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Recon Experience; Some advice to those who want recon


Nappyloxs

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Okay, I haven't posted for some time now. For those who haven't followed my story. My ex. and I attempted to get back together after 4 months of NC on her part while I keep sending love emails to her all the time.

 

So I think last time I posted, my ex. bought her house and many of you know that I was upset about it.

 

However, after a few days I accepted it. I helped her move, helped her shop, put furniture together and get the house together.

 

We spent time together, things were going okay. I say okay, because it definitely was not perfect.

 

My ex. after recon. had all these expectations. Always wanted me to do things. Always was saying "I expect my boyfriend to do ...."

 

Every other day it seemed that she had a new expectation of something she wanted me to do.

 

One day, I really got a little hurt. I was spending weekends over there helping her get her house together. Never got anything really as a thank you. I wasn't really expecting anything. I did it because I love her, but still. So one day, she was getting her washer and dryer moved in. Some of her co-workers helped her as it was during the day. Well, the next day she decided to cook them breakfast, guess who woke up at 4am to help her cook the breakfast!!! Anyway, I asked why she never showed appreciation to me. Her answer "You're my boyfriend, you should do it." I really could give so many examples over the past month were she expected me to do this or that. Yet, if I said I expected something from her (not that I really ever did, but sometimes I would just use her words to show that I never expected anything from her). She would say I need to find a new girlfriend.

 

Such a double standard.

 

While I was watching the super bowl, she called me up asking what are we doing for v-day. I said I don't know. Her answer; "well, my boyfriend should have it planned already." Sorry, ladies but most guys really don't start thinking v-day until probably a few days before. Definitely, don't think about it during the Super Bowl.

 

Anyway, a few days ago, she texts me about needing to talk. Soon as she answers the phone, she says we need to breakup. I said okay, whatever and just hung up. She continues to text me about her reasons. She says I am controlling and can't talk to her.

 

Funny, she never voiced (once again) what she was thinking about the relationship, yet she said she had been thinking of it for a week and yet never talked about it to me. She called me controlling, yet she is the one who always wanted me to do something when she wanted it done. She even said that she was trying to change me to what she wanted.

 

I am so far from controlling. And to be honest, I am dealing with a person at my job who definitely is controlling and for her to say that just pisses me off, because if she knew what I was dealing with in one of my cases, she would not dare say I am controlling. I never ask this girl to do anything except maybe come over.

 

I mean for the past two month, attempted to do all the things I said I would if we got back together.

 

Does it hurt that she once again dumped me? I guess so, rejection always hurts. But this time is so much different.

 

6 months ago, I blamed so much on myself. I thought I could change and that if she could change some things we could work. The thing is she never really gave our love a chance. She barely acknowledge to anyone we were back together. Only maybe two people. She never told her family.

 

Honestly, she was just "seeing what was there."

 

She definitely changed from the girl I meet 3 years ago. She likes to say she is more independent. Maybe so. But she is also much more selfish and greedy. She wants everything her way. That was not the girl I fell in love with 3 years ago. She stopped giving in the relationship. Basically, she just did not love me anymore.

 

I am okay with that, I don't want people saying "sorry to hear about it." It happened for a reason. I am so much better off now!!! I know now, that we grew incompatible. And to be honest, it was because of her. It was because somewhere over the years she wanted more from me, she had all these expectations. (She wanted someone like her father). There was no way, I could meet them. (Funny thing is I did meet most of them, but I am not going to go into how there was a new expectation from her every single day).

 

I was not always happy with her, there were things I did not like about her, and qualities/things I wish from a girlfriend. But I accepted her for her and loved her for her.

 

But the one problem I realize that I had during the course of the relationship is that I was too accepting. See, she was really negative towards me. Always putting me down, with expectation, with the way I live my life, or run my business. Just always something negative. She forgot how to see anything good in me. I knew this and yet I still accepted it and dealt with it, because "it just was who she was."

