What would you think of this email?

[konstantine]

I think it means get the heck off ENA and spend some quality cuddling time with him! That is, if he wants back in.

[Ms Darcy]

That is, if he wants back in.

 

That's the question. Did you read post #38?

[DN]

He asked if you wanted to go out with him to the Art Gallery (or whatever it was).

 

That does not seem like someone who is done with the relationship. If you can talk to him, tell him you appreciate his concerns and can convince him things will change I think you may be able to retrieve this.

[Ms Darcy]

He asked if you wanted to go out with him to the Art Gallery (or whatever it was).

 

That does not seem like someone who is done with the relationship. If you can talk to him, tell him you appreciate his concerns and can convince him things will change I think you may be able to retrieve this.

 

Thank you DN. No matter what, you have been there for me. I cannot put into words how much that means.

 

We've been hurt by each other a lot lately. If he's game, I am definitely willing to work on things in a gentle and determined way. I am a little uncertain about trying to convince him of anything. Should I be working to convince someone to be with me? I would like to offer validation and love, I would like to hear his feelings, and I would like to spend more time sharing things together. I hesitate to try to convince. That seems to push people away.

[savagegirl]

I don't think he's done either. I think he wrote the email to get your attention, and it's worked. I really think you need to give a little more in the relationship, let him into your life and your heart a little more. He asked you to go to the art gallery so that shows he is willing to give you both a chance to work on things. If he wanted to end things, he wouldn't be doing that.

[FreedomRing]

Ms Darcy,

 

I read your thread earlier and had something to say....and I just reread your bf's letter because I wanted to confirm my earlier thoughts.

 

I strongly agree with Marshmlofluff and her perspective on this.

 

Having been the recipient of a similar sort of letter, filled with criticisms from an ex boyfriend, I bet I have an idea of how you felt once you recieved his note. And it doesn't feel good. Particularly, if some of the criticisms were things that he never voiced, leaving you blindsided..

 

The tone of his email and list of critiques just does not bode well with me.

 

Do I think he is 'done'? No, necessarily, but starting each sentence with "I am done with...." leads me to believe that while he may not be ending the relationship in its totality, he is not going to be putting forth anymore effort either.

 

To me, whenever a partner starts feeling this way, it sets up a scenario where one partner is sitting back, kicking their feet up(him) while the other is profusely working to meet their standards or improve with their actions being measured or graded by the initial 'list of faults'.

 

I don't like his approach at all. He's scolding you for being you...

 

Perhaps he has been harboring these feelings for a while(in my case, my ex had a problem with bottling things) and this may be why the tone is coming off so condescending...i dunno.

 

I am also with you on having to 'convince' someone to be with you. I can certainly understand why you would feel that way, given the circumstances.

[MakestheBest]

I'm missing a page or two when I'm posting this so i hope i'm not speaking over anyone.

The person I am in ( working on) a relationship now is similarly distant, so I want to read thru your posts and hopefully it will help me gain a better understanding of him:

 

I do think I have been there for him as I can. I reimburse him for rides or for food that he happens to pick up food for me from the store.

 

He can be short tempered if I don't pay 100% attention to a movie, so I have been avoiding watching movies recently. But we have had a couple of conversations recently about some things we both want in the relationship. I was trying to ask him to be less responsible for some things going on at my home (he gets angry if I don't lock up my mailbox, but the key is broken) and to be a little bit more patient with me before blowing up at me with anger.

 

He doesn't want to be LESS responsible or REIMBURSED for helping you. He feels that is his duty and by trying to look out for you and take care of you it shows that you are 'together". When you pay him for it it makes him feel like a day-laborer. And when you tell him "don't help me at home" it hurts his feelings. I guarantee it.

 

I broke up with my guy- the last straw was when he said something that was basically like " I dont need you to take care of me when I'm sick" it sound silly but to me it was profound and really hurtful. " I don't need you..." was all I heard. No one wants to be in a relationship that they don't fit into.

 

I think his " last straw " message is still giving room to you to fix it. The question is do you want to. You would have to change some.

[thejigsup]

I am very much like you and refuse to babysit a man's feelings. His feelings are not wrong, they just won't work with a person who needs a lot of time alone and who is not overtly affectionate. I hate sitting together watching t.v.! I hate cuddling in bed. I'm not bad, I just don't enjoy those things. I like to spend time reading and being on the computer. That's just me and I wouldn't be happy changing myself. Your bf needs interaction and a lot of attention from his partner. There is nothing wrong with that, but he shouldn't demand it from you. You are not selfish and he is not controlling. You are two good people who are just mismatched. My bf is like me and we get along well. We don't expect to be entertained by our partners.

