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My story, could use some advice (even though I suspect I know what you're going to say)

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I have been on here for a while but have never posted my story because it’s really not that interesting. (curiocity, sorry this is a rerun for you)..


I was only seeing this guy for 6 months, however, it was the first time I felt like it was real love, we planned the future, planned on moving in together, etc. I was a commitment phobe before him. He introduced me to his daughter and mother and everything was the most perfect It could have been. Then things started to slowly unravel in his life. He lost his business (in that came his loss of his housing because he lived in the business), he had some issues w/his daughter and ex wife that were pretty traumatic, and his life got uprooted w/in a matter of months. The contact slowed down but he kept assuring me even though he had to really focus on other things, he still loved me and that he didn’t WANT it to be this way. Then the depression started to take hold (he started telling me about THAT, too). I really didn’t know how bad it was going to get but he kept saying ‘this is not YOU, but I don’t know how bad this is really going to get’…and he slowly started to drop off the face of the planet (no facebook, no contact w/our mutual friends). He stopped calling as much and eventually not for days at a time. Then I’m fed up at work one day and I get a call w/him sobbing telling me his grandfather (who had raised him) had colon cancer and they didn’t’ expect him to live much longer. He wanted me to fly down there and be w/him for the weekend and help him get stuff packed up, comfort him, etc (it was a long distance thing)


At the same time this was going on, my mom had a severe stroke back in Ohio, I am in NYC trying to finish up law school and I also work full time. On top of dealing w/a long distance (what was left of a ) relationship, and all this, it caused a little mini depressive disorder (just getting out of) and breakdown myself, at the same time my ex was having his. So I told him that last week he called “I’m not as strong as you think I am, you are destroying me, I am not sure I can come down there.” He told me a few days later he felt ashamed for asking me to come knowing all I was going thru up here and also because of the way he had been treating me (due to the depression).


So he slowed the communication, and the last conversation we had, he said he didn’t want it to be this way but that he was going to disappear for a while and get his life back on track. I also am finding out there is more mental illness than I thought, and also he also was realizing that he is also always a victim (how very ‘victim’ of him to tell me this). I suspect at the age of 32, he has moved back in w/his mom and is trying to get back on his feet. He’s very ashamed of his life, he also doesn’t have an education to fall back on, and was pretty heavily involved in one industry that he is trying to leave. Okay..that said….


I sent him 2 text messages after that last conversation 3 months ago. The last thing I heard from him was “I’m sorry, you don’t deserve this. I think I am having a nervous breakdown.” I have been good in the NC area. I’m very stubborn myself.


It’s been 3 months. I am starting to put the pieces back together in my life. I’m back at the gym, back training for marathons, back going to concerts, doing yoga, seeing a shrink (who by the way really resembles Senor Cheng on Community). I know everyone on here says not to contact, there’s no point, especially if you want a response. I would really like to reach out to him now that I’m feeling better and I have perspective on what’s happened, I don’t know what it will change. I don’t think it’s a case of ‘he’s just not that into you’ or he didn’t want me. and YES



Here are my questions:

1. Has anyone else had a relationship torn apart by depression or a person with a mental illness? (assuming that’s what this is) *even when we first started dating, he mentioned dealing w/some depression in the past so this not something that I had never heard before this

2. Does it sound like I am ready to initiate that contact and not be completely demolished by a non response.

3. Not really a question, but am I a total ass for even asking? Of course I should stay NC. (I figured I would save most of you the time and just add in #3)




Any comments would be helpful. All the advice you guys have been giving has been superb.

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PennlyLane, I am sorry for this.


However, my opinion is you should check on him as to how he is doing. This is just my personal opinion that he can either take it that you care about him or that you are trying to intrude (when he asked to to leave him alone). Let it be his decision.


But if I was the guy, I would feel good to been asked how I am doing by you and if I am not interested in a relationship with you right now, I would just say that I am still trying to cope but felt happy that you asked.



Again, its my personal opinion. Also it depends on whether you want to get back with this guy or not. or what you are expecting out of this contact.

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You sound like a very compassionate person.


If you can handle it, you can show him that you accept him and support him as a person. It is a good think to do. People in that circumstance are just trying to survive.


Honestly I don't think his rejection of the relationship has much validity. He does not sound like a whole person. His "rejection" of you sounds like a preemptive self-defense to guard against his own lack of self-worth. It is tough not to take it personally but you really can't. Depressed people push others away when they so desperately want unconditional acceptance themselves.


Don't think in terms of getting romantic validation from him if he is still suffering. If that is what you are looking for you are probably going to be disappointed.


What you can do is encourage him to get help, treatment, support, open up, and not be ashamed of his condition. It is not his fault . There is hope for those who suffer from it. Think in terms that until he treats his condition this is not the real him. Let him know he can get better and you'd like to get to know the real him, if you want.

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