 

Now, I see I don't deserve that crap. I see again how truly great of a guy I am and how miserable of a woman she is. I may not be the prefect boyfriend if there is such a thing. I know I have flaws. But I don't need to be with someone who always is going to just see the flaws and never see the good in me.

 

Funny, I went through this before with an ex. before her. But it was physical abuse. They both were the same nationality and sign. But one was physically abusive and the other verbally.

 

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to get accross is this. I know many of you want to recon with your ex. Want to know what the best strategy is to get them back. I somehow got my ex. to comeback. But I got her to comeback; she did not comeback on her own. She did not learn or really miss us. She just came back to see. She though she had the upper hand or the control or whatever you want to call it. She did not come back to make the relationship work and she definitely did not once acknowledge that she had any part in our last breakup. I was always the bad guy.

 

Don't try to "win them back." If they come back, let it be because they want to come back. Make sure that they learned something from the period apart. You have learned something since you are on this forum.

 

I do believe some of you will get back with your ex. and have a successful relationship with them, while others will have an experience similar to mine.

 

Take this time apart to better yourself for whoever the next one will be. I know now that I am such a better person, boyfriend, etc... than I thought I was a few months ago. I know see that my ex. does not even deserve a guy like me. I may sound hateful, (I probably am to some degree), but I finally just can see clearly again. I don't need to settle for someone who really doesn't see the good in me, who doesn't want to really be with me. You don't either.

 

My dad said to me a few months ago, "Remember, you can do bad by yourself." That is so true. I don't need her to do bad, I don't need someone to tell me how bad I am all the time. You may feel like this is the worst thing in the world. You have this perfect picture of your ex. in your mind. I know because I did for 5 months. The truth is they are not that person. You are only remembering the good in them. There was also plenty of bad.

 

Good luck.

 

Please, don't say sorry to hear it, because there is nothing to be sorry about. I am actually glad I went through the experience, because now I see that there is someone better out there for me.

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She called you during the Super Bowl?!!!! I'm a female sports nut and no one, and I do mean no one, calls me during the Super Bowl! That is an automatic breakup there. You are much better off without this thoughtless, coldhearted, person. She wants all the attention and glory and will give none back. What a loser! I don't say this too often, but congratulations on your breakup!

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My ex attempted to do the same exact thing for me! I remember when we were at the club one night (this was when I was trying to reconcile with her), she lost a make-up stick and told me to go look for it. I told her no and she said, "Any other guy would be glad to go look for it." I just said, "well, I'm not every other guy."

 

Anyways, You did really well when she broke up with you. Think about unhappy you would be if you married her. I feel the same now about my ex and although I didn't handle her rejecting me too well (I came a little late to the NC party), I've pretty much rejected her recent advances.

 

I think you may hear from your ex again because you walked away with dignity. Keep it up and don't let her back in to your life. She doesn't deserve to be with you.

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So I did some quick research and realized that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.

 

link removed

 

2-11 are so true of this relationship.

 

Plus this:

Abusive Expectations

 

* The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.

* It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person.

* But no matter how much you give, it's never enough.

* You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.

 

Now I just have to regain the confidence I had before the relationship, but at least now I don't hold her on a pedestal like before.

 

(The screwed up thing is I have dated hotter women, gold-diggers, etc... but for some reason, I fell for her. She did not act this way for the first year. Then all of a gradually she switched.)

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  • 7 months later...

I don't know if I should make this post here or in the healing forum.

 

After reading this thread, and just really hang out thinking, I remembered just how miserable my ex was. It doesn't matter about PDs, or what really were my flaws, and the mistakes I made. She was just miserable and had been pushing her way out the relationship for a long time.

 

I imagine she is happy now. At least, I hope she is. She has her freedom and independence that she wanted. She has the opportunity to find the dream guy she was trying to change me into.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that today, I have let go. I love her and all I want is her to be happy even if I am not the one providing it or sharing it with her. I don't know if I will feel the same way tomorrow. But I don't miss her today. I don't want her back. Before I use to not want her back because of all the crap, but today I don't want her back because I know right now she is happier without me. I really can't make sense of this feeling exactly and describe it in words. But I am happy and at peace knowing that she is happier without me.

