My plan to get him back!

[MACaddict]

My husband filled for divorce this Chiristmas and we have been separated since. We had no contact for the first three weeks, I was hurt and miserable since I did not see it coming and he basically stabbed me in the back with the divorce and all the accusations. We have been married for 1 1/2 years but together for about 4 and I DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE. I did suggest counseling but he does not want it.

 

A lot of couples have it though their first year of marriage and I am in love with my husband and I want to make it work. We got back in contact mid January and we have been talking almost everyday and if I am not taking to him one day he makes sure he reminds me of it. He says he misses me, he loves me yet he still wants to send me the divorce papers. Confusing!

 

So my plan is to jump in my car next week and go see him. He does not know that. I don´t want him to know actually. I want to go there and talk to him face to face and ask him for another chance. I feel like I can not give up on my marriage without fighting for it. I have been working on myself even if it has not been that long, but at least I know what to work on and now I just need him to want to give it another try. I am desperate and extremely lonely without him. I know that it was easier for him to not see me but that once he will see me again, hopefully we both can come to a wise decision to stay together and have a happy ending to my misery.

 

Do you guys have any advise on how to approach him and have him want give our marriage a chance. I know I need a plan, a good plan and to keep my cool, be as kind as I have been since we separated and look my best.

 

Anyone has any good advice for me? I would appreciate it!!

[MakestheBest]

why are you divorcing? What are the issues?

[fLuiD]

Showing up unexpectedly is a bad idea. This sounds like it might turn for the worse. I suggest you ask him to talk. If he says no, then back off. If you show up unexpectedly, the police may get involved and you will make a donkey's rear end of yourself.

[ToF]

I'm interested in knowing why he asked for a divorce as well. What reasons did he give you?

[MACaddict]

There has been a lot of misunderstandings, a lot of frustration with lack of jobs and not feeling all that accomplished, a few harsh words on both sides that were not appropriate and I have truly been sorry for it and he did said he forgive me for it. Also a lot of time in front of our individual laptops, a lot of non communication and honestly I have been really frustrated with his siblings being on our business maybe more than necessary so that made me look like a crazy unstable lady when I addressed the issue but he did not see it...

 

I can work on all my flaws, I have leaned my lesson and I can accept anyone, he is worth that much for me.

[pumpkinmoon]

I agree that turning up would be a bad idea.

[ToF]

It sounds to me like you're taking more than your share of the responsibility here, don't you think MACaddict?

[CaptainNapalm]

Showing up unexpectedly is a bad idea. This sounds like it might turn for the worse. I suggest you ask him to talk. If he says no, then back off. If you show up unexpectedly, the police may get involved and you will make a donkey's rear end of yourself.

 

I second that. If you show up unannounced it may irritate him rather than make him happy. In addition, he may be caught off guard and not have the time to talk to you then. Deep conversations about reconsiliation are always best done pre-planned where both people have had time to prepare and think about what is going to be talked about. If I were you I wouldn't try to impose yourself on him and if he wants you back, he will come back on his own.

[High5girl]

I'm another one who feels that showing up unplanned isn't the best idea. As it was suggested, ask if he could met with you so that you two can talk. If meeting in person isn't for him, ask if you can talk on the phone about the issues.

Just b/c he still loves you and misses you...doesn't mean he wants to stay in the marriage. What he's feeling is a normal feeling to have after a break up.

If he is dead set on divorcing, there might not be much you can do. Sometimes a person gets to the point where they have had enough and won't do it anymore.

 

When talking to him, don't make it all about you. You have to see his side tho. Don't tell him things that you think he wants to hear. That never works b/c often they turn out to be empty promises. Be honest and good luck.

[MACaddict]

[it sounds to me like you're taking more than your share of the responsibility here, don't you think MACaddict?]

 

Could you please explain it why you think that?

[ToF]

MACaddict,

 

This is what I noticed:

"a few harsh words on both sides that were not appropriate and I have truly been sorry for it and he did said he forgive me for it."

 

Both of you said harsh things to each other, but you only mentioned how sorry YOU were.

 

"that made me look like a crazy unstable lady when I addressed the issue but he did not see it..."

 

Addressing an issue that you feel is important for the health of your relationship should not make you feel crazy or unstable. Especially if the concern is legitimate, which it sounds like it was.

 

"I can work on all my flaws, I have leaned my lesson and I can accept anyone, he is worth that much for me."

 

What flaws are these, and what about his? And what "lesson" are we talking about here?

 

These are just the things I noticed from your post..

-TOF

[MACaddict]

Thank you. I am feeling guilty of course and I feel like I pushed him away, too far with all my nagging. Those are the flaws I am referring. I have said sorry for all the unkind words I said and I truly feel sorry but he can not get over it. He did say he forgave me and I did forgive him.

 

I too felt that addressing the issue that it is important to me was for the health of our relationship but he did not think so and probably still does not see it.

 

Learning my lesson I am referring to as in being apart and in a middle of a divorce is not what I want, I am miserable.

[ToF]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

 

I really think that you're being way too hard on yourself. I'm sure he made a lot of mistakes too. Everyone does, you know? And you really can't forgive him unless you forgive yourself.

 

I think you should forget about going to see him and take some time to grieve. Let all this negative stuff out and start rebuilding. If you go to him now, you'll bring all of this dark, sadness with you and it won't go well. I promise.

 

Here for ya!

 

-TOF

[minou]

I have the same impulse to just show up and see my husband, but I don't because I don't think it will go well. People don't tend to respond well to being surprised that way in the midst of angst. You know your husband better than we do though. I know it would totally turn my husband off. I want to stress the impulse is so understandable. Why do you have to divorce right away? why not ask to just be separated for now and take space apart for a little while. You can let him know exactly how you feel about the mistakes, that you feel the marriage deserves a pause rather than a total break. Then perhaps, after a little healing time has past,

you could meet more fruitfully. At the end of the day though it's your choice. Know I'm here for you and feel free to message me directly if you wish. Good luck.

[MACaddict]

Thank you for your advice. I am still planning on going to meet him but I realized it is for the best to let him know I am going. I still haven´t figured out a plan and that worries me. I feel like I am in high school all over again. I do not want to ruin it.

 

I miss him so much! Happy V´day to me!!!

[minou]

Good luck!

[AutumnBorn]

Thank you for your advice. I am still planning on going to meet him but I realized it is for the best to let him know I am going. I still haven´t figured out a plan and that worries me. I feel like I am in high school all over again. I do not want to ruin it.

 

I miss him so much! Happy V´day to me!!!

 

 

What I'm about to tell you is going to sound very negative, but it is the only way to really save your marriage (it's the abridged version of the book Uncoupling).

 

Every uncoupling starts with a secret. The secret is that the person who initiates the breakup is unhappy. It doesn't matter why, they just are.

 

For the past several months, the person initiating the breakup has been working their way out of the relationship. They've been experimenting, starting to find new friends, redefining the relationship as too negative to stay in. By the time the partner finds out that the relationship is in trouble, it's too late to save it - the initiator is emotionally gone.

 

Going to see your ex is absolutely the worst thing you can do. He initiated the break, so he must initiate the return. The ONLY way you can facilitate this is by your redefining the relationship as very, very negative - more negative than he redefined it. You have to start behaving in ways that are unexpected. Stop taking his calls, stop apologizing, tell him that you've reconsidered and realize that he was right - divorce may be the best thing for both of you.

 

By asking him to give it another shot, you almost guarantee the death of your marriage.

 

How do you win him back? By moving forward. By living your life as if he were insignificant. Get a decent job. Start exercising. Start taking French or violin or sewing classes. Join a book or film club. Start becoming fascinating. That's the only way you can make him want to be with you - start fascinating him.

 

If you can, go get the book. It's difficult to read, but the last fifty pages or so are the key to saving your relationship, but as I said, I've given you the (very) abridged version.

 

Good luck!

[MACaddict]

I think every situation it is different and I do not see how asking for another change will guarantee anything. I read so much online about getting back together, but it all seem like a stupid game. How can you tell your loved one that you agree with the break up when you don't and know that is a lie. My husband is not stupid and if I tell him that divorce is the best for ME and him, he will not buy it. It would be a lie on my side and I want to work on my marriage. I sometimes wish marriage would come with a manual, but it did not, a lot of mistakes were made but it can be fixed if we are willing to give our 100%. I know I am. I just wish he will want to.

[sundrop]

macaddict,

Trust me, dont go and confront him, face to face. he will only feel pushed in a corner and trapped.

 

I was married for a year and a helf. We dated for seven before we got married. When we sepperated I made the mistake of thinking "well if I go over there and he "sees" me, he will change his mind" and we can talk ect.. Well what a mistake that was, we had the biggest fight ever. He felt trapped, he felt like I pushed him into a corner and he came out swinging.

 

If you feel you want to talk to him face to face, then tell him that, but dont just surprise him with a visit, you might end up seeing something you dont want to see.

 

Right now, the best thing that you can do is work on yourself. Work through some of the "issues" you feel that you have, not just for this relationship but any other in the future, but more importantly for yourself.