What would you think of this email?

[Ms Darcy]

If you wanted to work things out, I've no doubt he would give that a chance. He sounds crazy for you, but like he just doesn't feel the same from you. It may take him a few days to clear his head - doesn't mean he isn't missing you.

 

Thanks hon. That would be nice if he cared that much.

[Ms Darcy]

I love your action oriented attitude, honey. Thank you. He did note that he was hurting when I spoke to him briefly on the phone after I received the email. I appreciate your points and I will be more action oriented when next I see him.

[Ms Darcy]

He called tonight and asked me how my day was. He told me that he'd been sick today and that he felt icky. He asked me if I wanted to go to church with him and his kids tomorrow (he has visitation). I said that the invitation is an honor and I thanked him for that. I said that his church is nice, I always enjoy the people, and it would be nice to be there when I'm not in pain as I was a few weeks ago.

 

I informed him that I would meet him at this home and I asked him for the address. I looked up the bus route online and he lamented that his internet at home was not working. He said that he wished that he was over at my place because I have internet. I didn't say anything. He then said he would want to be here for that among other things. I remained silent. Not sure what to say to that. He then remarked that maybe he shouldn't have said anything but he was trying to be honest. I told him that honesty was a good thing.

 

He followed-up that he realized that he had really taken for granted that he was welcomed to stay in my home, to wander around in my rooms, to use my other computer freely, and that I host his children at my house when he has visitation. I told him that really meant a lot to me and I thanked him for that.

 

I thanked him and told him to have a good night.

 

Just a moment ago, I missed a call from him. He left a message that he was watching the Opening Ceremonies at the Olympics and wondered if I was watching too. ... Um ... what?

 

I am cautiously optimistic that we will meet up tomorrow. It means a lot that he's going to have me around the kiddies tomorrow since he said last night that he was not going to have me around them tomorrow given the circumstances. It's also interesting that he asked me not to call him, to give him a few days of space, and the second that I do, he's calling and calling. I certainly hope this means that he wants to build a stronger relationship.

[MakestheBest]

Lol...let me find out he's caving already. Love that!

 

I really think that the "come over to my house" thing is more of a feeling like he's always at your beck and call and on your terms. Your house prob IS more comfortable in fact. Its the SAME issue with me and my....current ( gotta stop calling him my ex ). We have had tiffs over me staying over his place all the time ( Looong subway commute). I have the better set up, but his house is more fun, better neighborhood, more people to hang out with. I like staying at his place more, but the fact that I ALWAYS do, makes me feel like I'm at his beck and call.

[Ms Darcy]

Lol...let me find out he's caving already. Love that!

 

I really think that the "come over to my house" thing is more of a feeling like he's always at your beck and call and on your terms. Your house prob IS more comfortable in fact. Its the SAME issue with me and my....current ( gotta stop calling him my ex ). We have had tiffs over me staying over his place all the time ( Looong subway commute). I have the better set up, but his house is more fun, better neighborhood, more people to hang out with. I like staying at his place more, but the fact that I ALWAYS do, makes me feel like I'm at his beck and call.

 

Wow, it sounds like you have a lot of understanding of his perspective.

 

... And Good luck on the rep points! It won't let me keep repping you!!!

[MakestheBest]

Lol..i know..it give you that..."spread the love" message.

 

Its amazing how so many of our stories parallel each other. This post really speaks to me tho, I'm so glad I can help.

[Ms Darcy]

I am learning.

 

Yesterday, I took public transportation for two hours to meet him for church. He greeted me with a hug outside of his car and his kids sat playing their gameboys in the backseat. We attended church while I cuddled and sang with his daughter. On the car ride back, we laughed and chatted and that was fun. He dropped me off at the train station and I made my way home.

 

He came over today and we spoke. He told me that his email really outlined how he was feeling, though he hadn't known the feelings in his heart in totality until that point. He noted that he felt fuzzy about being at my place because he didn't know his role: he's not a roommate but yet he's not just a guest. He noted that part of his motivation for doing things for me was to buy his way into the place or to somehow gain some control over the situation. He acknowledged that some of these actions were unhealthy and codependent. So, he's going to try to focus on places where he has a definable role (soundboard operator at church, daddy with the kids, roommate at home, worker at work etc). He's going to try to be ok with the ambiguity that he has at my place; at the same time, he still wants a role.

 

We neither of us know what his role should be since "boyfriend" hasn't really been enough. And we noted that defining his place is worth more thought and discussion in the future.

 

He asked me what I thought about things and I remarked that we have an unhealthy pattern where I do "something" which triggers his anger, he lashes out, I withdraw, he feels unloved and ignored, we both retreat with hurt and anger, and finally comeback to talk later to talk but with lingering resentments. He admitted that he has an anger problem and needs to learn how to deal with the out of control feeling - to take healthy steps. I was happy to hear this and told him that this was the first time he has said it's his responsbility to manage his anger because his usual response is indicating that I need to pay attention and not do things to trigger him.

 

He noted his concern that we are ok when we spend a few days a week together, but when we are together for more than that, we start to have problems. I agreed yet indicated that we don't have the trust, anger management, and conflict resolution skills to spend a lot of time with each other with patience and understanding.

 

I suggested therapy and he seemed open to it.

 

Afterwards, we went to a coffee shop/art show. On the ride home, I asked him how he felt about the 'us' and he said that he felt squeamish. I didn't say anything, but that did bother me.

 

Looking forward, I have to recognize that we are both unsure right now and that no amount of talking will change the feelings. Talking is a good way to gain understanding, but it won't erase pent-up doubts. I have to be patient.