 

I still fear the day when I may pass her by in the streets or somewhere, because I know temporarily all the love will come rushing back for a few moments.

 

Love isn't about misery. I always found the good in our relationship no matter how bad it got at times. She couldn't do the same. I guess now I am starting to find the good in the breakup and I hope she is doing the same.

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I had a similar experience. Last spring, my ex came back after five weeks of NC. He had all the right words, was ready to make changes, the whole nine yards. Even held up the facade for a whole six weeks. Then BAM, the exact same behavior out of nowhere. Shutting me off, lack of communication, unwillingness to resolve conflict and accusing me of having a problem with his son.

 

For everyone that NC works for and their exes come back, it doesn't mean a damn thing if the issues don't get resolved. And you can't tell that by their sweet, promising words when they come back, only by their actions when the issues arise again. In my experience, if you break up in the first place the issues are pretty much unresolvable. Otherwise, they would've been resolved in the relationship.

 

Having your ex come back after days/weeks/months of NC sounds like a dream come true until you are in the same pain all over again much more of the year later.

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Whoa. o.o I'm thinking of so many words right now.

 

Note to self, if an ex ever contacts me, ignore them for another two years.

 

Seeker, I had to check you weren't my ex. Luckily you aren't. Your post had me worried for a second. We broke up on July 11!!

 

I also hope my ex. won't find me here, but you never know.

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I really don't believe your ex did anything wrong and that may be because she and I share a lot of similar qualities, based on what you've posted. I have chosen independence and success over guys and then had our relationships end as a result. For some people ambition supersedes love and that other stuff and while it's not too socially acceptable for women to behave in such a way it is reality for many today. So, I believe that you should work on moving on and finding someone who values what you do. She made her choice and that doesn't make her a bad woman, person or lover; just human. I've seen several posts from you about her and while I sympathize I don't believe you want to let her go because you know that she just did what she felt was best but you are wounded because that meant letting you go. What helped me get over my ex fiance (who I have never posted on ENA about) was my willingness to stop talking about him. He hurt me terribly so I just made a decision to stop giving life to the source of my pain by making a list of reasons to feel compassion for him. Then I was able to see him as just a man again and to ultimately feel compassion for him and forgive him. Then and only then was I able to move on and stop speaking about him. Right now you are still bonded to her by your very palpable pain. Time to start thinking of preempting the life you are breathing into her and your past every time you dwell on her. I have had, and still do have, a hard time doing this with exes since the finance but the success with him has shown me that a true recovery is possible. So do you want to let go or keep her alive by feeding her memory with reflection?

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Interesting, but not true about my ex. Success and independence were not her goals. I am not going to rewrite several posts again. I knew my ex. and I can tell you that success was not a goal, money was. Money is not success. And even if one considers money to be success, one has to be able to advance in their career. She didn't want to do that.

 

Independence, I agree she is more independent when I met her, but you can have independence in a relationship. If she truly wanted independence, the relationship should have ended 2 years ago for good. You don't criticize some one who you say you love for 2 years and stay with that person if you really want independence.

 

Yes, she was a terrible lover, and a terrible person to me. It is not love to tell someone you love them and then put them down, it is not love to tell someone you love them and criticize them for not being your ideal partner. I really could go on and on with this.

 

My ex. isn't a bad person, but she treated me like absolute crap. If she wanted success and independence, I would and did support her. She never did the same for any of my dreams and goals.

 

So unless you knew her, like I really knew her, not the public show she puts on, you would see things different.

 

And even though she treated me like crap, I actually have forgiven her. What happened is over with now. I really hope she finds what it is she is looking for, I hope she learns it wasn't cool (and especially not love) to treat someone they way she treated me.

 

She is just a woman and has flaws like I do. I accept that, but to be truly independent and successful, you learned from your flaws and become a better person.

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