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Extreme argument -> GF demands I get counselling


sahara56

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I have been going out with my GF for 6 months. We are both in our late 20's and have NO problems, except when we fight, when it is almost always a HUGE problem and really unhealthy

 

Unfortunately, in my perception, my GF has an extreme anger management problem. There is almost always one volume in a fight, and that is YELLING. It also gets to this stage very quickly.

 

This makes me feel very defensive and when I ask her to 'calm down' or to act in the interests of the 'team' or at least be constructive/positive - nothing changes. Over time, I eventually lose my patience and either yell back, tell her to 'shut up' or ask to have a time out so I can calm down (or all of the above). The vast majority of the time she will not let me leave to have a break to calm down, if I walk away, she will follow me and yell/scream if we are in public so I have no choice but to continue the fight (as I hate public fighting)

 

Yesterday I asked to have a break and leave my room, but she wedged herself between me and the door. I asked her to move as I wanted a break (repeatedly). As usual, she refused and I tried to move her out of the way. In doing so, I grabbed her arms to move her sideways and as I am significantly larger/stronger than her, I left marks on both arms at her elbow joint. Likewise, she left a mark on my bicep.

 

She left later, and then came back. I opened my main door with the chain accross it and she wedged herself in the middle again (as she screamed/yelled in my apartment entrance). I was scared of letting her inside again as things got so extreme and I'm not sure what she will do, or if I could get her out of my house again. I told her I would meet her outdoors and then it degenerated again and I left asking for space and she ended up chasing me down a flight of stairs grabbing me ("for a hug").

 

I was then accused of being 'physically violent' three times for the stuff above and she now has told her best friends and close family members about what happened and they all think I am violent/mean ("...my boyfriend would never say/do those things")

 

She has now said if we are to ever go out again, I need to attend physical violence counselling.

 

I feel horrible about all of this and am not defending my actions, but feel helpless when I am bombarded by yelling/screaming and when I feel like I am about to lose my temper, I am not allowed space/time to calm down.

 

I know that she has had this pattern in previous relationships, and now I must publicly admit my "guilt" by taking this counselling, whilst she is still saying that she doesn't need to give me space and nothing she says/does should ever lead me to get so mad.

 

Honestly, I feel like I am being manipulated and I am extremely upset that I will not be able to change friends/family opinion after something like this despite the fact that she is incredibly difficult.

 

I would REALLY like a reality check

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Dump her. Listen, if you are having these arguments 6 months which is an unbelievably short time for a relationship, think what will happen later. It won't get better. Counseling? Has she considered this for herself? She should get it, definitely. You have to realize that this is how she is and if she doesn't get professional help, this is how she will be 10, 20, 30 years from now. That's a reality check. I would never be able to deal with such a person and would leave them. My mental health is more important.

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am i the only person who's worried about these fights slowly escalating to physical? you had to use force to 'control' her so to speak. she left a mark on you. that's not abuse, but i can see it easily getting there next time when the fight is more intense and both of you totally lose control.

 

i'd get out. like nicnicnic said, this is a very young relationship for there to be these problems. yelling matches get you nowhere, and if she can't control her anger enough to give you space to think during a fight - always a good idea, that, to cool your head - or not make a scene in public, do you really want to be around for her downward spiral? (you know it won't get any better.)

 

normally i'd suggest talking to her, but she seems like an unreasonable person. unless she's willing to commit to therapy herself - which she seems to show no indication of - this seems like a situation where the bad definitely outweigh the goods. a bad temper is no picnic.

 

good luck!!

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Agree with the above poster ^.

 

This could easily lead to a serious, abusive relationship. These things tend to escalate.

 

It is difficult enough working on an anger problem WHILE acknowledging you do have a problem and it is your responsibility to fix it. She doesn't even believe she has a problem. SO, there is absolutely ZERO reason for you to believe that she will change.

 

So that leaves where you actually have control - YOU. If you stay, sure, you could change some of your behaviors and adapt to this dysfunctional situation. Does that sound like a good idea to you? It isn't. No matter how 'perfect' you are, no matter how well controlled you are in your responses, it will never be enough and it will never be healthy.

 

The ONLY real option you have is to leave now before things get worse. This will eat away at who you are if you allow it to, and it will eat away at your relationships with others in your life and what is important to you.

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She said that if I go to the violence counselling, and if she decides to take me back, then she said then WE need to go to joint counselling.

 

How do I ask her to get anger management help? I've asked her multiple times after previous fights that I find her anger unbearable and her response (even yesterday) was "this will never change, you need to see if you can live with me. If you can't, someone else will"

 

How do you get someone like this to go to counselling or even raise it in the situation I am in now?

