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I met with the ex


isabellagirl

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i met with the ex...

 

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i will try to make this brief as possible bear with me

 

i broke with my boyfriend after dating him for several months. he disappeared with no word and i had no idea what happened.

 

i recently sent him a happy birthday text and figured that well...maybe i needed some answers. maybe we could be friends. we sort of both threw out the friendship word in back and forth texting and i asked to meet up and he agreed

 

we met up at the library and sat inside in the cafe area. it was awkward but i think we were both happy to see one another. he gave me a huge hug that lasted forever. he kept touching my hand or shirt during the course of the hour. his body language was open and facing me. we joked around and teased one another like old times.

 

he suddenly threw his arms open and asked for a hug. we embraced and he stroked my hair. he then said "hey i have an idea. lets go to that museum outside of town" and i hesitated as i was trying to figure out what this all meant. then i said yes.

 

as he walked me to my car we started to part. and then we started saying goodbyes and i asked him "what happened?". he said that he felt that i had been distant the last few weeks that we were together and i was completely surprised. i told him that i felt he was distant too and that he was pulling away. i told him that i pulled away because i didnt want to get hurt

 

???????

 

i sent him a message a few days later asking him to take me to the museum.

and so far, no word.

 

do i wait it out? forget him? what?

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Right now you wait it out. You did your part in reaching out to him by reminding him of his museum idea. Now the ball is in his court. It is up to him to call you when he is ready. From the sounds of it, I am pretty confident that he will soon respond [within a few days, that is].

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its been a week. when i emailed him i asked him to go to the museum the following week and i havent heard anything.

 

i am wondering if he simply dropped out again

 

my friend told me to trust. trust. trust.

and at the same time to let go and not to put a time line on things.

 

but if you ask someone to do something the next week and they dont even respond yes or no....does that mean hes gone

 

or do men have their own timeline on things

 

maybe you guys are right to let hi digest

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my friend told me to trust. trust. trust.

and at the same time to let go and not to put a time line on things.

 

 

Your friend gave you good advice.

 

 

but if you ask someone to do something the next week and they dont even respond yes or no....does that mean hes gone

 

or do men have their own timeline on things

 

maybe you guys are right to let hi digest

 

Try not to think too much into what it means.

 

It is not that men have their own timeline because women will do the same thing during a breakup. The best thing for you to do is what your friend suggested: let go of him and don't put a timeline on things. If he comes back around, great; if he doesn't, you will be well on your way to moving on.

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so how do you trust and also let go at the same time??

 

i know now not to make any assumptions. his reasons for leaving were so NOT what i thought they would be.

 

so i cant assume anything at this point. any assumptions sort of cloud your view on things and can either make you negative or can make you have false hope.

 

it would be wrong to reach out again, right? that would kill it, right?

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The other major concern with going into things with assumptions is that is can cause you to lash out or act out if things don't go the way that you expect.

 

You can trust someone while letting them go. These two concepts aren't really related. Trust is about believing that he would not do anything intentionally malicious towards you. Letting him go is about letting him make his own decisions about what he wants, while you allow yourself to move on from him. Moving on does not mean giving up completely. It just means that you are looking out for yourself and seeing what else might be out there for you while leaving the door open for possibly working things out with him.

 

----

 

It would not be wrong for you to reach out to him again, it just would not be ideal. Reaching out again for the same thing you have reached out for before is a form of applying pressure, which is usually harmful in such situations. Give him some more time to come to you. If you don't hear from him at all for several weeks then you might consider reaching out again.

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yes its hard because i wonder if thats the last time we will see one another

 

but i am trying to trust trust trust trust

 

and i think yes you are right ...if i think about it he wouldnt do anything to intently hurt me. and i need to remember that he needs to make his decision in his own time and i cant control that. leave him to his own.

 

i would just think that if you found out that the reason that you broke up was that it was because you each thought the other was distant then wouldnt you want to get back together? was there another reason? oi...i am thinking too much.

 

i am going to try and trust that the meeting left him as startled as it did me. and that maybe we he needs time to think about things and decide how to proceed next. i have a feeling that hes done this a lot (meaning run away) so i worry that he is simply doing it again with me. but i know that if it was genuine and if a person is at that point in his life where he is ready then it will happen. i already know now that it was genuine. i can only hope that he is at that right place in his life. but i have no control over that and i have to just let it go.

