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Made the right decision....


amandathepanda

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Well it's Valentine's day...and I just dumped my man...

 

I have posted before but in brief, this is the story.

 

- We work together...when we met, he was still in his relationship of 15 years but desperately unhappy. He pursued me heavily, won me with the most amazing romance I had ever experienced, and then ended his relationship with her. I was, by this time very much in love with him, and there was, without a doubt some incredible chemistry between us. He chucked her out of the house they shared...

 

- For over a year, he then ping-ponged between the two of us, at each turn telling me then her it was over between each of us but essentially leading a double life. He played some terrible psychological games with us both, lying through his teeth, sleeping with us both, doing bizarre things like taking us on the exact same date on consecutive weekends...the entire truth only really came out when she contacted me and we shared stories. He gave the constant excuse that he couldn't let go, all the shared memories, culture etc (they are both Italian) were too hard to give up, but that it was always me that he loved...loads of excuses...

 

- Three months ago, he completely ended the relationship with her for good...by this time I had totally distanced myself. But, seeing him every day and being attracted to him still...I got sucked back in and he SEEMED to be doing all the right things. He made an appointment at Relate and was extremely loving and compassionate, telling me if it took a year to get over my insecurities caused by what he did, then so be it.

 

- In the past three months, however, I have felt him getting more and more impatient. I have really struggled to beat my insecurities and start to trust him, and whilst at first he was very understanding, in the last month I have had increasing amounts of "for f's sake, why can't we just move on" etc etc and much less loving behaviour. He came to see me last night, and I was stressed because Im having money worries and I have been tearful and upset...he proceeded to tell me that he has had to listen to me non-stop, that its hard, and then this morning when I made a light-hearted comment about him perhaps meeting someone else he said "Oh' we'll see how funny you find it next weekend when we can't be together and you are feeling insecure. Can't wait for that..." I think it was the last straw. I realised that he is NEVER going to understand the damage he did, and that makes me feel even more insecure that he could potentially do it again..

 

- He comes with loads of problems, he has Heptatis C, needs treatment but continues to drink and refuses treatment...it's just all too much.

 

- I feel strong, right now...that I deserve better, I just hope I can continue to feel that way....

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To be honest Minou I have been thinking that this won't work for a long while, but I think a combination of low self esteem and an co-dependent situation between us kept me there, kept me trying.

 

But yes, he was lying for a long time, a year in all...

 

He was still with her when we met, after he ended it with her and she moved out I guess we had a month where I felt safe and then she text me out the blue to tell me that where he said he was was had been a lie and they had been together...and there the cycle started, lies, promises and more lies...

 

I regret a wasted year...and my biggest fear is trusting someone new.

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I regret a wasted year...and my biggest fear is trusting someone new.

 

I can completely understand this - but don't forget that you chose to trust someone who was cheating on and betraying his partner of 15 years (and you knew this at the time.)

 

I'm just saying - the chances of him being trustworthy were .. well zero.

 

Don't pick someone like that next time and you're chances of being able to trust them are already significantly higher.

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I can completely understand this - but don't forget that you chose to trust someone who was cheating on and betraying his partner of 15 years (and you knew this at the time.)

 

I'm just saying - the chances of him being trustworthy were .. well zero.

 

Don't pick someone like that next time and you're chances of being able to trust them are already significantly higher.

 

You are completely right, and I accept responsibility for that...I know that I have some work to do on myself too in order to ensure I don't make such bad choices again..I know why, what it is about myself that led to this, doesnt make it any easier to deal with thou

 

His behaviour has been SO confusing, picking me up, putting me down and all the time blaming everyone but himself...

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Oh, I missed that part that he was already involved with the ex when you hooked up. Reading too quickly and not awake yet I guess. Anyway, I hope you learn from your mistakes and find happiness in the future. They do have 12 step for people with codependent tendencies. I've heard they're really helpful. Bottom line, he's done with for so very long. Chances quite strong he'll do it again. Not a nice person.

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aah..dear me. I understand you. See the problem here is the "potential" and how big their words can be. They often say something that keeps you there, hoping. It's true he hasn't understood the damage, he will only understand when it's done to him. It is indeed too much work for both parties when the trust is gone. But really, the trust doesn't just go. Usually the partner has given you more that one example of not trusting him. Be super strong, you might feel very betrayed and resentful down the line but you gotta stay away.

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No, he is not a nice person at all...narcissitic, sociopathic, whatever term they call people who do crap like that. Sadly there are a lot of men and women out there who behave like this. It is very hard to comprehend that people can do such a thing so you give them a chance. No, he will never ever understand how damaging his actions were because he does not think like normal people...he has no love, empathy and compassion for others...he only fakes his way through it to get what he wants. He turned on the charm with you to get you hooked, then once hooked he played his games. I suspect this is not the first time he has done this to his partner of 15 years. He lives for himself only and does whatever he wants regardless of the consequences to others. He can't love..he doesn't have it in himself to love, these games are what keep him feeling alive because he is so dead inside. People like that rely on the excitement of messing with people's minds because it alleviates their boredom and dissatisfaction with life. The important thing is that you now have a better understanding and you can walk away. Yes, it will be hard to trust someone else after being duped like this...but over time you will.

