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Beginning to settle down some


lostandscared5

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Hi guys, I'm finally beginning to settle down some. Homework has been bombarding me from all directions, homework is a neverending process for me. There was a time when I fell behind, but I've caught up with it and am in a constant process in an attempt to try my best to keep up with the whirlwind of homework assignments waiting for me to do. There was a lot of pressure lately; research papers due, movies and films assigned that had to be watched, tons of reading to do (since these are all online classes), discussion boards to post, other homework assignments that the professors assigned, etc. There was a time when I got all the due dates mixed up and even the teachers have different times of the day when something is due. In fact, I just did a midterm today, got nine wrong, which is an equvalent to a B- or C+. It's been difficult for me to keep track of everything nowadays. There were a few relationship problems that I had to take care of, which still has not been taken care of yet. Right now in my eyes, I could care less about yet. I just got a new label as someone's girlfriend yesterday, I haven't agreed to it yet though, sigh. I am learning to not get attached to him so quickly and take things slow day by day and not let it affect me too deeply and not so much. I am learning to not take this so seriously. I hesitate to be his girlfriend for a reason and until I find out what that is and find a solution for it, I will not admit that we are boyfriend/girlfriends and get attached to him. Perhaps I have trouble believing that he loves me and perhaps it is because he is having a baby on the way with his ex girlfriend of about two months or so. I need to get more settled down in terms of school, in terms of getting a work experience and volunteer experience. Does anyone know how difficult it is for me to go through this day after day? I know things will get better but how much longer do I have to wait? I get tired of doing this day after day. I am 23 years old, living at home (with parents who does not trust me to make good and mature decisions about my life, with parents who does not believe I am a responsible adult, with parents who think that I have no plans for the future, with parents who think I am incapable of making my own decisions, with parents who think I am incapable of being a responsible adult, with no or limited freedom, with little or no opportunity to go out and be with my friends, with little or no opportunity to talk freely with my friends about my everyday life, with no job, with little or no privacy within my own home, and school is basically my life). I am so sick and tired of this and yet I deal with it everyday, I have no choice. I just stick it out, refusing to give up, knowing that one day everything will be better. Seeing my academic as well as a career counselor remind me that I still have a bright future ahead of me, that I have tons of opportunities waiting for me out there. A visit to the park and seeing all the happy carefree children and adolescents out there brought a smile to my face and I laughed, I haven't laughed in so long. I know God is there. I know that I will get through this; all the obstacles and tribulations. I will forget my past relationships; the sadness, the hurt, the pain, the hardships, the sufferings and all the negative experiences in my life, I will learn and grow from that. What doesn't kill me can only make me stronger right? I believe that I have changed and I continue to do so, day by day, and one day I will have changed into a person I want to become; with a secure job, a loving marriage and family. I can't wait until the day I am settled down with everything I ever want from life.

