She's flip-flopping (hot and cold) like nothing I've ever seen!

[studentoflaw]

Hey everyone...I just stumbled onto this site tonight! I read a bunch of posts, and hate to admit (because I feel sort of voyeuristic) but reading about other people's situations who are similar to our own is intriguing!

 

Anyways, I figure I will shoot out my questions as the people I've seen frequenting this section seem to be honest and open.

 

I'm about 4 months into a breakup with the ex girlfriend. It started sloppy. She went through the whole "we need A break", which I didn't want, then it turned into "we're BROKEN up". I admittedly did all the poor judgement things (call and text and show up unexpectedly), then cooled off and did NC.

 

I had found out that she's been doing a lot of self destructive and out-of-character things for her (getting wasted all the time, always partying during the week, trying to initiate as many opposite sex relationships as possible etc..) as wrote her a long email stating that I know of things that she had done during our relationship (I suspect she was at least starting a relationship with someone) and that what she's done, and how she treated the break up is making me essentially say goodbye. I told her I would not contact her in anyway, and likewise to not contact me at all.

 

She replied with a simple "Goodbye and have a nice life". Haha, okay, that seemed pretty closing. About 2 weeks into NC (it started about a month ago), I get the most bizarre text message. She breaks NC to say "My sister's bunny died last night, though you should know". Haha, I know...I was like, uhhh(?) We did by this bunny together 3 years ago, but we gave it to her sister as a gift, and to be honest, I really don't care about it!

 

Anyways, I didn't respond and she would text ever few days, asking what type of oil her car takes, how school is going etc... then she sent a very disrespectful one in my opinion. She had texted me earlier that day, about a joint account we had together. I responded, but only about the issue she adressed. She then replied back saying she'll take care of the issue, but included a "How's school going?" at the end of the message. Well, I didn't reply to that, and later that night at about 11:30 she texts "How's the life of single Matt?". I found it disrespectful to define me as single.

 

Anyways, I figured I'd just respond to her texts with simple, short answers. So I just said "life is good". Then last monday (February 1st, which happened to have been our would-be 4 year anniversary) I dropped of some money I owed her. I had forgotten what day it was, but she obviously hadn't. She seemed so happy to see me, complimented me (I've gotten bigger working out) and seemed very emotional and honest, not dead and closed off as usual. I played it cool, as if I was over it and tried to be relaxed and just exchange what we needed to and leave. She kept probing me about how things are, etc... and I told her that I may be leaving Ontario to go to Alberta for work, at least for the summer and maybe transfer to go to school there for good in the fall. I put on a good show and left there without having showed any interest in her.

 

Two minutes after leaving I get a text from her saying "I just wanted to say you look great and I wish you all the best in the future. It's sad that today is THAT day, but I guess we can cherish our memories and good times together".

 

The next day I broke down, felt bad and invited her to lunch. She agreed readily, but as soon as I saw her she was back to cold and unsmiling and distant. I was floored. This was literally 12 hours after she had been stupidly smiling at me, just ogling me and and sending me that text about our past. She opened up a little during lunch and left in a more open mood than she began the lunch.

 

Anways, I invited her out about a week later to go skiing, to which she replied she has too much school work to do. I found out she was out partying...Just an FYI

 

Then about two days ago she texts me to tell me she has some mail for me, so I go pick it up from her and she is dead in the face. She looks and sounds like someone has died or that she's got the flu or something. She's not smiling at me, not even talking at all. She just gives me the papers and says nothing. So I figure it's best to just act disinterested and leave.

 

Tonight I had to go drop off some of her paperwork and she was the same way. She looks like shes either furious with rage and is maintaining her composure, or is depressed. It's hard to tell because she's just so quiet, withdrawn and emotionless.

 

Now it has only been a week and a half since that relatively good meeting we had on February 1st. For the life of me, I just can't figure out her change from obvious flirting and openness, to the next day at lunch being sort of closed-off, to today when she sees me and seems dead inside.

 

Does anyone have any insights for me!? I'm lost!

[alli]

Seems like when you seem uninterested in her, she is friendly (possibly flirty?) but when you turn around, smile back & invite her to lunch, she acts the opposite. So basically, you can't be friendly to each other at the same time. Maybe because she is afraid that if she is nice to you when you reach out to her (for dinner, skiing) that she will give you the idea that you might get back together, and she doesn't want that & doesn't want to mislead you.

 

Either that, or you are only attractive to her when you are distant. The moment you invite her, it's a sign of weakness, that she still has you under her belt, and that is not attractive.

 

Not sure which one it is. It sounds like getting back together isn't going to happen anytime soon though. Try to continue limiting contact as you are now. If she starts hinting at getting back together but won't actually commit to it, I'd tell her to call you when she is ready for another try, but not a minute before then.

[studentoflaw]

It's interesting that you bring up the point about being attractive to her when I'm disinterested. Early in the break up, when I wasn't handling things well, she sent a simple email just telling me that "you're attractive when you act like you can handle anything that comes your way". It was quite shocking actually. That's all the email said.

 

So I think you're hitting on something. But again, it's hard to convey a face-to-face meeting in words, but when she was flirting and complimenting and asking me if I knew what day it was, etc... it seemed as though right that minute that she wanted to get back together.

 

It's hard to say. I just think it's best to do nothing, than do something and regret it later. Thanks for your reply.

[alli]

Alright, so it sounds like it was the second thing I thought. That she isn't attracted to you when you show attraction to her. Like, she can break up with you & do whatever she wants, but at the snap of a finger she can have you back by showing interest, and you will try again. Hard to get really is her thing.

 

I broke up with this guy a long time ago. He was very possessive & controlling so I had some good reasons to end it. But when I did, it was like he lost all control & would do or say ANYTHING to get me back, and he just looked so pitiful that it wasn't attractive to me at all. The way he treated me, I would never have taken him back no matter what he did, but you get my point. Sometimes, letting the person know that you will be waiting & will come back to them at any time they want makes them think less of you. But when you seem self-sustaining & not needy of them at all, you appear more desirable.

 

Kind of a catch-22. The only way to get her to like you is to appear to not like her. Just no way around it for the time being. I just wouldn't take her up on every suggestion or appear to be waiting for her to change your mind. It sounds like you're doing a pretty good job of that already. I wouldn't invite her to get together again any time soon though.

[studentoflaw]

Yea, I get what you're saying. It's pretty much exactly what I was thinking...but who knows in a situation like this. The only thing I've been on the fence about is whether to actually TELL her that because I tried and she is hot and then cold, that that was the last time, and then cut contact...or to just disappear again. But like I said, I've learned that if you're not 100% sure, then do nothing!

[alli]

Yep, I'd just leave her be & do your own thing.

[DN]

I think your best bet is to go to Alberta and find someone out there.

[MakestheBest]

Wow...this is strange. I would agree with the whole " act like you don't care thing" but its almost like what the point...Based off of what you said its not like you asked her to lunch with tears in your voice, so such a turnaround is very strange. That type of wall is impossible to climb. Lemme ask you a question " would you call your ex a drama queen or vindictive? "

 

Also how old are you two....that might give a little insight.

[spicoli]

Yeah man my girl flip flops like nothing I've ever seen or heard. We've been broken up for about 3 months officially. We're together for about 3 weeks a month ago, but she couldnt commit.

 

Last week she came back, talking to me all day, hanging out, saying she wanted to be my valentine and then Sunday she flipped again saying it was over for good.

 

When I don't show interest she comes back and when I give her the attention she wants from me she bolts again.

 

Yesterday I decided to just stop. She texted me today multiple times but I didn't respond and she flipped. Don't let crazy girls hurt you like I've let mine do. You might love her/want her back but for now just let her go.

[studentoflaw]

Sorry, everyone, here's a little more backround. We met when she was just 17 and I was 19. It's been 4 years almost exactly so now shes 21 and I'm 23. I tend to agree with you about me not being very pushy or anything. I also agree that when I make a move she backs away. That's what's so confusing, you all seem right. Even when I invited her for lunch, I never brought up anything relationship related, and I was composed and mature.

 

Also strange, but relevant to note, is that I can tell her "mood" by how her text messages are. The one she sent last week telling me how great I look and how it's sad that that day would have made 4 years and we can cherish our great times etc... was very informal, and in my opinion honest. Later that week when I invited her out again, her response was very diplomatic and super formal.

 

If I had to fathom another guess, I'm thinking that maybe the truth came out that "anniversary" day that I saw her, but for some reason she regrets letting it come out, and it back-tracking and flip-flopping viciously in order to maintain her composure and control over the situation.

 

I'll keep you all updated. I'm sure this case is rather extreme, so maybe seeing how this pans out for me will help others! Thanks guys and girls.

