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..that tell me nothing. I tried to be strong and pretend like it didn't effect me, but then sometimes I feel like I am spiraling down, down, down.

 

My lil story (personal rant)

 

Somewhere along the way I failed to realize he was more of an alcoholic and druggie than he was willing to admit (or I was willing to admit). I've done my own experimentation, but I don't get carried away and definitely don't require substances TO have fun. In my naiveté, I assumed that people I know are just like me and that those with real "problems" are definitely not in my circle. I hate to admit it, but I think that coming to this realization caused me to attach myself more to him. Before I knew it, I became all caught up in him to the point that I started to lose touch with where I ended and he began. I've never felt so lost in someone as I felt in him - like an addiction, it felt so good and yet so frightening at the same time. It was agony and yet ecstasy. I like passion, but the passion turned painful and became too much for me. So I told him we had to make a choice and it couldn't be both.

 

Our break up was slow and heart shattering for me. Like ripping off the band aid slowly, we kept seeing each other every few weeks, which would then send us both into a whirlwind of confusion. Waaay too confusing, we started NC in Sept last year, but in Dec he got back in touch and was saying all the right things. I believed him eventually and began to open my heart up - and as quickly as I did, he told me he was confused and didn't know what he wants. Yada yada yada. By that point my emotional strength had run out and I started NC for real 3 weeks ago.

 

I can't understand this. I am usually good at realizing when something is just not working and I anticipate the break up, begin to gather the pieces of my heart and part with some tears, but life goes on!

 

I feel stuck in a time warp right now. I am having the hardest time accepting that this has ended for real, that this chapter in our lives is indeed over and will never, ever be again. Never. Be. Again. Those words drive a thousand knives into my heart... All those memories, our investment in each other, the intimacy we shared... just leaves blowing in the wind now? So hard to accept that!!! How can love turn into dust? It should be the thing we fight for more than life itself, but we let it go. We allow it to fade. We let it become extinct. Some days I feel like a part of me has died and I can no longer look at my life the way I used to. I know I'll survive this, but - at night especially - there's a cloud weighing on me and it's so damn heavy. I'm in the fog and I can't see a way out of here.

 

 

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My heart goes out to you. This is the natural stuff of grief. Might be helpful to google Elisabeth Kübler-Ross who's Stages of Grief were originally developed as a model for dealing with death and dying, however, therapists now use it to help people understand all of the conflicts and pain that are a normal process of grieving any significant loss.

 

These stages aren't steps you go through one at a time to finally reach acceptance, but rather they can be a messy cycle where you can jump around between the states and even find yourself in a tug between two or more of them at a time.

 

There's no way 'around' grief, it's something we all need to go through after a breakup. I hope you'll write more if it helps.

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You are doing just fine and actually sound like your head is in the right place.

 

Wow, really? That's incredibly encouraging.

 

Thanks for the info on Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. I guess I am in between a few of those stages? Is that possible? I feel like I am back and forth between depression, anger and then some of the testing stage.

 

I have been in 2 long term relationships since i was 18 with a brief dating spell, but I've come to realize that my relationships defined who I am. I never took the time to figure out what I really wanted for myself - independent of anyone else. I was going to try and start dating recently - to "move on" quicker, but in all honesty that's not what I want in my life right now. I want to discover myself! But then at the same time, I feel like I am on such a lonely road.

 

From what I hear, the ex is already "seeing someone". He's also never been single very long in his whole dating life. It makes me sad knowing that I have a cold, quiet house to come home to and only a pillow to hug when things are tough - and yet he's magically managed to let go of the last 2.5 years and find comfort in someone elses arms.

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How you are describing your feelings are so similar to mine.

