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Was it just a fling?


blemished

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Situation: recently I hooked up with a friend of mine. I am fresh out of a relationship, and so is he. We get along GREAT, laugh a lot together, and I feel very attracted to him and we seemed to have a great connection. I was really excited about this guy...I am emotionally available because I was the one to end my last relationship, which had gotten pretty sour. I don't, however, want to rush into another serious relationship, but I do want to explore romance with a new person in a slowly progressing relationship. I really like this fling more than any other guy I've been with a long time. He was the dumped one in his LTR, and he was also cheated on in that situation. I am the first person he has dated since and it has been a few months.

 

Problem: Things felt a little awkward after we got physical. He's a friend and he also knows my ex, so it is a little weird. But he definitely pursued me very hard. Now, he is letting up, BUT, he continues to be in touch with me daily. I don't get it - either you had fun and say goodbye, or you are interested and pursue it more, but he seems to be doing something in the middle where he keeps in touch daily but is not taking the opportunity to see me so far (in fact, when I insinuated we should get together he blew me off without providing any reason). Do you have any thoughts on why he would act this way? If I have feelings for this guy, I was thinking I should just quit cold turkey and move onto someone else, despite his efforts to be in touch. Thoughts? Do you think if he IS interested, he will just come through on his own and I should just stop being in his daily life & responding to his calls in the meantime (or until I get over it)? I wonder if he is being in touch only out of guilt (about not wanting to ruin our friendship)? Can friends sleep together and then be all normal? If you're a guy, and you sleep with a female friend of yours, do you then call & email her every day, sometimes multiple times, while simultaneously turning down her invite to hang out? If so, why bother to be in touch?

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I AM confused. I had asked him before we got physical if it would change things in our friendship, because I said I wanted to be friends regardless (as we have such great times together). He said, "I like you" and that he didn't know why we were doing this [when there was a conflict of interest]; although like I said he pursued it BIG time and spent an entire week basically with me. Our moments together were very tender, but even so, it was suddenly awkward-feeling "afterward". Now I feel like I was used, however I realize it was MY decision as much as his- only I felt my feelings were genuine and maybe his were not, and now he feels guilty, so he stays in contact. Or maybe he just wishes to resume our friendship as usual. Maybe I am the one with the problem?

So I am thinking unfortunately I need to move on and not speak with him until I feel more platonic toward him.

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Yes, I am thinking to move on in order to deal with my own disappointment. However, HE keeps contacting ME. I don't know why, because it was obvious to me that he liked me, and most guys if they like someone they continue pursuit. If they don't like someone, they avoid her. He is staying in touch but not pursuing things.

Do I ask him to stop contacting me? That seems like it might make the situation even more weird. Do I just avoid him then and hope he gets the message? Or will he then think I am not interested? (ironically)

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I agree, that maybe he is just as confused as you are. Maybe he doesn't want to let you go, but is afraid that it was moving to fast, or is just trying to figure out what to do next. Typically if guys don't want anything more with you, they just won't talk to you. If he's the one that continues to contact you, I don't think he's just blowing you off. Personally, if it were me, I'd just ask him what's up. It would save a lot of speculation & trying to figure out what he's doing, when maybe he doesn't even know. And it would suck if you did just avoid him, so he feels blown off, and then come to find out he really did like you, but was scared or something.

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Update:

 

We've since "gotten together" again overnight. I've been through enough of these things to know when there are emotions involved, and this is not devoid of them.

 

I guess neither of us were actively looking for a relationship, so it is weird to just ask where he stands. I'm having fun and I don't want him to feel pressured, especially when I am not even ready for a relationship. But yeah, I do like him - a lot. My own feelings confuse me, because I don't particularly want to pursue dating other people until I see this out.

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No no no...I have never told him I am not looking for a relationship. HE has said in my presence (but not to me directly ABOUT me, if that makes sense), that he is "not looking for a relationship". He is out of a LTR within this year, and I am out of a LTR very recently; but in my LTR I was the one to end it and in his, he was not.

 

I definitely feel very strongly for him and wish to not be his rebound. But at the same time, I feel I am in no position to make such demands given I am so fresh out of a relationship that it would make me appear a hypocrite.

In addition, I am confused about my feelings given how recently I was in a LTR, and how I have not felt this way about someone for so long that I think previously I operated under the assumption it might not come my way.

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We're not dating. We've known each other for several months as friends of a mutual friend (while I was in a LTR at the time), and then as friends, and then it got more personal a couple of weeks ago.

 

I don't know what we are doing- we were talking daily, but there is no promise of that continuing, it's just been kind of spontaneous, no strings.

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