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Friend's unrequited crush on a guy


Celadon

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I'm not exactly sure why I'm posting about this -- partly it hurts me to see a friend continue to deceive herself and partly, I guess, I want to slap some sense into my friend!

 

But here's the situation: My friend "Jen" has liked this guy for years, but he's given her no indication he likes her. They've spent time together in groups and went on one "date" which she initiated. He didn't follow up with her after that.

 

Now she's using an excuse to invite him over with some other folks, and while I want to be supportive, I feel this is not a good thing. She's asked me and many friends for our opinion about her and him, especially during her low times when she's depressed that he doesn't pay attention to her. We've ALL told her to stop hoping on him and stop trying to get his attention, but she continues.

 

Perhaps I should just do more to encourage her to give other men a chance. I don't know how else to deal with her mooning after him. I almost wish he'd start dating someone so she'd get over him.

 

P.S. It's not like I don't know what she feels like: I've had my share of crushes too. It's just hard to see this going on for years...

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ugh, i feel you. i know that i've liked some guys or exes while my friends are telling me to get over it, it won't happen. i know it's annoying to hear about it time after time. well, i hope she comes to a conclusion with this guy soon - either that they wind up dating, or that he finds someone new and she moves on. have you encouraged her to do online dating?

 

otherwise, if she keeps bringing him up, you should just change the topic. or tell her that you've given her all your advice and don't have anything new to add on the situation.

 

has she asked him out? one-on-one? maybe she should, so she gets her answer once and for all.

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What I would do is encourage her to actually just tell him that she likes him. Then he can tell her he doesn't like her and hopefully that will make her stop wasting her time. Might hurt, but maybe it'll let her move on, or make him stop hanging around her so that she won't be able to focus on him so much.

 

yeah, exactly. get it out in the open. then she can move on, one way or another.....

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Thanks you guys! Can you believe, I never thought about her bringing it up with him. Probably because it's gonna hurt bad. But you're right -- she can't keep chasing him if he tells her to her face that he's never going to feel that way toward her. I mean, it's clear he's not pursuing her in any way, but she won't accept that.

 

She is on an online service but isn't making much effort to connect with guys. She'll exchange an email or two and then it doesn't get to a date.

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You say the crush has been going on for years... Has he had girlfriends/romantic relationships during this time where she has seen this? Just curious...

 

I do agree the the idea of her just speaking with him about it so she will be able to hear from him, exactly how he does or does not feel...

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I don't know him that well, but it seems like he hasn't had a girlfriend in this time. He's got plenty of women as friends - and many who would like to go out with him, it seems. But I've heard thru the grapevine that he's had "issues" he's working thru so he's not chasing after anyone. I think his non-dating has given my friend hope that he'll be interested in her later. I just don't think that's the way it works...

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I don't know him that well, but it seems like he hasn't had a girlfriend in this time. He's got plenty of women as friends - and many who would like to go out with him, it seems. But I've heard thru the grapevine that he's had "issues" he's working thru so he's not chasing after anyone. I think his non-dating has given my friend hope that he'll be interested in her later. I just don't think that's the way it works...

 

If he hasn't dated anyone & is working on his issues, could your friend be onto something in that he may become interested in her at some point? Or do you feel (from observation/hearsay, etc.) that if he were to be ready to date it would not be your friend for sure but someone else?

 

Though even if you were to answer "yes" to it possibly being your friend, one can't sit around & wait for someone, so in the interim she should certainly live her life & date if she is looking for a relationship. And if the answer is "no"... It's back to speaking with her kindly about the whole thing as a dear friend...

 

I guess it is just what you'd say to her that would be different depending on which answer is true....

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Annie, he could be. Again, I don't know him real well, but I've never known him to date a guy either. Maybe he's bi and indecisive?

 

If he hasn't dated anyone & is working on his issues, could your friend be onto something in that he may become interested in her at some point? Or do you feel (from observation/hearsay, etc.) that if he were to be ready to date it would not be your friend for sure but someone else?

 

Though even if you were to answer "yes" to it possibly being your friend, one can't sit around & wait for someone, so in the interim she should certainly live her life & date if she is looking for a relationship. And if the answer is "no"... It's back to speaking with her kindly about the whole thing as a dear friend...

 

I guess it is just what you'd say to her that would be different depending on which answer is true....

Good points - thanks. She is holding out hope. Sometimes tho she has spent time with him and realized some differences that could indicate they would not be a great match. But then she forgets about that and tries to manipulate circumstances so she can be with him.

 

I mean, I don't see that he's ever been super excited about being with her. So even if he is not on the market you would think there would be some indication of potential. Do you think so?

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Maybe I'll have to talk with her then. Sigh. I hope I don't offend her. She is really a sweet person, just inexperienced and a tad naive. But also tenacious apparently. I really will encourage her to get to know other guys and subtly suggest that she ask him once and for all where she stands with him.

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and you know, in this day and age, it is socially acceptable for a woman to ask out a man as well. to show him her interest. i know a couple that got married where the woman asked out the man. i think most guys here would be thrilled if a girl asked them out. it doesn't mean that things will necessarily work out, but someone has to break the ice, right? i mean, she can't spend the next 2 years pining after him. at some point she'll decide she wants a real relationship and not a fantasy/crush.

 

speaking of which, do you think it's possible, as you say, that she is naive and kind of inexperienced, maybe this is her way of 'protecting' herself. ie, pining over a guy, but not actually making moves that might result in a real relationship, where they can REALLY be together, and he might one day, REALLY break her heart?

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Yeah, that could be a factor, Annie. I can't quite tell if she's idealistic and is holding out for the guy who, at least on the surface, is "perfect" -- or if, as you say, she's going for the safe route, like idolizing a celebrity who could never love her back.

 

To clarify, she did ask him out once and they went out, but he didn't follow up with her. So I don't know what to make of that, other than, as long as he doesn't get into a relationship with anyone else, she'll still think she has a chance.

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OH yeah, me too, Annie. It doesn't take much to make me back off of a guy. lol. Part of that is because of a past relationship where I did most of the work. I took from that experience a determination not to be in another "he's just not that into you" relationship. If the guy doesn't follow through, he's not for me - that's my motto. Hm, maybe I'll share that with my friend....

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