Why would a man stay with a women he doesn't love for 4 years?

[LazyDaisy]

I really want to know. I broke up with my BF of 4 years today. We had some problems over the years, but it really became evident today that he doesn't love me. He would tell me he loved me every day, sometimes 3 or 4 times a day. But sometimes his actions would say otherwise.

 

I stayed because he always promised things would be different and over the years I did see some improvements. But he has made no move to move in with me or marry me. I used to think that not getting married was ok, that it was just a piece of paper, but now I know that isn't true. I know that there are certain areas of a man's life where you will always be "just the girlfriend" if you aren't married.

 

So I know why I stayed, but why did he stay? Can any man on here answer that question? Why would a guy put 4 years in with someone that he didn't deep down love and want to be with forever? And I'm not talking about a kid. I'm talking about a 48 year old man. I don't beg or guilt him into staying either.

[LazyDaisy]

or maybe even a text tomorrow saying that you had a great time last night, and that you'd be rude to not wish her a happy valentines!

 

I think you posted this to the wrong thread!

[mgirl]

Hey Daisy,

 

Is this the same man that was treating you like s#$% a few months ago? If so, then you are better off without him.

 

You sound like a great person! And, if i were you, i'd use this opportunity to get yourself to the gym, start some positive thinking and put yourself out there. Sometimes we don't know what we've lost until we've lost it!

 

You need to love yourself now and move on.

[Ac143]

I dont know why a man would stay that long, but some things come to mind.

 

- he didn't have to put much effort into the relationship i.e marriage, moving in..

- he got sex whenever he wanted

- he was comfortable exactly where he was & probably way to lazy to go else where.

 

It really doesn't matter why he stayed - all that matters now is your healing & moving. Sorry you are dealing with this I agree with the above poster - you do seem like a great person and deserve much better then the way he treated you.

[xShannyx]

Something like this happened to me, except our relationship ended because of cheating on his part. When I found out he confessed that for a few months he didnt love me anymore and when I asked him why did he just dump me he said "because I didn't want to hurt you" so maybe that's why.

 

Ps: Sorry that happened to you. Hope you'll feel better soon.

[LazyDaisy]

Hey Daisy,

 

Is this the same man that was treating you like s#$% a few months ago? If so, then you are better off without him.

 

You sound like a great person! And, if i were you, i'd use this opportunity to get yourself to the gym, start some positive thinking and put yourself out there. Sometimes we don't know what we've lost until we've lost it!

 

You need to love yourself now and move on.

 

Hi Mgirl,

 

Yes, same guy. I can't even remember why we were fighting last. I do go to the gym and try to take care of myself. Maybe my self esteem is low, maybe that is why I stay. But I'm really curious as to why he stays. Also if he would just break up with me it would be easier for me to move on. But he never makes it easy on me. I'm not even worried about moving on right now. I'm more concerned with making some sense of it all. I feel I need to make sense of my life and my relationship before I can move on and not make the same mistake again.

I've dated guys and when I knew in my heart I could never marry them, I broke it off which seems like the logical thing to do. Why do other people, men or women want to stay with someone they don't love deeply and never intend on marrying?

[LazyDaisy]

Something like this happened to me, except our relationship ended because of cheating on his part. When I found out he confessed that for a few months he didnt love me anymore and when I asked him why did he just dump me he said "because I didn't want to hurt you" so maybe that's why.

 

Ps: Sorry that happened to you. Hope you'll feel better soon.

 

It hurts me most that he wasted 4 years of my life. But maybe he is passive aggresive and is secretly hoping that I will break it off with him and then he won't have to. The thing is, I have broken up with him before and he begged me to come back. I don't think he will do that again, which is a good thing.

[LazyDaisy]

I dont know why a man would stay that long, but some things come to mind.

 

- he didn't have to put much effort into the relationship i.e marriage, moving in..

- he was comfortable exactly where he was & probably way to lazy to go else where.

 

I think you are onto something with these 2 points!

[In the Dark]

He couldn't get any better than you or he eventually took the relationship for granted.

 

People do get lazy in relationships.

Once they know they have a hold of the person, they stop putting in the effort that they used to.

Some people find their partners appear to be bored of the things they do when they say they love them and eventually stop as it's seems like there is not point to saying it anymore.

 

Taking a relationship for granted for another angle.

[LazyDaisy]

I think he is all around a lazy unambitious person. I made it easy for him not to have to put in too much effort because I am very busy with my own life. But there came a point for me, where I think I wanted more and am ready for more. He keeps me separate from many aspects of his life. I don't expect to spend every minute of the day with someone but I feel that extraordinary events, whether good ones or bad, should be shared by people that are in love and that support each other emotionally. He never shares these experiences.