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Hi guys, my day started out with me remembering two dreams; one is of the guy who has labelled me as his girlfriend, I was dreaming about him cuz I was worried about him (I held hands, saw him, and hug him in my dream), the second dream was of the guy who labelled me as his girlfriend talking on the phone with my ex with me there and my ex telling him how I disrespected him and had guy friends while I was dating him and then it changed. Today is one of those happy days. Last night two of my friends called and wanted me to hang out with them, knowing my parents they want me to stay home, normally I would have done as they told me to, but I've realized just recently that I have changed and continues to do so. I am finally growing up, and becoming an independent adult, one who wants to make her own decisions. And so that is exactly what I did. I've done a good job on my midterm, got 31/40 on my midterm, is pretty well caught up with my homework so I decided to reward myself. I figured I could take some time out of my busy schedule to have some fun around here, after all, I deserve it right? Before meeting up with my friends I saw a bunch of kids playing tag on the grass at the Metreom in SF downtown, and I smiled and laughed a little bit, as I see how happy they were just playing without a care in the world. I went to the arcade inside the Metreom in SF downtown, went into Westfield shopping mall, went to eat japanese food, and altogether spent over forty dollars. As someone who does not have a job, I do feel guilty for spending that much money, but it was worth it, cuz I had so much fun with my friends. We had conversations about things that had happened to us in the past as friends that I have no memory of and I laughed so hard, I was so happy today. Even though I was with my friends today, there were somethings that I wanted to talk to them about that I did not or things that they wanted to know that I could not explain to them. I wish the forty dollars that I had spent today would come back to me in the form of a paycheck, one day that will happen. I also look into opening a pay on the go cell phone at a SF AT&T store cuz I will have to get a new cell phone soon. I called the guy who has labelled me his girlfriend twice before I went to bed last night and he did not pick up both sides, and my thoughts immediately turned negative, I thought that he was doing something unfaithful towards me, even though I still have not accepted and admitted the fact that he is my boyfriend yet. He called me today and said bokey I was working last night and then said he'll call me again after he got to the house. I was glad he wasn't doing anything unfaithful and I also felt ashamed of myself. After my hang out with my friends, I called him, he told me he was at work and will call me back, and he did. I did not pick up the phone for I was busy eating dinner downstairs, he left me a voicemail and said hi babe I am driving my mom down to Sacramento and will try to call you back later love peace. It really does sound like he is serious about me this time. I cannot fall into that trap again, I cannot, this has happened before. I cannot get attached to him, he is a father with a child on the way and the mother of that child is his ex girlfriend. That will affect my relationship with him a lot. I also got two chances to talk to my mentor today, I love talking to her, I am so close to her, in fact I am closer to her than I am to my own mother. I can tell her everything, things I can and cannot tell my mother. She is a big part of my life, and has such a big impact on my life. She encourages and pushes me to go out of my comfort zone in a way that does not involve criticisms, or put downs. She tries to understand me and gets me to open my mind up to new possibilities, opportunities, options, etc. She is a good listener. She stands by me no matter what, lets me make my own decisions and my own mistakes and let me handle the consequences of those, unlike my mother. My mentor wants to be my role model and I have learned from her past, we have learned to share our troubles with each other and to be there for each other in times of need. One thing we both have in turn is that we are not good at sticking to our word, we always end up talking to guys who we have told each other that we do not want any relationship or contact with anymore. My mentor is like thirty years my senior and we have such a close relationship with each other, I wish I had the same with my mom, but unfortunately, that cannot be, I know it hurts my mom that I could talk to her and not to my own mother, but my own mother is too close minded, I cannot and do not dare to mention some of the things that I talk to my mentor about to my mom. I know that my mom is jealous of her, so be it, she should feel happy that I have someone that I trust to talk to; however, she wants me to stay clear of her as much as possible, sigh. Then theres my close friend, we've been close friends for the past nine years or so, and we are so much alike. I remembered this one time she tried to end our friendship by trying to be a drama queen, but I saw right through it, and we talked everything out. Every time she has a problem or wants to talk to somebody, I am who she turns to, at times I feel like we are each other's best friend as well as therapist. We can both make each other laugh, sooth and comfort each other in times of hardship, go through the thick and thin together, this is so amazing. I love her. She is my close friend and my best friend. I can tell her almost everything, I mean everybody has their own secrets, but I try to tell her as much as I possibly can, in order for her to understand enough of the situation that I am in so that she can help me get through it. We help each other out, she told me how proud she was of me all the time, she try to cope with her life based on my personal experiences and what I have gone through, and it seem to really help her out and for that I am glad. I too learn from her and what she has to say about things that I am going through, from what she has gone through, from the changes that she has seen in me ever since we first met, etc. This is one friendship that I will keep for the rest of my life. Oh yeah, I almost forgot I got a B or 20/25 on one of my papers.

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Hi you guys. I am feeling bittersweet right now. I just heard the voice of the guy that I like, the one who is my close friend, the same one who I would like to become my boyfriend. The phone call only lasted a minute, but that one minute of phone call is enough, to make me smile. Today is both Chinese New Year and Valentine's Day, and he called me to wish me a Goi Hey Fat Choi, and I said the same thing back to him. He had to rush to get off the phone with me because he was getting ready to go out. I would have preferred to talk to him on the phone longer for I've got so much that I want to talk to him about, but that is okay. He had called me earlier but did not say anything after I picked up, so I hung up, and called him back, but he did not pick up. I do not why he called me again is it just to return my call or was his intention to say Goi Hey Fat Choi, cuz he thought of me? What ever his intention was, does it even matter at this point? I spent most of today doing homework and celebrating Chinese New Years with my parents. Waiting on pins and needles for the guy who has labelled me his girlfriend to call me to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day, which still has not happened yet, I will not call him. In a way it should not even matter, since I still have not admit that he is my boyfriend and such. At the same time, I know that it is going to bother me if he does not call me today, I will get pissed off at him for it. I have lasted this entire day without calling him and I will stick it out for the rest of the day, I cannot give it and call him, that is not going to happen. Focus on something else, anything other than my phone. I wonder what he is doing, I wonder what he is so busy doing, that he could not take some time to call me. I finally could not stand it anymore so I gave him a call and it just so happens that he was at work. I hate it when he does this to me. He could have let me know earlier in the day that he has work or something like that.

