I'm pregnant and I don't think we love each other anymore....

[mca1975]

Feeling so rock bottom today. We still have not seen each other for nearly a week since I have been staying at my mums to chill out. I have had such a lovely time here, so relaxing and cared about. I speak to him for the first time yesterday and we argue AGAIN.

 

He tells me that we must save money even after I told him I would be, in that telling bossy fashion that he always does. It makes me feel so uncomfortable so I snap. I then calm down and explain why I reacted that way and he argues back with me telling me that I cannot even have a conversation with him.

 

We exchange some emails and they sound cold from his corner, saying that he wants to do the right thing for the baby, no mention of me. I asked him if he wants me too and he said he doesnt know but he loves me. I've never heard him say that before, that he doesnt know.....

 

When we spoke also he sounds so worried about money, worried that I might not have much, worried that baby toiletries are too expensive, yet he spends hundreds when he can on nice clothes for himself. My heart of hearts tells me not to stay with him, but I feel heartbroken. I don't think I love him. I find him shallow, selfish and uncaring, and jealous. I believe the news of the new baby has brought him happiness in that he will have the status of being called a dad, but I feel that the nitty gritty is interfering with his lifestyle and that he is jealous of the new baby's attention, that he/she will get.

 

I and my family are stunned that he is being like this. Conversations between us are strained and I feel its the end. I feel very sad about it..... I don't know if I can forgive him for giving me such a hard time while I'm pregnant. I feel really let down.

[DN]

You have left him while you are pregnant, he is concerned about money which is entirely understandable and your whole relationship with this guy has been a minefield. For the sake of the baby it is time both of you stopped being so hyper-critical of each other in every possible way you can find and started working together so that you can provide a loving and stable home for the child. Being responsible parents means putting the baby's interests first - and you should get together tomorrow to figure out the best way to do that and stop biting each other.

[mca1975]

DN, I don't know how. He calls me names over money that I am poncing off him and that makes me feel uncomfortable and not my own person. I don't know what to do. I havent told him its over yet, I am in turmoil right now for our baby. I know we should try, but we just argue and hate each other.

[mca1975]

I know that he feels 'over a barrell with me' financially, that he will have to provide. I don't think he wants to. He has mocked me over sickness since I found out I am pregnant, argued with me, even my parents have spoken to him, but he does not change. How can I live with someone and start family life when we have been living like lodgers since we moved in together, separate money, separate dinners, there is no home life between us. Been accused of being a ponce. I don't want to be made to feel that I owe him for the rest of the my life, that will make me and our baby unhappy.

 

He is impossible and he just upsets me, how are we going to make it work, he is very stubborn and to be honest, I am so hurt by his behaviour. He acts like he does not care, all he cares about is making himself look right!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I can't remember why you rely on him for money. Are you working? It sounds to me like your financial situation is pretty shaky. If you were to become a single parent would you have enough money to support yourself and your baby? What if he doesn't step up to the plate and give the child support he is supposed to give? This guy is making fun of you and disrespecting you. Is he like that with other people? Do you think he will be a good dad and be loving and caring to his child and take on the full responsibilities of childhood even if you are not together? If you remain together the two of you need to change how you deal with each other, or else your child will grow up to see two parents fighting with each other and your child could end up taking that dysfunctional pattern into his own relationships when he is an adult.

[Batya33]

I don't think he had any obligation to support you financially just because you lived together (and the picture you paint is far different from the happiness and joy you said you experienced living with him in the recent past, I know now it feels like it was never happy). He does have a financial obligation towards the child.

 

I agree things have deteriorated and I agree with DN. Have you found a counselor yet or some objective third party (not a family member) who can mediate an adult, mature discussion?

 

I find the baby's things to be very expensive but also find that with research and effort you can find ways to spend a little less for the same products and services. And now is the time to start thinking about who can give you hand me downs, etc. Since you couldn't really answer the question as to why you weren't ready to move in so fast but you were ready to try for a baby, maybe he's been feeling like a sperm donor more than your boyfriend or a (potential) father - even though he agreed not to use birth control, that is. Of course he is responsible too but maybe this is part of his acting out. Clearing the air totally on that issue and everything else, in a safe environment (with a counselor is my suggestion) might help.

 

And I agree with DN that you do have to have a thicker skin about the name calling so that you don't dissolve each conversation into bickering and you can get somewhere. Yes, easier said than done but just keep your eye on the prize - a healthy pregnancy and child.

[Ellie2006]

He has mocked me over sickness since I found out I am pregnant, argued with me, even my parents have spoken to him, but he does not change. How can I live with someone and start family life when we have been living like lodgers since we moved in together, separate money, separate dinners, there is no home life between us. Been accused of being a ponce. I don't want to be made to feel that I owe him for the rest of the my life, that will make me and our baby unhappy.