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I realize you don't want to hear this ...but...

 

The blunt answer is "You can't". You can't get her to do anything. Even listen to you if she doesn't want to.

 

And she has made it real clear that she doesn't see a need to change, won't change, and if you don't like it: tough, she'll find someone else who will put up with her nonsense.

 

What you do to release yourself is - Let It Go. Worry about you. Let her go. Let her make her own decisions no matter how ridiculous and unhealthy they are.

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Thanks

 

Do you feel like I would be a sucker if I went to this counseling and she hadn't committed to do anything on her anger?

 

I feel so hurt in that I know how to control my anger, by getting space and not being yelled at, but I can't get that. Now, by going to this counselling, I'm likely to be told coping mechanisms to cool down!

 

It feels retarded and now that her friends/family think I'm abusive, they are telling her to dump me. How is it that there can be such divergent views about who is to 'blame'?

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She said that if I go to the violence counselling, and if she decides to take me back, then she said then WE need to go to joint counselling.

 

How do I ask her to get anger management help? I've asked her multiple times after previous fights that I find her anger unbearable and her response (even yesterday) was "this will never change, you need to see if you can live with me. If you can't, someone else will"

 

How do you get someone like this to go to counselling or even raise it in the situation I am in now?

 

You don't get them to go to counseling. They have to choose on thier own to go and put in the work to change.

 

Seriously, for your own safety, sanity and freedom break it off with her. I've been in a similar situation and unless the other person really wants to change they aren't going to and it's only going to get worse. And, having been in a physically abusive relationship once I can tell you you don't want to be in one yourself.

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a good, healthy relationship already takes work. this will never be a healthy relationship. the increase in the work it'll take to keep it up is exponential. she doesn't want help; hell, she's not even aware of her problem. (and she's got one, make no doubt of that. a serious one, at that.)

 

this is a sticky situation all around. what could you possibly be getting out of this relationship that would make you stick around for when she decides to go on her killing rampages? do you not see how unreasonable she is?

 

a potentially physically abusive relationship, a totally delusional partner (to think she doesn't have a problem!!), and the demand that YOU go to therapy? sounds like a no brainer to me. unless there's something you're keeping from us, i honestly don't see why you would stick this out.

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I don't think you'd be a sucker to speak to someone, like a therapist, to help you process what you have been through and to clear up your head about this. For you.

 

It seems to me like she has 'messed with your head' and she seems like an abusive person, and abusive people do tend to mess with our heads and can leave us feeling confused, hurt, and just generally with a loss of perspective about the situation.

 

I think you going to speak to a therapist about this would be smart. Not so that you can be with her, but so you can start to feel better and get perspective and back to yourself.

 

You also could use that extra person helping to let you know you aren't the crazy one in all this, that this isn't your fault and that there isn't anything you could have done to prevent it. She has a problem, by being around her, it has left you with no choice but to try and respond to crazy situations.

 

Her friends/family, you have to understand, have decided to put up with her craziness and probably are sucked into a sick and unhealthy pattern themselves. They have their own reasons and issues in going along with her....it has nothing to do with you.

 

It doesn't make them right.

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Thanks

 

I do love her and we are perfect when we are not fighting. There is literally not one thing that annoys me about her and vice versa, it's just this one BIG issue

 

I guess if any of your friends/sister had bruises on her arms, you'd think I was an * * * * * * * too. I just don't know how to 'win' especially as if I go to counseling I look like I was 100% guilty, but take the point it may be helpful just for me. If I don't go, I look like I don't care about her/relationship and don't think I "have a problem"

 

I don't want to lose her, but I definitely don't want this type of relationship

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Afterdinnermint, you can PM me any time if you need an extra ear or anything.

 

It would be absolutely great to see you get out of this situation and start flourishing again.

 

That you are speaking in terms of "winning" is, I think, a clear cut sign that this relationship is off the tracks. That doesn't mean there was never and isn't anything good - but the bad here is just too huge to ignore.

 

tc.

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Any relationship that has any kind of physical issue of that sort needs to end. Immediately. You may think you and your girlfriend are perfect, but if stuff like this happens even less than often, it needs to end. My brother and his ex-wife seemed absolutely perfect together, but when they fought it was brutal. Two Thanksgivings ago, they got in a fight over him forgetting the mashed potatoes, even though they lived 10 minutes away. She slapped him as he attempted to remove himself from the situation. He lost his temper, and he grabbed her by the throat, and slammed her twice against the brick of the house, then threw her on the ground and would have continued to assault her had my uncle and I not intervened. She suffered a concussion and had to be immediately taken to the emergency room because the back of her head was bleeding. Needless to say, she wasn't completely an angel here. My brother wanted to remove himself from the situation, she persisted, and he lost his temper. Do you want this to happen? I'm not saying you will eventually assault your girlfriend, but if this continues, you will eventually think about it, and at that point your relationship with her needs to end.