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Fear and happiness are my two dominate feelings right now. Fear because this year is not my year. Fear because it is believed that people of the tiger will have something unfortunate or unlucky happen to them this year. Me; however, do not know whether I should believe in that or superstitious stuff since I also believe in God. Fear because I had nightmares the night of Chinese New Year, I dreamt that I was raped and almost murdered and I also dreamt of witnessing a brutal, violent and bloody murder of a little girl. Happiness, well, I don't really know why I feel happy.According to my auntie, I sound happier than I did compared to the last time I've talked to her, and when she asked me why, I didn't have an answer ready for her. The guy who have labelled me as his girlfriend hasn't have a real actual conversation with me since Thursday and I felt like he neglected me ever since than. I know that he has a life that he has a job and he has classes and now he has me. I've always felt like I am the one who care about him cuz I'm the one who calls him daily and checks up on him while he barely calls me in return and see how I am doing. I stopped myself from calling him all day and finally he did call me. He called me and I didn't pick up, I think in a way I did it on purpose. I was slightly pissed off at him, to me, I was thinking he deserved it. He left me a voicemail and said hi bokey I called you on break at work, I'll call you later since you didn't pick up. I felt guilty after hearing that voicemail. I know he probably won't call me back, and even if he does, I'll probably be sleeping already, oh wellz, I'll probably talk to him tomorrow. This one incident proves to me a little bit more that he does care about me and does think about me and I shouldn't take what I have with him so negatively all the time. I don't know what to think about this situation or what to make of this situation yet, one thing I do know is I should not repeat the same mistakes as I had made in the past with all my other relationships with my ex boyfriends.

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I called him (the guy who labelled me his girlfriend) this morning and what I got was the person you have called is unavailable right now, please try again later. If he had the money to pay his cell phone bill and his cell phone was off, it would have gone right to voicemail, but it didn't, so he didn't have enough money to pay his cell phone bill; and that is why I choose to stay away from him and not get attached to him. I cannot and will not lay my heart on the line for someone who is unreliable. It has been five six days or so since we could talk to each other and catch up with each other about what is going on in each other's lives. Hopefully he will call me later on today or something. There is no other way that I could contact him right now. This is happened to the both of us before, him appearing, disappearing and then reappearing in my life again, and he knows how much I hate that, so why is he doing that to me again? I am so mad at him right now what can I say, I've been pissed off at him already......I am so glad that I went into this with my eyes open and I realize what is going on, that I am not in denial and I know that until he can prove to me he is a reliable boyfriend, then will I take him seriously, cuz right now, I cannot do that. If he values that label of me as his girlfriend, wouldn't he take this more seriously and be there for me more? One thing that has changed that I've noticed about him over the years is before when I've mentioned being boyfriend/girlfriend with him, he said the label doesn't matter, but now it's him who is calling me and labelling me as his girlfriend, having girlfriend nicknames for me. It sure is fascinating how much a person can change right before your eyes in just two years of time. I keep wanting to write him an email, but I always change my mind when I start to write him one, why can't he just call so we could talk?

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Unlike the night before when I had nightmares, I had a happy dream last night. It was so vivid in my mind when I woke up that I thought the dream was real. I was talking to this person and I got the job that fits my requirements and so I went upstairs and I sat down, assuming that I was waiting for my interview, unfortunately I don't have a resume on me, and that is when I woke up. I've been going out of my mind trying to look for a job lately on top of everything else, but I never seem to find the time for it and even if I do find the time for it, I cannot seem to find the job that fits me.