[MakestheBest]

Should I be working to convince someone to be with me? I would like to offer validation and love, I would like to hear his feelings, and I would like to spend more time sharing things together. I hesitate to try to convince. That seems to push people away.

 

Dont think of it as trying to convince him to be with you...You should more be convincing him that you understand what he is saying and are willing to take serious steps to have things work out. He already loves you, you don't have to convince him of that.

 

Do I think he is 'done'? No, necessarily, but starting each sentence with "I am done with...." leads me to believe that while he may not be ending the relationship in its totality, he is not going to be putting forth anymore effort either.

 

I dont agree with freedom ring, I also don't see his statement as coming accross as condescending. I think he feels as though he has put up with a lot of things that have made him unhappy and he is "done" with doing that. He is hurt not patronizing. I dont think he will " do nothing " if you try to reconnect. He may be a bit resistant because he doesnt want to get hurt and also, he may not believe at first that you will change so easily.

 

More on the "paying for rides thing". He feels the same way your father or mother, or sister would feel if you offered to pay for such a thing...like " this is my duty to you, why are you doing this?"

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think he's done either. I think he wrote the email to get your attention, and it's worked. I really think you need to give a little more in the relationship, let him into your life and your heart a little more. He asked you to go to the art gallery so that shows he is willing to give you both a chance to work on things. If he wanted to end things, he wouldn't be doing that.

 

It certainly got my attention. I do think I can give a little more in the relationship in the way of appreciation, time shared together, affection. The question is how does one recover from hurt? I've been reading some advice on that from Al Turtle and I wonder if counseling isn't the way for us to go.

[Ms Darcy]

Thank you for the response. Hurt and anger are amazing little creatures. It's definitely clear that I'll need to give him the space he requested and see if he's willing to work with me.

 

I have been thinking this through and I recognize that two important pieces play into my distance in the relationship. One is becoming comfortable with simply getting on the computer and spending time away from him. Two is trying to steele myself from his negative reactions.

 

I mentioned it before but not fully; he has a short fuse. Although not as severe, it's almost like Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde. For the most part he is kind and loving. There are times, however, when he can be extremely angry and or critical and trying to talk to him simply does not work.

 

Part of this is attributable to his depression/anxiety. We had a long car ride to Nashville this past Thanksgiving, where he hadn't taken his meds. For lack of a better term, he went crazy. Everything I said, or didn't say, was wrong. That made the 14 hours really really long. That trip was so bad that even he acknowledged it and spent a week away from me, getting back on schedule with his meds. But I don't think I have fully recovered.

 

I still shy away and withdraw when there is anger and/or criticism. Peace at any price. Then he feels ignored and unloved. I think this cycle is the single most repeated, core issue that undergirds our relationship. At this point, I wonder if it doesn't amount to emotional abuse. I certainly think that if we are going to grow closer, I have to let go of the emotional fear I have of him and I think we really need counseling for that.

[MakestheBest]

I still shy away and withdraw when there is anger and/or criticism. Peace at any price. Then he feels ignored and unloved. I think this cycle is the single most repeated, core issue that undergirds our relationship. At this point, I wonder if it doesn't amount to emotional abuse. I certainly think that if we are going to grow closer, I have to let go of the emotional fear I have of him and I think we really need counseling for that.

 

You're doing it already...recognizing parts you may have played and looking for ways to change them...Just take the time you think you need and then communicate those things to him. Very Happy for your possibilities.

[Ms Darcy]

I do hear this and he has said that he feels like he can feel like a worker when I pay him for rides. At the same time, he resents things too. In terms of my broken mailbox, he resents that I haven't fixed it. At the same time, he resents it when I ask him to fix something.

 

My mother did give me a good suggestion about that one which was to say: "Hey, I am having a problem with my mailbox. Would you have time to fix it in the next week? If not, I'll just grab the maintanence guy to take care of it."

 

I do wonder if someone reaches their "last straw" if they are actually willing to be open to an improved relationship or if they are simply watching you for mistakes.

[Ms Darcy]

I am very much like you and refuse to babysit a man's feelings. His feelings are not wrong, they just won't work with a person who needs a lot of time alone and who is not overtly affectionate. I hate sitting together watching t.v.! I hate cuddling in bed.

 

The irony is that my previous bf was "like me" and I hated it. I wanted to cuddle, talk, do things together. I want what my bf wants. I am realizing that there are resentments as well as anger and withdrawal issues that were making that difficult for me to give. I do appreciate your feedback.