 

He is impossible and he just upsets me, how are we going to make it work, he is very stubborn and to be honest, I am so hurt by his behaviour. He acts like he does not care, all he cares about is making himself look right!

 

MCA, in what I've underlined above, OTHER THAN the arguing, has those things occurred persistently or were they just one-time occurrences??

 

I am NOT saying that it's ok (nor am I making excuses for your bf) but if it was only a one-time occurrence, how about chalking it up to him being anxious and worried and letting go of the resentment that he called you a name or made fun of you while you were experiencing morning sickness?

 

Like DN, CAD, and Batya said, it's not time to sweat the "small stuff." Rather, it's time to look at the bigger picture re: baby and becoming responsible parents.

 

He is saying that he loves you so I think the best thing would be to start from there. Dont doubt his love. Forgive him for his past wrongdoings. Trust that he wants to work things out but doesnt exactly know how. Go to a counselor to find ways to work on your issues. And take care of yourself (and your baby) in the meantime!

[mca1975]

Hi all, I just wanted to let you all know that I DO NOT RELY ON HIM FINANCIALLY. I am a working adult and have been a working adult all my life, it is killing me the thought of not being able to work in the future, it will feel very strange, but I want to be able to be there for my baby at least for the first 6-9 months of its life, maybe more.

 

The reason we are bickering and arguing now is because I will not be unhappy anymore with the way our relationship is, and that is because of the baby. I want our baby to be happy and live in happy surroundings and if we are to stay together, THINGS MUST CHANGE. That is exactly the reason why I am going through this with him, so he can see how wrong it all is. We need to start sharing and being a family. I do not want his money, but I do not want to feel that I OWE him for the rest of my life because he paid the first SKY bill for us, even though that was agreed, and he pays more rent than me WHICH WAS ALSO AGREED even though I tried to talk him into getting a cheaper place for us. I do not rely on him nor do I want his money, but I do not want to be resented for things he agreed to pay for, even when I tried to reason with him to tell him he didnt need to. He wanted to get a large SKY package, I didnt. He said he would pay for the first month.

 

However, I am pleased to annouce that we met yesterday and things were much calmer and we are both working through this slowly together.

 

I am doing all of this for my baby because I want what is right for it, a happy home, where we are BOTH happy. If we do not work out, I will be able to manage on my own with my family, I am confident of that, but we have to try.

[Ellie2006]

Hey girl, it's great that things have calmed down a bit and you two are on the way to a workable resolution!

 

I dont think you have to feel like you have to explain yourself to ENA; I cant speak for everyone, of course, but I think we all are trying to understand your situation and offer our two cents.

 

In any event, with things calming down, I hope you'll be able to now focus on your and your baby's overall well-being and bonding as parents Good luck!

[DN]

AS you know I have followed your threads since you were first posting about your problems with his mother when you were staying with her prior to moving into your own place with him.

 

I hope that he does make the necessary changes to make your family work. But I hope you do too because at least 50% of the problems that you two have had lay at your door as well as at his. You also have had issues that you need to address and it would be totally unfair to demand that he be the only one to change and use the threat of him being a weekend Dad to his child to get the relationship on your terms only.

[mca1975]

All throughout our relationship, I have found him to be totally non-understanding of any emotional difficulty I have had. He has not "listened" to me properly before and has not shown much understanding. I know it has all happened now and I obviously made those choices willingly, but I can tell you now that there is a lot of resentment between us that has built up over crappy circumstances that have happened to us. I am of course willing to work through things with him, I just want some respect from him and a little understanding. I will NOT be told I am a ponce or that he pays for everything when it isn't true. That is unfair and he realises that now.

 

When I moved out of my flat, he pressured me and sulked. He didnt and couldnt understand why I found it hard living with people again, he said I was being silly. He couldnt understand why I found it so hard and "smothering" living with his parents, he said I was being silly and ungrateful. He said I was also being stupid saying that I was unhappy with the choice of living quarters that we chose recently and when I said I felt isolated and lonely living there, he said it was not far away and not to be so silly. Now that I call not listening to what your girlfriend is telling you. Do her feelings not matter?? All I wanted was a bit of understanding on those things.

[Batya33]

It's hard to respond to you because you wrote in many many posts how wonderfully he treated you, how wonderful he was, how happy you were to be living with him, how you two were going to be able to face the challenges of living together, etc etc. Either you didn't want to share what you wrote above, or you were trying to convince yourself that you were happy by posting that you were. Again, if it was as bad as you say it was in your post - if he was never understanding about your emotional difficulties all throughout your relationship, and all the rest of the bad things you posted - then why did you decide to make a baby with this man? Something just doesn't add up.