[itsallgrand]

There is also the possibility that he is either not capable, or not willing, to have a relationship that goes as deeply as you would like and are capable and willing to have.

 

I've come to believe this is true of my last ex. We were together many years and there was always a certain distance. It worked for him, and it worked for me for a time (or so I believed and convinced myself, pushing down the other stuff I wanted thinking it would eventually be resolved and we'd move further).

 

Now, it doesn't have seemed to have been about me though at all. I can't speak definitively obviously about him and his capabilities - but there has been absolutely no evidence to show he is able to go deeper in commitment with anyone so far.

 

In other words, maybe he liked it the way it was even if you didn't. Not everyone is looking or even capable of a truly serious and big time committed relationship - so staying years in a somewhat committed relationship with some aspects of not being a committed couple works just great for them, that is what they wanted all along.

[LazyDaisy]

I think that you are right. We just want different things. I have known that all along. He tried to convince me I was wrong and he just needed time. But that was just an excuse to keep me around longer.

[itsallgrand]

I think that you are right. We just want different things. I have known that all along. He tried to convince me I was wrong and he just needed time. But that was just an excuse to keep me around longer.

 

That sounds like a hard truth! It took me a long time to accept it myself, you are smart to recognize it now (can't go back but you can choose not to waste more time now twisting your mind about why why why).

 

It takes self esteem and knowing oneself to be able to do what you did in ending it. Now you are closer already to what you truly do want.

 

lots of love.

[LazyDaisy]

That sounds like a hard truth! It took me a long time to accept it myself, you are smart to recognize it now (can't go back but you can choose not to waste more time now twisting your mind about why why why).

 

It takes self esteem and knowing oneself to be able to do what you did in ending it. Now you are closer already to what you truly do want.

 

lots of love.

 

Thanks. I have broken up with him before and been weak and gone back. I know what I want, but afraid I will never find it. I stayed with him because I convinced myself it was better than nothing. I also read on here and other places some really awful guys that women stay with and I think I am not so bad off. But I just keep getting hurt and its usually something pretty big.

His granddaughter is in the hospital and he has not asked me to come there with him. Then I find out that everyone we know has been there. When I confronted him he said "well your not family". Some of the other people were not family either. When I tried to talk to him about it he just said" I can't deal with you now" you was said almost like a dirty word. I have never been so hurt in all my life.

[itsallgrand]

Ouch! That is painful even to read! And I can relate.

 

It is amazing to me now - because I have now had around 2 years of being *basically* single and out of the relationship with the ex I refer to here - how much I did compromise myself and what is important to me in order to stay in the relationship with him.

It's especially amazing to me because I do basically consider myself a rather no-bs, strong, not afraid to say what I feel and think, person. It never did occur to me during that time so much that I could be the one conning my own self and cheating myself out of something more....for a man. The very thought totally appalled me too.

 

But the bottom line truth really is that you get what you are willing to put up with and settle for. So if you go back now - you know the deal. And you know you are worth more than that.

 

Whatever his reasons, he's told you pretty loud and clear there is a line where you are not allowed to cross. And that line is really where a lot of the important sharing and caring of a couple stuff happens! Been there.

 

I hope you feel better soon cause you seem like an awesome woman.

[LazyDaisy]

Thanks Itsallgrand. This has been a real eye opener for me. Its going to hurt to leave, I know that, but I'm going to make it this time. If you could do it so can I!

[metrogirl]

Wow......that stings my heart reading that. I'm sorry you are going through this.

[lavenderdove]

I dated a guy once who was a real eye opener.

 

He was someone who eventually admitted he never loved anybody that much. But he wanted sex, companionship (when he was in the mood), and even married for the financial convenience, someone to keep house for him etc.

 

So people have lots of motivations for being in relationships. Some people are also takers and not givers, and will hang out in a relationship until the partner gets fed up with not getting much out of the relationship, then they just swap out that partner and find someone new, and repeat it again and again.

 

So he may be just one of those people, where he doesn't want a 'big' relationship, he just wants some of the goodies one gets from a relationship, and only when he's in the mood for them.

 

So it's not about love at all, it's about convenience, satisfying sexual needs, eetc.

[Blue Spiral]

I've heard it can be better than the alternative. I personally don't think that's the case.

[LazyDaisy]

I've heard it can be better than the alternative. I personally don't think that's the case.

 

I am not sure what you mean by this.

[LazyDaisy]

I guess people who are in relationships for love tend to think that is the reason everyone gets involved in relationships. But I'm learning that the details of the relationship and whats important to each can be so very different. I can't accept being with someone that does not have the same priorities as me. I tried and it doesn't work. Its weird, because we don't fight, we are very loving its just certain issues where we don't see eye to eye, but they are big issues and they are big enough for me to leave.

