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girl who feels unattractive : In need of general ecouragement


ledi

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This is probably not the first thread of this kind, so sorry to bore you with my pathetic insecurities..

 

I am a female in my early 20s, and I think either (a) I must be so inadequate or (b) i've just had the most insanely bad luck with men.

 

I am the small kind.. I am very slim, just above average height, but I am verrry slim like size 6 UK. I don't have wobbly curves, big breasts or much "booty" to speak of. Basically I'm 34-23-35, and more athletic with prominent colar bones... I'm not tanned, in fact I am VERY pale with a wild mess of curly hair that kinda sets me off balance.

 

I know in myself somewhere I'm not ugly, and that some women wish they had my figure but I still find it really hard to not hate myself, mainly due to the guys I'm with.

 

I have had comments by so far 3 of my exes (including my kinda ex who i'm still not brave enough to let go of) saying that my t*ts aren't "that big" but my "personality makes up for it." And "oh my god you ARE so skinny"

 

I really struggle with my size because of these comments. I am very waifish and slim and in no way voluptious.

 

My current bf has a particular thing for unbelievably sized breasts.. i mean he has admited this to me AND commented on my lacking of breasts. I keep finding his porn in the house and sitting in his bookmarks, and it's ALL of fake breasts, and of Anime porn movies catered especially for unrealistically big breasts, and naturally huge breasts that cover almost all of the upper body.. his fantasies are bordering on deformed here.. i mean women with these sizes have serious health problems. He has spoke about his exes whilst in bed with me, "she was a big girl" and told me about all the crazy times when he used to drink her milk

 

I had the pleasure of meeting his exes and.. ok these women's breasts were bigger than them.

 

He has also slyly dropped in to conversation safer and "less expensive" options for breast enlargement.

 

All of his preferences are the polar opposite from what I am, and he has made that pretty clear. And so have some of my exes but no where near as directly as him.

 

but I do HAVE breats, I am a 32b, it's not like I have a totally flat chest.

 

I just find it hard to look in the mirror because I've been bombared with an image of heaping breasts that hang outwards from my body further than the size of my actual rib cage..

 

Do all men have this preference?? Is it possible that there are men out there that have a thing for the small bodied, slim type?

 

Have I just had a case of bad matching and bad luck with men so far?

 

I have a male friend who rants and raves about "skinny chicks" his girlfriend (who is one of my best friends too) has an almost identical figure to me, so much we sometimes swap dresses and tops. He has said that he prefers that body type and always had, and showed me photographs of actresses he said are perfect to him and they were very slim and this gave me a lot of confidence!!

 

Sorry for the insane rant, I just need to find a way to like my body, I want to know of ways to show it off, that not all men love unbelievably sized breasts and are not unsatisfied with slim types, that perhaps a small waist is also a desirable feature.

 

I just really want to feel confident again, because recently it has got to the stage where I hate seeing my reflection on shop windows as I walk by, because there isn't a huge set of breasts and ass wobbling by, and if I finish with my current bf, I am doomed to have to live with this negative image of myself.

 

thanks x

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Sorry, but I have to say it. Your boyfriend is completely rude.

 

He should NOT be making you feel this way. If he has a brain, he would be able to pick up on how you feel about your body. And even if he didn't, why on Earth would he be going out of his way to tell you about his exes? I understand joking sometimes, and every once in a while jokes can get out of hand, but this is just mean.

 

Do you really think this guy is worth it?

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You are letting this boyfriend determine your self worth based on his obsession with breasts. Just because he prefers big breast doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. He obviously knew that you had smaller breasts than what he normally goes for so that is his bad.

 

He sounds rude and arrogant. I wouldn't tolerate my bf talking about another woman while in bed with me.

 

I'm sure there are plenty of men that like small women just as there are plenty of men that enjoy the larger girl.

 

I really think you just haven't found the right one for you yet. Don't give up, not all men are asses.

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You sound absolutely adorable to me! If your boyfriend has such an obsession over enormous breasts, he should be with someone with them. I'm sorry, but I agree he is being very rude to you. I mean obviously you are not overly endowed, so he shouldn't be making those comments and telling you about his past "milk drinking" (and YUCK btw!) experiences!

 

You should be with someone that loves you for YOU. Like I said, you sound petite and beautiful inside and out.

 

Don't ever let someone's comments affect your self-worth. Be confident in who you are and what you are!

 

God Bless...

