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I think I'm in love with a good friend of my girlfriend...


spriteh

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I posted a thread on here awhile back concerning my possible love for my girlfriend's good friend. The thing is, at that point I was pretty unsure if I actually loved her. But the more I'm with her and the more I'm with my gf, things become more certain. I notice my feelings for my girlfriend fading, and I enjoy spending (romantic) time with her considerably less. Her friend (who I've actually known for longer than my girlfriend) however, is becoming more and more interesting to me as time passes. Every time I talk to her, things seem so perfect. Each new second I spend with her makes me more and more certain that shes the one I'm meant to be with. I'm fairly certain that she's interested in me, too.

 

But of course there's an issue. I still admire and respect my current girlfriend, and I would love to remain friends with her. She is slightly emotionally unstable and the breakup would really hurt her. I was once talking about our future together. I told her that no matter what, I don't want her to worry about hurting me if she feels like the relationship isn't working out. I said this because she seems to still have feelings for some former loves, and I hated the thought of our commitment ruining her true feelings. At this point I was still in love with her, but I worry about her so much that I felt it was the right thing to tell her this. However, just the entirely hypothetical thought of breaking up with me reduced her to tears. I can't imagine what it would be like if we actually split.

 

Then there's but another issue; she's good friends with the girl I love. I see them both frequently (together) and enjoy spending time with both of them at once. I couldn't stand it if my choices did too much to hurt their friendship or the good times we have together.

 

I really don't have any idea how to approach the situation. I don't know who to talk to first, or what to say. I don't know how I can possibly make the situation okay between them and ensure that there is no bitterness towards myself or either girl. It seems impossible. I assume I should wait awhile after the breakup, not an immediate switch (which would make it obvious that I left my gf for her friend). I know the situation will not be perfect and there's no way to make sure of everything I've stated. But if anybody has any information on how to approach the situation or answers to any of my questions, I would love (and truly need) the help. Thanks so much and I'm really dying to get some good advice.

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I envy you not this situation. It's truly brutal.

 

But I have to tell you as a woman, even if I was secretly holding a torch for my good friend's boyfriend (that is to say, if I were the woman you're in love with), I would not go out with you after you dumped your gf. I am putting myself mentally in her position now, and as a loyal friend, I could not do that -- especially knowing my friend is "slightly emotionally unstable". I think I would feel ambivalent and torn, if I really liked you, but I would choose my friendship over starting up something with you. It's too close for comfort. It would make me feel like a total opportunist.

 

But if your feelings for your girlfriend are dying out, perhaps this is a sign to you that this isn't the right relationship for you. I think when you're with someone you really want to be with, even tempting and exciting other members of the opposite sex won't start to look appealing to this extent. I sense from your post that you were never really as in love with your gf as she is with you. The way you mention that you'd have no hard feelings if the relationship didn't work out sounds almost like it was rather off to a strange and noncommital start...that you would not want your commitment to eachother to stand in the way of "her true feelings" for her past loves indicates to me you were only tentatively engaged with her, with a bit of willingness to detach; and now, ironically, you are taking the liberty you gave her, to follow your heart and "true feelings." I don't think they were strong for her to begin with, and even though you shouldn't pursue her friend, you should find a way to get out of this quasi love relationship you are now in.

 

I don't think there is any turning back to "re-"fall in love with your gf, now that you feel this way. And just sticking with the status quo by being her bf would serve no one, either.

 

People shouldn't be together as a remedy for the pain of having to part.

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Dako I understand what you're saying, but if I feel like I don't love my gf anymore, it will only hurt us more if we stay together. If her friend rejects me, so be it. Its better than living in a fake relationship. Vamp, I noticed you mentioned this and it makes a lot of sense to me. However, when I said the comment about our future it was early in the relationship and i was very much in love with her and wanted nothing else. I just worry about things like that. I appreciate your replies but im looking for ways to approach the situation because my heart is aching and i know i need to do this no matter what the cost might be for me. Im considering confiding everything im feeling in the friend, letting her know that it makes me uneasy that shes friends with my gf. Depending on how she reacts ill decide whats best. Does this idea have any intelligence to it? Thank you so much for just replying because it means so much to me just to hear some insight. I await more help, and thanks again so far.

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And what would be your aim in telling the friend of your feelings? To simply relieve your pent-up feelings? To gauge if she would be willing to make a go of it with you? It certainly won't make her less close to your gf, if you tell her it makes you uncomfortable. Okay -- so it makes you uncomfortable, and you want to express this to her, but how will that change the situation?

 

Do you somehow hope this will impel her to distance herself from her friend (your gf)?

 

See, I believe in honesty and speaking candidly, but only when I know what the goal is. And if your reasoning here is just to get this information off your chest, it can only cause damage (the friend is likely to tell your gf at some point, and this could blow up seriously in your face, whether you have broken up with her or not.)

 

I'm glad you see that you should end your relationship with your gf. But I don't think that it's wise to try to make a play for her friend -- it's just too much heartache for three people, and it will be all three of you once you spill these beans.

 

I know this girl feels like you're "meant to be", but looking back on the men I fell in love with, I thought I was "meant to be" with each of them when I was in love. Nothing was unique about the feeling each time (even if the men were all unique). (And in your case, the lure of what you can't have right now might actually be adding to it.) There are other girls in the world, this is not the one and only woman who was destined by the Oracle for you. The messiness of this situation is probably "divine Providence" pointing you the other way, if you want to start talking about fate and "meant to be's".

 

If it were me, I'd just keep my feelings to myself, break up with the gf, and soon, you'll be seeing less of her friend which will eventually fade your feelings for her, too. I don't know what your age is, but I suspect you are young and have a lot of road ahead of you.

