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So help me GOD, I will never understand women...


Seymore

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Needless to say, I think the "date" was a bust.

 

Backstory - I did something personal and sweet on Friday for a co-worker that I've been into for a while who is leaving the job in two weeks. She said it was adorable and even better than flowers. She then told a co-worker of ours "If I don't get a date out of this, I don't know what I'll do!" (and I prodded that co-worker, to make 100% sure those were the exact words) and so I mustered up the courage to ask her out on V-Day for coffee. She said she'd love to. I figured if it turned out well, I'd ask her to dinner after coffee.

 

So she's all smiles and we talked without pause for two hours straight. She didn't ask me one question about myself - I let her talk most of that time, only interjecting when I had a similar situation that she was describing. I wasn't about to cut her off and be rude. But she was really interesting and very sweet (I asked her a ton of stuff about her), also very grounded, although she brought her ex up once or twice, when it came to us talking about her daughter's qualities (i.e. "She gets that from her dad").

 

Anyway, I asked her if she had to have her dad's car back by a certain time or pick her daughter up, and she said she did at 7, which it was ten 'til. So I told her I had a good time with her and was hoping we could have dinner tonight, but maybe next time. She paused and gave a slightly uncomfortable "That sounds good" and then said that it's weird, because there's "baby daddy drama" and she's not really ready to date because she wouldn't want to bring someone into all that right now. She said she was over it since it had been on the rocks for so long, there's just drama. So I didn't get upset or anything, I just told her that I understand, and that she's got my number when the drama dies down. We talked some more and laughed some more, and then we left together. We walked to our cars and I gave her a hug.

 

I made her laugh HARD. I complimented her and she got shy, saying I was going to make her blush. She was smiling the entire time, eyes fixated on mine, all that. So why did this happen? I mean, I can understand the whole not being ready to date yet, totally. But why say "I hope I get a date out of this" when you're not ready to date?!? Isn't that sending a mixed message? I'm a little confused...

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So why did this happen? I mean, I can understand the whole not being ready to date yet, totally. But why say "I hope I get a date out of this" when you're not ready to date?!? Isn't that sending a mixed message? I'm a little confused...

I can see why you're confused, because she was sending you mixed messages. I couldn't help but notice the part where you say she didn't ask you any questions about yourself, at all. Not once. That's just plain rude (imo). To be totally honest, I can't help but get the feeling all she wanted was for someone to take her out and she got what she wanted. I could be way off base, but that's how it looks to me. It sucks.

 

Sorry this happened to you.

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Good to know I'm not going nuts. But all the smiling, all the laughing, eye contact...I mean, that means nothing?! I thought I had a hard time reading signals BEFORE, and since these are all supposed to be THE signals, now I feel like an idiot!

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Good to know I'm not going nuts. But all the smiling, all the laughing, eye contact...I mean, that means nothing?! I thought I had a hard time reading signals BEFORE, and since these are all supposed to be THE signals, now I feel like an idiot!

Hey, don't feel like an idiot!! Like I said above, I could be way off base with all of this and be totally wrong.

 

Looking at it in a more "positive" light: She could very well be interested in you - hence all the smiling, eye contact etc, but it's possible due to all the "baby daddy drama" in her life, she's just not ready for anything too serious right now. Don't be too downhearted. Something can still come out of this.

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Seymore am so sorry about this.

 

Just speculating here, maybe it is really still too soon for her after just having ended her previous relationship and maybe she didn't want to be by herself on V'day

 

Thanks for being there for me, penelope/Capricorn/dally and everyone else. If that's the case, and she just didn't want to be alone on V-Day, why do this? I've been flirting with her for a couple of months now. She HAS to know I like her. It seems so wrong and selfish that she'd do that just so she wouldn't be alone at the expense of my hopes, but on the other hand, she doesn't seem like someone who would do something like that to serve only herself.

 

I guess it wasn't a total bust, though. Thinking a bit more rationally, if I made her smile on a lonely V-Day, I guess I'm ok with that. She has the prettiest smile and I told her that. It just makes me want to smile.

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Some people don't even realize when they are being selfish, since they are so preoccupied with their own point of view.

 

Since she didn't ask you any questions about you I am guessing that in her previous relationship she didn't get a lot of attention and opportunity to express herself freely. So she might have really relished that opportunity without realizing that she didn't give you any chance to say something as well.

 

Having read many threads today I am not surprised anymore what some people are willing to do just in order to avoid to having to admit that they don't have a meaningful relationship on V-day

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Some people don't even realize when they are being selfish, since they are so preoccupied with their own point of view.

 

Since she didn't ask you any questions about you I am guessing that in her previous relationship she didn't get a lot of attention and opportunity to express herself freely. So she might have really relished that opportunity without realizing that she didn't give you any chance to say something as well.

