Good Friend dating a married man and i cant stand it

[jbrooklyn]

I just need the opinion of some people here about a good friend of mines who is IN LOVE with a married man. Is it wrong not to want to be her friend because she is dating a married man?

 

I AM NOT TRYING TO JUDGE HER. It is her life. I know that she can do whatever she wants to do but it bothers me to be around them. I also feel bad for feeling this way. I just dont know what to do. I feel like I need to be with girlfriends who dont date married men. I want to hang with women who want single guys cause I think we have a better chance at a better future instead of willing being second. I dont know...

 

your thoughts?

[BriarRose]

Well, since it is highly unethical behavior to date married people, I can understand you not wanting to be her friend. It's a personal choice - I don't know what I would do if my best friend was seeing a married man - but I can certainly understand it if you no longer wanted to be her friend. We tend to be friends with people who share our same values.

[Sanesoul]

Your morals conflict with hers in a big way. If you don't want to be around her, then it's your choice. Don't feel bad about not associating with people like this.

[metrogirl]

She brings her married lover around you? That would make me really uncomfortable as well.

[jbrooklyn]

It just gets on my nerves. She is happy with crumbs. He cant keep his word. I went to her house for the first time yesterday and she has alot of pictures of him in her bedroom. She brought him something for valentines day and had it on the table. He was out with us yesterday and then he left to spend the rest of his day with his wife. I just feel like yuk!!

[Sanesoul]

It just gets on my nerves. She is happy with crumbs. He cant keep his word. I went to her house for the first time yesterday and she has alot of pictures of him in her bedroom. She brought him something for valentines day and had it on the table. He was out with us yesterday and then he left to spend the rest of his day with his wife. I just feel like yuk!!

 

Yuck is right. I wouldn't be able to hold my tongue in this situation.

[metrogirl]

It just gets on my nerves. She is happy with crumbs. He cant keep his word. I went to her house for the first time yesterday and she has alot of pictures of him in her bedroom. She brought him something for valentines day and had it on the table. He was out with us yesterday and then he left to spend the rest of his day with his wife. I just feel like yuk!!

 

Well there isn't much you can do if she feels so low about herself that she is willing to be his sloppy seconds.

 

Perhaps distancing yourself from her when you know she is around him would be best unless of course you don't feel you can be friends with her at all.

[jbrooklyn]

She is cool. I asked her so what are you going to do...she say, take it one day at a time. She has a picture of them on her phone screen saver. She is all the way in. Im like wow!!!

 

Dont get me wrong, Im not trying to judge her. She is a grown women and she can do what she likes but I think I am going to have to break up with her...lol...I dont want friends who date married guys around me all the time. I dont even want to hear her mention his name. That not fair to her that I dont really accept her life. So the best thing to do is keep my distance

[metrogirl]

She is cool. I asked her so what are you going to do...she say, take it one day at a time. She has a picture of them on her phone screen saver. She is all the way in. Im like wow!!!

 

Dont get me wrong, Im not trying to judge her. She is a grown women and she can do what she likes but I think I am going to have to break up with her...lol...I dont want friends who date married guys around me all the time. I dont even want to hear her mention his name. That not fair to her that I dont really accept her life. So the best thing to do is keep my distance

 

 

Wow, that's sad. I hate to see friendships end and what is even more sad is she is going to need a good friends shoulder to cry on when she sees first hand that he will likely stay with the wife.

 

I really don't have any advice. I know it would drive me insane if I were in your shoes.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Does she have other qualities that you like and common interests with you. Does everything revolve around talking about this guy and being with this guy? Why can't the two of you go out to dinner and a movie or do things together without this guy around? You can still maintain the friendship but on a different plane. Sometimes friends do things that we don't agree with but it is their life...if there are other things in common you can still have a friendship around the things you do have in common.

[jbrooklyn]

Wow, that's sad. I hate to see friendships end and what is even more sad is she is going to need a good friends shoulder to cry on when she sees first hand that he will likely stay with the wife.