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Brick House by the Commodores...A woman who is a brick house ( perfect body ) is described as "36-24-36". Your measurements are not far off...Your boyfriend is a * * * * ...Why oh why would a man think that a woman is supposed to subject herself to a knife for his childish fantasies is beyond me.

 

Look, guys like what they see on tv...Jlo was in it was all about latin chicks and butts, then the phase died, then for a while it was onto asian women, indian women, blondes, dark haired women-if they see it they will like it...there is a new fantasy every other day and since you can't cut yourself everytime a new movie comes out, you have to at one point realize that NO one is perfect. The only thing you can be is perfectly happy.

 

I have body flaws myself ( who doesnt ) but I've never been with a man who criticized my body to any great length, and for any of the few comments I've gotten, I never really paid them any attention. I've decided to 'realize' that I'm beautiful.

 

Can I ask, do you think you encourage guys to criticize your body, why you have gotten so many comments? Like do you point things out? Also I think you should not take comments as seriously...I'm 6 feet tall. I'll bet you've gotten " wow you're thin!" like I've gotten " wow you're tall". Doesn't really mean anything to me, its just what it is. They may not be saying its a bad thing at all, you may be fixated on it because of the way you feel about yourself.

 

In closing: A 32B is NOT small at all, not even close to flat chested. You sound quite attractive to be honest, You haven't mentioned your face at all, so i'm guessing that is perfectly fine, and your body sounds great! Also you're boyfriend is a tool.

MtB

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I personally like well sized breasts. But really, when it gets to the point of a woman looking like a milking cow, then no thanks, thats just odd.

 

Really though, why is this jerk with you, if he wasn't attracted to you in the first place, what a loser.

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I agree with Tech!

 

This guy is not someone you should be friends with let alone your bf.

How about you make some comments about how small his penis is next time you are in bed together. Tell him that he is the smallest endowed guy you have ever seen. How do you think he would feel? Just kidding btw. Don't sink to his level.

 

There are all types in the world and all types that desire them. You need to be a little more selective and if you meet someone new that makes a comment like he has throw them out! You don't need a doosh bag in your life. (Yes I know I spelled it wrong)

 

Lost

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Your bf is a real jerk.

 

Not all guys are like this, trust me. Some men don't even prefer big breasts on women. I think it's ridiculous with the things he tells you. Clearly, he does not deserve you. If he can't accept you the way you are, then the hell with him.

 

There are plenty of guys out there who will find you beautiful just the way you are, don't let a few jerks make you feel otherwise.

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wow, I'm overwhelmed by the responses. Thankyou all of you! I already feel better.

 

TwistOfate08: I know I am so stupid for even giving him a chance with all the stuff he has said to me, I have a very low self esteem because of this, so far all men have been very like this man.. i just don't feel like there are even men out there that are not like him. I know that is bad, but after a while of only ever experiencing relationships with men like these, i kinda lost hope for anything different. I am trying to fix that though thanks!

 

Jpo: Well Jpo, I wish you lived over here in the UK ](*,)

 

guynextdoor: thanks! I'm glad to here that he is actually a douche and it's not just me who thinks that. phew.

 

Godless_Heathen: I hope to find a man who does appreciate me more than I have been in the past by men so far

 

Chris Knows: thanks! Hopefully a guy like this will come up soon, it's exactly what I need.

 

metrogirl: I know there is nothing wrong with me, and usually I don't have a problem with men liking bigger breasts I mean it's nature isn't it? I like it when men are toned and pretty fit, and my man isn't all that, but It's not like I like men that are huge muscle men that are so unrealistic it can't occur in real life without sterioids or plastic surgery! And then tell my bf that it's a shame he isn't a huge muscle man. This man, and to some extent my exes have taken this a too far! where that is ALL they appreciate.. That I have a problem with and that is why it has affected me so much. I do think I have just not found the right man yet, where I am actually his type.

 

TechResQ: Thanks! I really hope that I am someones type out there, I shouldnt have to live with this self image. I agree that I am obviously not his type exactly, he needs to find a woman like that.. (which i think he'll have a hard time in finding lol) Thanks again

 

MakestheBest: is that true? Well hopefully I will FINALLY be able to please someone soon then! I've been made to feel pretty ugly so far in my short go at relationships, i think my luck had been pretty bad. And to answer you're question, I havent ever pointed things out about myself that may have caused these comments, the "omg you're so skinny" was more of a look of disgust than just a statement of fact, I simply walked out the bathroom in a pair of new leggings and his comment was exactly that. At the most i have asked "can you really see my bones on my back?" and he said no, that you can see everyones bones when they stretch.. apart from that ALL of his comments have been unprovoked and just something that crossed his mind

Thanks for your compliments, you're response has helped a lot!

