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I am not good at relationships....I need a lot of alone time, I am insecure, I am jealous, and I push people away out of a fear of getting hurt.

 

Needless to say, I am single a LOT. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half for the second time. I liked him, I don't know if I loved him. We had a lot in common.....but there were things that I just couldn't get over while we were dating so I called it off. I worry though that I made a mistake and my insecurities led me to throw away a good relationship...and that I may never meet someone I connect with again. However, I also remember how miserable I was while I was with him and think that I would rather be alone than "settle".

 

The main problems were that I couldn't trust him, and he didn't make be feel special or loved. He was a very private person, and kept his emotions under wraps. He would also tend to be kind of secretive....he would get texts while I was with him, read them, frown, and not tell me who they were from. I sometimes felt that he was holding his phone so I couldn't read the screen.

 

He never told me that he liked me, or loved me except when he was drunk, and then his statements were so over-the-top, "you complete me", "you are perfect", "I have been looking for you my whole life", that I found them hard to believe.

 

He also would constantly talk about women in his past.....for example if I said I liked something, "Oh, all the girls I dated liked that too." I got a new job recently, and was really excited about the direction my career was taking. When I called him, overjoyed at hearing the good news, he started talking about how happy his ex-wife was when she got her law degree, and how happy his ex-girlfriend was when she got a promotion. I was devastated.

 

He was also still in contact with his ex-girlfriend, and talked about her a lot. When we broke up for a period, he dated her for a bit, though he was also sleeping with two other women at the time. His ex is a bit of a nut, but she is clearly pining away for him and I felt his treatment of her was shabby. When I broke up with him for good this last time, he went back to her and told her that he broke up with me because he still loves her.

 

BUT, we had so much fun together, he is funny, smart, successful, interesting, and I really enjoyed our time together. When I would call him out on his behavior, he would say I was being insecure, or that me pushing him away (which I did!) made him feel insecure so he would do these things to hurt me. I would try not to push him then, but he would still bring up his exes constantly.

 

After our break-up, I was getting texts and calls from him. He would call crying, and sent messages about how he was empty without me. Meanwhile, I am pretty sure he was seeing his ex because she sent me an email saying that they were back together and asking me what had happened between us because she didn't want him back if he was only with her because I dumped him. I didn't respond to the email.

 

I am no longer hearing from him....and even with all of his problems, I feel sad and I miss him. We are both pretty damaged people, and maybe I should have been more accepting of his insecurities and emotional messes. All of my friends are married or in long-term relationships and once again I will be single on Valentine's day. I am feeling very depressed. We broke up in the midst of a big fight, and I stormed out of his house angry and really never explained my true feelings, or heard his. I am tempted to try to contact him to have some sort of talk, but I don't know what this would achieve.

 

Did I make a mistake? How can I move on from this? I find myself thinking of him constantly, would a final talk help or hurt?

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it sounds like you did the right thing. without trust you cannot have a healthy, happy or fufilling relationship.

 

i would say this - work on getting to the root cause of your insecurities and other things you see as issues. a certain amount of jealousy is normal. pushing people away because of fear of getting hurt is not.

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