 

Having been there, pregnancy, childbirth and newborns, etc are an intensely emotional time (at least for me and I bet that's not unique) so it doesn't make much sense to choose someone who can't handle your emotional difficulties before starting out. I think his behavior right now is jerky but he must be terribly confused about how unhappy you are and claim to have been all this time, given your decision to get pregnant. That's not very respectful to him, either. Have you looked for a counselor yet?

[mca1975]

I do understand you being confused Batya. I guess I am quite emotionally complex. I have been told that before. Basically before we got tgoether, I was very afraid to get with someone again, even though I liked and felt love for him, even jealousy over other women, wanted his company. I felt safer being alone but also unhappy. I felt compelled to him and it was a scary thing to admit it and go forth. It felt so strange being in a relationship again, but also exhilirating. I found it very hard, as I have with all my others, to be calm in the relationship. I tend to worry too much in relationships, can be obsessive and always feel insecure. But I didnt in this one, not at first, but then I could feel it creeping back in. I find it really hard to TRUST and I push away.

 

He had always treated me like a princess, but that stopped since our living circumstances changed dramatically. I felt like I had become a burden almost. Everything was TOO QUICK for me. It was like we had had 1-2 months of dating and having fun and then all hell broke loose and we were searching for places to live, scrambling for money. Everything went too quick, which I think is why we are here today.

 

As for the pregnancy, I don't even think its worth discussing that, because that has happened now and I am ready to face up to that, but I did NOT mean to fall pregnant. In fact, I always thought I couldnt.

[Cimmie]

mca1975 I've been following this thread and your last post struck me particularly. I agree with what DN says that it takes two to create difficulties in a relationship, and it is very difficult on a forum like this to see both sides (especially when only one partner is posting!)

 

But your comments about difficulty trusting, feeling insecure and so on are interesting. Is it possible for you to step back a moment, mentally remove yourself from the equation, and examine which percentage of the difficulties are genuinely of your boyfriend's making and which arise from your insecure point of view? Often, when we feel insecure, we decide that we need certain things from our SO, and NOW: attention, contact at a particular time, for them to really *listen* and understand, for them to agree with our viewpoint without demur and so on. We forget that our needs can be out of proportion to the situation, that our SO is not telepathic, that they may have conflicting needs, that our insecurity makes us behave in ways we otherwise wouldn't. Then, if we are touchy, it's so easy for tempers to fray and resentment to build up.

 

It is also very difficult, when money is tight, or circumstances are otherwise unfavourable (living arrangements and so on) to avoid projecting that on to the relationship.

 

I know it's hugely difficult imaginatively to remove yourself from the equation in this way, especially when emotions are heightened, but it might help you understand where he's coming from and where you stand relative to each other. You seem, from your posts, to be very uncertain a lot of the time, both about your own feelings and needs, and his. It must be using up an enormous amount of your energy and thought and it seems to be getting in the way of you thinking clearly and hopefully about the future, which is particularly important at this time.

 

I also agree with Batya that it might be a good idea to see a counsellor at this point if you can't achieve the needed clarity in your thinking and there are still conflicts between yourself and your boyfriend.

[mca1975]

Cimmie, what you say really makes sense. I know I have played my part in all this. Mostly all of my energy is taken up by my worry of the relationship, I am hardly myself anymore. I always stop my life and the relationship becomes my life when I am with someone. I have always been the same but after my ex died, I thought I had changed and become stronger. I had built up such a huge wall at the start which took a while to break down, but it still keeps whizzing up in front of me at times.

[Cimmie]

Cimmie, what you say really makes sense. I know I have played my part in all this. Mostly all of my energy is taken up by my worry of the relationship, I am hardly myself anymore. I always stop my life and the relationship becomes my life when I am with someone. I have always been the same but after my ex died, I thought I had changed and become stronger. I had built up such a huge wall at the start which took a while to break down, but it still keeps whizzing up in front of me at times.

 

You know, you probably *are* much stronger than you think! You are going through a really life-changing event at the moment, so it's especially important for both of you to cut each other some slack. Yes, he should be making an extra effort to be sensitive now, but guys go through a lot with the discovery of a pregnancy also. Unfortunately, you can't control any of that, you can only control your reactions to the situation.

 

I would still strongly advise seeking some counselling if possible, but there are things you can do to help the situation along too, such as refusing to engage in the blame-game or guilt tactics.

 

The same old advice about dealing with anxiety applies here also: actively engage in 'self-soothing' strategies: if you google this you'll find some interesting tips, such as concentrating on gently stimulating the five senses in order to quiet that part of your mind that is whizzing around telling you that your needs aren't being met and escalating the panic. Do very simple things that you enjoy.

