HowTo Posted February 13, 2010 Share Posted February 13, 2010 Hi guys.. I just need to vent and hopefully get some good advice. I dated my gf for 3 years before she broke up with me... we were separated for a year but she came back and I decided to give it another shot. We've been back together since September. Lately I have been feeling skeptical about our relationship... I keep thinking that we aren't compatible and I keep trying to rationalize that by concentrating and focusing my thoughts on things we don't see eye-to-eye on. I used this website when we broke up the first time and I needed support and I haven't felt the need to return.. until now.. which worries me. When she broke up with me, I had to find a completely new group of friends and I feel like I'm holding back from the relationship almost because I don't want to go through that cycle again.. I have mutual friends with her but there is another set that I try to keep to myself almost... keep in mind that this is only just one example of how I feel this isn't working. I don't get along fantastically with her parents, I think we all just put on a show when we're around each other just for politeness sake. We have different senses of humor so to speak.. when we're out with my family and my siblings' significant others everyone jokes around but she sits there silently... Completely different sex drives.. I'm much more sexual than she is to the point that I find it frustrating...We haven't really been intimate in awhile which is probably adding to the stress... When we talked about getting back together she said she had changed, etc. and she may have but it feels like the same thing...Shes such a nice person and I can't imagine what breaking up with her would do to her and I keep dwelling on that and telling myself I shouldn't even think about it. What if I'm wrong about everything, ya know? Maybe its me and I'm just whiny or something Anyways thx for letting me vent. Link to comment
Speranza Posted February 13, 2010 Share Posted February 13, 2010 You have a lot of reasons not to stay... I don't know how old you are, but just imagine 20 years of this. How does that feel? I sympathise with your feelings of not wanting to hurt her - this used to paralyse me too, until one day I realised that when adults have a relationship they both know there is a risk it may not work out, and it was a bit patronising of me to think I had to 'protect' the other person. I'm not so wonderful that losing me would end someone's life! In any case, how much more would a divorce 20 years down the line hurt her? And you. I don't know why your considerations are all about how it will be for her - perhaps you have a certain opinion of yourself which 'being the Bad Guy' doesn't fit in with. It's not that complicated. Just follow your heart, do what YOU want. You have given it a lot of thought and it's still not working. I once finished with someone and was amazed (and relieved) to see that he was actually relieved! LOL You really don't have much choice unless you want to live a lie, and that's hardly looking out for her feelings, is it... Link to comment
HowTo Posted February 13, 2010 Author Share Posted February 13, 2010 We're both 24. Imagine 20 years of this? I wouldn't be a fan of that. Its like I have a heavy weight on my shoulders sometimes. I usually feel great when I'm with her but when I let my thoughts run.. something just seems out of place. Shes my first girlfriend.. we've basically been dating through all of University and then some.. and before that we've known each other since we were 14. Her being my first.. I've never had to initiate a breakup before. How do I know I'm past the point of no return and I'm just lying to myself? How do I know when its too late to fix things? Is it worth it to bring this up with her and let her know there are serious problems with the relationship as it is now and see what comes of that? Argh.......... Link to comment
JackAfrica Posted February 13, 2010 Share Posted February 13, 2010 Excellent post . Spot on. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 13, 2010 Share Posted February 13, 2010 I am a big fan of being there while you are there. Since you are there in a relationship with her, why not lay it all out in a conversation with her. Tell her your concerns. She might have some comments for you as well. Relationships are about growth and let her know where you would like to grow together. If she's not on the same page, then you have more of a clue as to what should happen. Link to comment
JackAfrica Posted February 13, 2010 Share Posted February 13, 2010 How do I know I'm past the point of no return and I'm just lying to myself? How do I know when its too late to fix things? Good question. When to eject ? When you are more dissatisfied with her than satisfied. Anyway what are you thinking ? Being in an LTR at age 24 is crazy. Go out and sow some oats. Link to comment
HowTo Posted February 13, 2010 Author Share Posted February 13, 2010 Well we WERE supposed to hang out today but she cancelled on me to run chores and watch the Olympics... ha ha ha... guess it'll have to wait for another day. @ JackAfrica: Haha.. I'm a LTR kind of guy thanks for the input everyone.. I think I know what I need to do. What do I say to her though? I can't bring up every little thing that I find "unsatisfactory" obviously. Do I just tell her the relationship in its current state isn't working for me? Ask her what she thinks? Link to comment
Maya_A Posted February 13, 2010 Share Posted February 13, 2010 What do I say to her though? I can't bring up every little thing that I find "unsatisfactory" obviously. Do I just tell her the relationship in its current state isn't working for me? Ask her what she thinks? Start by telling her very positive things. The things you love about her & that you like within the relationship. Tell her that there are many good things & that the other things you are going to mention are not criticisms by any means. Rather, "it is me sharing with you, some of my thoughts so we can look at them and work through them together, because I care so much about you". Tell her you are very open to her honest thoughts, also... Important is to keep it all positive in energy, even if she becomes upset or defensive.... In terms of content, tell her exactly what you have said on here in terms of what has been occupying your thoughts. Give her the details in all what you have been pondering on... What you said on here gives a good indication of where you are at, & does not sound like you are brininging up a million things at once... Ask for her feedback.... The conversation should flow accordingly from there. Link to comment
HowTo Posted February 13, 2010 Author Share Posted February 13, 2010 Thanks.. just had a conversation on the phone with her if you can call it that.. it seems like we have less and less to chat about lately... so sad... I'll try and man up and talk to her about it tonight sometime. I will post the results here.. Link to comment
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