 

Any advice for me as I move forward?

[DN]

I think you gave yourself the best advice - be patient.

 

It is interesting that you can't agree on a label for the relationship - how would you define it? And what would you want it to be in the future?

[Ms Darcy]

I think you gave yourself the best advice - be patient.

 

It is interesting that you can't agree on a label for the relationship - how would you define it? And what would you want it to be in the future?

 

Hi there. Thanks for the feedback.

 

We are definitely still bf/gf. I think that in terms of his role in my home though "boyfriend" doesn't mean much to him. I guess I should have clarified that that's what I meant. He's over too much to be a 'guest' but not over enough to be a roommate.

 

I think you asked me what I want for the future and I didn't answer it! In terms of the future, I would like to develop a loving, happy, communicative, passionate relationship. I would like to have a long-term partnership where we know how to resolve conflict in a healthy way. And I would like for us to have no doubts that we want to be with each other.

[DN]

I think you asked me what I want for the future and I didn't answer it! In terms of the future, I would like to develop a loving, happy, communicative, passionate relationship. I would like to have a long-term partnership where we know how to resolve conflict in a healthy way. And I would like for us to have no doubts that we want to be with each other.

Have you expressed that to him?

[Ms Darcy]

I have said everything except that I would like for us to not have doubts that we want to be together.

[lavenderdove]

Well, you can't 'decide' to not have doubts, because doubts bubble up from a less logical place in the brain...

 

The best way to alleviate doubts is to build more positive time together without fights etc. I'd put into action some of the things he says he wants from you, and don't 'hover' over the relationship constantly like checking a souffle in the oven.

 

That could be what he is squeamish about, since many people find it hard to talk about emotions and feelings and it scares them. So i'd really shift to trying to do some of the things he says he needs to feel better, and check in with him maybe once a week to see how he's feeling, but otherwise just try to bond and build positive experiences with him.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, you can't 'decide' to not have doubts, because doubts bubble up from a less logical place in the brain...

 

The best way to alleviate doubts is to build more positive time together without fights etc. I'd put into action some of the things he says he wants from you, and don't 'hover' over the relationship constantly like checking a souffle in the oven.

 

That could be what he is squeamish about, since many people find it hard to talk about emotions and feelings and it scares them. So i'd really shift to trying to do some of the things he says he needs to feel better, and check in with him maybe once a week to see how he's feeling, but otherwise just try to bond and build positive experiences with him.

 

Excellent advice. I have a tendency to want to talk and process [read: overprocess].

 

He came over for V-day, I made him a salad, we talked, he showed me some funnies on the internet, and we went to an art show. That was a small step, but a start. I am going to call more and cook for/eat with him whenever he's over. We're going to a mental health group meeting Wednesday night and I'm hosting his kids at my place this Saturday. I might scrounge up a board game so we all can play together. We were even talking about a day trip to go skiing.

 

So, yes, I do agree more 'doing things' and less 'talking' is very important. ... We'll leave the doubt discussions alone.

[DN]

Excellent advice. I have a tendency to want to talk and process [read: overprocess].

 

He came over for V-day, I made him a salad, we talked, he showed me some funnies on the internet, and we went to an art show. That was a small step, but a start. I am going to call more and cook for/eat with him whenever he's over. We're going to a mental health group meeting Wednesday night and I'm hosting his kids at my place this Saturday. I might scrounge up a board game so we all can play together. We were even talking about a day trip to go skiing.

 

So, yes, I do agree more 'doing things' and less 'talking' is very important. ... We'll leave the doubt discussions alone.

Looks like you are on the right track - this is very encouraging.

[Maya_A]

Hey Ms. Darcy...

 

You are in very good hands here, I see. Some great advice & support.

 

I just wanted to chime in to let you know that my heart is with you in this...

 

Wishing for you both -- courage, strength, insight, healing, patience, commitment to self learning, peace, and love...

[Ms Darcy]

Thank you Maya and everyone. Still plodding along - one day at a time.

 

Yesterday was like heaven. Falling in love again.

 

Today was miserable. He blew up at me when I suggested that maybe he could take his workout bike home and workout there instead of at my place. We were scheduled to be in the same space 5/7 days together. I feel like we need to build to getting to that place since we don't have the conflict resolution skills.

 

It's frustrating talking about spending time apart and having him say, "Well, how are you going to have kids? How are you going to get married where you spend all day together everyday?" I want to say, "Well, if you had respected your wife's space, maybe she wouldn't have left you." Not nice, I know. But it's really annoying. He yells at people and then expects them to put up with it. And he takes plenty of space from his kids. He just doesn't call it that. He wanders off or does other things or leaves them with me. It's all space without the title.

 

Then we spent an hour talking about how we did and did not trust each other. ](*,) (I cannot remember it all. He didn't trust me to be logical. I didn't trust him to care about my feelings. He didn't trust me not to be aloof and oblivious to his feelings. I didn't trust him to not have higher expectations for me than he does for himself. He didn't trust me to answer his questions in a logical, reasonable order. I didn't trust him to not unconsciously sabatoge the relationship. Very interesting conversation that brought up lots of junk).

 

We really really need therapy. Setting that up is my goal for this week.

[Lucius]

I think it would do wonders for you both if he could learn to better control his temper/better express his emotions. Consistent, unnecessary anger is so counter-productive to the development of mutual trust and respect. It's a mini grenade that blows everything out of proportion...

[Ms Darcy]

Agreed. I sent him an email link to an article about anger in relationships. I then send him a list of five things I was thankful for him doing the other night.

 

Counterbalance I suppose.