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I've called him a thousand times at first the number as unavailable and then it went straight to his voicemail what the hell? He will regret this if he does not call me back within the next two three hours or so. When I say I want to talk to somebody than I mean it and a couple of days has already passed ever since then. I cannot rely on him for * * * * . I want to talk to him cuz I know that if I don't it will bug me. I will try to forget about it but I can't guarantee that it will work cuz it bugs me when problems arise and it does not get resolved. I am letting this affect me too much stop it. Stop it right now. Sometimes I feel like he wouldn't mind if he gets someone else to replace me. He knows that I sent him an email and instead of reading it he ignores me completely. What the hell? I AM NOT HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Am I the only one who cares about what happens? Every time I call him to talk, he always has an excuse to get off the phone with me. And when he calls me that he would call me back he never does. Other times when I call him his phone is off. He rarely calls me and he doesn't read any of the emails that I sent him. He is driving me insnane, am I the only one who cares? I don't think we are going to amount to much if this keeps happening. If I need to need to talk him then that means I need to talk to him. And there is going to be a big problem if we can't talk things out and get this problem resolved. How come he doesn't see what he is doing to me? How come he is always driving me crazy?

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I have been thinking a lot about R lately and I don't know why. I've been reminded of all the times when hes satisfied with the way our relationship is going but I never been satisfied with what we have. I always have something in mind about our relationship that I want to improve on, I've pressured him so much by demanding things from them, from expecting unrealistic expectations from him, that perhaps I had driven him or scared him away. Thinking about all these memories with R hurts me while memories with other guys ex bfs or guys that I liked in the past do not; I guess I had moved on over them. Last night, I had a crying fit right before I fell asleep and at that time I really wanted to talk to J, for I know he is the only guy who would help me feel better. I like him and I know that he likes me back too, but I question his feelings for me sometimes. Would he like me, care about him, love me, want me to be his girlfriend if I do not help him out with his homework? In the past few days or so I have been impressed by how many times we have talked on the phone; it was amazing. Sometimes it was just to talk, at other times I was helping him with his homework. He called me and talked to me for a few minutes last night before he started working, he said he will call me today, will he? He is currently out of town right now and I struggled with whether I should trust him or not, since I know he has girls circling around him, doing stuff for him. I know that I should trust him cuz he has never lied to me before, but still. He's also calling me baby, boo, babe, bokey, nicknames like that already too, he can be so sweet at times.

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I'm so glad that I have one online guy friend that I could count on when memories of R and me starts to overwhelm me, emailing me and hearing what he has to say always calms me down. I'm so glad that I had a half hour conversation with D, I was happy that he bothered to call me to check up on me. We caught up with each other and he told me he got a job at a bank as a teller. We plan to hang out in March, he said he will give me a call, but I won't have a cell phone anymore. Maybe I will just like communicate with him through my home phone and through facebook or something. We also talked about us and our relationship; he is concerned about my well being and whether I can handle it if he finds someone better if we did get into a non exclusive relationship, and I told him that I cannot and will not share him. He and I both know that he is not ready for a committed relationship and that we should just let things flow, and see where our relationship is going to go. He says he understand. What we both want right now are two different things. I cannot and do not want to share him. I like him too much for that and I cannot stand around tolerating him dating other people at the same time as me. I love hearing from him and I do trust that he will call me. D does think about me and him calling me proves that to be true. At tiimes it might seem like he is too busy for me but when I give him the space that he needs and the chance to call me, he will. Things will be different though once I don't have a cell phone anymore. I wonder if we will have to pay extra to talk to people all the way out in dublin peasantan. I didn't tell D anything that is going on with me and J, there's no need for him to know about that. There's no need for him to know that I've been thinking about R lately too. J didn't call me today and I wonder why. I tried to call to twice; once this morning but his cell phone was off and another time at night but he didn't pick up, maybe he's at work or something. I love the way D would call me out of the blue to talk to me, I wonder if he's been dating lately. He's probably too busy for that though. One thing I'm not sure of is that did D accidentally call me the first time around and would he have called me back if I didn't call him afterwards?

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Hi guys, I woke up with a smile all over my face. Even though J did not call me yesterday, we still managed to talked to each other. The first time I called him, his phone was off because he was sleeping, the second time I called he didn't pick up, and the third time I called, he said he will call me back in half an hour. Half an hour came and go and I assumed that he will not call me back, ho and behold, was I surprised to get a phone call from him about an hour later. At first I didn't want to pick up my phone because my parents are sleeping and I was already in bed as well, but then the joy of him calling me back led me to pick up his phone call. The phone call didn't really last long and I didn't really say a lot, cuz I don't want to wake my parents up, but it really proved to me that he cares about me. He knew that I was asleep and he has to work soon, he still bothered to call me and kept his promise or word to call me back despite that. At times it really bother me that when I am sleeping he is working, or when I am doing homework or free to talk on the phone he is either working or sleeping, it's like our schedules are polar opposites and it frustrates me. I also got another email from No1 this morning once I checked enotalone and that really helped me get through things that are going on in my life when it comes to R. I still haven't the film that I ordered from blockbuster....argh....that really gets on my nerves. I wonder when D is going to call me again or comment my facebook about the next time we can hang out.

