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For all of you that hurt or betrayed your ex, or have been hurt...


anothermistake

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If you hurt your ex winning them back is a big a challenge and you need to decide if it is one that you are ready to take. You also need to understand that they need to forgive you also to move on, even if that means to move on with their life with you in it later on. It is important to admit your mistakes and give them a sincere apology and then go NC. In this time keep working on yourself and moving on with your life. Make yourself a better person than what you were before for YOU!!

 

Let me explain what I mean when I say they also need to forgive to move on and why if you were the one hurt it is important to forgive.

 

Forgiveness is an act of the will. You have to lead your will. You don't ever FEEL like forgiving anyone and it is always easier to hold onto the offense or just "move on". But do we ever really move on? That is a cowardice approach to life. In order to be healthy you MUST forgive. True forgiveness is a challenge. Once you forgive you can not take it back - and you can never throw it back in the other persons face. You must be sure you are ready to forgive before you say the words. Remember this with-holding forgiveness hurts You more than it does the other person - you are only holding yourself in a sort of bondage.

 

We are human and we all make mistakes. How many things have happened in your lifetime that you have "forgotten" about now? Can you remember every conversation? every birthday party? every friend you ever had in kindergarten? You choose to remember what is important to you and as long as you are hurt you will remember. If you allow healing to take place - you will be able to let go and forgive.

 

Forgiveness is divine and to choose to be a better person and not hold something against someone else for the rest of their life is most important.

 

In order for one to do this, they must really come to terms with whatever happened and let it go. Then you can truly forgive and forget.

 

Moving on to the issue of lost trust:

 

Trust, once lost, isn't very reluctantly given again. It is a defense mechanism we all employ - once a person has betrayed our trust, we are not eager to repeat that experience. It hurts too much. To regain trust YOU have to

make sure YOUR behavior is worthy of the person's trust again. Trust, once broken, is not easy to win back. But often, if you are sincere and diligent, the friendship or other relationship is better than before. It has shown to be strong enough to survive this, after all.

 

Please do not hold onto false hope. You need to accept that the relationship in its former form is over. You can not change the past. It is important to live in the present. Assuming you got to have a post break up talk, if your ex ever talks to you or calls to catch up or you do the calling or chat with them in public it is important not to bring up the past whats done is done. This is your chance to start over maybe you won't get back together, no one knows. But if you keep rehashing the past you will push them away again. They have finally put the past behind them that is why they are talking to you and you have to do the same if you really want anything to work. Take it a day at a time and be happy that you are able to talk again. Don't even bring up reconciliation. Let it takes it's course. Time is such a powerful thing and you never know what is going to happen in the future.

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If you hurt your ex winning them back is a big a challenge and you need to decide if it is one that you are ready to take. You also need to understand that they need to forgive you also to move on, even if that means to move on with their life with you in it later on. It is important to admit your mistakes and give them a sincere apology and then go NC. In this time keep working on yourself and moving on with your life. Make yourself a better person than what you were before for YOU!!

 

I think this is key!

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I didn't get to make a sincere apology to my ex. I hurt him by being moody and getting angry at him for no reason at times. I also depended on him for emotional fulfillment and happiness, which is a lot of pressure to put on him.

 

This eats at me that I haven't apologized properly. We're on light contact at the moment and see each other sometimes, so I feel like bringing it up might be a step backwards...

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red.ribbon

 

It may be a step backwards to apologize now. Think of it this way you do not have to discuss what happened, but wouldn't you want an apology if someone treated you bad?

 

You can't beg for forgivness this will come all on it's own with time after you apologize. You could do it in a letter, over the phone or in person. When I hurt my ex I did it in person and I knew he was still angry. Another key is not to make excuses on why you have acted like this and do not post blame on them for any of your actions. This is only about you apolgizing for what you have done. Do not expect an apology back from them for things they may have done. Expect nothing after that.

 

From there on continue to work on yourself you can not depend on anyone but youself for emotional fulfillment and your happiness. You only depend on yourself for that! Also you need to really look at yourself and see why you are moody and this way at times. These are things you will and should want to change even if you do not get back together.

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Can I please have some advice.

 

I lied to my ex about things and lost her trust and she left me and cut off all contact, changed her number and moved to a new address. (I didn't cheat on her btw). It was a 2 year serious relationship. A few days ago after 6 weeks nc she has started appearing on msn which surprised me as I know she had blocked me. I still have her blocked so she doesn't know if I can see her online.

 

I decided to wait and see if she would email me before I appeared online to her. Now I am starting to doubt myself although she was very, very clear not to contact ever again before nc started. I know she is still single and it's valentines day approaching.