 

I really don't have any advice. I know it would drive me insane if I were in your shoes.

 

He left his wife for 2 months then lied and told my friend that she was sick with cancer and had to move back home and come to find out....it was a total lie. Then he told her he was going to see family somewhere and come to find out, he was in Vegas with is wife celebrating their anniversary. AND SHE STILL IS ALL IN LOVE!!! Im like wow

[jbrooklyn]

Does she have other qualities that you like and common interests with you. Does everything revolve around talking about this guy and being with this guy? Why can't the two of you go out to dinner and a movie or do things together without this guy around? You can still maintain the friendship but on a different plane. Sometimes friends do things that we don't agree with but it is their life...if there are other things in common you can still have a friendship around the things you do have in common.

 

yeah, maybe I can talk to her and let her know how I feel about it and see if we can maintain a friendship that is not connected to him. That would be good but I dont think she can do it. Do i tell her how i feel?

[metrogirl]

He left his wife for 2 months then lied and told my friend that she was sick with cancer and had to move back home and come to find out....it was a total lie. Then he told her he was going to see family somewhere and come to find out, he was in Vegas with is wife celebrating their anniversary. AND SHE STILL IS ALL IN LOVE!!! Im like wow

 

Not good.....

 

Is he paying her bills or something? Is that why she wants to stay with him?

[mikem]

What she is doing is wrong. You telling her it's wrong, is the right thing to do.

[jbrooklyn]

I find when you tell people how you really feel....they cant handle it. The get distant and all upset with you. I told this one guy why I would go over his house and he got offended and dont call me anymore. He was just too much for me. I thought the minute I walk in his house, he would try to rip my clothes off!!! Then he wanted me to go out of town with him but refused to get double beds or a second room. We were getting to know each other so I was like hell no..I will see you when you get back in town!!

[jbrooklyn]

Not good.....

 

Is he paying her bills or something? Is that why she wants to stay with him?

 

No, she told me yesterday that she pays her own bills. She is with him cause she is inlove with him. She dont feel like she should take money unless he wants to give her some. She dont ask. She dont ask him questions. She use to be married to a man for 13 years that didnt treat her right and this guy makes her feel loved and things like that. It was alot yesterday

[H20]

I am in love with someone who is in a relationship with someone else. Though not married. We have been friends for a couple years, but he wants to remain friends. It's too hurtful. We can't always help who we love...but we CAN choose to not act on it.

 

I can understand your frustration though. Your friend is deluding herself by being with this guy. Only a weak man needs two women to prop him up. Can you compromise and have an honest talk with your friend? Tell her you refuse to hang around and watch her destroy her life..that you will not participate in her 'affair' activities, that you want nothing to do with her 'man'.....but otherwise you will be there for her? You don't need to dump her altogether, just lay down the rules. We have ALL done things we are not proud of.It does not make us bad people..and if everyone 'dumped' us because we did, we would ALL be lonely and friendless.

 

We all have to learn from our stupid mistakes. Your friend s no exception.

[jbrooklyn]

I agree with what you are saying. I am definitely no saint at all!!! If he wasnt married, it wouldnt be a big deal. I think that the thing that gets me is that she is content with it. Im like okay, you dont want better? I will tell her that when she is going out with him or whatever is going on with her and him is not something I want to be involved with.

[metrogirl]

I agree with what you are saying. I am definitely no saint at all!!! If he wasnt married, it wouldnt be a big deal. I think that the thing that gets me is that she is content with it. Im like okay, you dont want better? I will tell her that when she is going out with him or whatever is going on with her and him is not something I want to be involved with.

 

Have you ever just told him how you feel about the whole thing?

[jbrooklyn]

Have you ever just told him how you feel about the whole thing?

 

Yesterday.."mistress valentines day" by the way....is the first time I discovered that she is totally with the program. I didnt know that she was this sucked in. I just need to distance myself. She is not going to understand..i promise you...she wont!!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Only a weak man needs two women to prop him up.

 

So very true.