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Wow, I think you have met him before! I cannot believe how right you are. He is the most negative, draining person I have ever met, and I always tried to convince myself he would be a better person once he had ended it with her...now I see this is WHO is he is. He told me only yesterday that he had sat at home writing a list of people he can't stand at work...what 43 year old man does that??????

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wow Amanda, just read your post. That's devastating. I'm impressed that you pointed out that low self-esteem and co-dependency made it more difficult to get away. I'd been there too, and it makes it hard to get out of bad relationships. You should check out "Co-dependency No More" - a good read.

 

Feel fortunate that you only lost 1.5 yrs of your life and not 15. I really hope he stays away from you as it always makes it more difficult when he continues to pursue. Do whatever you can to get away from this guy. He's 43 and his behavior is never going to change. I'm really sorry you met this guy but in the process you are discovering yourself and what you're really worth! 10000X better than this guy.

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wow Amanda, just read your post. That's devastating. I'm impressed that you pointed out that low self-esteem and co-dependency made it more difficult to get away. I'd been there too, and it makes it hard to get out of bad relationships. You should check out "Co-dependency No More" - a good read.

 

Feel fortunate that you only lost 1.5 yrs of your life and not 15. I really hope he stays away from you as it always makes it more difficult when he continues to pursue. Do whatever you can to get away from this guy. He's 43 and his behavior is never going to change. I'm really sorry you met this guy but in the process you are discovering yourself and what you're really worth! 10000X better than this guy.

 

I will check that book Mentee, thanks!

 

I think he will stay away this time, for the first time I asked him to leave rather than letting him walk away....and havent given in and contacted him or apologised immediately and I think my manner and strength in my words would have shown him I really mean it this time. And I do, I feel relieved, I just hope I continue to feel relieved as time goes on...

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Whilst I havent heard from him, and Im glad, Im ready for what he might say in response to my ending things...

 

He will say that my insecurities since all his messing around were tiresome and that he couldn't cope with hearing about how I doubted him at times (I never ever shouted or was angry towards him but I did sometimes question him and express my doubts). Please see first post to see what he put me through....

 

He will say that yesterday, when I was upset about my money worries and stresses, and he asked if I wanted a hug and I said no not right now...that I created distance between us and that he didnt like that. I had a right to have some time, right? I wasnt nasty, I just needed to express my pain and then, when I had calmed down I went to him and asked for a hug and hugged him back. Later, when I said I felt he had gone distant he told me "you were the one that said you didnt want a hug, and have put all your problems on me...so dont blame me for the distance".

 

I am not questioning my decision, I just know that these are the things he will say if he gets the opportunity and I want to be ready...

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This paragraph ALONE helped quirky!!

 

The key is that you have got to stop thinking that because someone has given all that they can give that it makes it enough, or believing that you can continue to put your bucket down in the emotional blackhole well in the hope that on one of the buckets trips, some extra emotion will come out.

 

Thank you x

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At work today, as I expected because I have received text messages since ending things, he sent me emails (through the internal system and I can't block him easily).

 

He was saying all the usual crap that I get when I end things, about how special I was, how he did this and did that for me whilst we together (he travelled over one night to see me when I was feeling a little low) and how he bought me perfume for Valentines Day (the most expensive gift he has ever bought anyone), and how how I bailed out before we were going to go to counselling together. We were due to go this Wednesday.

 

The reason I was even uncertain about the counselling was because he had started to say things like, as he has been on his own a few times, "it's all about the relationship, thats what she (the counsellor) focuses on, and there is more to me than my relationship. I mean, its not as though we are married". To me, he is already being negative about it, it's couples counselling, that he booked when he was trying to win me back, and these comments to me are just further evidence that he was starting to resent having to look at the issues...

 

He went on to say how is he supposed to feel when I am feeling so low about my money issues and how he had wanted a nice time, but I was upset....

 

All of this from the man who spent a year cheating and lying...

 

AARRRGGGHHH....

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I was certain he was gonna contact you. You will have to be SOOO strong. He will try and twist your words and convince you that you are a crazy woman, too sensitive and over the top. Then this makes you doubt yourself, losing your self esteem or even get tired of fighting him and you'd give in (how I wish I didn't know the pattern). But maybe not this time. Maybe this time you will overcome yourself.

 

here's something else that may be relevant

 

 

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Well the stuff you are sending me is certainly helping Quirky and there really is NO way Im going back....you clearly have some experience of people made of the same stuff. And just as you describe, and the article you sent me, they are so outrageous and have had you doubting yourself for sooo long, it is a constant battle to convince and remind yourself why you need to be away from them. But I would rather have this battle with me, than with him...so stay away I will.

 

I know that I am also playing out something from my past, my childhood and my adolescence, which were traumtic to say the least. My family is a mess, in fact there isn't one...so to me, being accepted has massive significance. The problem is, I often seek it from people who remind me subconsciously of those who caused my problems in the first place!!

 

Sigh....

 

Once, again...thank you x

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