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Hi guys, I feel a little bit pissed off and neglected right now. One I am pissed off at D because he deleted my post without responding to it and two I am pissed off at J and feels like he is neglecting me a little bit right now. J told me he will call me back, he still hasn't done that yet, I called him once and he didn't pick up (guess he was busy), and hasn't called back since. There is something that I really need to talk to him about too. I know that this is normal, that sometimes what he do would impress me and at other times what he do would piss me off. But it's like my patience is running out, and my temper is boiling hot right now, and someone D and J will both get burn once my temper boils over and explode over the two of them. I need to talk to J about whether he would still love me if I stop helping him out with his homework, he told me that as the reason to why he loves me. It eats at me not talking to him about this and not getting an answer or resolving this problem. I need to know for sure that I am the only person that he loves and that he will love me no matter what, but right now, I feel like he is neglecting me, and does not have time for me. Now I know and understand that we each have our own lives and that I can't always expect him to be there for me, but it's hard to put that into action, and not call him and over worry about things all the time.

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Alright yesterday around 1 o'clock or so, J told me that he would call me back, but he never did. When he didn't bother to call me back from then til like 9:30, I got pissed off at him for it. So I called him right before I went to bed; and it just so happens that he wasn't feeling well, that he was feeling tired and sad, that he had actually cried. How the hell could I be mad at him for that, how could I stay mad at him for that? I mean I know that he is going through a lot of pressure now when it comes to school, when it comes to his totalled car, etc. but why didn't he call me? Still he picked up my phone call before I went to bed and that in itself tells me that I have a spot in his heart, cuz he was willing to pick up my phone call when he was sad and tired; it just made me feel special and that we're so close to each other. He said I love you and so I said it back as well. His voice changed during the phone call, I called him sweet names last night on the phone and I did it again this morning too. Now when I said I love him, I didn't even know if I mean it or not, I just know that deep down in my heart he needed to hear me say that words to him. I had a dream of D last night and I actually woke up wanting to go hang out with him today, so I called him and texted him, he didn't called me back nor did he text me back, so I guess I am most likely going to stay home today, sigh.

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Do I have someone regardless of whether they love me back or not, regardless of whether they show through their actions that they love me back? Would I leave my family for J? Do I love him? Am I in love with him? Would I be homeless and live on the streets with him? He is so busy that he can't even find time out of his day to talk to me on the phone right now. I made him acknowledge the fact that he was too busy to talk to me on the phone and he apologized to me, but still. I want to talk to you J and I want to talk to you NOW.

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Am I in love with J? How can I determine that? If I love him, would I leave my family for him? I'm so pissed off at him right now, he's always busy when I want to talk to him. He's always saying he'll call me back and everything. The last time I heard him say that I almost responded with don't bother. God! Is he really in love with me?

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It's over before it even started, what a shame right? Well if it is, it is not my fault. I have done my best to tolerate things and to accept things the way it is but I've realized that I've been so stupid to just settle when I could get so much better. I've finally gotten some sense knocked into me. A guy DOES NOT love a girl if he cannot make time out of his life for her, no matter how busy he is. If this is indeed the case, I have no obligation to wait around for him. He might like me but not like me enough to be with me, well fine, so be it. Today is the second day of our not talking and for the past two nights I've had nights about him, because I am worried about him, I miss him and I want to talk to him so bad, but I am not going to call him. I will stay my ground if it's the last thing I do. I will give him a few days to come around, to come to his senses, if he doesn't, I am sorry hunny, I will have to cut you off completely, I know I can do that. I've already successfully done that to several guys before you, if I can live without them in my life, by god I will live life without you in my life too.