 

EQ>IQ: This is a great mystery to me, my only guess is that he was starting to find it hard to keep girlfriends or get them in the first place, he ended up taking a chance with anything with a hole..

 

lostandhurt: yeah I have to be more selective, i realise this now, I didn't know how deep this ran with him though, the horrible comments really started after almost 6 months, i'm worried I will never know until I start getting the comments. Perhaps making friends with them first and getting to know them will help me get to know them better, and save me from this kind of hurt again

 

Jd1983: thanks for the encouragement, I've so far not had any other man, My body has been a recurring problem with the men I'm with for some reason. It's started to get hard to imagine otherwise. I just really hope I find a man who is not like this. Thanks again!

 

fantastic: thanks, I must have had so far the worst selection of men for my type so far, hopefully this will change and a bit of luck will swing my way.

 

x

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Honestly I'd probably take a B cup over DD's.

 

I also find myself attracted to more petite women for some reason.

 

The way you describe yourself, I'd probably be quite into you if I knew you in person assuming you have a good personality, which it seems like you do. I'm usually not a fan of curly hair but I know a few women who really make it work for them and I find them attractive, so I imagine if you care about your appearance as much as it seems you do I'm sure you've made your naturally curly hair really fit your look.

 

 

While you didn't provide a picture (not that you have to, obviously. Anonymity and all that), I have little doubt if you were single you'd be swarmed by guys. You should definitely have confidence in who you are because it sounds like you're quite beautiful. You also seem to be quite forgiving which is a plus, though.....perhaps tone it back a bit and don't put up with a guy who makes you feel like you're inadequate all the time. You don't deserve it and it's certainly not fair to you.

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It sounds like 3 of your SO's have been tools. You deserve someone who loves you for who you are. If your current guy can so openly criticize you on your appearance, he's a total pr**k. I wouldn't put up with that for one second, and I don't think you should either. Send him on his way - there are Jessica Rabbits on every street corner. You appear to be a very sweet person, and your body sounds adorable. You deserve so much better.

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Hey Lady, I'm glad to help.

I don't know about your guys...they seem kind of critical in my opinion, i'm still confused as to why. But my last bit of advice is that you have to figure out a way to get okay with things in your own head. People respond to your outlook on things. I'll give you an example...my best friend hates my ex...well she did. Because I never told her the good things that he did, he was wonderful. I only relayed my insecurities and doubts...even the magnified ones, so when she finally started weighing in her opinion is was violently and angrily in my corner. She was responding to how I felt.

 

Think of these two scenarios:

 

1) Your guy says " damn! Your skinny " You seem shy and sad and tell him, "well I've been trying to gain weight" or " I know, its a family trait". He gets the idea that you are unhappy with your weight and then ends up encouraging you to eat more which fuels your anxiety some more.

 

2) Your guy says " damn! Your skinny" You laugh at him, confidently and say " Well, sweetie maybe you should feeeed me more" ( insert more sexual gaze). He laughs back, forgets about it. May notice it one or two more times without saying anything

and in time startes to love how easy your tiny waist fits into his hands, or learns to love how delicate your wrist is.

 

Your perspective, in large part, defines who you are..I can't tell you how to gain that confidence. But honestly if you are with someone who you can't feel confident around, it may be time for a new type of beau.

 

I dont know which is more hurtful being alone, or being dumped on.

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From a guy's perspective...

 

1) Your guy says " damn! Your skinny " You seem shy and sad and tell him, "well I've been trying to gain weight" or " I know, its a family trait". He gets the idea that you are unhappy with your weight and then ends up encouraging you to eat more which fuels your anxiety some more.

 

Here I see that gaining weight is something she wants to do, so naturally I want to help her do that because I want her to be happy. Hence I put more food in front of her, which fuels her insecurity and makes me the bad guy. I'm trying to solve a problem that doesn't actually exist because I assume that's what she wants since I was told by her "I want to gain weight." In reality I was probably complimenting her (when a guy sees you're too skinny as a problem, he'll probably throw the "anorexia" word around) on how skinny she was, but I saw that she wasn't happy with that so I tried to help.

 

2) Your guy says " damn! Your skinny" You laugh at him, confidently and say " Well, sweetie maybe you should feeeed me more" ( insert more sexual gaze). He laughs back, forgets about it. May notice it one or two more times without saying anything

and in time startes to love how easy your tiny waist fits into his hands, or learns to love how delicate your wrist is.