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It is hard to say these are all decisions you have to make. With my ex I was able to apologize before no contact started and the rest was in his hands after that.

 

It was not my choice if we would talk again or not it was his, however I still had his number, email, and we live in a small town. The changes I made got around. I don't know with MSN do you know her email? You could emial her an apology but do not expect a response to it. State something along the lines of you wanted to apologize and make sure you point out what you did wrong.

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It is hard to say these are all decisions you have to make. With my ex I was able to apologize before no contact started and the rest was in his hands after that.

 

It was not my choice if we would talk again or not it was his, however I still had his number, email, and we live in a small town. The changes I made got around. I don't know with MSN do you know her email? You could emial her an apology but do not expect a response to it. State something along the lines of you wanted to apologize and make sure you point out what you did wrong.

We spoke online when she unblocked me. She was basically very angry, I apologised and told her how I have overcome my insecurity of hiding things and she told me she had moved on and was marrying someone and then she blocked me. The next day I received an unprompted email from her telling me that she really hated me.

 

That was after 6 weeks nc.

 

Since that occurred 3 days ago I haven't heard from her. I don't know whether to believe she is getting married. She doesn't know I can see her new facebook page and it says she is single and there is nothing about it on her wall but maybe she's keeping it private. I won't be looking at it again; opens up wounds just seeing that stuff.

 

Back to nc I guess but I doubt she will ever come back to me. Have to try to move on and make the most of things.

 

Any advice appreciated..

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To snoppydog:

Really sorry to hear that you attempt to contact her did not go well. I think maybe she may have told you she was getting married as a way to make sure you really wouldnt attempt to contact her again, to make you think she would never be available again. I know heartbreak is hard. Especially when your the one seeking forgiveness and your sincere with your apology and want the other person to forgive you. The only thing to do now would be to move on. As hard as it is the best you can do is move one. Block her from all your online contacts......out of sight will make it a little easier. But take time and try to move forward. Sorry again!!!

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To snoppydog:

Really sorry to hear that you attempt to contact her did not go well. I think maybe she may have told you she was getting married as a way to make sure you really wouldnt attempt to contact her again, to make you think she would never be available again. I know heartbreak is hard. Especially when your the one seeking forgiveness and your sincere with your apology and want the other person to forgive you. The only thing to do now would be to move on. As hard as it is the best you can do is move one. Block her from all your online contacts......out of sight will make it a little easier. But take time and try to move forward. Sorry again!!!

I only said hello because she unblocked me. I didn't contact her once in the 6 weeks of nc and won't be contacting again... not even if she unblocks me again now.

 

I'm hurting a lot.

 

I know she is unlikely to return so I have to try and move on.

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this is just a thought -

 

i'm sorry you are hurting but-

 

maybe she did not unblock you. i say this because i once had someone on my list who i did not want to talk to anymore, and had told him so. i had made myself invisible to him and then a few weeks later deleted him off my list.

 

so when i logged on, i was still on his messenger list, but i had no control over whether he could see me anymore since i had deleted him. he then contacted me pretty much right away. at first i didn't know who he was...when i found out i ignored him. he got the picture.

 

might be something similar here.

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this is just a thought -

 

i'm sorry you are hurting but-

 

maybe she did not unblock you. i say this because i once had someone on my list who i did not want to talk to anymore, and had told him so. i had made myself invisible to him and then a few weeks later deleted him off my list.

 

so when i logged on, i was still on his messenger list, but i had no control over whether he could see me anymore since i had deleted him. he then contacted me pretty much right away. at first i didn't know who he was...when i found out i ignored him. he got the picture.

 

might be something similar here.

No she definitely unblocked me. She is on the computer everyday, usually for hours and during that 6 week span she didn't appear online on my msn once and she is an avid msn user. Not only that we spoke on msn the day of her initiating nc and she said she was going to block me then and then she went offline.

 

Also when i asked why she unblocked me she didn't give me an answer.

 

She wanted to upset me...

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Confused543

I liked your post. It was a great addition to what I said.

 

I believe to that you need to get out of your ex's sight for awhile along with the NC. Don't go where they will be avoid each other at all costs. The reason I say this is because even if you may not be talking just seeing the person that hurt you can prolong the entire healing process. It only makes you more angry and pist off that they or you can show your face after what was done. It is a lot of built up emotion.

 

Starting from the ground up again is not easy, it may not happen until your ex or you date a few people, it may not happen at all. You have to accept the realtionship in it's former form is over. I do not believe in a time fram to get your ex back even though everyone ususally wants them back before they date someone else. Can you tell me if that happened in 2 to 3 months that you yourself have dealt with all your issues and changed as a person? I doubt it, it takes longer than that to change and have anyone see it.

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