Jump to content

children and the new girlfriend


native

Recommended Posts

Long story but here’s the short version.

 

Wife and I are married for 14 years and have three boys (14, 9 and 5). During the marriage I have felt neglected, used and just plain taken advantage of for reasons to be explained in another story. About 18 months ago I began to have an affair. This past June I finally mustered enough courage to move out and I went to live with my cousin. (I only left due to the marital problems and not the new girl. I wanted to leave sooner but it just never seemed to be the right time and I guess inside I wanted it to work) So.... After I left, the affair began to intensify until finally in September I told my wife about it. Soon after I told my wife I found out that the new girl is pregnant. My wife does not want our boys around the new girl at all. I do understand my wife’s reasons and don’t blame her for feeling the way she does. So my question is this… how and when should I bring the boys around the new girl? I refuse to neglect this new child the same as I will never neglect my first three. But doesn’t some common ground have to be established? It's just getting so hard to keep the two worlds separated!

 

Here is some other background information just to complicate things a little more. The new girl is someone who my children and family have known for some time. She goes to cultural festivals and performs with our group. In August my oldest sister died and then in January my father died. So things have been really rough especially for my oldest son. He says the he wants nothing to do with her or the baby although he did earlier confess to my other sister that he would treat the baby like his other siblings. My mother and family actually like the new girl and are excited about the baby. Mom says that like her, dad would have been really happy to finally see me leave my wife because he knew what I was going through. In fact I haven’t heard of anyone who has been surprised of my leaving. NOT ONE PERSON! The new girl has been understanding and supportive through all of this. Nothing like what I’ve been use to for the past 14 years.

 

Some good advice would be great!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, for one thing, you need to do what is best for your children. You haven't up until this point. You were very careless about this entire situation. You can't expect your oldest child to accept this affair just because there is a new child involved.

 

I'm not even sure what advice I can give you except to take a step back and stop thinking about yourself. Think about all of these children and the damage that's happening to them right now. If you can put yourself in their shoes for a moment, you might be able to make better decisions.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your ex? wife (are you getting divorced?) will not have a say in who your children meet when they are spending time with you. If you have joint custody there is no reason why your sons won't be brothers to your new kid. Just keep in mind that this will be very hard on them.

 

What you did to your wife was horrible even if the marriage wasn't good and she is angry and she has ever right to her emotions about it. I think what is best is get out of the marriage be civil as possible and give her the time and space she needs to heal and move on.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sadly what your children have learned from all of this is something they could end up carrying with them into their own relationships...namely that if you are unhappy in your marriage cheating is okay and it is okay to get the mistress pregnant. Your wife may have been horrible but two wrongs don't make a right. Cheating was not the way to go and it is not surprising that the oldest son is resentful..he is old enough to have a better understanding of the situation. I don't know how close your children are with their mother but it is bound to hurt them seeing their mother feeling the sting of betrayal. I am sure she has a different point of view of why the marriage failed and perhaps it is not all down to her being the horrible one. You need to give your children time to get used to this new situation. You can't rush their acceptance.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So, the question you're asking is when should a man bring his children around his pregnant girlfriend, while he is still married to their mother?

 

Why would you want to expose innocent children to this mess? Do you want them to grow up, and feel that it's ok to cheat on their wife?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What was done by me was as said, simply horrible!!! No excuses… defense. I cannot I argue against what was said. Even she did not deserve what has happened. My main focus right now is the well being of all my children. This new girl and child WILL be a part of all of our lives now. So maybe the question should have been how can I help them recover from this? Thats where I need the help!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What was done by me was as said, simply horrible!!! No excuses… defense. I cannot I argue against what was said. Even she did not deserve what has happened. My main focus right now is the well being of all my children. This new girl and child WILL be a part of all of our lives now. So maybe the question should have been how can I help them recover from this? Thats where I need the help!