[MakestheBest]

Hmm...very plausible. And since you know her better than we do, I'm feeling that going with ure theory is the best bet.

 

I mean her acting out shows that she is not handling it well, maybe when she saw u and showed how happy she was it hurt when she realized you weren't there for your anniversary at all and you were nonchalant. Maybe this cold persona is her way of handling her hurt and embarrassment...i dunno.

 

If you want her to drop this 'self protective shield' ( and I'm a lil confused because do you want her back? or are u just trying to figure her out? ) then I would suggest that you stop being so cavalier or nonchalant when you talk to her. Don't completely change this, but shift a little from 'totally disinterested' to 'approachable' and see if that makes a difference in her attitude.

 

So why did you guys break up in the first place?

[studentoflaw]

Again, I'll give a little more background information. Original we just weren't getting along, always arguing, nothing really pervasive or drastic in my opinion. Like I said, she initially said we should take a break and have some time to ourselves. Things very quickly went downhill from there, though. She seems bipolar, and has the whole breakup.

 

In the beginning, things were essentially the same. We were essentially still together. She was always wanting to do things together etc... I hate to admit that I was looking to facebook for answers, but I will. For two months after the breakup her facebook photos of us and status as being in a relationship with me was unchanged. One day (and I mean from one day to the next) she stopped calling, texting and removed all the photos of us from online. I questioned her on why she disappeared and took down photos of us "all of the sudden" and her response was a simply "because we're broken up". As you can probably tell, that's really confusing to have done it 2 months after the breakup.

 

I of course expected that she had met someone else, and that's why I was not needed anymore. Shortly after I told her that I want nothing to do with her. That's when the rest of the story I've already told took place. (NC for a couple weeks, then she would text every once in a while).

 

I just wish it was straight forward. I hate playing "games"; Be honest about your feelings is my thought. And if she doesn't know, then she should tell me. But obviously I'm lost as to what is going on with her.

 

As for wanting to get back together...it's hard to say, because after her being open and flirty last week, I saw the "old" her, and I was happy. But when she turns cold and distant again, not only do I not want to be around someone like that, it's disrespectful to go back and forth on someone. Those things, combined with my suspicions about her behaviour before and during the breakup have me on the fence. I think if she approached me honestly, openly and wanted to talk about things I would at least hear her out.

 

Unfortunately, I think I have benefitted from the breakup far more than she has; I've learned to handle my emotions a lot better and to talk things out appropriately and honestly. In my opinion how she's been treating the situation and me during the breakup is far worse than any of our problems from when we were together. At this point in time, as long as she was open and honest, and REMAINED that way (haha), I would give it a go.

[MakestheBest]

In the beginning, things were essentially the same.

the same as in "not getting along"?

 

She sounds like she just mulls things over and tries to deal with it and then one day pep talks herself into being "strong" and it comes accross like a freak out. Did she identify the things she wanted you ( or you both )to work on specifically? And if so were those things worked on?

 

She obviously didn't meet anyone else, thats why she got involved in the someones else. How bad did this behavior get, was it unforgivable.

 

Has she always come accross as unstable? The though bipolar had floated through my mind as well reading ure posts.

[studentoflaw]

Let me clarify. When I said in the beginning things were essentially the same, I meant that things were going well. Things really weren't all that bad with our relationship, IMO. We were getting along great, until like I said, one day she cut it off. The only thing that she's ever said is that "maybe if I don't see you for a good couple of months, I'll miss you and want you back, if you want to get back together". There was never anything said about "fix this or that".

 

She hasn't always been the most stable person, IE, moody at times, but nothing this severe. A mutual friend who has known her as long as I have thinks "she's losing it" because everything she does these days is strange behaviour for her.

Basically, I truly want to make a last stand. I just don't know if I'll best serve myself by ignoring her, having a little contact, or just being open and honest and trying to talk with her.

 

IT started off with "of course I still love you...I just need space" to "maybe if I don't see you for a couple months...". So the entire breakup has been unstable on her end. Maybe that's why I'm sticking around, so to speak, because she's obviously in a bad way about things.

[MakestheBest]

First off...maybe you can be the one to teach me what "IMO" means...I have NO idea.

