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What should I do?


bohma123

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My girlfriend broke up with me two weeks ago after 2 and a half years of being together and I want her back so badly. Over the last couple of months I havent been myself and we had been fighting occasionally but still were very happy together. 2 weeks ago we both had a few drinks on us and ended up having a fight that turned into her breaking up with me.

 

I have begged her to take me back but she is not budging as she doesnt believe me that I have changed this time and she doesnt want to end up in the same situation again. I love her so much and have got such a wake up call fro this break up that I know I can change and go back to the way things were. I know that she still loves me, and still has feelings for me and but she is so determined not to take me back.. I have tried everything, a number of texts, a love cd, a 5 page essay telling her how I feel but still no change..

 

What should I do?? Am I trying to hard?? Should I just give her space?? Or should I just let go and go our separate ways??

 

I love her so much and had plans to spend the rest of my life with her, and cant picture anyone else coming close to how I feel about her.. She is such an amazing person..

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Give her space....she seems determined that she wants this break

 

You need to take some time to actually change. Unfortunately, while you believe that you may have changed this time, its only been 2 weeks and that is not enough to prove that you have changed for the better and for good.

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My situation is almost identical to yours. Together with the same girl for about 3 years with a breakup in between. Got her back and two weeks ago we had a fight that led her to breakup with me. What I learned from the first time she broke up with me (over a year ago), is that you've got to give her the initial time and space.

 

Now that we're broken up again, thats what Im going to do. Youve gotta give her time and space for her to sort all her issues out. At the same time, you get a chance to get stronger and smarter, so that a few weeks or months go by and she comes back, youll be better than ever. In the end youve got to hope and believe that the love that was shared throughout the relationship will be strong enough to bring us back together. But for you and me both, we've gotta back off for a little bit and let them sort things out.

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You've discovered the first basic rule of breaking up... begging and pleading is the worst thing you can do (though most everyone reacts this way in one form or another). Not working, is it? The good news is that it's only been 2 weeks. You need to back off now... as in completely. Your first consideration needs to be achieving emotional stability for yourself. That's going to be impossible if you keep chasing her right now.

 

As for "change", consider that awareness isn't change. People don't resolve their inner conflicts and issues in 2 weeks - thus her reluctance to 'believe' your statements. As you back off from her, turn your focus to what you need to do for yourself.

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I understand that giving her time and space is the best thing to do, but it just so hard to sit here and not try and do something about it.. Its valentines day tomorro.. Should I send her something small?? Or should I just cease all contact and hope that she misses me and wants me back?? She knows how much I love her and throughout our relationship always told me how much she loved me and how I was her soulmate..

 

It seems like its really easy for her to cut me off over the last couple of weeks, and after talking to her every single day throughout our relationship, to just stop all contact now is very upsetting and confusing for me..

 

Would love to know whats going through her head!!

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You have to give her what she wants while at the same time protect yourself. I'm going through a very similar situation at the moment.

 

I was in a 5 1/2 year realtionship that I thought was perfect. We both love each other very much. When she broke up with me I couldn't understand how she could be so cavalier about the whole thing. Eventually I realized that I was only pushing her farther away and making myself look weak by pursuing her.

 

I still want her more than ever and can't stop thinking about her every minute of everyday. The whole nc contact thing is fairly healthy and allows you to not feel rejected day after day while at the same time gives your girl a chance to actually miss you. She won't forget.

 

As for now, I would not send anything for Valentine's Day. I thought long and hard about it myself and have decided against it. I can't lie. In many respects I see it as a manipulative ploy. I hope that she sees it as a sign that I'm strong and mean what I say when I told her that I wouldn't be talking to her. Many on here suggest that nc is for you not her. I agree a lot with that. They also say it shouldn't be about getting her back. This, I somewhat disagree with. Dating is a game. We do what we think is necessary to get the girl. For me nc is the 'best' strategy to get her back. That's what I'm trying to do. There's no question about it.