[FreedomRing]

I do hear this and he has said that he feels like he can feel like a worker when I pay him for rides. At the same time, he resents things too. In terms of my broken mailbox, he resents that I haven't fixed it. At the same time, he resents it when I ask him to fix something.

 

My mother did give me a good suggestion about that one which was to say: "Hey, I am having a problem with my mailbox. Would you have time to fix it in the next week? If not, I'll just grab the maintanence guy to take care of it."

 

I do wonder if someone reaches their "last straw" if they are actually willing to be open to an improved relationship or if they are simply watching you for mistakes.

 

^^^^His willingness at this point is definitely something to inquire about. I understand that he invited you to the art gallery; which is great. But I just would be feeling like I was walking on eggshells at this point(truthfully, given his varying behavior at times, it seems like you walk on eggshells a bit anyway).

 

You have two different perspectives gathered on this thread. I hope you are able to get some insight.

 

Counseling sounds like a good idea for sure. Is he open to that?

[thejigsup]

Well, if you want to be closer as a couple, you BOTH have to work on it. It can't be just you. You need to be able to trust that he won't go off on you about nothing. That is a BIG thing. He has to admit that he helped contribute to the way you relate to him, or don't. You have to admit that you have been scared and hurt and have been reluctant to work on this in a healthy manner. You both need to learn how to handle tough situations. He can't blow up at you and make insane demands and you can't withdraw and ignore him. I wish you luck. I do think you love each other.

[Ms Darcy]

^^^^His willingness at this point is definitely something to inquire about.

 

Counseling sounds like a good idea for sure. Is he open to that?

 

I think he would be open to it. He's in individual counseling.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, if you want to be closer as a couple, you BOTH have to work on it. It can't be just you. You need to be able to trust that he won't go off on you about nothing. That is a BIG thing. He has to admit that he helped contribute to the way you relate to him, or don't. You have to admit that you have been scared and hurt and have been reluctant to work on this in a healthy manner. You both need to learn how to handle tough situations. He can't blow up at you and make insane demands and you can't withdraw and ignore him. I wish you luck. I do think you love each other.

 

Thank you dear. I agree with all that you say. Very much appreciated.

[Ms Darcy]

Do you think I should send him an email response to the email?

[MakestheBest]

Do you think I should send him an email response to the email?

Yes! take a little time to think it out first tho. And whatever you say just make sure he understands that you see where he is coming from.....hmm maybe you should call as he is complaining you are too distant!

[Ms Darcy]

Yes! take a little time to think it out first tho. And whatever you say just make sure he understands that you see where he is coming from.....hmm maybe you should call as he is complaining you are too distant!

 

I did call him yesterday, but he was not ready to talk much.

[MakestheBest]

He just needs a little time, let the dust settle a bit. Write it out in an email and save it as a draft. Then figure out the best time to send it to him,based off of how you are interacting. Take time to do all the edits you need.

[Ms Darcy]

I keep going back and forth. One or two days to talk won't kill me.

 

Now, wouldn't that be a bummer if he wanted to break up on Sunday - V-Day?

[BriarRose]

If you wanted to work things out, I've no doubt he would give that a chance. He sounds crazy for you, but like he just doesn't feel the same from you. It may take him a few days to clear his head - doesn't mean he isn't missing you.

[lavenderdove]

When people are really done, you usually get very little explanation and they try to beat a quick retreat.

 

He on the other hand was giving you a long list of things that he was feeling, and he actually gave you some very concrete (and easy) things you could do to fix it.

 

For example, he mentioned meals and coming to where he is. Why not rather than just suggesting more 'talk' about this, tell him you'd like to come to where he is and cook him dinner. Even if he's at someone else's house, you can cook everyone dinner!

 

If you have been ill recently, he might be feeling very neglected and like his own needs are on the back burner. So pick out some of the obvious things he says he needs in that email, and just go do them!

 

And don't sit at your computer at all when you're around him for a while, at least until this spat is behind you and you have lots of time together and he won't mind.

 

So take that email and extract from it specific things you can do that he wants you to do, and just start doing them! Action speaks louder than words in many cases.

 

He also has a very hurt tone to that email, like he's not even sure if you really care about him. So tell him what he means to you, and do spend time cuddling with him and giving him your full attention when he comes to your house. Since he's not there all the time, that should be easy enough for you to do.

 

When people are upset, they frequently spill every little detail that has ever bothered them, and honestly, many of them aren't that important to them, they're just agitated. When they calm down, they may 'give' on the lot of points and realize they were overreacting, but you do have to try to more than meet him in the middle for a while to show him you really want him, you'rr listening to what he says and considering his feelings, and that you're trying to give him what he needs so that both of you can have a good relationship.