What would you think of this email?

[Ms Darcy]

I can understand that. It seems as though he needs to be more understanding in certain situations but I think both of you need to put the effort in to make it work.

 

Also, shouting at you is unacceptable.

 

 

He is much improved in that area, but that is definitely an on-going issue.

[pumpkinmoon]

You know what? I think you should just email him with what you want. I presume it is to work things out? If so tell him this, also tell him where you think you can improve, but also where you think he needs to improve too. Be as honest as possible. If that isn't good enough for him then I don't know what is.

[Ms Darcy]

From all of the things he said, I would probably feel the same way he did.

 

It seems he has tried to make an effort to have a relationship and you guys just did not see eye to eye.

 

If he gives you another chance, you should try to go out more with him. Surprise him at his house. Eat the foods he wants to eat.

 

Best of luck, Chris

 

Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate it. I wonder how to get ot his house ... he doesn't usually want me to come over to his home because he's been crashing with his friend for months. I wonder how to deal with that one.

[pumpkinmoon]

Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate it. I wonder how to get ot his house ... he doesn't usually want me to come over to his home because he's been crashing with his friend for months. I wonder how to deal with that one.

 

So he comes over to your place instead? In that case, how does he not expect to have to drive over there?

[Ms Darcy]

So he comes over to your place instead? In that case, how does he not expect to have to drive over there?

 

Yeah, he comes over to my place. I'm not sure what the answer is there. I think he just really wants to feel welcomed when he does come by.

[pumpkinmoon]

Yeah, he comes over to my place. I'm not sure what the answer is there. I think he just really wants to feel welcomed when he does come by.

 

I just asked that because the driving seems to be one of the issues he has. In this case, I don't see what harm it would do to have a treat or something waiting for him. Something to make him feel special. Maybe you could cook a meal ready for when he gets there or bake him a cake. Obviously I am talking when you are fit and well again.

[Ms Darcy]

I just asked that because the driving seems to be one of the issues he has. In this case, I don't see what harm it would do to have a treat or something waiting for him. Something to make him feel special. Maybe you could cook a meal ready for when he gets there or bake him a cake. Obviously I am talking when you are fit and well again.

 

I think those are good ideas. I appreciate it.

[marshmlofluff]

I agree with these comments...at the same time, Ms_Darcy...again I don't know the context of the whole situation, but just from that e-mail, I would say one could go either way on this relationship. You seem like a sensitive person, and even if he has issues with the relationship, something makes me uneasy about the way he talks to you. His laundry list of things that are wrong is accusatory, negative, and critical, and I see no sympathy for your recent surgery.

 

He also seems to have quite a sense of entitlement; he doesn't have the right to expect you to eat with him, or eat what he cooks, or anything. My own ex had a serious zoo of idiosyncracies. He didn't use the Internet, he talked on and on and onandonandon about boring legal things, he was allergic to every kind of food you could imagine--so we could never go to restaurants, and he had to interrupt whatever we were doing to pee every twenty minutes. His quirks were annoying, but I loved him, quirks and all...I cannot imagine sending him an e-mail consisting solely of all the things that were wrong with him, or that he should change if he wished to please me.

 

To me, that is love; accepting someone the way they are, and being kind and compassionate when you need to address problems. I grew up in DC, also car-less and riding the Metro. Unlike the boonies where I am now, there are a whole lot of nice fellas there. If someone makes you feel bad about who you are, don't bend over backwards to keep him. Again, I don't know what your circumstances are, and it is hard to tell from a single e-mail. But just keep that in mind.

[Ms Darcy]

To be candid, and perhaps it's just the feeling that I have at the moment, but I feel as if nothing I have done really matters at this point. It feels like he has no interest in working things through together with love and wants to move. My heart hurts with that because I do feel as if I've been there for him emotionally no matter what he's thrown at me.

[Lucius]

To be candid, and perhaps it's just the feeling that I have at the moment, but I feel as if nothing I have done really matters at this point. It feels like he has no interest in working things through together with love and wants to move. My heart hurts with that because I do feel as if I've been there for him emotionally no matter what he's thrown at me.

 

Saying "it feels like he has no interest in [such and such]" is a course I'd advise against. Unless you're a mind-reader, it really is best not to guess what someone else is feeling; it's better to simply share your own feelings, and in the course of that exchange, discover his true feelings directly.

 

Unless you're projecting here, and it's actually you who's had enough?

 

Having said that, and while I do disagree with some of the judgments being made about this fellow, I can agree that he WAS quite negative in his email. Honest, but negative. It's a shame he didn't balance he concerns and criticisms with something positive ... something affirming.