 

Emotions are all over the place right now. I'm sure her's are too. But for now you're on two different timetables. It's weird, but it's like your moving in an opposite direction to where she needs to move and it feels like you may be getting farther apart. If everything works out you'll come full circle. At least I hope that's where it ends up.

 

I understand wanting to talk to her and try. There's so much to say and explain and reveal all of the revelatory stuff that has exposed itself to you since the breakup. The time will come when you can do that and more importantly show that. Don't give up focus on your problems with the realtionship fix them for yourself and the realtionship.

 

I have people tell me all the time, "You have to do it for you not her." That's true, but let's be honest there were probably a lot of things that you wanted to change or fix or balance while you were in the realtionship, but for whatever reason comfort or complaceny kept you in a rut. That was my experience at least.

 

So now I'm focusing on the half of me that led me to disappointment. I told my girl that I would travel with her a alot. Now I have to travel on my own. I told her that I would take some language and cooking classes with her. So now I'm taking Spanish. I told her that I would snowboard with her, but istead I rode my bike too much. Now I have to snoboard without her. That'a very short list, but the fact is I alsways wanted to those things with her. I just didn't. I pretended that if only there were more hours in the day or more days in the week that I could do everything for me and everything for her. Instead I ended up being really mediocre at a few things instead of great at the only thing that matters to me.

 

Hang in there and don't give up. Read what people have to say here and adapt it to your situation and instincts. You're only able to reveal so much about your paricular situation her. I have faith things will work out for you and me.

 

Eric

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Thanks Eric,

 

Thats sound advice, and I hope to god your right for both our sakes.. Its mad how for a couple of hours I feel fine and my mind is elsewhere but then suddenly ill think of something (a happy memory, unfullilled plans we had, what if she finds someone else) and suddenly I start feeling sorry for myself again..

 

I really do hope its an experience I never have to go through again, but I suppose thats life and everything happens for a reason..

 

Im gonna give the nc a try anyway and just pray for the best and hey, if she doesnt miss me or doesnt contact me maybe she wasnt the woman I thought she was anyway..

Her loss as they say.. She will be doing very well to find a person who loves her as much as I do..

 

Thanks for your help, any other advice from anyone would be greatly appreciated..

Hope all works out for you Eric

 

Thanks again

 

D

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over two weeks now and still no word.. After 2 and a half years of seeing, talking and telling me that she loves me more than anything in the world, i really dont know what the hell is going on!! How can she just stop all contact with me as simple as that?..

 

Really upset and worried but determined to continue with nc and pray to god..

Its just about all I can do right now.. I need a miracle!

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we would fight the odd time over small enough things and 2 weeks ago we had an argument and she broke up with me. The reason she says she wont get back with me is that she doesnt believe I will change and we will just end up back in the same situation..

 

I know that this time I can change and will never want to feel like this again but she wont even give me the chance to prove to her.. I know she still loves me and I know that she is probably asking herself if she is making the right decision.. But I also know that she is fairly stubborn so wont give in, and probably has friends advising her just to let go and thats what makes this even harder..

 

I love her to absolute bits, and I know as time goes on things prob will get better, but I dont want them to just get better.. I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl and up until a couple of weeks ago she felt the same way about me...

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If you do change, what will you change into? Would you change into someone else just to please her? If you got back together, would you avoid confrontation with her just to please her? Are you changing for you or her?

 

Do you remember the type of person you were before the relationship? What about towards the end? Did you get lazy or something? Were you too nice? Did you not show her enough attention?

 

Also, you are using NC as an attempt to get your ex back which is not it's intended purpose.

 

Instead, you should be focusing on healing and moving on as you may never get another chance with this particular woman. It sucks and I was in the same position you're in a few months ago, but it does get better with time.

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Yeah i understand the point you are trying to make and in some ways agree with you, but the best thing about our relationship was that before we got with eachother I wasnt half the man I am today and have put so much time and effort into the last two and a half years that it is extremely frustrating that she can just call an end to it and just cease all contact with me..

