He said he is going to kill himself... but there's a problem

[deecbee]

This isn't exactly about getting together, it SHOULD be in the breaking up forum, but I already have a thread on there.

 

Okay, I'll make it brief. I am ending a very long, tumultuous relationship with my boyfriend of 3 yrs/best friend of 10. We have gone back and forth so many times, and now that we are in a long-distance relationship, it has gotten worse. He has been emotionally distant, secretive, less than honest... and on top of that, he can be downright emotionally abusive. I decided that for my own mental health, I need to end this relationship FOR GOOD. Not just "for a while" like those other times.

 

We haven't had a real conversation for almost 2 weeks now. I deleted my email account and facebook about a week ago and I told him this was it. I have been writing in my NC journal, reading books on moving on, and have been doing my best to claim back my life and self-respect.

Well, this morning I get this text from him. He said it would be his final message, that he lost his job and will soon lose his apartment, and he didn't get into any of the grad schools he applied to. He said he was writing not because I care, because he thinks I don't, but so I would have closure. He said there was no point in responding because he was leaving his phone behind.

 

The problem is this: Almost EVERY TIME in the past where he saw I was serious about moving on, "something" urgent would happen to derail me from my progress of moving on. This is not the first time he has threatened suicide. I even thought to myself last night, "omg, watch, I'm gonna finally accept that we're through and something will happen with him." And it did.

 

The only difference this time is that he lost his job and didn't get into any schools (although I remember him saying he had another interview later this month, so I'm not sure that's completely true). I don't know what to do/say. I know you are ALWAYS supposed to take these threats seriously, but the timing is so... predictable. And even worse, I'm not sure I believe him. I know it is an awful thing to say, but he has done this before when I tried to move on. Maybe he just wants me to call, beg, cry, tell him I love him like all those other times. I'm scared that if I take him under my wing again, I'll get sucked right back in to the same thing.

 

Obviously, there are other options for him. He is not the only person in the world to have lost his job. Hell, almost everyone these days is. He works in the healthcare field, which is one of the only growing fields. He almost certainly got a severance check and can get unemployment until he finds another job.

 

Any advice?

[deecbee]

I was going to post the text verbatim, but decided not to since that would be tacky. Rest assured, that is what he is trying to say.

[JBaker]

What you absolutely need to do right now is call someone that is close to him and inform them of this threat to himself. Can you call his family (preferable)? Close friends?

 

Tell them what is going on and discuss with them some things that can be done to help him.

 

Do not get back together with this man - especially in this state. It will only reinforce this behavior. If you do something about it that involves others, it will 1) open up other avenues of support for him, 2) place the responsibility of his well being away from you, 3) show him that this behavior will not work, and 4) Stop him from doing anything rash and stupid.

[deecbee]

What you absolutely need to do right now is call someone that is close to him and inform them of this threat to himself. Can you call his family (preferable)? Close friends?

 

Tell them what is going on and discuss with them some things that can be done to help him.

 

Do not get back together with this man - especially in this state. It will only reinforce this behavior. If you do something about it that involves others, it will 1) open up other avenues of support for him, 2) place the responsibility of his well being away from you, 3) show him that this behavior will not work, and 4) Stop him from doing anything rash and stupid.

 

 

I don't know his family very well... I mean, I've met them before, but he isn't close with them at all. I know his brother has a facebook. Should I just send a message to him to check on his brother?

[absinthe]

Always take suicide threats seriously. Dial 911 and report his email to you. You don't want to have misjudged how serious this might be.

 

Reporting a potential suicide scenario does one of two things. If he's pulling something on you, he will know that you will report it as something serious, hence a future dissuader if he doesn't want paramedics and cops around his home. If he's serious about suicide, he will be put on watch, so you might be saving his life.

[JBaker]

If you have a phone number it would be better. But facebook works, I suppose. Does he have any close friends? If he is not close with his family then you should aim for his close friends.

 

If none of those options are viable, then you might have to call him. Just be sure to tell him that you cannot be with him anymore.

[deecbee]

What you absolutely need to do right now is call someone that is close to him and inform them of this threat to himself. Can you call his family (preferable)? Close friends?

 

Tell them what is going on and discuss with them some things that can be done to help him.

 

Do not get back together with this man - especially in this state. It will only reinforce this behavior. If you do something about it that involves others, it will 1) open up other avenues of support for him, 2) place the responsibility of his well being away from you, 3) show him that this behavior will not work, and 4) Stop him from doing anything rash and stupid.

 

 

I don't know his family very well... I mean, I've met them before, but he isn't close with them at all. I know his brother has a facebook. Should I just send a message to him to check on his brother?

[JBaker]

Always take suicide threats seriously. Dial 911 and report his email to you. You don't want to have misjudged how serious this might be.

 

Reporting a potential suicide scenario does one of two things. If he's pulling something on you, he will know that you will report it as something serious, hence a future dissuader if he doesn't want paramedics and cops around his home. If he's serious about suicide, he will be put on watch, so you might be saving his life.

 

I thought about this route as well. I suggest it be used after you have spoken with someone who is close to him. If there is no one close, or if they aren't going to do anything about it, then you should have him put on suicide watch.

[deecbee]

If you have a phone number it would be better. But facebook works, I suppose. Does he have any close friends? If he is not close with his family then you should aim for his close friends.

 

If none of those options are viable, then you might have to call him. Just be sure to tell him that you cannot be with him anymore.