 

Also, concentrate on the good things about your boyfriend, the reasons you got together in the first place, what you like about him, the ways he *is* being supportive. Anytime you find yourself focusing on his perceived deficiencies, consciously make yourself think about these things. Remember that both of you are under unusual pressure at this time.

 

It's very easy for anxiety to dominate and usurp attention and energy away from more important things. You know that your priorities will be undergoing a huge shift in the coming months. One thing is certain: having a baby will change your life in all sorts of ways you probably never anticipated, including your relationship. It's important to realise that and to reassure yourself often that you are strong enough to deal with those changes, and to surround yourself with as much support as you need from your friends, family and your boyfriend. And part of that involves calming down as much as possible and *allowing* your boyfriend to step up to the plate.

 

Don't you think he will?

[mca1975]

I think he wants to, he says he will, but again I am scared to trust and its oh so very much MORE important now to trust for the sake of my baby and for it to be right for our baby.

[Cimmie]

I think he wants to, he says he will, but again I am scared to trust and its oh so very much MORE important now to trust for the sake of my baby and for it to be right for our baby.

 

Then you have to let him. Basically, you have to make a decision to trust him and then stick to that decision.

 

But I think that it will help you immensely if you tell yourself - and really believe - that you will be okay no matter what. That even if he doesn't come through, you will be okay and you will be able to look after the baby and yourself and will have support anyway.

 

Even 'happily married' women who have children need to face that - the prospect of losing a partner for whatever reason. I think you *are* strong enough for this - what comes through in your posts (reading between the lines) is that you want this baby and are excited about it.

 

There's a huge amount of support out there for prospective mothers, both online and elsewhere, probably more now than at any other time. Perhaps you already are doing this, but engaging with that support might help you put things in perspective and, more importantly, to start enjoying this unique time in your life.

[mca1975]

Thank you Cimmie. I am very excited and very happy about the baby! He is also. I know I have to let go and TRUST for my baby's happiness. I feel very emotional now, lol. I feel so protective, more than I have ever felt. The baby is more important that myself.

 

I know I will always have lots of support, I am very lucky to have a large loving family and will always have somewhere to go, some people do not have that. But, hopefully with some hard work we can make it as a family. I think maybe things have become very DISTORTED, I think thats the right word. Yes I have been investigating information on-line and everywhere else I can, talking with friends, about this wonderful experience.

[DN]

I think maybe things have become very DISTORTED,

'Things' haven't become distorted. Your thinking has. And so has the thinking of your boyfriend. And that is what you both need to address - not just regarding how you view each other but also your self-view and your view of the world in general.

[Batya33]

I agree with DN and Cimmie. I read your posts that you were trying to get pregnant because of your age and at the very least not trying to avoid it by not using birth control, so that's why I find this post confusing. I understand emotional complexity - I was referring to the inconsistencies in your posts about your feelings about your bf, moving in together, getting pregnant, etc. DN expressed it far better than I could and I love Cimmie's insights - glad that was helpful! My point is that the inconsistencies might be confusing to your bf - not that your emotional complexities were causing the problems. Of course he has to face reality too and behave in a far more mature way but the inconsistencies in your behavior and actions/statements aren't helping the issues. I hope you continue to feel well in your pregnancy!

[mca1975]

Thank you Batya! I cannot stop eating now! lol

[Batya33]

Thank you Batya! I cannot stop eating now! lol

 

I knew I had gone over the edge when I found myself putting cream cheese AND cheddar cheese on crackers. I didn't have a huge apetite but I always wanted rich dairy (which unfortunately interferes with iron absorption in those darn prenatal vitamins.). And then I had a baked potato phase (with butter/sour cream) - which I thought was odd until someone I chatted with from ENA wrote to me about the same craving! I bet I just got you thinking about them too ;-)

[Seraphim]

I knew I had gone over the edge when I found myself putting cream cheese AND cheddar cheese on crackers. I didn't have a huge apetite but I always wanted rich dairy (which unfortunately interferes with iron absorption in those darn prenatal vitamins.). And then I had a baked potato phase (with butter/sour cream) - which I thought was odd until someone I chatted with from ENA wrote to me about the same craving! I bet I just got you thinking about them too ;-)

 

Ilived on baked potatoes when pregnant.......lol.....that and fruit. It was the only food I could eat.

[mca1975]

I am ravenous for fresh veg and fruit at the moment, namely asparagus and strawberries and strangely enough, Chocolate, because I am NOT a chocolate lover! However, I have always loved my food and eat very strange things anyway.