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A very long conversation with the ex and where I am at today


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I am 2.5 months in from when we parted ways. We work together and over this time have been trying to find a place of normalcy at work. We got there and it almost feels like it was before we even entered into a relationship outside of work. Makes work go easier. For a while it was also frustrating because it took me back to a place where I wanted the next step, repeating the path we took previously. This is not possible. The past is the past and this is a new path with no expectations of it leading anywhere or just stays on this road indefinitely.

 

Three nights ago at towards the end of the day, we were in two different offices and I needed a work questioned answered. I called him on his cell. He was already on his way home when he called me back. Got my question answered, talked about work stuff for another 30 minutes and then I diligently attempted to end the conversation. He continued it (this happens all the time and makes me nuts because I end up paying the price for it later). He has a long ride home and kept me on the phone for another hour until he got home. Because things were in a good place and we were talking and laughing, I asked him if I could ask him a question. He said "sure." I asked him if he ever knew why he was mad at me - well then things turned ugly fast. Very ugly.

 

Without rehashing the nitty gritty details......I got angry back. I told him that I no longer cared and that I was done. It wasn't right that I never got an explanation and that while I had figured a number of things out on my own and through tidbits of smaller conversations we had, that was the one innocent question that I had left. I told him that his response was immature. After everything that we had been through together that he was being selfish and cold. I told him that I was about at the point that unless we were conversing about work, I couldn't even look at him without feeling disgust for his lack of respect for who we were and the care we shared previous to the very short relationship we had (6 months with 2 breakups). He didn't like this at all and started talking. Albeit angry, frustrated and mean, he wanted to understand.

 

He wanted to know what I had concluded. I shared and asked if I was at all accurate - and he said I was. The funny thing is he said that he had told me this all throughout the relationship but I wasn't listening. I told him that while HE thought that he was crystal clear - I wasn't receiving the message thus my repeat of that that was making him frustrated in the relationship. What we learned through the conversation was that we had an honest communication breakdown and had been talking past each other for the last 3 months and the frustration of that message never being understood built up to the point where it caused us to part ways.

 

I made it clear that I wasn't asking for him back. I told him that I didn't want to enter into a relationship with him like that again.....too much trust had been broken, sacrificed, and/or lost. He was very kind, soft and said he understood. He started talking about ways that we could solve for what had happened between us and believe it or not, I started feeling anxiety. I was in a better place and didn't want to jump in with both feet. Don't get me wrong.....I miss him. I miss us. I wish we could have figured it out. However even with the mis-communication, there are bigger underlying issues that caused the communication breakdown. He has to work on himself just as I have been doing for myself.

 

He told me that we should get together for events. This typically means a setting where we hang out with his friends. I cringed and told him that while I liked his friends and he knows that is true, with where we are at, I wasn't interested in that. They were not my friends. I told him that in the past 3 months we had stopped spending quality time and only hung out with his friends. In order to move past the hurt that has been exchanged, I suggested spending quality time doing something together without his friends being present was what I was willing to participate in. I gave him an example of a time we spent together and asked him if he remembered it - his answer was, "that was one of the greatest days ever." I told him we needed more of that to grow and build a foundation of trust. I also made it clear that while sex was great and never an issue (and I miss it terribly) it was not an option at this point because it plays with your head and emotions.

 

The conversation in total was 2.5 hours long. At one point his phone died and for the past 6 months, whenever this happens, the conversation ends and we don't talk again until the next time..... I was in shock when 5 minutes after that happened, that he was calling me back. I had already made a call to someone else when he rang in on call waiting. I answered. He said he was digging for the charger to continue the conversation and it died while he was trying to find it. He had to wait for it to charge up enough to call me back. He has never ever done this. Weird.

 

The way the conversation came to an end......I told him that I don't know what any of this meant or where it takes us but at least we had a basic understanding of where we each went wrong and could now move past it with clearer minds. I told him that I didn't want him to view this conversation as any way of my manipulating him into a reconciliation. I told him he could just sit with it. I also told him that if he was interested in spending any time together, he needed to be the one to initiate it. It had to come from a place of his desire to spend that kind of time together - not my convincing him to or my asking him to and him feeling guilted into it. He understood.

 

I thanked him for taking the difficult journey to the conversation and staying committed to it until the end. I was proud of myself of sticking to my guns and not agreeing to or accepting anything he said that I was not comfortable with in a way of compromising my feelings or needs for his benefit. I told him that I had to go as I had arrived at the restaurant to have dinner with a girlfriend and for him to take care...

 

A lot of people would say that I should have never had this conversation. Maybe that is true. But I have no regrets. I moved on past the point of focusing on reconciling and truly want to heal. I feel that I can now close the chapter on our relationship. I can honestly say that unless he works on some things for himself, I don't want him back. I also can say that I don't know that I would take him back even if he did. Only time, his actions, and where I am at, if and when that time comes, will tell. It has been NC since that time and he has been doing little things through work email that show me his care and concern for me again that was lost for a long time. Quite honestly, I recognize it but it doesn't mean anything to me. I don't see them as crumbs that I am hanging on to and looking for hope within. I care for him. I love him. But I cannot put myself in a position to compromise myself the way I had previously. I have grown from this experience and for that I am thankful.

 

We will see what the future brings.....if anything at all. Thanks for listening. Just needed to put it out there......

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Blossom, thank you for asking.

 

I felt a few things........The first thing I felt when I put the phone down is "what just happened?" To have him start talking about how we could have done things to be more successful was confusing and actually caused some anxiety within me. I want to be ever so careful not to commit the sins of the past and not end up in the same place. Funny thing is that I know have the desire to take things extremely slow if we were to try again and I felt comfortable agreeing to that. I never want to feel the way I felt through this break up again. Period.

 

It felt great to have us get to a place in the conversation where we got past the "ugly" and got to a place where we were actually exchanging again. It wasn't him declaring his statements without regard to mine (being dismissive). He actually agreed with many points that I made and realizations that I shared.

 

I got the impression that he was starting to realize that perhaps this was nothing more than a communication breakdown. Now, I know that while that was the demise, there are still other issues that are underlying where that was the symptom. On both sides. I want to work on mine. I know that it could have been anyone that I dated to realize some of the things that I still had left over from my previous 15 year relationship that I had not realized nor addressed. I am doing that now. I need him to be honest with himself and work to resolve his issues. He first has to recognize that they exist and then he has to be motivated to do something about it. Whether or not he ends up with me or someone else. I hope he does this for himself - outside of my desire to be with him.

 

The next day, feelings were surprising to me. Thoughts of, don't know that if he worked on these things that I would want him back. I learned things about him that I don't know that I liked. The rose colored glasses were off. In fact, he was doing things (small) that were different yet caring and I had a twinge of regret that perhaps I might be misleading him. But I know that my emotions have been all over the place so I just let the thoughts/feelings go and promised myself to take it one day at a time. Again, it isn't that I don't love him or miss him. I do. And there is part of me that wishes we were together or could have worked this out. I guess the thought that he was all too willing to throw the baby out with the bathwater vs. communicating and trying to figure out what was poisoning our relationship makes me think that he will just cut and run too quickly and I will end up hurt all over again. Perhaps I am just scared.

 

So to sum it all up - I guess I could say, glad we had the conversation, I can close that chapter. Overall, confused. Does that make sense?

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