 

i guess i should be happy that the meeting went for the most part pretty well. and even though i was very emotional towards the end and it may have freaked him out if he was thinking that my feelings were distant they obviously were so not.

 

my friend said that guys get scared too. especially if they like a woman. that if he thought you were distant then it was a good thing to show him that he did afffect you

 

i just dont want to get my hopes up. the waiting is really hard. i think i need to focus not on waiting but on letting go.

 

so how do you do that? let go? is there anyone out there who can tell me what i need to say to myself to make it easier?

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You should refrain. You aren't a couple. Today is a day for couples. Sending him something would be a form of pressure. Your current situation calls for avoiding all pretense of pressure.

 

And how awful would you feel if he did not respond, or if he did not respond positively?

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hey jb

thanx so much

i refrained and didnt do anything.

i felt at some point that i practically had to sit on my hands.

you are right.

 

sigh...i am trying to hard to let go. but finding it hard. i think the object right now is just to keep busy. it does help

 

 

there is someone else trying to get into the picture. actually there are 2.

but i only have eyes for the ex. and i know i am being stupid by not giving the others a chance.

 

i think maybe i should take the week to focus on the other possibilities. to just take it as it comes and not try to control or wish things to happen.

 

they are just casual dates but one of them has asked me if i think there is more potential. i think there is and honestly answered yes i think there is.

but i cant get the ex out of my head! i am sabotaging this. the new person i am dating seems to be really great and i sincerly enjoy his company. just that if he starts with the questions (which he kind of already has) i hope i dont run!!!!!!!!!! i tend to do that sometimes. but i do really like him so i want to give it a chance. i think i need to just empty out, feel zen, and then go out with him and just have a good time. i just hope he doesnt start again with the questions. i just want to relax and enjoy his company!!!

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i figured out how to deal with situation and thought maybe my new perspective could help someone else.

it came from some really good advice from a very good friend

 

she told me dont take the fact that he hasnt called as any indication that you did something wrong. he was warm and affectionate and was responding to being in your presence like old times. that means that he still feels something for you and was just responding to what feels good.

then he goes home afterwards and starts getting scared. actually the fact that he hasnt called you could indicate that he is terrified. and now he is processing

she told me that he needs to figure out where he is in life regardless of how you fit into

the picture. that he remet up with his ex and the feelings were still there and now he needs to think about what he is going to do.

she said that the worst thing a woman can do is to pressure the guy. she said leave him alone.

 

so just to all of the other posters....its really true when they say its not about you.

 

also, i do believe that you manifest what you believe/feel. you know how they say that people can pick up on things even from far away. maybe he felt my anxiety and thats why he hasnt called. i know....a bit crunchy granola but its true to some extent. i have friends who have a lot of warmth and love in life becuase thats what they excude. and then i have friends who mistrust and bring on more negativity around them. its a viscous cycle.

 

so i feel so relieved to know also a few things that came out of the meet up

*that it was genuine and not casual relationship

*that the affection is still there

* that he didnt and wouldnt do anything to maliciously harm me...

* that my own insecurity towards the relationship did affect it. need to work on that one

i admit

* that i conquered my fear of letting someone know that have an affect on me(control

issue)

* that he was nervous which meant that we did share something that affected him as

well

 

so all the other ena posters....be positive in your outlook. it will only help you bring in more love in your life (especially and hopefully the ex). it will either help you to move on

or it will help you when you see your ex again. and dont pressure them into a response. you can let them know how you feel and take a chance and put it out there but its up to them to respond. it has nothing to do with the feelings you shared but everything to do with where they are in life and you cant control that . they need to progress on their own.

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I just met up with my ex too. after 3 weeks of nc. same situation as yours.. he was warm and affectionate and it almost felt like a first date..

 

I suggested hanging out and he said yes. I guess the next step is to wait for him to call.

 

We can do this! stay calm and think positive

 

ps. I went on a date with another guy too. Nothing too serious. Gotta enjoy your single life now. Cause you won't get to when your ex wants back together..