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After much contemplation, I've finally put J's number on my auto reject list and I just found out this morning that now whenever he calls his phone calls will go straight to voicemail. So unless he calls me on my home phone, which I doubt, cuz I know that he wouldn't, cuz I know he probably doesn't love me enough as he says he does or else I wouldn't have to put his number on the auto reject list. He alway says he loves me, but does not make time for me, does not keep his word to call me back when he says he will, and even if he calls we stay on the phone for a minute or two, then he says I'll call you back and never does. This has happened for two years, its obvious that he won't change. T, came back into my life after a half and a month, and tells me that he values me in his life and wants to prove his love to me, but he was laid back about our relationship the entire time we were dating, seemed like he didn't care either way, so who knows. But now I have D. He makes me happy. We are in a sense in a relationship with each other, but he needs time to find out what his true feelings for me are, he says he likes me, but not enough to want to commit to me as my boyfriend. So far (its been a few days) he's doing a great job, we text each other at night before we go to bed, he texts me when he has break at work, he's been consistant with me (by being there for me as a friend for the past 3 of 4 years), we have a foundation of trust and honesty with each other, and we both value our friendship a lot. We texted each other during his lunch break for 15 minutes back and forth and it makes me happy that hes making time out of his busy day for me. I was struggling with whether I should get into this relationship with him knowing he is still unsure of his feelings for me, but if we both want this, he understands my side of the story, I should try to understand his as well and make accomadations to that. He is working two jobs is afraid that being in an exclusive relationship with me might be too much for him to handle so he wants to give his feelings for me some time to develop first before we rush or get into a committed relationship with each other, it all make sense right? And I on the other hand, do not want to commit to an open relationship where I have to share him so we compromised with each other; there is no sharing (we have to break up what we have before we see other people), there has to be total honesty in this relationship, and our friendship has to remain intact if this relationship fails. This happened to us once and time healed the wound of our first breakup and I am sure the same thing will happen this time. He will give me the time and space to recover from this and I am sure that with my maturity level and the strength and I currently have will get me through this. I'm going to hang out with him this upcoming Sunday to watch Shutter Island with him. It will be our first meeting as a couple in a non exclusive relationship rather than just friends, I am nervous and excited about that. I know that he likes me, he just doesn't know how much he likes me, to what extent he likes me. I guess if I want this to go any further, I have to be patient with him.

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Am I really selling myself short by getting into a non exclusive relationship with D? Did I get myself into a friends with benefits setup relationship with him? Thank god for TJ. I love her. I love having her as my mentor. I was just talking to her about my situation with D and she told me to do what makes me happy and she told me that me and him are not friends with benefits. She told me to be honest with myself and do what makes me happy, and not tricking myself into doing something that makes him happy. I know for sure that D will respect me enough to not do anything sexually with me until he becomes my boyfriend until hes sure that I am the girl that he wants to be his girlfriend. Am I saving myself to be D's girlfriend? I hope this conflict ends soon. I do not want to feel like I am selling myself short while giving his feelings for me time to develop while we are in this together. Am I in an exclusive relationship with D? Is anyone going to agree to my decision of getting into this relationship with D? Will anyone provide approval to what we are doing? What I get is mostly criticism. They don't know the relationship with me and D, how can they judge? They don't know me, neither do they know D, or the history and feelings we've shared with each other (feelings parts wasn't much though).

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Am I really selling myself short by getting into a non exclusive relationship with D? Did I get myself into a friends with benefits setup relationship with him? Thank god for TJ. I love her. I love having her as my mentor. I was just talking to her about my situation with D and she told me to do what makes me happy and she told me that me and him are not friends with benefits. She told me to be honest with myself and do what makes me happy, and not tricking myself into doing something that makes him happy. I know for sure that D will respect me enough to not do anything sexually with me until he becomes my boyfriend until hes sure that I am the girl that he wants to be his girlfriend. Am I saving myself to be D's girlfriend? I hope this conflict ends soon. I do not want to feel like I am selling myself short while giving his feelings for me time to develop while we are in this together. Am I in an exclusive relationship with D? Is anyone going to agree to my decision of getting into this relationship with D? Will anyone provide approval to what we are doing? What I get is mostly criticism. They don't know the relationship with me and D, how can they judge? They don't know me, neither do they know D, or the history and feelings we've shared with each other (feelings parts wasn't much though). Why is D talking to me about "jerking off" and sexual stuff like that, does that mean that he sees me as easy or is he joking about stuff like that with me?

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