 

You can not force them to do it on YOUR time schedule. This has to be when THEY are open to it. As your kids are different ages it may be different for each child.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Actually, i'd talk to your divorce lawyer about this... Depending on where you live and how conservative the judges/court system is, many places they look down on people dating even when separated, let alone knocking up the affair partner.

 

I have seen cases where the judge awards more alimony to the wife in cases like this, as a sort of punitive gesture for flaunting a mistress and openly defying marital vows. In theory it shouldn't affect financial settlements, but it does, and it can certainly affect child custody decisions/arrangements.

 

My suggestion would be that you NOT blend these families until after the divorce is final. Once the divorce is final, no one can have a say in who you see or have around your children unless it is proven they have a really negative effect (i.e., are abusive, drug users etc.).

 

So you need to wait a while out of respect for your FORMER marriage, because you are still legally married until the divorce is finalized. If you live in a conservative area/state, it might really work against you if you are flauting the pregnant mistress in front of your children before the divorce is final.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

btw, once the divorce is final, you can do what you want. At that time, you can freely start mingling you children with your girlfriend and new baby. But it really is a bad idea to do so before the degree is final and all settlement/child custody arrangements have been worked out. Your girlfriend just needs to wait until then, and understand that that is one of the consequences of dating a married man, that she can't really step into the 'wife' or full partner role until the divorce is final, and it is tacky and not wise to try to do so before then.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Take it from one on your wives end of it. You say your family wanted you to get rid of the wife and like the new girl. I think your family is doing the same thing his did to me. No they didn't like me and wanted him to get back with the ex. The thing about it is because you family is only hearing one side of the story, yours. What made them dislike her so much? Could it be what you are telling them. Everyone disliked me. No one was told that he was abusive, put me down, stayed out all night, wouldnt speak to me and gave me the silent treatment for 6 months. He never told any of this. So I think your family is going by what you are telling them. As far as your child. This was done to me too, she wasnt pregnant but he put our child in the bed with her and him. I thought the affair was wrong, but since you have this child on the way you have to deal with her. My child is not close to this woman like he thought he would be. The thing is you can't just put your children around someone. Believe me it effected my son. I don't know what the waiting period is but I think it should be more than a few months. Believe me, it effected our son to be thrown with this woman. People think that it doesnt affect a child to grow up and see their parents split up but it does. Children dont adjust to this like we do.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for everyones advice. I plan on talking to a professional to help me and them at their own pace and have already talked with an lawyer.

 

My family made their judgements based on how she treated them and my children. What she would say and how she acted. My family was never "well off". I became an engineer and she always thought and acted as if we were better than them because of my status. I hate to say but she burned them bridges herself.

 

Im still open for any advice.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

wow...this situation is really messy.

 

it will take a lot of time and patience to get this kind of situation in order and get everyone involved to agree with it, IF they ever do. just don't rush it. the baby will be born, and will be around for a very long time. no need to push her on the children right away. you are wise for getting a professional (counselor?) involved.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you want advice on what is best for the children, then the answer is to not rush throwing them together.

 

In fact, you should not bring them together at all until the divorce is final and the wound is not so fresh. You need to start with small introductions, like just having lunch together at McDonald's or in the park or somewhere the kids enjoy going. Then you slowly need to increase the time you spend together a little at a time, doing fun things that focus on the children and what they like to do.

 

After this has happened for a few months, you might consider having them for full days at your house with this other woman involved.

 

Remember how devastating it is... not only are you replacing their mother with a new woman, you are replacing them with a new baby with the new woman... not literally, but that is how children think... if you dumped their mother for a new woman, will you be dumping them for your new 'family' and kid?

 

So DON'T bring this woman and the new kid into things until the children have a good history of you not abandoning them too, i.e., spending time with them alone for a while, until they have adapted to the divorce. Once they are settled with that, then start bringing them into the new family.

 

I would highly recommend family counseling for the kids and you and your new partner, to help smooth this transition.

 

And your new girlfriend should be very understanding of hte need to go slow with this... if she's not, then she's being selfish and thinking of herself rather than your children.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...