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Hi, this may have been asked before but I wanted to post this anyway. The reason for me being here is that a while ago, about 2.5 years my heart was totally broken and for a long time I felt hopeless, at some point I felt dead on the inside. Anyways, here I am, I survived the ordeal, but now I feel like I lost all the confidence I once had. I'm not Brad Pitt or anything like that when it comes to looks but I dont think im bad looking, but I just dont know where to start when it comes to asking girls out, or even worse, i dont know what kind of girl im looking for. I tried after breaking up with my ex to go out with girls on dates, or simply going out with girls with whom i had been intimate with but that sure backfired, I couldnt stop talking about the ex or i was comparing every girl to the ex. I feel lost, I really want a girlfriend, not because I'm alone or for the physical part, I can deal with that, but there's so much love in me, and I'm finally over my ex, even though sometimes i catch myself daydreaming but that part of my life is over. I dont really know what Im asking here, maybe i just wanted to vent a little, but any opinions, insight, recommendations, whatever anybody can say will be extremely appreciated. Thanks a lot and have a great weekend!

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Hey man,

 

Sorry for your loss, it seems that you really cared for this girl to still have this kind of effect after 2.5 years ago. And by the way you're writing, you either are lost or still aren't over this girl. To me you're desperately trying to fill this void your ex left on you and that's why you're going after girls you had history with. Personally, I feel that when a relationship is over then it's truly over. One can't go back to an old relationship, or should I say bad relationship, because it had not ended in a 50 year marriage with multitudes of grandchildren and buried next to the love of your life. I think whenever someone goes through a relationship and doesn't end well, the void changes into a different shape. And because of such change, you gotta find a brand new person that will fit into that shape.

 

I don't know if this is a good advice or not, but I would have to say, instead of trying to find a girlfriend (any girlfriend for that matter it seems to you), try doing mini-steps. Since you don't know what kind of girl you're into, ask out any girls, who you don't have any history with! Tall, short, skinny, fat, athletic, black, white, Asian: any girls you think you're attracted to. And when you take them out, shut the hell up! Keep your mouth heavy and ask neutral, light and fun questions about her that will continue the conversation. Also, don't ask questions that start with, "do you like this or that." And while on these dates, don't hope or think that this particular girl will be your next girlfriend. Just imagine yourself just getting to know someone new and that's it.

 

If you're having difficult time doing these things on actual dates, have pretend dates with your female friends (friends that are women, not women that became your friends after a relationship). Your "friends" will be very understanding and will display unconditional love so practice away.

 

Finally, I repeat, after 2.5 years you're still not over your ex even though you said you are. In my mind, only a way a person is still not over an ex after that long of a period, the person is still keeping contact with his/her ex. I don't know if she's still hanging around you or you're still checking on her, knock it off! Cut out everything about her in your life. If she calls, just tell her that you can't talk and you're busy in a polite way, or don't pick up the phone. Better yet, delete her number from your cell. If you meet her on the street, just say hello in a friendly and polite way and be on your merry way. Personally, I don't even give a chance for my exes to rear their ugly heads in my life. I don't talk to them, only hellos and goodbyes, and I don't talk bad about them either.

 

I hope my opinion is helpful and that you'll see a new light in your life. Just be strong, confident, happy and healthy, then you'll see wonderful women lining up endlessly in your life.

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Bleh bleh, it's been 2 years since I'm separated from my husband. We are not in contact and I am not over him. There are really no hard fast rules when it comes to love, though there may be general tendencies. My heart is still breaking. I was always a very cheerful person in life so this is not my style. He is the love of my life and I just can't get over him.

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Bleh bleh, thanks for your advice, and you are right in some things ... sadly but I do not keep contact with her, actually she moved away from where I live shortly before we broke up, but the breakup was not amicable in any way, it ended on my birthday, so that was my gift, and I know this was waaaay long ago, I realize I should have moved on by now, because I've met really nice girls since her, but I dont let them into my life, they become friends and that's it. The one thing that triggered this latest "meltdown" was that I found out that she had a kid, which makes me really happy for her, because she always had trouble with her reproductive system so she was always afraid that she wouldnt be able to conceive, I'm happy that she's fine but a part of me feels jealous, we are nothing now but I cant do anything about this feeling. Anyways bleh bleh, I'll follow your advice on going out with friends as pretend dates, I actually never thought of that, but now that I remember a friend suggested that some time ago but I couldnt do it because the only thing I could talk about was my ex.

 

Thanks a lot!

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