Yeah, I know I'm young, but I'm still not getting anywhere...

[kevin715]

Let me just take the time to warn that the following is a pretty lengthy post.

 

Like many people who have posted similar topics here, I've had problems with shyness, confidence, and other things pertaining to women. As of now, I'm 20 years old. Yeah, I know, I've still got time to work things out, right? Well yeah, sure. Thing is, I'm trying to see what I can do about myself now so I don't wind up making this very post at websites like this five, ten, 20 years from now.

 

So I'm a senior in college, and keep in mind that the college that I go to is very big with partying, going to bars, the greek system is pretty big here, etc. In fact, the social scene here is probably what brought me to go to school here in the first place. In high school, I somewhat lived a sheltered life when I wasn't the student manager of the baseball team. I have a mother who's very concerned about me (and should be, of course), and I almost never went to parties with my classmates, though I did go to some school dances where anyone in the school system (even the all-girls and co-ed schools) could attend. It also doesn't help that my high school was an all-boys school, and that I was 13 when I started high school and 16 when I graduated (which is why I'm 20 years old now, and am a few months away from graduating, but a few more months before I can legally drink alcohol). So of course, I didn't have a girlfriend then. But I was very social with the people in my high school during the school day.

 

And now, college has come and almost passed, and despite having gone to a few frat parties as a freshman and kissing a few girls while drunk, I've never had the courage to even talk to girls for personal reasons, or any reasons outside of class or extracurricular activities, or business-related stuff in general. Hell, whenever any female walks past or whatever, my heart just pounds involuntarily. So even now, I still haven't had a girlfriend. I'm still a virgin, but to be honest, I'd be in the same situation even if I had lost my virginity so it really isn't that big a deal to me. To be honest, not having a girlfriend usually doesn't cross my mind until I see couples walking by, then it hits me like a ton of bricks. What also stinks is that after my freshman year, the people who I lived with went to a different part of the campus, lessening the contact between us and leaving me to start over friendship-wise. I'm cool with the people I hang out with now, but the problem is that they're not necessarily the social types either. In fact, I could count on one hand how many of them have had legit girlfriends. And of course, my age plays at a huge disadvantage, seeing that most of the people in my age group are going to bars and stuff while I'll never be able to enjoy that luxury while an undergrad.

 

Although I did meet a then-21-year-old online (who was kinda from around my way but still lived an hour away), arranged to meet in real life and all, that summer we had gotten a bit busy for each other with my internship and her summer classes. It also didn't help that I didn't (and still don't) have a car, so it feels like whenever I'm home, I can't go anywhere anyway. Although another point worth mentioning is that we saw each other behind my mother's back because of what could quite possibly be the biggest road block from dating whoever I want while under my mom's roof: racism. For the record, I'm black, and the girl I liked is white. There are very few available black women at the school I go to. But with my shyness, it's not like it matters. My mom has told me on several occasions to not date white girls for reasons too numerous for me to include in this already-long post. My mom did see her when the girl brought me home for spring break one time, but I only introduced her as a friend and nothing more. But even by the time I did tell my mom that we liked each other (and surprisingly, she didn't bring up race), we weren't really planning on seeing each other for the rest of the summer (and still haven't since, and we're barely even on talking terms now).

 

So this is where I am. I've almost lost all faith in online dating because being a guy on those sites is like playing the lottery -- i've heard that women get flooded with messages from guys, so why even bother looking for guys on the sites? While I did have luck that one time, I don't want to put all my eggs in the online basket, which is why I'm trying to work on my offline social skills. I've been told that I need to smile more, but to be honest, there really isn't much for me to smile about. The fact that I have a 2mm gap between my front teeth gives me another reason not to smile more. But otherwise, I'm not that bad looking -- 6'3, 185, is somewhat athletic, dark-skinned (if any pics are needed, I'll have them upon request).

 

If you didn't manage to read any of that last essay that I wrote, basically, the last of the supposed "best four years in my life" is slipping away, and after graduating and if I wind up landing a job soon afterward, I'll even have less opportunities to socialize. I'm sorry if I basically rehashed something that you are used to seeing on this forum, but I just had to get this out.

[Yarbles]

Hey, don't worry man usually the more personal the issue is the more universal it is. You definitely aren't alone. Although I spent the last year of my University days partying hard I still didn't get a girlfriend. Don't force yourself to do anything. Don't go to parties just for the sake of trying to get a girlfriend. Just go and have a good time with your friends and enjoy the last years of school! Stop worrying about this girlfriend stuff and have some fun.

 

The more fun you have the more social you'll be, it'll come natural. As for your mom telling you who you can/cannot date...date whoever you wish. Although she may not approve just remember that whoever you choose you will always be her son and she will eventually have to come to terms with it.

 

Hang in there.

[Spacecapsule]

Well since you are in college I will offer these 5 points I wish I had followed when I was in your situation.

 

5. Smile alot. Walk with confidence (head up and no slouching). Make eye contact with people.

 

4. Join hobby or interest groups.

 

3. Make an effort to build social network by meeting your friends friends and their friends.

 

2. Never turn down an invitation.

 

1. Start small talk with every one you encounter. First, you are building communications skills and second you may make a new friend.

 

Frankly, the way most guys get a girlfriend is through proximity. Each of you have mutual friends and you meet at your buddies study group, and then you Facebook each other, then you are dating. We who are shy do not understand this immediately instead we take what we see on television (girl falls head over heels for guy she passes by on the sidewalk and hands him her number) as the basis for what is means "to meet a woman". Sorry for the rant, but just put yourself out there more and do not squander the opportunity. Good luck.

[kevin715]

To the above poster: thanks. I'm still trying to work on the smiling part, but I've always thought that just randomly smiling for no reason was kinda odd. I don't know. The eye contact has almost always been a problem, unless I'm on a job interview or talking to someone who demands my attention.

 

When I was a freshman, I still had very little idea about what exactly interested me on the list of organizations and clubs I could have joined. My main interests have always been sports and video games, and I like some music and movies, but they don't rank as high on my priority. I'm not a fan of politics (or at least political parties despite having my own views), I didn't really care much about adventuring, and I'm not religious to the point that I want to live my life strictly observing it, so such clubs probably weren't for me. But then again, when I was a freshman, I still might have been apprehensive about joining anything, since I didn't quite know how college was going to treat me with the new workload, friends next door, drinking alcohol for the first time, and just having fun in general. Most of the people who I now hang out with on the weekends are into anime and are in the anime club, but that's just not my cup of tea. Maybe if I knew that I'd be practically miserable during my last 2-3 years on campus, I probably would have found a club and joined it, even if I barely knew anything about it. Maybe after graduation, I could just move to the opposite end of the country and start over...it feels like my only choice in order to get true independence from my mother, which I think I may need more than anyone else in my life: to find happiness for myself and not for my family (even though their support for me isn't necessarily bad).