We werent just bf/gf, we were the best of friends and got on so well together..

Yes I admit over the last couple of months I took what we had for granted and maybe was a bit lazier than when we first met.

I wouldnt be so upset or anxious if I had of done something serious to warrant a break up (like did the dirt on her or something) but the fact of the matter is I know in my heart that I didnt really do anything so bad to end things like this, and thats what is going to haunt me for a long time to come..

 

I know for sure see still loves me, and thats gotta count for something!!

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ok so after a couple of weeks nc, she texted me asking me if we could meet up for a chat and she had some things to give back to me.. I agreed so we went for a drive.. It was a bit awkward at first but eventually it felt like old times.. I didnt mention the break up at all and kept it at small chat but eventually we ended up telling eachother exactly how we felt about everything and she said it was good to know where we both stood. She said she still loved me to bits but felt she wasnt ready to give me another chance yet as she wasnt sure if I could change..

 

Then the following day she asked me if I woeld come out to our friends grave to visit him (one of our very good friends died 2 and a half years ago). She is moving away for three months today, as part of placement for college and wanted to visit him before she went.. I agreed but we ended up spending 3 hours together (visited her granny and grand dad, brought her to the shop to collect an order) and the whole time I remained really friendly and nice and didnt mention anything about being head over heels in love with her and badly wanting to get back with her..

 

So when I dropped her home we said our goodbyes and tears came to both our eyes.. We both said I love you and then she ran inside.. I drove home absolutely balling my eyes out and remained upset for the rest of the day.. I was so confused.. It seemed like she felt the same way about me but it was if there was some force stopping her from letting me know this..

 

Later on that night I went to bed and decided to revert back to NC when I got a text from her.

"I just want you to know that im going to really miss you. I love you to bits and pray that we stay really good friends cos I couldnt picture my life without you in it. Im so proud of how your doing and how your getting your life back on track. I will text you tomorrow and let you know I have landed safely and have settled in. Night x"

 

I replied that I felt the same way and wished her all the best and that if she ever needed anyone while she was away that I am only a quick phonecall away..

 

What does all of this mean?? I am so confused that I dont know what to think..

It seems to me like she just wants to be very close friends but I dont want that.. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, I love her so much..

 

Was I right in seeing her before she left and breaking NC?

 

What should I do now?

Go back to Nc or continue with Lc??

 

What would be the best way to approach all of this in order to get her back as my girlfriend??

 

Thanks all

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Wow Im so sorry to hear all of this for you. I can tell by reading you rposts that you are reallly hurting about this. Breaking up with someone your truly love is really hard and I commend you for going NC because I am absolutely falling apart with my NC and its only been a day. I personally think you did the right thing by seeing her before she left because if you didnt it probably would have eaten you up alive. And you would always wonder what if. At least you know for sure that she still loves you and cares for you just like you knew. But you have to ask yourself wht is it that she wants you to change so much that she is clearly stopping herself from going back into the relationship with you? And I am also wondering is there something going on with her personally that maybe she isnt telling you? I know everyone on here is adamant about the NC but maybe once she has left you can contact her just once after she has called to let you know she has landed safe. And just touch base with her to see how she's adjusting when she's away and that she is doing alright. But as much as you know in your heart that you really want to be with her forever it seems like she still needs some more time. So even if you guys get to being friends again try not to bombard her with too much. You dont want to scare her off. At this point it would be better to take things slow. Keep working on the things that you feel like you need to change about you. Hopefully with time you guys can reconnect in that way again and she will allow herself to let you back in. But if you do contact keep it LC. Go slow. All you can do is lover her and let ehr go and pray that she will find her way back to you on her own. Wow i'm really pulling for you!!

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yeah i figured thats the best thing to do alright.. Its just the thoughts of her finding someone else while she is away is eating away at me or thinking back on all the happy times we had together and wondering if she thinks back on them aswell..

