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Boyfriend is being very hurtful


faithful14

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Ok so this thread is following from an old thread I posted about two months ago. So here's the deal: my boyfriend has been preparing for the last three months to take the bar exam and in two weeks it will be time for the test. In the beginning, even though he was getting stressed, he still made an effort to text me and see me at least twice a week.

 

The bar is very time consuming so he said that he feels bad about not hanging out or talking so much. The past couple weeks though have been going bad. He's been getting angry a lot over little things and the arguments have increased. Last night he asked me out of the blue to come over when he was done studying and I didn't see his text until 20 minutes later. When I responded, he said it was too late and that he was going to continue studying. We basically both got mad at one another, he said some very hurtful things and it ended with me in tears. To make it worse, he didn't seem to care at all. He said he needed to go back to studying and left.

 

My friends are telling me that his behavior is the result of him being stressed out about the bar exam and that if I just ignore him for the next two weeks, he'll become a lot nicer. I just wanted to know what you guys think. He's usually a great boyfriend so for him to be acting like this is quite disturbing. I'm really hurting here and would like to know what you guys were to do if you were in my shoes.

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If he's been very stressed out about this, not seeing you as much as he'd like, and getting less sleep than usual I can see why he might be cranky.

 

Wait until about a week after the bar exam, especially if it goes favorably for him. I think you'll recognize him again then.

 

I'm not trying to justify him hurting your feelings but I'm sure to him this is VERY important at the moment and he needs to focus on it. I think after all is said and done he'll try to apologize for his behavior, but right now he's probably very concerned with how this is all going to turn out and he can't handle extra stress/time/drama right now, cutting things short and living on a strict schedule, etc.

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I would wait until after the exam and then sit down and tell him you delt with his behavior because you knew how important this was for him but that being a lawyer is stressful to and you want to know that even in times of hard work and stress that he is going to have time for you.

 

I'm going thru grad school applications right now and I'm super stressed all the time. I've been angry at my boyfriend for no reason but I have been trying to be good to let him know when I see it was just the stress talking and I have gone out of my way to find times when I can put the whole thing aside and give him more then the 30% of me that he has been getting lately. It's hard on him. But sometimes when your going thru so much it's hard to keep your partners and there needs in perspective. It's an important thing to talk about if one or both of you are going to have high stress jobs or lives.

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I just don't see how being stressed out can be an excuse for bad behavior. Sure, I've been stressed during various times in my life and may have had a cranky period for a few days. But I've realized what it's doing to the people around me that I love, and I snapped out of it. Three months?!? That's way too long to be an a**hole. No excuse.

 

I always see stressful times as a real acid test of a relationship. Are you being supportive and understanding? If I were in his shoes, it would be nice to have someone cook a nice dinner every once in a while. Maybe a back rub and cuddle before bedtime to help him relax. I would come out and ask for that, if you couldn't "read my mind."

 

But is your partner even TRYING to be pleasant and make SOME time for you? It doesn't sound like it. Is this how it's going to be the inevitable stressful events come up in the future? Like interviewing for his first job, proving himself for the first year or so, or what about when you have kids?

 

I'd give him two more weeks, but then I would expect a major turn around and an apology. If that doesn't occur, I'd really give some serious thought to the prospect of continuing this relationship.

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Do you guys think maybe he is losing interest in me and that's why he has been acting so crazy. I mean, I have been stressed out and have been mean to him too. But I never cross the line and I always apologize in the end. I'm just soo confused.

 

Who knows. For now, I would wait for that conversation until the bar is over. Why have you been stressed out?

 

We all have events in life that take a toll on us. At the same time, we need to be able to manage our emotions & not destroy all of our relationships during those brief, stressful times. If it's very rare that things get like this, I think you could move past it. But if you guys are constantly fighting whenever things in your life are not perfect smooth sailing, you're going to be spending a lot more time fighting than doing anything else. If it's a pattern, it needs to be broken if you want the relationship to survive.

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Stress might be the entire reason why he's being mean to you, but it doesn't make it okay. There are going to be stressful issues all throughout life and if this is how he's going to handle it, which it very well may be, then Id see it as a red flag. As far as what to do, all I can suggest is to proceed with caution.

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Do you guys think maybe he is losing interest in me and that's why he has been acting so crazy. I mean, I have been stressed out and have been mean to him too. But I never cross the line and I always apologize in the end. I'm just soo confused.

 

I wouldn't assume he's losing interest. Ouside stressors (bar exam) are what's probably causing his negative behaviour. I agree with your friends, try to give him his room to study over the next few weeks and see if things improve. He probably feels overwhelmed with work. I remember when I was in my last year of engineering I was literally loosing it when prepping for exams, otherwise I'm a relaxed person. I didn't have a girlfriend at the time but thinking back now had I had one I probably would be hard to deal with. I put my money on big improvement between the two of you when his studies are over. Good luck.

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I would wait until after the exam and then sit down and tell him you delt with his behavior because you knew how important this was for him but that being a lawyer is stressful to and you want to know that even in times of hard work and stress that he is going to have time for you.

 

I agree with this. I'd advise patience for now, followed by a mature, sincere discussion later on. Accountability is vital - but so is patience and timing.

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Would it be best then to not take his calls or just not talk to him for a couple days? Or should I talk to him? I'm unsure as to what plan of action I should take here.

 

Take his calls but don't initiate any unless you hear from him. Bare with him until these exams are over but like most have said, if there is not major improvement and an apology, then you should have a serious talk with him on what's really going on.

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Do you guys think maybe he is losing interest in me and that's why he has been acting so crazy. I mean, I have been stressed out and have been mean to him too. But I never cross the line and I always apologize in the end. I'm just soo confused.

 

Try to stay positive hon. The more likely scenario is that in two weeks, you will find him to be attentive and caring again. Observe his behavior. After the bar, talk to him about whatever bothered you.

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Stress Can make us do or say stupid things sometimes. You have to try and understand where he is coming from. I highly doubt he loosing interest in you. He is just trying to stay focused. I wouldn't ignore him completely for the next two weeks that will just show him that u don't care. Put yourself in his shoes, try and image what u would be doing and how you would be feeling and what you would want from your partner. I would say Just let him know you love him, you understand, and you are there for whatever he needs. Be supportive when he needs it most. Know what I mean?

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