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Approach Anxiety ' What are you afraid of


Kyoshiro Ogari

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There was a Charlie Brown Valentine special last night where Chuck had his chance to approach the red headed girl he had a crush on. He was walking towards her, shaking feverishly, doubting his worth, and before you know it, she was taken. His anxiety got to the point where he was shaking so much, he balled up, closed his eyes and let the fear absorb him.

 

When he saw her all alone and realized this was his chance, the first thing he said was that he wished he was blah blah blah. So already he is defeated in that he doesn't think she'll like him because he's not blah blah blah enough.

 

I know this is a cartoon, but it's not far off from what we AA veterans experience.

 

I have the exact same problem. I have a severe case of approach anxiety. I had my chance two months ago at a party. The girl of my effections was there. She was chatting it up accross the room. My friend, who I think this girl actually likes kept urging me to approach her, bu she was in a crowd. Then my worst fear came. She was alone for about 3 minutes. Not just alone, but so far away from the crowd that the closest person near her would have to shout through a megaphone to get her attention. It was set up perfectly. My friend nudged me and laughed at how the perfect opportunity was right there and even I marveled at how this was. i never get opportunities like this, as unattractive as I am, I'm also cursed with bad luck. But I was shaking so much that I actualy had to hold on to something to keep from falling down. My heart raced to the point where I was slightly dizzy. I literally could not take a step towards her. My friend doesn't know how shy I am and I made an excuse that I think she's interested in blah blah blah.

 

Finally a few of her friends rejoined her. After calming myself down I thought to myself and asked what was stopping me. The first thought was that I'm not attractive enough. My friend who she went out of her way to talk to is very attractive. She met us both at the same time two months ago. There was a point where she turned to us and smiled, but was looking at him. She passed me, I smiled and she looked the other way. I felt that if I showed interest, she would be dissapointed, offended and insulted.

 

There were also so many hot guys at the party. I didn't want to disappoint her by showing interest. What was funny was that I didn't go into this party looking for a girlfriend. I wanted to get to know her. But this was sort of a hook up party so my intention would've been well know.

 

I told this to another friend of mine and he was giving me tips on approaching someone. I kept telling him that he, with his swimmer's built and sparkling blue eyes, long eyelashes and ivory smile, telling me, a gerbil, how to approach a woman is ironic. He gets approached himself. I've never been approached so why are we even having this discussion.

 

I would like to know who has approach anxiety and what are you afraid of? Any success stories in getting over it?

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I have this anxiety also dude. I have pretty low confidence at the moment so I am scared of being rejected because of it. I quickly shoot down in my mind any ideas of approaching because I don't want the rejection to further lower my confidence. Ultimately it's a daily battle to maintain confidence for me and getting rejected threatens to ruin that confidence.

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I get it often. I think more or less my fear is my mind goes absolutely blank in those situations and I can't think of anything to say. I have overcame it on very rare occasions. But she showed direct interest that she wanted to talk to me. (Came and sat beside me). I guess a secondary reason is I have a hard time believing that a girl in question actually wants to talk to me. Go figure. :splat: lol

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Almost every man in this world has some level of approach anxiety. The only ones I've come accross who don't have been a little "crazy" to some degree, so at least feel good that you have evidence that you're normal lol But on a serious note, AA has evolutionary roots which I won't get into since it doesn't clue you in to a solution.

 

Most guys who get this are afraid of the emotional pain from the possible rejection. Being embarassed to her, in front of everyone else. It's exposing your vulnerability, something that we have a natural tendancey not to do in order to protect ourselves.

 

In order to combat my approach anxiety, I stay in practice. I notice that if I slack off and don't hit on girls for several days, my strength atrophies and I am stuck where I was before. So I recommend setting a quota and sticking to it. Even if it's 1 per day, you would be much better able to control it.

 

I also notice a direct correlation between my lack of AA when the other areas of my life are going well (career, physical fitness, friends, hobbies, grooming). So make sure you stay on top of those as best you can.

 

Also good is to have memorized scripted openers. I know it's not "original" and not genuine, but you don't want that stumbling block of having that thought of "what am I going to say to her" running through your head as you decide to go up to her. Have 2 defaults at the very least.

 

Learn how to go up to girls with a friend/newbie. Find someone in your area who's interested in making the change with you, you can find someone on the net much easier than trying to convert one of your friend, they most likely won't be up for it (most guys don't have the ambition to change for the better in this area of their lives for some reason - not humble enough to admit they need the help most likely). I make a bet (with my gf) every night that we go out that I will begin conversation with 5 girls or else she gets to keep the $100 that I have already given her. I had to do it once, never again.

 

Well that's some practical advice, hopefully you can find some use for it.

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...

I would like to know who has approach anxiety and what are you afraid of? Any success stories in getting over it?

In my opinion almost everyone has somekind of approach anxiety, more or less. Somehow we pick this up in today's society and I think it's very unhealthy.

 

How to get over it? Recognize your problem (as you already have) and act on it. Start approaching people of both gender and ask them to tell you the time, the way to the next book store and so on. Take every chance to strike up a conversation with a stranger. Over time (usually one year) your anxiety will pass away and you'll be able to talk to everyone without a moment's notice.

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I'm afraid that she will reject me, which will reinforce my negative thoughts about myself.

 

I realize that, in order to get over this, I have to increase my self esteem. But it's a double-edged sword; I feel unconfident because I've never had a girlfriend, and so I don't get a girlfriend because I don't approach girls, because I'm unconfident.

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