 

Second off, being that she's the one who is acting unstably, I think you bear the burden of being the more responsible and sensible. People always indirectly tell you what is on their mind if you can sit still and listen. Its harder to hear when you are busy protecting yourself as well. I think you should, not go away or go NC- it doesn't sound like you are ready to at any rate. keep a sensible distance, but focus on listening to what her actions are telling you. Its hard to go forward when you're not sure which direction to take. You are not going to have to wait for long, she seems to be very emotional and will contact you in some way soon. Just be easy and things will fall into place. They always do. ( BTW- I am clearly speaking to myself as well as you when i give this advice)

 

Cheers!

[studentoflaw]

haha, sorry. IMO means "In My Opinion"!

 

Anyway...Well, to be honest I am kind of torn between both pieces of advice that I have gotten on here, as I have also been thinking about both being the one who is more open and honest, since she is acting unstable and hot/cold, but I'm also wondering if she's simply more interested when I'm hard to get. It's hard to say, but I did contact her again tonight.

 

I just text messaged her asking her for her lecture notes for one of my classes that she has already taken. She said that she's too busy tonight, but tomorrow.

 

It feels like a lose-lose situation. 1. If I be more open and honest, and friendly, she may get turned off because I'm too easy and available. 2. If I act all cool and uncaring and disinterested, well, it seems to have accomplished both bad and good reactions from her.

 

I think I'll try to balance the two when and if I see her tomorrow. I'll try to be open and friendly, but still act like I'm happy being single. I'm wondering if I should lead the whole meeting into a casual date, as I'm already going to see some live music, but again, I'd be willing to bet my life saving's that she'll say no anyways.

 

Why can't people just be honest?

[MakestheBest]

well I've got a few years on you, and one thing that i've learned ( even just recently wit my own relationship) and I want to tell you that no matter what you do, the only decisions that you really regret are the ones that don't come from the heart. I've regretted all kinds of crap that i've done to manipulate a situation. I really don't remember regretting anything that I've done from the heart...If she is acting like a nut, you have to pick a stance and a point of view that most honestly conveys what you're feeling. ( while not making you look crazy-dont forget this point lol). Don't change your actions unless your feelings change. Don't change your actions to make her or get her to do anything. and you won't regret it. I promise. And if in the end this thing doesnt work out.

 

What do you have to live with, but acting like yourself. She's going to have to come to terms with her own behavior. Not you.

[studentoflaw]

I actually really like this advice (not that I was expecting to hate it )

 

I think what you describe is very noble. It's funny, I guess you put words to how I have sort of been feeling. I think I've either know than NC would be wrong, or that I at least won't be able to maintain it realistically. Also, I think that just trying to be more genuine is the way to go anyway. I get physically tired just from trying to come off as okay with everything and being overly confident.

 

I'm not as devastated anymore, but I'm also not over her, so I'll act accordingly. I think I'll do what you said. I'm just going to be myself and act on my true feelings and stop putting on a facade to manipulate her back. I know I will have to bite my tongue here and there, and maybe not show certain emotions or bring up certain topics, but that doesn't mean I have to act uninterested.

 

I'll treat her like a person who I want to be around, but that I'm balanced and can handle it either way.

 

I may be seeing her tomorrow to pick up some stuff for school, so hopefully that goes well. But I can never tell. I'll let you know how it goes though, haha

 

By the way, how is your situation going?

[MakestheBest]

I actually really like this advice (not that I was expecting to hate it )

 

LMAO!

 

I think what you describe is very noble.

Exactly, these are the things that test you and push you. Your response to this kind of stress and strife are is a big part of what defines who you are as a human being. I'm in my early thirties and it is still happening. I think this kind of growth happens forever to those who are enlightened enough to take it as the lesson that it is. I remember in grad school this famous photographer came and spoke to the student body and he was saying how He still learns and grows as a person. He was almost in his sixties! I loved that he looked at things that way.

 

By the way, how is your situation going?

Going, good...and slowly. I'm trying to train myself to be more comfortable with things not happening. We are dating again, but we are a bit distant, We havent spoken since the time we spend together on wed/thurs. But that time was really good and we are slowing becoming more open and caring. I've made up my mind to be honest with him ( and myself ) about my feelings (even tho he has a lot of issues, Ive always felt like I could tell him anything). So I'm putting the games away and I'm seeing him start to do the same thing. I'm relaxing and giving us until the end of March to see if it looks like we really are getting on the same page. And if not, then I'll have to painfully separate from this man I love again.

 

I'm trying to get on the whole marriage and kids wagon around 34 -36ish so I don't want to waste much more time. Thanks for asking.