 

The next few weeks are going to be the toughest of my life.. She is the first person i think about when I wake up in the morning and the last person I think about going to sleep..

 

Hope all works out for you soulshearchin.. Nc is tough going but really does have to be done..

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she rang me earlier to ask if I would go on skype to talk to her for a while so I did, and we ended up talking for 15 mins through video skype.. We were getting on great and she was just telling me how she has settled in and how she is getting on..

 

What does this mean?? Is she just remaining as really good friends with me or does this mean something more than this?? What should i do?? Remain with NC?

 

Seeing her made me realise how beautiful she is and how much I love her to bits.. Should I tell her this??

 

Please help!

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Thanks for your reply in my topic. I think the key for us is to NOT overanalyse things (which is obviously far easier said than done). The only thing that matters is that we aren't currently with our girlfriends and they KNOW that if they didn't want things that way then they could do something about it. They know how much we care and how we feel about them as we've made that perfectly clear but they aren't on the phone asking us to get back together so that obviously isn't what they want right now. I think repeating anything that has been said before is needless, only harming our chances of getting back together and delaying our process of healing. We must be strong, realistic and know that even if things don't work out as we'd hope things will still all be ok... eventually.

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yeah life really is terrible sometimes.. im so close to just giving up on her, and maybe thats a good thing in a way.. the last few weeks have been so lonely and although I love her to bits, Im kind of beginning to resent her for putting me through this..

 

I know thats unfair, and that she doesnt mean to make me feel this way but at the same time she knows she could have me back with the click of a finger and I think that she enjoys knowing that.. I dunno, maybe im reading to far into it, but im heartbroken and she is always on my mind..

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Time and space is your friend. You're in a great position in comparison to a lot of people on here who don't get any contact or speak to their ex's.

 

The door seems open for you guys, rushing or kicking it in is not going to help. It seems like your need more work on yourself as you're still highly emotional about the situation, I've been there too, but it's not going to help you get her back.

 

Time and space will help heal you, try to stay busy doing other things and try not to over-analyze things - easier said than done, but believe me if you still want her back it's the best and really the only way forward.

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i understand thats the best way forward, but what if in that time and space she gets used to not being with me or worse finds someone else.. I know that is over analyzing a situation but it is a fair point?

 

As u said your self i am fairly emotional and dont think i would ever be able to get back with her if she got with someone else while I was apart.. I know its easy to say "well then it wasnt to be" but I fear time and space will lead to this.. Thanks for your advice, just talking to someone who went throughthe same feelings im going through helps so much..

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i understand thats the best way forward, but what if in that time and space she gets used to not being with me or worse finds someone else.. I know that is over analyzing a situation but it is a fair point?

 

As u said your self i am fairly emotional and dont think i would ever be able to get back with her if she got with someone else while I was apart.. I know its easy to say "well then it wasnt to be" but I fear time and space will lead to this.. Thanks for your advice, just talking to someone who went throughthe same feelings im going through helps so much..

 

aw buddy....this must be so hard for you!

 

i do worry that the time apart, spesh since its actually other side of world will make their break up & moving on faster, and easier, while we're 'stuck' at home nursing it harder...but the friendly texts hurt, and I had to make the decision of NC for me to move on and not think about him and his whatever.

 

i dont know if this is the right thing for you tho...but do you want to be 'just friends' when she comes back ? if its a no, then i would go NC and heal for yourself

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I really dont know if I want to stay friends with her. And thats such a weird thing for me to say because she was my best friend for the last two and a half years.. I might be selfish in saying that but she really hurt me over the last few weeks in the way she has gone about things and now she just expects us to go back to the way we were without being bf/gf..

 

I can feel myself slowly but surely healing but then I think of a good memory or her beautiful face and it all comes flooding back to me.. Its difficult, but Im definitely better now than I was a couple of weeks ago..

 

By Nc do you mean if she texts me or skypes me, to ignore her?? is that not a bit rude??thanks for all your replies.. much appreciated

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