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Thanks vampires, everything you said sat well with me. But I think you might have something wrong (my fault for not clarifying). My girlfriend is not actually that likely to hold any hard feelings for her friend even if her friend dates me not too long after a break up. You seem to think that she will be angry, and force her friend to "distance herself" from my current girlfriend. This may not be so. The two have known each other for very long and have a lot of mutual respect. My girlfriend is likely respectful enough to refrain from ruining a good relationship. She is also likely to continue her friendship. I only wish I knew how likely. That is exactly why im having such difficulty deciding what to do. Im not completely sure how shell react. My girlfriend told me early in the relationship that she believed that her friend had been interested in me before she herself was. This would make her less likely to feel like i was being "stolen". But im not sure how this and other things would affect her. To be honest im not sure if i can be helped any further but If you (or anyone else) have any more help to offer id be glad to accept it. I strongly appreciate your help so far.

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Tip: if they have so much mutual respect, your gf's friend will tell you to take a long hike.

 

Seriously, ditch your gf in a respectful manner and then maybe in a year or two, try to reconnect with this friend and see if anything happens.

 

 

I think it's interesting that you say your gf is too respectful to ruin a good relationship (which I assume is referring to her and her friend) while you think you'll suffer no consequences for doing exactly that.

 

I'm unclear as to why you need to set things up with this girl before you make the leap? Are you going to stay with your gf if you get shot down?

 

 

Mostly I think you just need someone to have feelings for to justify the lack of feeling for your gf.

 

First thing you do: Break up with your gf. She's your girlfriend and to do anything else would be a b@st@rds move.

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I feel like I don't love my gf anymore, it will only hurt us more if we stay together.

im looking for ways to approach the situation.

Best way to approach this is to break up with your girlfriend - if you have any respect for her, then this is what you would/should do. You say you don't love her anymore, so there's no reason not to break up. Do the right thing and do it now.

 

Also, You seem so sure that she'll remain friends with her best friend ..... Don't believe that for one minute. If they have that much respect for each other her friend wouldn't go near you, but if she does, trust me, their friendship would be over for life.

 

Maybe it's best you break up and stay single for a year or and then take it from there. Right now you're heading for disaster if you proceed with your plans, (imo).

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This is a very emotionally devastating situation for your girlfriend. Don't sugar coat that to make yourself feel good about what you want to do. Her boyfriend is secretly lusting after her best friend (who may or may not be lusting back), so the people closest to her are about to throw her over in order to pursue their own happiness. Betrayal doesn't get much worse than that.

 

What you need to do right now is sit your girlfriend down and break up with her. Tell her as much of the truth as you can without kicking her when she's down. Tell her you don't have the same feelings for her anymore, and in fact are finding yourself attracted to other people (don't say who) and therefore just can't be her boyfriend anymore.

 

Then make a clean break for a while. I think there is no way you should talk to her friend first, because that is about trying to sew things up for yourself, rather than helping the girlfriend who is about to be deeply wounded. Leave her her best friend there to help her get thru the breakup, and stay away from the both of them for a while.

 

Regarding taking up with the friend, I certainly wouldn't do it right away, and would definitely not try to hang out with the 2 of them after the breakup. It will never be the same between you, and you have to acknowledge that. And expecting her to be your friend while you dump her and take up with her best friend is really over the top... That is a fantasy that will never happen for you, i'm sorry. You'll be lucky if the two of them talk to you after this.

 

And regarding 'loving' her best friend, you are just infatuated with her at this point, because you're not even dating her. You need to step back, get a grip, let your girlfriend recover from the breakup and MAYBE then you might try to talk to the friend about dating, but only if the friend thinks it will be fine with her friend. Perhaps if your girlfriend finds a new boyfriend, then you could make the move to try to date her friend.

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You're mixing feelings for two people together into one problem, and that's the perfect way to hang yourself. Separate these into two problems and handle each at face value. You don't love GF any more, and that's the only focus you need to break up with her, go off and grieve the end of that relationship, and THEN concern yourself with who to date next.

 

Your conflict is about trying to play trapeze artist between two girls with no disruption or inconvenience for you or anyone else. That's delusional. Focus on your current business, close that, and THEN deal with where you'll go next, and how.

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Break up with your girlfriend, but for god's sake leave her friend alone. Go NC, move on, find someone whose not dating your future ex girlfriend. This is not worth it for anyone and is nothing short of selfish on your part. Friends of girlfriends are off limits. Leave these two girls their friendship, your ex will need her support after the break up.

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Break up with your girlfriend. In a year, if you still feel the same way and she is available, maybe you can approach the other friend. You need time between these 2. You're already going to break your gf's heart. It will crush her if you try something with her best friend. Her bf will not go for you at this point. Don't bother.

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My only problem with all of this is that I don't know how long I can go on without getting this off of my chest. What if I told the friend that I was interested in her, but also indicated that it's not an option for us to be in a relationship after I break up. I would tell her that if It is going to happen, we'll have to wait until things are cool between the three of us and we know that it won't cause problems. Would this make any difference at all?

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My only problem with all of this is that I don't know how long I can go on without getting this off of my chest. What if I told the friend that I was interested in her, but also indicated that it's not an option for us to be in a relationship after I break up. I would tell her that if It is going to happen, we'll have to wait until things are cool between the three of us and we know that it won't cause problems. Would this make any difference at all?

 

You don't have cancer. You have feelings for someone who is the best friend of your current gf. It's pretty clear that at least waiting a while before making any declarations will help mitigate the pain, yet you insist on declaring that. In a word, it's selfish. You put your own feelings above the feelings of others when you already start out breaking people's hearts.

 

I think most of us reading this can put ourselves in your gf's shoes and the words we might have for what you want to do are not kind.

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