 

 

This woman has serious self-esteem issues so she is a good target for narcissistic sociopaths like this guy (making up a lie about his wife having cancer so that is why he is going back to her, is pretty pathetic and shows to what lengths he will lie to keep up the double life). Your friend does not really understand what a healthy relationship is all about...she had a horrible marriage and now she thinks that somone who knows how to charm the ladies and spew out all the words of love is the real deal. Sadly you won't be able to get through to her because she enjoys the attention and is trying to ignore the fact that he belongs to someone else.

[lavenderdove]

You can't make decisions for another person, but you can for yourself. She is going to learn the hard way that being a mistress gets really 'un-fun' after a while. But if she is in the first flush of it right now, you won't be able to talk sense into her.

 

But you can decide what you will and won't tolerate. I'd just tell her that you're worried that she is not thinking clearly, and this guy has already shown that he is willing to lie to her and lie to his wife to keep a nice exciting situation for himself going on. And that you think he is most likely using her for excitement and sex, and is perfectly happy with his wife and family and will never leave them for her, since most men don't.

 

Then tell her you don't want to be a part of it and hang out with him, as you think affairs really eventually destroy families, hurt children, and break women's hearts (hers included, eventually). She's of course got the right to do what she wants, but you don't intend to be involved in it, so will only see her and talk to her about things that have nothing to do with the affair.

 

She may be happy now, but i guarantee she will eventually get hurt by this, unless she truly doesn't want her own man and prefers living the single life most of the time other than rare sexual rendezvous.

 

Just draw your line in the sand and stay on your side where you feel comfortable, and if she can't handle that, then it's an easy choice to stop seeing her. She can't expect you to accept and encourage this affair if it is against your moral sense or even common sense, which it obviously is.

[jbrooklyn]

So very true.

 

 

This woman has serious self-esteem issues so she is a good target for narcissistic sociopaths like this guy (making up a lie about his wife having cancer so that is why he is going back to her, is pretty pathetic and shows to what lengths he will lie to keep up the double life). Your friend does not really understand what a healthy relationship is all about...she had a horrible marriage and now she thinks that somone who knows how to charm the ladies and spew out all the words of love is the real deal. Sadly you won't be able to get through to her because she enjoys the attention and is trying to ignore the fact that he belongs to someone else.

 

this is so true. Crazy,,,you drive me crazy but alot of time, you are actually right. I just finish talking to my ex husband about this..we are best friends now. He said that i really dont respect her and but i like her so that is my problem. He also said I have a hard time making decision which is also very true. I just dont know what to do. When you tell people how you truly feel, my experience is that they will leave you alone.

[metafisics]

She is cool. I asked her so what are you going to do...she say, take it one day at a time. She has a picture of them on her phone screen saver. She is all the way in. Im like wow!!!

 

Dont get me wrong, Im not trying to judge her. She is a grown women and she can do what she likes but I think I am going to have to break up with her...lol...I dont want friends who date married guys around me all the time. I dont even want to hear her mention his name. That not fair to her that I dont really accept her life. So the best thing to do is keep my distance

 

You are judging her. You are making a moral judgment and yes its your prerogative, like it is hers to date whoever she wants. You also have a right to decide whom you wanna be friends with.

 

I do have friends with whom I dont see eye to eye. However, my approach is to show them the pitfalls of their choices, then I step back to allow them to make their mistakes and learn their lesson and be there when they need a shoulder to cry on. Different strokes for different folks I guess.

[jbrooklyn]

You are judging her. You are making a moral judgment and yes its your prerogative, like it is hers to date whoever she wants. You also have a right to decide whom you wanna be friends with.

 

I do have friends with whom I dont see eye to eye. However, my approach is to show them the pitfalls of their choices, then I step back to allow them to make their mistakes and learn their lesson and be there when they need a shoulder to cry on. Different strokes for different folks I guess.

 

I dont have to see eye to eye with my friends to be friends. I dont want to give a a shoulder to cry on either. I just want to keep my distance from that mess.