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valentines day plans. should i see him?


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so tomorrow is the dreaded holiday. my boyfriend and i after 4 years just broke up. we had valentines day plans though. he says he still loves me but needs time for himself to be single for a while. he also said he would still hang out tomorrow. now the question i have is.... should i still see him? he claims he will still treat me the same but just needs his space. This is what really confuses me. i sort of think i should go just to see what's going to happen. at the same time i think i should just give him his space. i am devastated but this is not the first time we have broken up so i am handling it much better this time around. i don't want to see him and to have it push me back further but if nothing changes then i don't think i will be that upset. help!

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For those on the cusp of just getting together or breaking up, Valentine's Day is a trap, because it muddies the waters by implying that people should spend a symbolically "romantic" day together when they're not feeling like a coherent couple. Why on earth would you allow the greeting card, diamond, and chocolate industries dictate how you cope with a break-up?

 

End rant. Point being: why put yourself through the pretense of Valentine's Day with an ex who needs space? If he shows affection you'll be second-guessing it ("did he kiss me because he felt obliged since it was V-day?" etc.), and if he doesn't show much affection you'll be miserable AND second guessing it. If you have a superficially nice V-day, how much worse will you feel when the next day he still isn't sure, and still wants space?

 

Why would you willingly subject yourself to that? Valentine's Day can be nice but it's enormously overrated, and a large proportion of the people who celebrate it are going through the motions, mindlessly exchanging unoriginal, obligatory gifts that supposedly represent the depth of their feelings for each other. Don't buy into the idea that you need to be doing something just because it's Valentine's Day. Go shopping for yourself instead. Rent a movie you've always wanted to see but know that no guy would willingly watch with you. Seriously there are lots of awesome ways you could spend the day.

 

If someone wants space, your best bet in almost every case is to give it to them in spades. More than they want! Tell your ex that you feel like you're coming down with a cold and think it'll be best to not get together.

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I agree with uhohlala, except that I don't think you need to make up an excuse. Just say that you don't think it is a good idea.

 

He wants space, so give it to him. It sounds like he is offering to spend time with you today as a favor to you. However, I think it is too early in the split. You both need some time apart to let emotions settle. Just because society tells you that you need to celebrate Valentine's day with someone does not mean that you should - or that you should spend it with just anyone. It will also show him that you are capable of living life without him.

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The only reason I suggest faking a cold or similar is so that you get out of having to spend the day with him without looking spiteful. There's certainly nothing wrong with being straightforward and saying that you don't think it's a good idea. Honesty is always commendable. But depending on your dynamic with your ex if you feel that would look like you're trying to say "See, you don't get to spend V-day with me because you decided to break up with me," why not get out of it with a white lie that causes minimal friction.

 

The main thing is to get out of it.

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