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OK, I need sex advice from men over 40!


Mauxly

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I've recently reconciled with my boyfriend. In everything else, I have absolutely no complaints. With new found communication skills, we are closer than ever, totally in love, great friends. He's being awesome, I couldn't ask for more...except...ugh...

 

His sex drive seems to be dwindling with me. Before the devastating break up, we were little sex monkeys, going at it gleefully multiple times a day. Couldn't keep our hands off of each other. As a 39 year old woman in her sexual prime, I couldn't have been happier with the situation. Then drama, nasty break up, 4 months apart re-evaluation who we are and how we relate to each other. Fabulous reconciliation and now he only wants it 2 times a week?! And even then the passion isn't what it used to be.

 

So I'm sort of eeked out. I don't doubt for a moment his love or commitment to me. But something has changed. I know that crazy lust thing wanes in all long term love relationships. But I've never seen it happen this fast.

 

And I wonder, is it a product of our age? He's 44. Does male sex drive drop at that age?

 

Or is it the dynamics of our relationship have changed so much. Now it is kind of work, rewarding work, but work. We force ourselves to communicate and stay open even when we would normally flee certain topics or just brush them aside. We don't fight anymore, we just talk. And feel closer afterwards. But has this begun to maybe feel more like a marriage to him? Is the excitement gone? Oh no!

 

I don't want to sound arrogant, but I'm not really questioning my physical attractiveness. Of course at 39 I don't look like I did at 18, but I'm aging remarkably gracefully, called a MILF (milf with no kids...) on a regular basis. No cellulite to be found anywhere, and a naturally good body without even having to work for it. I'm not a supermodel by any stretch, but I still get plenty of attention. So I don't think that's it.

 

I'm sexually adventurous, not crazy kinky or anything. But consider our bodies a playground and like to have fun. So I don't think he considers our sex life boring.

 

So what gives? And what can I do about it?

 

On the note of open communication, part of me thinks I should just talk to him about it. But I fear that it would add additional stress to the situation and make our love life even less sexy and spontaneous.

 

Thanks in advance for your help!

 

PS- In the past I've had no problem being the instigator, but you can only be denied so many times. Or get the feeling that he's doing it out of obligation rather than joy...sigh...so I don't instigate anymore.

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Is it possible that he was having sex so much before to please you when he might not have wanted it so often?

 

Gosh, it really didn't seem like it. But maybe you are right. Toward the end of our first relationship he started to back off.

 

I don't want to pressure him, and I can live with 2 times a week if that is normal for him. I'd rather have quality over quantity for sure! But I guess my larger concern is that he's still attracted to me, that things are truly OK on his end.

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I think you should focus on the qualilty not the quantity. Squeeze as much pleasure out of your time together and make it as meaningful as possible...

 

Thanks Bungalo! Yes, I can definitely do this. Like I said, my larger concern is that he's truly happy with how things are.

 

Do you think it's normal then, for a 44 year old man to only need sex 2 times a week?

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Gosh, it really didn't seem like it. But maybe you are right. Toward the end of our first relationship he started to back off.

 

I don't want to pressure him, and I can live with 2 times a week if that is normal for him. I'd rather have quality over quantity for sure! But I guess my larger concern is that he's still attracted to me, that things are truly OK on his end.

 

Have you talked to him about it?

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Have you talked to him about it?

 

Last week I said, "I'm concerned that maybe you aren't as attracted to me as you used to be. If there is anything I can do, let me know!"

 

He laughed and said that it wasn't the case at all, but that if he ever needed to he'd be sure to tell me what I could do to boost his attraction to me.

 

Other than that, no. I'm a HUGE advocate of open communication. But I also believe that situations like this are a bit touchy. There is nothing LESS attractive than an insecure woman. So I have to handle this in a graceful way.

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I agree. It certainly doesn't sound like he isn't attracted to you though of that question made him laugh

 

Do you think maybe because you have just gotten back together that he might be wanting to take things a bit more slowly?

 

Naw, we aren't taking things slowly. We are both in counseling to make sure neither of us screw the pooch again. We are definitely emotionally closer than ever before and spend a lot of quality time together. Lots of sleep overs where, well, we actually sleep! We used to keep each other up all night with our escapades. In retrospect that old behavior wasn't sustainable. We weren't sleeping!

 

Actually, just writing about this, getting it out, getting some advice has actually made me feel better. I think we just had a major shift from puppy love and full blown lust to something a little more healthy and sustainable.

 

I think I was making an issue out of a non-issue. One of the things I'm working on...

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Do you think it's normal then, for a 44 year old man to only need sex 2 times a week?

Not particularly. I don't have quite the stamina I did when I was 20, but I still have days when I want it 3 times in a 24 hour period. Sometimes I'll go 3-4 days without really being interested, but I can always be persuaded. The variance in my mood largely has to do with what I'm thinking about, not something physical.