[DN]

I think if someone has determined to break up with their partner, the reasons they give are bound to be negative. Now, it is possible to go two ways here. Either you take the e-mail as a definitive breakup and move on, in which case it really doesn't matter if the reasons are valid or not - the relationship is over. You could use it as a learning tool to see if anything he says is true and apply that to a future relationship but trying to deconstruct his reasons from his perspective is really pointless.

 

But if you want to reconcile then it is important to see things from his perspective in order to be able to properly discuss how to fix the relationship - and switching these things around to put the blame on him won't serve you. You will need to listen, discuss, negotiate and compromise - and blame will just get in the way of that.

[Ms Darcy]

Saying "it feels like he has no interest in [such and such]" is a course I'd advise against. Unless you're a mind-reader, it really is best not to guess what someone else is feeling; it's better to simply share your own feelings, and in the course of that exchange, discover his true feelings directly.

 

I understand everything you say here. I especially value what you said above in italics.

[Ms Darcy]

We just spoke on the phone briefly. He asked me if I still wanted to go to an art show on Sunday and I said yes and invited him to go ice skating right before that. We decided on a rink that would be easy for me to get to by public transport.

 

I asked him how he was doing and he told me that he was doing ok. He said that he's reprioritizing his life/schedule and he's trying to think of ways to focus more on himself. I said I understood and think that is a good thing to do.

 

I noted that what I took away from his email was that he wanted a more interdependent relationship with me. He replied that this was one way to see it. He said that he's not sure where the relationship is going but that he's looking forward to more. He's said it's not just about doing things in the same room together but interconnecting our lives. I responded that I appreciated that because it was a very positive statement. I also said that his email did provide me with some of the "how" that he was hoping for and that the other details can be discussed.

 

I said that he seemed a bit distant and he replied that he's in "working" mode and not "touchy, feely" mode. I said that's fair and I thanked him for the conversation.

 

So, it's pretty clear that he's not sure where things are going to go with us. I am not either. It's a tough road to feel like the one you love is ready to leave. I would say that what he is wanting now is what I had been asking for so long. During the height of his depression, I asked for us to go out more, go on dates, etc and he wasn't able to. So, in trying to be positive, this is a good opportunity to get out and experience life a bit more together.

 

After six straight days together due to the storm, I imagine that some of this is related to all that forced closeness. I had been chomping at the bit for some 'alone' time (where I work quietly on the computer). Yet when I am alone in the same room, it doesn't feel like any 'alone' time, so I need more and more of it. Of all the things he mentioned, I can understand how this makes him feel alone. And then when he'd lose his temper with me, that extended the amount of alone time I needed to recover. I know that this might have brought some flashbacks to his marriage as he felt very unloved there too (she said because he was emotionally abusive and controlling).

 

I am glad I reached out to him, especially since he is feeling alone. That's the last thing I want. It's hard to change your whole paradigm overnight though. I don't want to blame him, but I would like to negotiate. Lasting change comes from small steps. I think some changes can happen on both sides.

[Ms Darcy]

But if you want to reconcile then it is important to see things from his perspective in order to be able to properly discuss how to fix the relationship - and switching these things around to put the blame on him won't serve you. You will need to listen, discuss, negotiate and compromise - and blame will just get in the way of that.

 

I agree. Looking from the outside in, I can see how he can view me as emotionally unavailable. For me, I had always viewed it as getting healthy space from the partner.

 

It doesn't do me any good to be negative. Thank you for these points.

[GrowingUp]

he sounds like a great guy who wants more, if you really want to be with him you should work it out. I'm a hopeless romantic though so I don't know if I'm right. Good luck girl.

[Ms Darcy]

he sounds like a great guy who wants more, if you really want to be with him you should work it out. I'm a hopeless romantic though so I don't know if I'm right. Good luck girl.

 

Thank you hon. He is a great guy and he does want more. I'm also a hopeless romantic too ... just with a practical streak.

 

I spend so much time preaching that ladies should give men space and here I go neglecting my own.

[JackAfrica]

If you really want to repair this relationship the first step consists of taking his grievances seriously. Your attempts at distorting , blame shifting and switching faults is not going to help you here - it will drive you and he further apart.

 

You have a choice to make here- either you continue to minimize his complaints and defend yourself, or work on yourself to fix the behaviors that he is unhappy about.

[Ms Darcy]

If you really want to repair this relationship the first step consists of taking his grievances seriously. Your attempts at distorting , blame shifting and switching faults is not going to help you here - it will drive you and he further apart.

 

You have a choice to make here- either you continue to minimize his complaints and defend yourself, or work on yourself to fix the behaviors that he is unhappy about.