 

Close friends... I know of one, but again, I only know his Facebook, not his number. He has many, many acquaintances, but few solid friends. Now that I think about it, he doesn't have a very strong support system. I was pretty much it. Probably another reason he is acting out right now. I did send him a text telling him that I didn't want to embarrass him, but that I would have no choice but to contact his family or the police. I also told him to rethink his decision, there are other options. I tried to keep it as direct as possible, and didn't leave any loopholes.

[absinthe]

I thought about this route as well. I suggest it be used after you have spoken with someone who is close to him. If there is no one close, or if they aren't going to do anything about it, then you should have him put on suicide watch.

Better to be safe than sorry. Putting the responsibility on someone else, who's neither professionally qualified or emotionally capable, is harsh.

 

The other possibility is to call some form of suicide prevention hotline and let them handle it, letting them know that you're not going to get involved. They might just tell you to call 911, if they're unwilling to shoulder the responsibility.

 

Anyone who threatens suicide, whether they're seriously contemplating it or not, is not in an emotionally balanced state of mind.

[deecbee]

Crap. I had long ago removed him from my facebook friend list, so I can't access his brother or father's page. And there are over 500 people with their names. I guess I have no choice but to go to the police?

[vertigoxo]

Your ex is trying to control you, OP. By threatening suicide, you will HAVE to talk to him and HAVE to take him back. It's all mind control... And it's not love.

 

You don't deserve the abuse. Call the cops and be done with it. He needs serious help.

[deecbee]

This makes me so angry. I was going to have a good weekend. I was going to have fun, forget about him, move on with my healing process. He had to make sure that was spoiled. I wish I didn't have such a big heart sometimes. I'll be paralyzed with fear now, until I know. For all I know, he could be kicking back, laughing, happy that he has my attention and knows I'm worried.

[deecbee]

Your ex is trying to control you, OP. By threatening suicide, you will HAVE to talk to him and HAVE to take him back. It's all mind control... And it's not love.

 

You don't deserve the abuse. Call the cops and be done with it. He needs serious help.

 

Exactly. I am so sick of this. Enough. I am going to go call the cops right now. If this is all for attention, hopefully the 3 cop cars and 2 firetrucks that appear at his door will make him think TWICE before pulling a stunt like this.

[vertigoxo]

Exactly. I am so sick of this. Enough. I am going to go call the cops right now. If this is all for attention, hopefully the 3 cop cars and 2 firetrucks that appear at his door will make him think TWICE before pulling a stunt like this.

 

It will, hon. My ex did this when we were together... Always chanting about if I ever left him, he'll kill himself. I mean, does that scream "I love you and care about you and even if you decide to leave, I'll be heartbroken but as long as you're happy, I'll be happy too."?

 

Abuse does not equal love no matter how you slice it. The minute someone punches you, calls you names, and makes you cry uncontrollably and make you afraid of him... It's not worth it anymore. Love shouldn't hurt that much.

[deecbee]

Wow, I called a suicide prevention line and I don't think they could have been any less helpful. I told them what the problem was and they said, "Well, give him our number and have him call us." Yea, like anyone would ever do that! I asked if they could call him... she said no. I asked if the police would get involved, she said the police don't respond to things like this. * * * ??

[absinthe]

link removed

 

The above is a link to a National Suicide Prevention site with a hotline. While the site isn't governmental, it's funded by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

[deecbee]

I know where he is headed... he always goes to Mexico when he is depressed. I wonder if I could call border patrol and have them look out for him?

[deecbee]

link removed

 

The above is a link to a National Suicide Prevention site with a hotline. While the site isn't governmental, it's funded by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

 

That is the number I called. They just told me to tell him to call them. Thank you for the link, though.

[absinthe]

Wow, I called a suicide prevention line and I don't think they could have been any less helpful. I told them what the problem was and they said, "Well, give him our number and have him call us." Yea, like anyone would ever do that! I asked if they could call him... she said no. I asked if the police would get involved, she said the police don't respond to things like this. * * * ??

 

That is the number I called. They just told me to tell him to call them. Thank you for the link, though.

I just noticed your post, after posting the link.

 

Just call the cops and give them your ex's name, address and phone number. Forget the border patrol thing.

[deecbee]

I just noticed your post, after posting the link.

 

Just call the cops and give them your ex's name, address and phone number. Forget the border patrol thing.

 

I will do that. I also found his brother and best friend on FB and left them messages. Thanks for all the suggestions.

[absinthe]

You're welcome. It's pretty messed up when someone puts this kind of onus on someone they purport to love. This isn't love, it's either a massive guilt trip or someone crying out for professional help.

[deecbee]

Well, I talked to his best male friend. He said that he hasn't heard from him in a few months, and that he doesn't return his calls anymore.

 

I checked my email (which I rarely check) and also found an email he sent last night saying the same thing.

 

Surely, someone who was 100% serious about this would at least let his own mother know, right? I'm the only person who has a clue about this. I would rather know that this was all for attention so I can go on with my life.

[SnowFox]

If you have his address, look up the local police precinct that is near him. Call them and explain that he has made a suicide threat and you told him if you don't hear back from him, you would call the police. They will decide if they can do a welfare check on him. (they may have certain criteria that needs to be met in order to a welfare check- I am not sure what those might be).

 

Then, you will have done everything you can and his actions are his responsibility. It is not your responsibility to keep him alive. And he also needs to learn that making suicide threats means that people will take him seriously and act accordingly rather than allow themselves to be emotionally manipulated by them.