[Ms Darcy]

Are you going to get back with him in a few weeks/months?

[LazyDaisy]

Are you going to get back with him in a few weeks/months?

 

Hello Ms Darcy, I don't want to. I've never had this much trouble breaking up with someone in my life! Why is that? It used to be that if it wasn't working I would just break it off or be broken up with. Never have I gone back with someone I broke up with. But for some reason with this guy its different, we break up and then we make up. Maybe its because the basics are there, we have great conversation, great sex, we generally like eachother. Its just on some of the big issues we disagree. Maybe in all my other relationships the basics either just were not there or ran their course. This is the first time in my life I am trying to end things with someone and I don't completely want to.

[gratitude]

"It is amazing to me now - because I have now had around 2 years of being *basically* single and out of the relationship with the ex I refer to here - how much I did compromise myself and what is important to me in order to stay in the relationship with him.

It's especially amazing to me because I do basically consider myself a rather no-bs, strong, not afraid to say what I feel and think, person. It never did occur to me during that time so much that I could be the one conning my own self and cheating myself out of something more....for a man. The very thought totally appalled me too.

 

But the bottom line truth really is that you get what you are willing to put up with and settle for. So if you go back now - you know the deal. And you know you are worth more than that.

 

Whatever his reasons, he's told you pretty loud and clear there is a line where you are not allowed to cross. And that line is really where a lot of the important sharing and caring of a couple stuff happens! Been there.

 

I hope you feel better soon cause you seem like an awesome woman."

 

This post from itsallgrand really gets it... thank you.

I think that you've got to be super strong and get through the feelings of loneliness and "the devil you know" kind of mentality which makes people get back with these mediocre types of relationships (I mean committment wise and from a place of "feeling" loved, not just hearing words). It is especially hard the first few months after the breakup, but I think getting through this is really worth it. He's taken you for granted and made you feel guilty for actually wanting to be part of his real life and family.

I was in a 2 1/2 year relationship with a man who was charming, said and seemed as though he had some money, cared about his children and was single. A year in I found out he'd been living with a woman out of convenience: she paid tens of thousands of $ to his ex-wife for child support owed, she let him live with her and her son, she brought him around her family. Meanwhile he didn't even talk to his own kids or let them know where he lived and a whole bunch of other bad things. AND HE'D MADE ME FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM by the time I found out so even I pretended to be okay with his "easy life" with this woman who he told me he loved for all that she's done for him, but that he wasn't attracted and he'd be moving out soon, getting his own place so we could date. I gave him a total of 2 1/2 years of my life and finally had the courage to end the whole thing. I even called the woman he lived with and told her what had been going on. She thanked me for letting me know, but I think he is still living there, now 6 months after. Basically, she is a doormat and he is a user. Also, he is still on the internet looking for a new person to replace me as his sex and excitement girl. In short, women who allow bad or mediocre treatment from a guy open themselves up for even more bad behavior.

You don't want to be a doormat, no matter how low your self-esteem can feel at the time of a breakup. I've felt really sad post my breakup, wondering if I did the right thing. I've missed the parts of this man that I loved and I haven't been attracted to men I've dated since (I mean in that special way where I wanted to be with them), but I still think that ALL WOMEN and I guess men too, deserved to be loved and honored by their partner. Your guy was not fulfilling your normal and basic desires to be part of his life because of his own emotional disconnectedness which you can't repair.

Eventually, I hope for both of us, all of us, that we find people who really love and honor us. Until then (and really always) I hope you realize that even though it is hard, you're a better person for walking away and actually HAVING THE COURAGE TO KNOW THAT YOU WANT TO FEEL LOVED & YOU HAVE YOU HAVE SELF-LOVE, WHICH WILL LEAD YOU TO LOVE.

[Rainz]

There are elements to this I can relate to. Brings a close friend of mine to mind.

 

He's been with his partner for around 10 years now. From around 2 years in he has told me firmly, she is not the one, he will not start a family with her and he will not at all marry her.

He has remained in this relationship all these years, he's a part of her family, and vice versa, and one thing he has steadfastedly stuck to is that - she is not the one, there will be no starting a family and there will be no marriage.

 

I've talked to him about how his stance in the relationship could be making his partner feel, his take on it is that, he's been as honest with her , perhaps more honest than what he should have been. So basically, he sees it as, she knows the position, and she chooses to accept it. And that until whatever happens, happens, they're just "enjoying each others company".

 

I personally feel that as he lives with her under her roof, much of this is a comfortable and convenient situation for him. He told me he pays his way, he gets something out of it and she gets something out of it too.

 

Wouldn't or couldn't work for me personally, but it seems to be workable for them.

 

Just wanted to give you a little perspective from my friend point of view.