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I think he is depressed.


pumpkinmoon

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My bf has so much going on in his life and is always on the go. He seems to have been finding it very hard, especially recently, because of everything he has to do but he doesn't seem to have enough time to do it all in.

 

We have been having a difficult time of it lately, but I didn't realise things were this bad until he told me.

 

I have been worried because he isn't getting enough sleep and he isn't eating properly.

 

He is very good with his hands and is quite tallented at making things. He decided over a year ago that he was going to make himself a bed. He did, but he still hasn't finished it. He told me he was working on it tonight. He has the structure of it done and has been sleeping on that but he is only just getting around to covering it with foam and fabric. Anyway, he cut the foam wrong and went a bit mental. Again he hadn't eaten.

 

Is there anyway I could help him in some way? I thought about cooking some meals for him so that he could put them in the freezer and eat them when he gets home from work instead of having to find something to eat himself but I don't have a clue what to do for him.

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Oh wow. He's lucky to have you, you know this right?

 

I'm not sure what advice to give other than kudos for recognizing this and being willing to help. I sometimes get depressed too. And I find that the best cure for it is some self love: making sure that I'm self actualizing, doing things that I know lead me on the path towards my dreams AND physical activity.

 

Sometimes the self actualizing thing is difficult when I'm in relationships because I forget about me and put the relationship, or the other person, ahead of myself. This, of course, is self destructive.

 

Maybe talk to him about the things that made him happy when he was still single. Encourage him to go back to those things, and give him the space and time to do so. Is there anything outdoors that you guys can do to get the body moving again? Those natural stimulants will do wonders for not only lifting mood, but normalizing sleep patterns and appetite.

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Sorry I don't think I explained myself very well.

 

Basically our problems recently have stemmed from me feeling neglected in the relationship. It almost ended a few weeks ago because I just couldn't take it anymore, but he said that he would try harder. Since then, things have been looking up. Thing is, I don't think I fully understood whatwas going on.

 

It's hard to explain. Although I know for sure that he wasn't putting enough effort in, and it wasn't fair to me, I'm starting to feel like it was more of a case of "couldn't" and not "wouldn't". He just doesn't have that much time.

 

His lack of sleep is because he gets up really early for work, and it's a physical job which makes it worse, then he goes to the gym, then hockey most night, somtimes until 1 or 2am. I know he is choosing to do these things, but knowing him, I can understand why he feels he "has" to do it, he just loves it all. The rpoblem is, he has taken on way to much and it seems he can't deal with it. I told him this, and also told him that he is going to burn himself out if he carries on but he wont listen.

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Oh OK. That paints a clearer picture! I apologize for not following your story closer, I actually have to work at my job lately so don't spend as much time as I used to on ENA.

 

So it is the opposite issue. He's doing so much for himself that he's not leaving enough time and energy for the relationship? Burning himself out? I can see how that would be hard on you and how this is exactly the opposite situation than what I thought it was.

 

Do you think he's emotionally fleeing something? On the flip side, if there is something I don't want to deal with, I'll fill my life up with distractions. This may or may not be my significant other. Sometimes it's just something random, a repressed memory, some sort of stresser that I don't feel equipped to handle. And yeah, I've had significant others complain that I'm not making time for them. It adds to the stress, but I didn't know any other way to cope.

 

If he's not willing to stop and deal with whatever is bugging him, you can't force him. Any attempt will likely make it worse.

 

I'm not sure if this is the best advice, but it is all I can offer right now. Tell him that you love him and that you are here for him no matter what. And then start doing things for yourself that make you happy so that you aren't placing so much importance on him. That should relieve him a little. Make sure you aren't doing it in a passive aggressive way. Don't intentionally push him away. Just make sure you are taking care of yourself.

 

And let him know that whenever he needs to lean on you, you will be there. But don't force it.

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Thanks

 

I told him to just ask me if there is anything he can think of that I can do to help. He has always been into hockey and going to the gym. Not doing those things is like not breathing to him. But like I said things have been looking up with us and I am starting to understand more. I am fine with things at the moment, just worried about him because he gets frustrated that he doesn't seem to have enough time to do everything that he wants to do. To be honest what he is trying to do isn't realistic and doing it is wearing him down but he can't cut stuff out because he loves doing it.

 

I just don't know what to do.

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I just don't know what to do.

 

I don't think you have to, or should do, anything. Other than be there for him. These things tend to work themselves out. He'll start dropping the ball here and there, and that will really bug him. Eventually he'll simply burn himself out and re-prioritize. It might be tough to watch, but that's kind of how it is. Stubborn people have to learn our lessons the hard way, and our loved ones can do nothing but watch from the sidelines with hopeful empathetic hearts.

 

Just make sure you are taking good care of yourself!

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