 

Probably already loves the skinniness (not always the case, but most guys do), and...well, a response like the one you described would be incredibly hot and provocative.

 

Your perspective, in large part, defines who you are..I can't tell you how to gain that confidence. But honestly if you are with someone who you can't feel confident around, it may be time for a new type of beau.

 

I dont know which is more hurtful being alone, or being dumped on.

 

At least when you're alone you don't have anyone but yourself to mess with your self esteem.

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MakestheBest, I see what you're saying and I can do that, but in this instance it was pretty difficult not to take offence. He didn't say "Damn! you're skinny" or "Wow! You're skinny" I have had those said to me before, I have never taken offence.

 

However I DO take offence to:

 

"oh- my- god.. you are so skinny" *wide-eyed look of worry and concern with a frown* while he looks at me up and down. That combined with his comments on my breast size and his preferences = bad.

 

I appreciate what your saying, and yeah i believe it is possible for me to do this a bit more in some instances, but in these instances it has been a very direct critisism.

 

My self esteem has reached a low, it's really hard for me to see myself as sexy because I've lived like this for so long. I'm aiming to end the relationship and get my confidence and self esteem back on track, which is part of why I started this thread, and I think i'm on my way

 

Trouble is I'm struggling with my image just now, I don't know if I have the confidence to open up to another man or face another man yet, in fear of feeling pretty ugly.

 

and just for the record.. I am not underweight, my weight is spot on average for my height and age. It's just that I'm obviously that skinny "type" you know? Boney and tall, kinda like Rie Rasmussen or something (except hair) and also there is a photo in my profile.. you have to be my friend though to see it. It's * * * * anyway.. lol, but jus sayin.

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ledi, your b/f is a total jerk. He's working you towards breast implants. This smacks of a serious control issue.

 

If three of your past b/fs were like this, it's due to the following:

I have a very low self esteem

 

Abusive control freaks are drawn to women they feel they can railroad. I'm guessing that it's not just your body image he's been working on. Slowly but surely, he will have you isolated, with nowhere to turn.

 

Do yourself a favour and walk away from this guy. It's only going to get worse.

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yeah I'm doing that, I havent always had a low self esteem, i used to be pretty confident, but recently.. i've been feeling super down. I dumped the first guy as soon as he gave me * * * * , moved on had fun, found another guy had a fairly long go at the relationship he made a few comments. I didn't dump him instantly, but i did eventually and resumed being single and having fun, dancing, dressing up etc, then started seeing my current, was ok for a few months then the mild comments on his exes, then more comments and more and more and now here I am. And because they started fairly late on, I havent handled it as well as I hoped.

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First of all...Lemme have my Lesbianic moment- that Rie Rasmussen chick is hot ( just googled her)..At least you know you'll look good naked in a photoshoot.

 

Second of all, when you told me about your boyfriends reactions to your body, I burst out laughing and I SOOO wish you could see it from my point of view. He sounds like a comic book character...OMG...look at your baby toe...its too SHORT and your nose hair doesn't lay properly. W.T.F? Is this an episode of Seinfeld...

 

What does this guy look like, because if he isn't Brad Pitt I'm sure we could go to town on his looks. NO ONE has the right to criticize that damned much. There are guys who wish to god they're girls would lose their stomachs so they would look more like yours...but they have the sense not so say it. I'm beginning to think absinthe is right when she called him a controling fukwit and a jack ass

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hmm.. actually no their all pretty different, aside that they are all creative, ie two are musicians and one is a writer.

 

Absinthe, I totally appreciate what you mean and yeah I can see how that would work but all I want to concentrate on just now is my self confidence, how I see myself, and dealing with a break up. I know that this last ex has been occasionally on the abusive side to me recently and I have noticed a difference in me. I went to a bar in my home city recently when I went to visit my parents and I felt better, I felt like myself... I really just want to start seeing myself as beautiful and confident again, and start over and not be as forgiving in future.

 

I was drawn to each of these men because I adore creatve people. I am a musician and I am interested in other people that are creative and share my interests. (hope i didnt share too much cause I kinda don't want anyone I know knowing i'm here)

 

The first two werent abusive, the first one made a douchebag comment but he was a lot younger. The second one just preferred bigger women - to each their own, third one very abusive and again, liked HUUUUAAAGE women. So now I feel that i'm - being tiny - quite inadequate, which given the chain of events and especially given my current/soon to be ex, is to be expected.

 

For now, all I want is to feel attractive again, because my bf's comments really tore me up.

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