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She said that if I go to the violence counselling, and if she decides to take me back, then she said then WE need to go to joint counselling.

 

How do I ask her to get anger management help? I've asked her multiple times after previous fights that I find her anger unbearable and her response (even yesterday) was "this will never change, you need to see if you can live with me. If you can't, someone else will"

 

How do you get someone like this to go to counselling or even raise it in the situation I am in now?

 

You asked how to get someone like this to go to counseling. Well, from what you say here, it sounds like she is willing to go jointly. It is during the joint session that you can bring up your concerns about her anger and how that makes you feel.

 

I don't think that this relationship can go anywhere without some intense counseling. Whether or not the relationship pans out in the long run depends on how well you both are able to express your concerns, hurts, and grievances. I think that if you do seek counseling, you need to ease back into a relationship very very slowly. Learning how to fight fair is a very important skill, especially for couples who are on the brink of an unhealthy relationship.

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We have been messaging each other all day and a few argumentative phone calls. The end result is that she still doesn't think she has an anger problem, or one that warrants professional help

 

She says that I have to learn how to manage her properly, but she is willing to "explore and work on it".

 

First step for her to "even consider" a relationship with me is for me to go to domestic violence counselling AND anger management class. Then, if she decides we can take it forward, we will go to couple counselling.

 

I feel pretty empty about all of this, and feel like I lost a lot of my dignity. She has yet to apologise for any part of the fight.

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Okay. I have to carefully choose my words here as I predict I might be misunderstood.

 

This really irritates me as I have been in a very similar situation. I think it's ridiculous for people to think they're not in the wrong when they get in your face and say and do the cruelest things, throw things, stand in your way so you can't leave or won't leave themselves, but if you dare put your hands on them to get them to leave, YOU are a terrible person. YOU have a problem. I know what it's like to be pushed so far that all you want them to do is leave before you loose it. It's torture and can drive a person to the edge. Sometimes whats done before there is any physical contact is way worse than the contact itself. What she is doing is abuse. Yelling non-stop, not leaving when you ask her to. She has JUST as much a problem, if not more.

 

I hope you know that this relationship will not work if she doesn't agree that she has done any wrong or seek help herself. I hope she does go to therapy with you. Maybe a professional can talk some sense in to her.

 

Im sorry you're going through this.

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Thank you so much. I have felt so frustrated all day and being made to feel like a criminal.

 

We agreed on some fighting 'ground rules' when we started and with her I realised I needed space from her because she gets very aggressive. I cannot keep myself calm and try to calm her down at the same time while she is yelling at me.

 

She says that "I can't always give you space", and I can only remember one time where she did give me space. The rest of the time she gets physically in my path or literally chases me down the road.

 

Now I'm being asked to go on a course which will tell me how to recognise anger and get some space?!?!?

 

I feel like her play toy that she can parade in front of friends/family now saying that I have a problem, but she is SO special to me that I'm trying to fix it. I can't help but feel that this will hang over me like a noose so she can be the powerful one in the relationship and always make reference to this.

 

I am not condoning touching her, I lost it.

 

I just can't get over her behaviour and now it feels like I am walking into a big fat trap.

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I'm sorry to say that your gf is showing some classic signs of an abusive person: pushing you to the limits and beyond, yet not admitting any fault, even taking it a step further and manage to put all the blame on you.

 

Not that you don't have to learn coping mechanisms in situations of conflict, but if you agree that the fault is only with you and you go to courses/ therapy by yourself (which will be seen by her as admission of guilt) she will always remain in the position of power.

 

You should insist that you will only go to therapy if she is willing to go with you, otherwise you should consider ending this relationship.

 

I know that the highs in abusive relationships can be extremely high, but the lows are really bad. If you want to keep your dignity and self esteem you need to find a healthier way to communicate with each other

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I was gonna say this too. I have been in a physically abusive relationship before and I have to agree that your girlfriend is being VERY manipulative and abusive. She twist action and words around to blame you; to show you are the bad guy here. She is not respectful of space and comes off very confrontational and hostile. Then she's making up excuses about not going to counseling.

 

Is this someone you can truly be happy with? Someone who ALWAYS thinks they're right and turns EVERY argument into hurting your own self-esteem because "everything is your fault?" Really? I wouldn't put up with a partner who treats me like this for 6 months.