 

Having read many threads today I am not surprised anymore what some people are willing to do just in order to avoid to having to admit that they don't have a meaningful relationship on V-day

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I guess it wasn't a total bust, though. Thinking a bit more rationally, if I made her smile on a lonely V-Day, I guess I'm ok with that. She has the prettiest smile and I told her that. It just makes me want to smile.

 

That is adorable. You sound like a sweetheart, and I hope you find a lovely woman soon!

 

I think she wanted to go on the date with you, was excited and had a good time ... BUT she's just out of a relationship, and that's a weird time. I was all over the place after my break-up: one day getting crushes and wanting to go on dates, the next feeling hopelessly in love with my ex-boyfriend. Even though she may say she is "over it", IMO that's in theory and not in practice - it still would take time to adjust to the idea of life without the father of her children as her partner.

 

My guess would be she had a good time, but when push came to shove felt scared at the idea of jumping into something else right away, whether because that would mean she and her ex were definitely over, because she feels scared to get into another relationship, or any other reasons ...

 

Her talking about herself: she could be selfish, she could just have been nervous ... I can get chatty when I'm anxious. But yeah, right after ending a relationship, she's probably too absorbed in her own drama to be a good girlfriend to you or anyone.

 

Sorry this happened!

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Well, she has my number. If she wants to go on a REAL date and get to know me, it's on her now. I'm not going to put my life on hold for her, but I really did like what I heard about her and hope there's a chance. Not to mention it's a really small world - turns out she grew up a little over a block from where I live and still visits her father there often.

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Sounds like she likes you, but that she is hesitent to get into anything. She wanted the date because she is interested, but there is probably that voice telling her "this isnt a good idea." That would explain the nervious reaction to the idea of dinner. The reason she was talking about herself so much is probably because she was nervous. My ex was like that, anytime there were new people, she would always talk about herself so there were no silences. Plus, in today's world, thats just how first dates go. Most of the time women are more attracted to a guy that listens.

 

Just take it slow. Maybe invite her out for more coffee dates. Dont say "we are just friends," and dont say "this is a date." Just keep it casual without coming off as uninterested.

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Sounds like she likes you, but that she is hesitent to get into anything. She wanted the date because she is interested, but there is probably that voice telling her "this isnt a good idea." That would explain the nervious reaction to the idea of dinner. The reason she was talking about herself so much is probably because she was nervous. My ex was like that, anytime there were new people, she would always talk about herself so there were no silences. Plus, in today's world, thats just how first dates go. Most of the time women are more attracted to a guy that listens.

 

Just take it slow. Maybe invite her out for more coffee dates. Dont say "we are just friends," and dont say "this is a date." Just keep it casual without coming off as uninterested.

 

I was kind of thinking that. I used to jabber nonstop when I was nervous. Plus when I asked her out for coffee, she kind of forgot what she had asked me for in the first place (help with work) and walked off before I could give her the work stuff she asked me for in the first place. She can do the invite for more coffee dates. I feel kind of shut out right now and I think the onus is on her if she wants to hang out again. I had texted her after, still thanking her for a nice evening and telling her that I think she is interesting and has a gorgeous smile and I'll see her at work tomorrow, so even if she's nervous, she knows where I stand.

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Seems like she used you to make her feel better about herself...

 

I would not feel so bad about it as really she did you a favor by being emotionally unavailable...

 

Maybe it really is baby/daddy drama, maybe it's not...

 

Just you really don't want to be in the middle of any drama...

 

Life is complicated enough...

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Do you think it's possible that she was interested, but that during the date she lost interest? Perhaps she wasn't sending mixed messages. Perhaps she changed her mind?

 

I see where you're coming from, but I don't know what I could have done to give her that thought. I paid thorough attention to everything she said, asked questions, all of that. I was interested in her and what she had to say and I feel I really showed that. A friend of mine had told me to put myself in her shoes - if I was 3 weeks out of a relationship, I might think that I wanted to date someone, and even if I was interested, I might still be conflicted and/or confused. I mean, I definitely don't think I'm God's gift to women, but I really feel that I was attentive, complimented her and not just BS'ing my way through the date. So I don't know what she wanted that made her change her mind. Did she want me to constantly cut her off and talk about myself? Did she want a guy that wasn't nice? I don't get it...plus, she was laughing, smiling and keeping eye contact with me to the very end. The end of our conversation was no different from the beginning, so I totally couldn't tell if her interest just dropped off like that.

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Sounds like she had a dose of reality once the two of you got together for those two hours. I believe she really did want to go out with you, but as she sat there and started thinking, reality began to set in about her situation and she started realizing that she isn't ready. Don't ground her too much about that; at least she's being upfront and honest with you. If she was really a coconut she could've told you a bunch of lies and start playing freeze-tag with you like most people would do. So give credit where credit is due. Now you know and you don't have to pursue that if you don't choose to.

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