I was in a 3 year relationship, he treated me like gold and showed me another world of fun and excitement again after ending a 10year loveless relationship. He promised me and my son a life together. Then all of a sudden things changed. The last year he put no effort but complained about me not talking or making the effort and was slowly starting to lose his feelings for me. We were on and off from last May to Sept. I reached out to him on 3 occassions, we got back together but things were never the same. When we were apart in August he booked a cruise for himself to get away from stress in his business etc. In the meantime we kept seeing each other and he seemed to try again. Late Sept. he went on the cruise by himself and I drove him to the airport in the middle of the night. He called daily how he wished I was there and how he missed me, etc. I couldn't go as I had my mom over from out of town and had an appt. I could not miss. When I picked him up he was so excited to see me and bought me diamond earrings. All was good until 2 weeks later when out of the blue I get another email breaking up and wanting NC for a while, wanted his life back, did want a life with me but changed his mind. He called me twice that week, saying he cares about me but not as a girlfriend anymore. Needless to say I was shocked, hurt and insulted. We had no contact until I did something I will never forget. I still had his house key and decided after 3 months of NC to drop off his key and see how he was doing, not knowing how I feel, as I was still hurt and devisated but curious how he was coping. I noticed there were no strange cars around and his truck was outside with the lights on. I rang the doorbell and he looked shocked a look I have never seen before. I gave him his key and he didn't say anything or invite me in. He said he has company. He then called his new girlfriend to the door to introduce me, she invited me in but he said it was not a good idea, and walked away. I tried to talk to him outside but he wouldn't give me a minute of his time. I then said now I know what all this was all about. I asked how long this has been going on and he said for a while now, which blew my mind. I thought he was licking his wounds as he had many business worries, etc. He said send me an email, I'm not getting into this. I drove home crying and in shock, feeling like a fool. The next day after talking to a friend of his, I discovered this was a girl he met on the cruise from another state, 1,000 miles away. She has been here already 4 times since end of Oct. and most likely here now for

Valentines. It shocks me how someone can be so deceiving. Perhaps he planned this all already and moved on long ago. But to hurt me in such a fashion as to show off his new girlfriend like that was insult to injury. I still can't believe how he moved on so fast. Getting through Christmas/New Years and now Valentines Day is so hard to take, knowing they are with that new person. Wondering how happy they may be, wondering how this long distance relationship will unfold, wondering is this a rebound relationship. I know I must move on as it's obvious he has too. I sent him a nasty email about the shock and betrayal as I needed closure after 3 years. I never received a reply but that doesn't surprise me either, what can he say, when I point out the facts. It's been a long and bumpy road since last March, I can't waste anymore time on it, but it's hard to move on. When you can't stop thinking about it. I hope I start to feel better soon, I have never felt this way before, it's exhausting, confusing and painful.

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I have been in 2 long term relationships since i was 18 with a brief dating spell, but I've come to realize that my relationships defined who I am. I never took the time to figure out what I really wanted for myself - independent of anyone else. I was going to try and start dating recently - to "move on" quicker, but in all honesty that's not what I want in my life right now. I want to discover myself! But then at the same time, I feel like I am on such a lonely road.

 

Lonely is not bad. It may be just what you need to figure things out. You really sound like you are in a great place with your thinking of how you want to do for you. Investing in yourself like this will help you understand what makes you happy, solve for things that perhaps you bring to relationship that can put stress on it, and figure out what you want in a relationship and from another person. Don't settle. If you don't take the time to figure this out you are more likely to settle even if you don't realize it.

 

You are doing great! Put one foot in front of the other. You will get to exactly where you are supposed to be and will arrive when you are supposed to get there.

 

Chin up!

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I hope I start to feel better soon, I have never felt this way before, it's exhausting, confusing and painful.

 

I know you will feel better! I can feel the slight bumps of progress everyday. Everyday that I so desperately want to talk to him and don't, I feel just a teeny bit better each time. I had 2 friends, in 2 different countries, take their lives this last week. It was a huge shock and very hard to deal with - it's hard to feel like I have no one's arms to run to for comfort. But after a few days of living with the sadness, not being able to hide from it or distract myself or depend on anyone to help me carry the burden in the middle of the night when I am alone in my house, I am feeling a lot stronger.

 

I'm having a love/hate relationship with this whole breakup issue mess! I know it's good for me, but I hate that it's so so hard sometimes!! Maybe had it not happened I would never have had the chance to learn to be strong for myself. A part of me would like to thank him and show him how I am learning to fly, but I am still so mad at him and doesn't want him to think anything good has come from this. lol

 

You are doing great! Put one foot in front of the other. You will get to exactly where you are supposed to be and will arrive when you are supposed to get there.

 

Thank you for this! It's so helpful to have these simple reminders. So easy to get lost in self pity and sadness. I hope you're doing the same as you're suggesting to me.

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