 

I am also not for couple's counseling in this case. The anger management though is a hell yes. FOCUS ON YOUR PERSONAL ISSUES BEFORE JUMPING INTO A RELATIONSHIP! Otherwise you both are gonna drive each other away and it's already turning into that result. But couple counseling is expensive. IMO, it's recommend for couples who are getting into marriage or are married. You relationship being 6 months is very short term to be dealing with couples counseling.

 

My suggestion? Dump the relationship and both work on your own personal issues (mainly her) before reconsider going back to a relationship. You don't want it to become violent. What I fear is that she is most likely going to turn into those type of women who come up with wild accusations of you being a woman beater and snitch to the cops about it. You don't want that. Don't take any risks with this one because she has crossed into dangerous territory already with her way of arguing and fighting.

 

 

Ok, this is when you dump her because she is stirring up unnecessary drama. Don't stoop to her controlling behaviors. Call her a crazy b**** and say it's over.

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I was in a similar situation before. I was with a girl for 3 years. and I truly loved her. She was all around a great girl, but she had alot of issues that had nothing to do with me. We fought and argued all the time. I felt the same way. When we weren't argueing things were perfect. We would yell alot at eachother and I hated it. I would try to reason with her, but she would never even attempt to try and reason back. I told my self I wasn't going to stoop to her level and raise my voice with her ever again. and I held true to that and everytime she started yelling I would ask her to calm down and if she didn't I would walk away. One day, She yelled at me for 45 mins without me saying a single word. after that 45 mins were up my first words were telling her how long she had actually been yelling and since I had spoken. This made her even more enraged and she grabbed my phone off the table and threw it at my head. I would never hit a woman, but I wanted to. I do admit. Then she stood in the doorway to my room and wouldn't let me leave. I too grabbed her by the arms and moved her to the side just to get out of my room. Then I headed straight to my car and left. I hid down the street for a half hour until she left.

 

We lasted another month or two, but I ened up breaking up with her. It took me along time to realize thats just not acceptable behavior. Some people have issues and there is nothing you can do about it. You can either choose to accept it and live with it or you can choose to move on. If you decide to accept it, thing s are not going to get better. they will proggressively get worse and worse. Some issues are out of your control. It took alot for me to walk away from that relationship. It wasn't easy at all. I asked my self this question, " Can I ever see my self truly happy in this relationship knowing how things are? Can I Be happy and cope or deal with her fitting for the rest of my life?" The answer was no.

 

We kept in contact for a few months afterwards then lost contact for almost 3 years. She got my number from a friend and called me. She apollogized for alot of things. She went through 2 really bad relationships after me including 1 where the guy actually hit her a couple of times. After all that she went through, she relized what we had and reallized all the stupid things she would fight about. She couldnt even reallize y she would choose to fight about it. She had admitted she had alot of other issues she was dealing with that she didn't even know were issues until she got older. She blamed alot of it on being young and immature. And above all she reallized how great of a guy I was and how great our friendship was and how much she missed it. Had we stayed together I know we both wouldn't be happy today

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My advice is to dump her and forget about working on it. She sounds manipulative; I had a friend very like her, who pulled similar stunts. I knew a guy she did this with as well, and I saw their fights from the outside a couple of times. She wound him up and prodded at him until he lost his temper, and then she screamed domestic abuse (it wasn't). Eventually he walked out of her life, and so did I. It sounds like your case might be similar, and it would be healthier for the two of you to part. She sounds horrible, to be totally honest with you.

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Thank you. I am finding this whole situation really stressful and your comments are really helping me feel like I'm not unrealistic

 

It REALLY hurts that i care about her so much but I just don't know how I can ever face her and her family/friends again under these circumstances. I also have tried and failed to get her to see her problem

 

Does anybody know what you would define this problem as, ie; what is it called specifically? (not just emotional abuse, manipulation?) Ideally, I'd like to send her something so she can look at it or at least for me to get some more understanding about it

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This "relationship" sounds pretty dysfunctional at best. At the rate it's going right now it's simply never going to work out, ever. Her behaviour is unacceptable and if you stay with her you are telling her that it's not a big deal and you don't mind being treated that way. BIG mistake. This is not healthy for either of you and your future is heading for disaster if you insist on staying with her.

 

Sometimes love just isn't enough and your situation happens to be one of them. You need to open your eyes to see where this is heading and face reality - it's never going to work - at least, not in a very healthy way.

 

I wouldn't waste anymore time or energy of trying to fix things. Time has come to break up and the sooner the better, if only for your own peace of mind.

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I understand that you love her. But her behaviour clearly shows that she doesn't truly love and care about you. At best, she's infatuated. You deserve to be loved in return. This is unhealthy for you and will only get worse(being that she think she's done no wrong).

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