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Full of hate...


CntJstSitArond

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I hate everything about my life. I hate my family, I don't talk to most my cousins and relatives, don't even pretend to get along. I'm just always alone now. This semester, I didn't sign up for any classes. I'm 23 and don't know what the hell I want to do. I've spent about 4-5 years in community college.

 

I used to be "shy" but now, I guess I'm more stuck up. I don't try to keep conversations going anymore, I don't even pretend to be interested, cause I know every time how its going to end. Sometimes I could fake being sociable for short time, then people find out I'm faking and have nothing going on in his life. No friends, no social life at all. I run out of things to say, then it becomes really awkward for me seeing them through out the semesters in college.

 

What do I have to do to improve? Obviously just trying isn't working for me. I can't connect with anyone at any level. I feel like I should be way further in life right now, but being so socially stupid makes me not want to get a job. I've had one before and couldn't get along with the few co-workers there. Then it was awkward and stressful and after about 6 months I left. These days, I'm just lonely/depressed and sometimes hateful. My parents tell me to get out more because it'll make me feel better, but I just come back feeling more crappy and hateful about everything...I don't see a good future for me, I just see me as one of those drunk guy living pay check to pay check or worst starting * * * * with people like on the cops tv show...

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This is going to sound cliche, but if you keep thinking that way, then things will always turn out that way. Your mind has an inexorable ability to shape the events around you through your mood and actions. You may go out with the intention of turning things around for yourself, but in your mind your still thinking "I'm not going to have fun", "I'm not gonna meet anyone I like", "Even if I do meet someone I won't like them" and lo and behold it happens. Your conscious mind and sub-conscious mind are to separate entities in that when you think of something, say not wanting to be made fun of for example, your sub-conscious is pulling up pictures and feelings related to being made fun of, and your conscious mind is looking at them and saying "I don't want that" but all your sub-conscious knows is that you wanted thoughts of being made fun of, and its going to imprint that on your mood, your expressions, your posture, the way you carry yourself, all the little things you aren't usually putting conscious thought into. So when you go out with those old negative mantras playing in your head, you're actually causing them to come true, not through some telepathic or magical power your mind has over others, but through the power it has over you.

 

What you've got to do is start thinking positively (enter cliche You don't necessarily have to believe it, just think positive, put on a happy face and go. Its hard at first, believe me, but after a while people start to believe you're little act, then a little later, you even start to believe it, and given enough time, it ceases to be an act. Its kinda what you already do, being stuck up, except flipped upside down. You are unhappy, and feel low self worth, so you put on a facade of superiority to trick yourself into thinking you're better than everyone else, when in truth you're just like the rest of us, a Human. A Human with your own faults, your own qualities, your own personality. So instead of wearing a mask of stuckupedness and pushing people away, put on one of happiness and friendliness and attract people to yourself. Don't be phony, people have a sixth sense for it, but just project your personality through a happy colored lens rather than an angry one.

 

If you need something a little more concrete to go off of, pick up or download a book called "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne. The book paints a much more spiritual and magical view of what I'm trying to tell you; the principles are still the same, just rooted in some mystical force rather than your bodies biochemical connection to your mind. I hope I've given you something you can run with, and I know you can turn things around for you. If I can do it you can too man.

 

*edit: By the way man, feel free to message me anytime. It doesn't need to be about this, if you just need to vent, or get something off your chest you can talk to me. Believe me man, with what I've been through in life, and how far I've come there probably isn't much you could say to phase me.

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Start with the realization that hate is most damaging to the hater. Then ask yourself why you hate. You may have to ask it multiple times, e.g. Why do I hate the girl at Starbucks? A. Because she is grumpy Q. Why does her grumpiness affect me?

 

etc. When you get to the bottom, ask yourself if it's worth holding on to.

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I don't act angry in front of people's face, and don't sound angry when I'm talking to them, I just make sure I don't say much these days so they'll leave me alone. When I talk, I don't sound angry, but I don't sound upbeat either. If I do try to sound upbeat it's just going to be fake. You say don't be phony, but I already know trying to be my real self will get me nowhere either. I have no life experience and have no idea how to start. I've only had few friends in high school and I didn't even like them. I've never hung out with anyone after school. All I do is play video games, and that's pretty much all I have now. The real me is just empty... I have nothing to share with anybody... I just don't know how to start, I feel like it's just impossible.

 

One semester, when I tried talking to someone, we "got along" for like a week or so, then I quieted down. I see other people coming up with things to say and starting conversations and keeping them going. They make comments about things going on and make other laugh. I just sit there blank unable to think of any witty comments or things to say. I've watch the video before about "the secret" and for a while, believed it. Shortly after watching it, I read "think and grow rich" which I believe is "the secret" written in a different way. I know we share the same world events and just perceive things differently. Being in that classroom, I see/hear the same things the other guys in the class, yet they are able to start make observations and start conversations off them. I just can't...

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Sounds like you got alot of supressed emotions stored up there. You're saying you used to be shy, can it be that you didn't the way you felt about what someone was doing to you or around? Making it a habit and building up anger, beling that "if I try to ignore it now, it will be gone"?

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Sounds like you have a lot of things bothering you and just need someone to listen and help you work out whatever issues you may have. Do you share what your feeling inside with your parents? If not, perhaps spending some time with a counselor would benefit you.

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I do keep things inside of me alot and build up anger. Some people try to tell me that I need to open up more, but I just can't... I just never have anything to say to people. I try to think of this on the spot, but I just suck at it... I'm just not connected to people in anyway...

 

Ofcourse you are, oterwise you wouldn't feel angry with them. It aint easy, and will take alot of time and patience, but try loosing the hold of your emotions, just you know, let them be free. Be more open and talking about them (to real people) could be a good start, since it can make you accept your emotions in a wider range.

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