Wife cheated on me with a cheater

[Vogal]

I have a thread over in "Divorce," but I wanted to see what you all had to say on this side.

 

So, to keep it short, my wife is in the military, as am I. We're both reserves, so we're not really stationed anywhere unless in training. Before I left we got married, which was an incredibly stupid idea, in retrospect. She now claims that it was my idea to get married and that she never wanted it. Well, a couple months in she leaves for training. She starts becoming distant, and apparently found someone else around Thanksgiving. I was told right before Christmas what was going on. Of course I did all the stupid things. Begging, pleading, etc. Her reasons at first was that it was her fault. That she's changed. That she needs time to find herself. Then that she's been trying to fix the relationship for two years. Then about a month later it became her not getting the attention and freedom she wanted, and that she tried to tell me something was wrong with all the little fights that we had over the years. I don't understand how running away is better than staying and trying to fix something, but that's not the point of this.

 

She's told me and people close to me one thing, and people who she thought were on her side something different. To me, she would have left regardless if she found someone else. However, to a mutual friend she said that she did in fact leave me for someone else.

 

She found out that he actually slept with his girlfriend over Christmas exodus. Told everyone that she felt so betrayed, and that she's now just going back to finish her training and that she was done with him. Of course, it didn't go that way.

 

I've been talking to this other guy's (ex?)girlfriend, with whom he has two kids, and has cheated on at least 6 times. His girlfriend has been trying to get my wife on the phone to tell her what he's really like, but she won't believe her and thinks that she's crazy. He has of course told my wife that she is crazy, that their relationship was terrible, that she's the one, etc. She believes everything he has to say. So today I learned from his girlfriend that he finally told my wife that he cheated on his ex. I don't know if he included how many times, but she apparently didn't care. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, knowing how my relationship ended. For some reason, she's also very depressed and confused with my family wanting nothing to do with her. She seems to think that just because we "didn't work out" that she could still be a part of my nieces' lives and be buddy buddy with my sister and mother.

 

My question here is, can I trust her reasons for cheating and leaving? At first it was her fault, then mine, and they haven't been consistent. I don't understand why they keep changing.

 

And how can someone get like this? Believe everything someone has to say, with no doubts? She's told my sister that she thinks he's "ready to settle down", so she seems to think that she can change him, or that she's somehow more special than the other 5 people he's cheated with.

[High5girl]

She's changing her reasons b/c she doesn't want to take responsibility for her actions.

The life she is living now proves she's guilty.

As for the guy she's cheated with? He could very well change. A leopard can change it's spots, but only if they want to.

 

My advice is to cut all contact with her if you don't have kids.

She lost the right to your being in your family's life, the day she cheated and left.

Hopefully, you are considering moving on?

Dwelling on this will only prolong things.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This woman is just as messed up as the guy she cheated with. The are a perfect couple...likely they will cheat on each other since he has a long history of cheating and lying and fabricating stories and she has a history of cheating on you, lying and fabricating stories. People like her are not worth trying to understand. She is a major train wreck embarking on a trainwreck of a relationship with a man who is also a trainwreck. Time for you to walk away from this trainwreck and thank your lucky stars that you are well out of it. This woman is already paying for her cheating ways.

[nutz76]

Everything the OP has said about the ho is that she's constantly blame shifting. All he needs to know is she's a useless piece of trash and needs to move on. Don't believe a word she says bud, you'll thank me later.

[Brenda222]

I agree with High5girl. She doesnt want to take responsibility for her actions. If she didnt want to get married then why did she. This is a bunch of bs. She is leading up to blaming you for her cheating. I hope you let her stay with him so she can one day feel what you are feeling. Why stay friends with your family. If she wanted to be friends with the family she should have stayed in the family. I hope you are with someone else when she runs back because this guy has done her wrong. And I hope you let her know that you dont want any dealings with her.

[lostandhurt]

You will find that almost all cheaters do the same exact things. Cheat then lie. Get caught or leave and justify. Then the re-write starts with how things were terrible and it was the only way out or they would have left either way whether they cheated or not and the new person has nothing to do with the leaving.

 

Basically they throw everything out there hoping something will stick. Hanging around your family is another way of trying to paint this in a different light.

First off you need to accept what she has done and what she is and then let it go. Next you and your family need to go full NC right now. You don't want your nieces around her anyways do you? Nice role model! Lastly quit talking to your ex's boyfriends ex gf. No good will come from this.....only more pain for you.

 

Lost

[arcadefire]

You know you're better off without her. She has no remorse doing all of these awful things to you. You deserve someone who can give you all her love.