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dear indenial

gee our lives seem quite parallel.

you broke up 3 weeks ago? did you mention any relationship talk when you hung out?

i hadnt seen my ex for months until our meet up. i guess time is relative.

 

yes we can do it.

positive thoughts for letting go and knowing that the the universe has good things in store.

also....believe that every day is a new day to get things right.

take it day by day.

also ....i wrote down all of the things that i am grateful for. and the list was

long. even though getting back together is number one on my list of wishes it made me realize that i was focusing so much worry and negative energy on my situation with the ex. like 90% or more!!! so when you sit back and realize all of the other things that you are grateful for it a) takes your mind of the ex

b) puts perspective on things 3) starts the positive train of thought which in turn attracts more positivity towards you.

try it!!!

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We didn't talk about our relationship at all. We joked around and talked about how our lives have been.. I did bring up a few inside jokes/memories that we shared.. i think i should stop doing that, it might've seemed a bit forced.

 

haha we actually met up in the library too. and after he left i stayed in the library cafe and he came back an hour later to "print some stuff" and sat next to me for about 15 mins or so..

 

Every day when i wake up I listen to my favorite song and get myself pumped up for the day. it helps me keep a positive attitude throughout the day. and when i'm walking to class i think about funny jokes in my head (poeple must think i'm crazy cause i keep smiling to myself) but i find that the act of smiling really does cheer you up!

 

i don't know.. it might've been too soon since we broke up? I don't know if i'm doing the right thing by breaking nc.. but we're still on good terms and I know if he thinks that i'm still hurt or if he still feels guilty about hurting me he will never consider reconciling. I want him to think that i've moved on and that i am fine without him.

 

i guess time will tell..

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i met up with my ex too, just recently, after a couple months of NC and then just messaging back and forth for a month or so. it seemed to go well- but now i realized i want more than just friendship.

 

in denial, since you are on good terms.. it seems silly to freeze your ex out.. at the same time you want to be true to your feelings towards your ex, and acting like you are fine when you are not is a tricky situation. ahhh.. so tough! i am thinking of trying to hang out again soon too. either way, we are going to be okay.

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well indenial you seem like a very very positive person and that bodes well for you and your future! attitude is everything.

 

i realize so much about myself now. that i have this habit of trying to control the situation...meaning that if i like someone i think of what i can do/or shouldnt do in order to get the outcome i want. and the other side of me tries to negate things and i tell myself that this isnt going to work out so brace yourself for the fall. so i trap myself between two different negative

modes of thought...and that just brings on more negativity. i finally get it!!! light bulb goes on here.

 

i just hope that i get to work things thru more with my ex. but i feel so relieved somehow that i realize that he wouldnt do anything to malisciously hurt me. i dont know why thats a relief...to know it was not intentional that he hurt me. i know there was so much in those hugs. i can only hope that it was there for him too. i hope he is at the point in his life to work these things thru on his own. trust trust trust.

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hey indenial

thats so wonderful!!! all of these people on these boards are getting back together with their ex. i couldnt be happier for you.

 

i havent heard from mine and its been a few weeks. i am sad and dont know how to move on. i dont know how to muster up the energy to get back out there.

 

i keep trying to remember what my friend told me about exploring other options but that with regards to the ex to just trust trust trust.

trust that he was happy affectionate warm and loving when he saw you but that i need to just let him be right now in order to have mull things over.

 

part of me wants to get in contact again but my friend said that would be pressure and it would kill it.

 

he knows where to find me if should so choose.

 

i just wish i could hit a temporary delete button in my brain. because its hard to move forward with someone new when you have jack*** on the brain

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I know how you feel.. I was so unsure before he told me he wants to get back together. I'm glad I gave him space though, because if i kept on begging I'm sure he wouldn't have realized on his own that he wouldn't ever stop loving me and that he wants to be with me.

 

So just give him some time and in the mean time go out and have fun!

 

when he came over he saw some chocolates that i got for valentines and he was slightly jealous haha..

 

Good luck and be strong!

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so in your opinion indenial...what is a good length of time to give him?

some of my friends say thats it, hes done, you should move on

while i have others saying give it more time.

 

i guess you cant put a time line on things

let him be

 

and in the meanwhile i need to muster up the strength and get out there again

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