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Ah I see. Thats probably it then. Because the relationship now seems to be a more mature one, you are actually talking about things more and spending time just enjoying each others company. I dont think you have anything to worry about. Maybe there will also be times when he wants it more often too.

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The variance in my mood largely has to do with what I'm thinking about, not something physical.

 

Hmmm....so my job, if I want to be the instigator again (and I most certainly do) is to try to find those emotional/intellectual triggers?

 

Throwing myself at him physically doesn't seem to do it. I can actually see how that could be a turn off, so I stopped that tactic.

 

Every individual is different, so I'm not sure if any advice on emo-intellectual triggers would be helpful. But just for kicks, what are the kind of things that a woman can do or say that would turn you on, without her actually doing anything overtly sexual?

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But just for kicks, what are the kind of things that a woman can do or say that would turn you on, without her actually doing anything overtly sexual?

Well, honestly, the times I can recall being immediately turned on were overtly sexual. For example, a woman talking about what she enjoyed the last time we had sex. Or to take another example, reading a well-done sex scene in a book has turned me on, though that isn't something you have any control over.

 

A lot of things are like that, really. Not something that you, as his partner, can control control. It seems it's often about thinking about sex in a new way in some way. For example, the books usually get me going because they present some new scenario, sometimes something that's completely trivial, but new to me, like thinking about a sexual position.

 

I think it's mostly about breaking out of the feeling that sex is routine.

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At the risk of stating the obvious, his age makes him a prime candidate for basic testosterone replacement therapy any time within the next ten years.

 

Many men find it beneficial. Many don't need it at all. But always, it is something that should be researched.

 

People think that an older man may not be able to sustain the libido he had when he was younger. That is true. He is actually capable of exceeding it in many ways!

 

Has more to do with what the two of you want out of your sex lives for the next 5-10 years. To decide this, a discussion is called for. Never underestimate what is possible, especially when you are a woman in your sexual prime.

 

As a man, he is lucky in that he gets to choose how strong his libido is going forward. That is a powerful and valuable option for any relationship.

 

I know exactly what decision I would make if given the choice (especially knowing how you describe yourself makes the choice crystal clear). Put me down for several years of amazing sex.

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I'm not a man but I thought I'll tell you my opinion. I have noticed that when men are/get very in touch with feelings and analysis that they lose their animalistic side, thus the sexual desire. They overthink and become cautious and then don't feel free enough. I remember he cheated so he must feel really bad and maybe afraid. Maybe on a subconscious level he is also repressing that side of him that caused the breakup. Is there any way you can get along without talking about your feelings too much? Lack of sexual desire is often because of feelings of inadequacy, or overanalysis and fear overall.

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Not true. It took me truly falling in love with my ex to be fully involved in the bedroom.

 

I meant more in the sense of the guy analysing the relationship a lot. Or crying a lot. What you mention above is true and the norm for both men and women.

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I'm not a man but I thought I'll tell you my opinion. I have noticed that when men are/get very in touch with feelings and analysis that they lose their animalistic side, thus the sexual desire. They overthink and become cautious and then don't feel free enough. I remember he cheated so he must feel really bad and maybe afraid. Maybe on a subconscious level he is also repressing that side of him that caused the breakup. Is there any way you can get along without talking about your feelings too much? Lack of sexual desire is often because of feelings of inadequacy, or overanalysis and fear overall.

 

This can happen. Good insight.

 

It is one of the pitfalls that a lot of men fall into. Very very common problem. And it is the man's fault when this occurs. It often happens pretty early in relationships. When guy starts getting touchy feely, boom the woman doesn't feel as attracted to the man or worse, the opposite. Things slip. Very important that a man recognize when this is happening and avoid the bad result. Bad to lose sight of the things that cause the deepest of attractions between a man and a woman.

 

Very possible this is underlying what is happening here.

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This can happen. Good insight.

 

It is one of the pitfalls that a lot of men fall into. Very very common problem. And it is the man's fault when this occurs. It often happens pretty early in relationships. When guy starts getting touchy feely, boom the woman doesn't feel as attracted to the man or worse, the opposite. Things slip. Very important that a man recognize when this is happening and avoid the bad result. Bad to lose sight of the things that cause the deepest of attractions between a man and a woman.

 

Very possible this is underlying what is happening here.

 

Well, he's gotten pretty touchy feely and BOOM, I'm more attracted to him than ever. There is very little conflict in our relationship now because when either of us feel eeked about something, we just talk it out instead holding it in for a major explosion later (which is where we went wrong in the first go-round).

 

I over reacted. He texted me today for a lunch hour quicky. We are fine. Like I said, our relationship is maturing, it is a change that's all. I'm Ok with where it's at.

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