 

I have said a lot in this thread. Can you please share where you think I am distorting, blame shifting, and shifting faults?

[JackAfrica]

Here is what I am talking about .

This reply by you is littered with self defense, minimizing, excuses and justifications, a few self promotions, PLUS a smattering of counter attacks on him and even blame shifting.

 

I am sure that he is grateful for what you do for him WHEN you actually engage him, but this man is seriously exhausted and out of patience with your 'absence' and your underinvolvement in a relationship that he valued highly.

[DN]

Here is what I am talking about .

This reply by you is littered with self defense, minimizing, excuses and justifications, a few self promotions, PLUS a smattering of counter attacks on him and even blame shifting.

 

I am sure that he is grateful for what you do for him WHEN you actually engage him, but this man is seriously exhausted and out of patience with your 'absence' and your underinvolvement in a relationship that he valued highly.

I think this is unnecessarily harsh. Ms Darcy was asked a question and responded honestly - and that is something she will need to do with her boyfriend in order to put this relationship back together. Obviously she will need to accept any legitimate points he has raised and not ignore them or start blaming him but he will also need to accept that she has a point of view as well.

 

It takes two to make a relationship work - and two to fix it if it goes wrong.

[Ms Darcy]

Here is what I am talking about .

This reply by you is littered with self defense, minimizing, excuses and justifications, a few self promotions, PLUS a smattering of counter attacks on him and even blame shifting.

 

I am sure that he is grateful for what you do for him WHEN you actually engage him, but this man is seriously exhausted and out of patience with your 'absence' and your underinvolvement in a relationship that he valued highly.

 

I suppose we shall have to agree to disagree on this one. My response here reflected my own assessment of whether the email was accurate. I can validate the feelings although some of the specifics required clarification. For example, if we agree that reimbursing for gas is a fair trade for a ride, then that point can leave me a bit puzzled.

 

But I don't minimize his feelings and I do take them seriously. I just contextualize them. It's not quite helpful to say now start doing things with him if I have a genuine concern that he's going to blow up at me and yet that concern cannot be addressed. That's where the communication and negotiation comes in, no?

 

As one other poster said, the email was in total negative. Knowing him, I suspect he might dial back some of his responses once he gets the chance to think about it. But the overall feeling is feeling alone and I understand that. I think you use a lot of strong language for a response that genuinely tried to assess the relationship and perhaps you missed the intent of my message.

[Ms Darcy]

I think this is unnecessarily harsh. Ms Darcy was asked a question and responded honestly - and that is something she will need to do with her boyfriend in order to put this relationship back together. Obviously she will need to accept any legitimate points he has raised and not ignore them or start blaming him but he will also need to accept that she has a point of view as well.

 

It takes two to make a relationship work - and two to fix it if it goes wrong.

 

Thank you DN. My bf does have legitimite points. I'm not used to eating dinner with anyone, and that's something that is very important to him. And that is something I am willing to work on.

 

The challenge I face is to not let doubt creep into my mind and make me wonder if this is his way of letting me know he's on his way out. As in, there isn't really anything I can do at this point and I would be jumping through hoops in the meantime.

 

I know I must avoid that thinking. It's certainly challenging to do so.

[JackAfrica]

Obviously she will need to accept any legitimate points he has raised and not ignore them or start blaming him but he will also need to accept that she has a point of view as well.

 

It takes two to make a relationship work - and two to fix it if it goes wrong.

 

But sometimes it only takes one to wreck it.

 

Perhaps he does not really want to "fix it". His purpose in writing the email was to end the relationship. He said so, and he was gracious and forthright enough to list his grievances and articulate those needs and expectations of his that were not being met in their relationship. This guys knows what he wants and had reached the limits of his patience.

 

Indeed, it takes two to fix it .

However, minumum requirements from him to do so comprise a strong sexual/ romantic desire to be with her, plus the motivation to enter into a protracted reconciliation process.

 

I detected neither in his email.

[DN]

Thank you DN. My bf does have legitimite points. I'm not used to eating dinner with anyone, and that's something that is very important to him. And that is something I am willing to work on.

 

The challenge I face is to not let doubt creep into my mind and make me wonder if this is his way of letting me know he's on his way out. As in, there isn't really anything I can do at this point and I would be jumping through hoops in the meantime.

 

I know I must avoid that thinking. It's certainly challenging to do so.

Well, his latest messages seem much more positive than negative so there is more reason for optimism than pessimism.

[Ms Darcy]

My friend seems to think he's done with the relationship. Boy, could I use someone to chat with right now. :sad: