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What would you think of this email?


Ms Darcy

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Hello,

 

I got an email from my bf.

 

"I am really not sure what to say right now, other than what I have said:

 

I'm done.

 

I really felt that when I went out alone to work on my car, it became very symbolic of our relationship. I feel like I am in a relationship of convenience- that we spend time together for physical and emotional comfort, and that is all. There is no effort to develop a mutual friendship, cooperative lifestyle, interdependence. Well, I feel like I put forth the effort, but it is not reciprocated.

 

To me, a relationship is not a one-sided thing, or a self-care thing, or a thing of convenience. It is a "looking out for the other" thing. I don't see that in you.

 

I am done with giving you rides everywhere, and only getting money or smiles in return. If I don't drive, you make no effort to see me. You might use metro to do other things, but not for me.

 

I am done with cooking my own food all the time and eating alone, and not being able to cook you anything.

 

I am done with making adjustments to my diet, my schedule, and my life so that I live at the limit of my tolerance, so that you can live at the center of convenience.

 

I am ready to look for a relationship that feels right to me. To me, a partner shares in good times and bad, and comes out to help, whether it is convenient or not. A partner cooks for you, as much as they are able. A partner eats the things you cook. And above all, a partner strives to eat together, not hiding alone in a corner with a computer.

 

A partner tries to share adventures together. All my facebook friends are out with their neighbors, or in the kitchen baking, or watching movies. And then here I am "with" you, watching you sit alone on the computer, eating alone, watching your own shows, not sharing anything with me.

 

I am not someone who can live alone. I have tried to make that clear to you. I can not be in a relationship with someone who lives alone, expecting me to be OK to live alone alongside them.

 

If cool weather is enough to end your desire to spend time with me, I cannot pretend that I am OK with that. I am not. I try to invest myself regardless of the weather.

 

For a long time I thought it was my depression that kept us from going out and being with other people. Now I see that it is much more than that. I want to go out and work with others, share adventure with others, eat with others. You want to stay inside and keep warm. I can't do that anymore.

 

These are my thoughts. I hope you understand."

 

I called him and asked him if he was open to me making more of an effort to be more interdependent with him. He said he would need a few days to think.

 

What do you all think about this?

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How do you think I should respond to it?

 

With the same level of sincerity and clarity that he has provided you. Based on the posts I've seen you make, you won't struggle to do that - you're a smart, "tuned in" woman. Just be sure that, whatever you write, you genuinely mean it. This email was not written by someone in a pique.

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Is what he says true?

 

Damnit, DN, you always ask what I was going to ask before I got a chance to.

 

If it's all true, then he's in the right to write such an email. He doesn't sound cold at all. He sounds "over it", so to speak.

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Damnit, DN, you always ask what I was going to ask before I got a chance to.

 

If it's all true, then he's in the right to write such an email. He doesn't sound cold at all. He sounds "over it", so to speak.

 

I'm not sure he sounds over it. To me it seems as if he is hoping somehow that Ms darcy will be able to come up with the goods so to speak.

 

I think he is laying his concerns out on the table and he wants something done about it or he is willing to walk away from this relationship and seek one that is more suitable for him.

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I'm not sure he sounds over it. To me it seems as if he is hoping somehow that Ms darcy will be able to come up with the good so to speak.

 

I think he is laying his concerns out on the table and he wants something done about it or he is willing to walk away from this relationship and seek one that is more suitable for him.

 

I agree. I don't think he's over it, but it definitely seems as though he's at a fork in the road.

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In response to the question of whether or not the email is accurate ... let me say this:

 

It seems true for the most part. We've been stuck in a snow storm for the past week, so I have had no desire to go outside. I also just had surgery where I did rely on his help to get around a lot. I do not have a car and usually use public transportation.

 

I do think I have been there for him as I can. I reimburse him for rides or for food that he happens to pick up food for me from the store.

 

He can be short tempered if I don't pay 100% attention to a movie, so I have been avoiding watching movies recently. But we have had a couple of conversations recently about some things we both want in the relationship. I was trying to ask him to be less responsible for some things going on at my home (he gets angry if I don't lock up my mailbox, but the key is broken) and to be a little bit more patient with me before blowing up at me with anger.

 

I try to be there for him emotionally. I've offered him a place to stay in my home when his landlord asked him to leave; I've helped him move; and I've housed his stuff (tools, desk, etc etc) because he has no additional space. If he has a headache, I'll massage his neck. I do ask him to let me know what his needs are and I'm attentive.

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What do I think of his e-mail?

 

1. I agree with previous posters. It doesn't sound like he's really genuinely done, or he wouldn't have bothered to lay out all of these reasons. Most often people who genuinely are done (like my ex) don't care about making a list of issues so you can resolve them. Rather they mutter something like "it's not you it's me," and then go *poof* as fast as they can.

 

2. Nonetheless, as much thought as he put into his e-mail, something about it rubs me the wrong way. He seems to be blaming you entirely for all of his unhappiness, and the whole e-mail is very critical. There is nothing at all positive or constructive in it, nor any indication that he himself might be responsible for some of the problems--which is, mostly, how things are; relationship problems are between two people.

 

3. And if he really *isn't* done, and just hoping that the relationship changes, I wonder why he didn't phrase it that way. Breaking up with you seems like an ultimatum: "I've already left; I don't find your personality attractive. But if you fundamentally change your personality, I might come back." That is very confrontational, whereas perhaps what is called for in such a situation is gentleness.

 

I don't know what your particular relationship has been like, or the context of this e-mail. But I'm also a little distant; quiet, introverted, like to eat by myself. If somebody approached me with warmth and gentleness, I would respond. If they confronted me with this type of e-mail--"I am leaving because you aren't more outgoing"--I don't know that it would help matters.

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If he is hurtig then he isn't over it. I think you have a few days to think this over while he gets some space and perspective and then you can ask to meet in order to find a way to put the relationship back together.

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I am talking to my mother and she tells me that I am a little distant to people sometimes.

 

From all of the things he said, I would probably feel the same way he did.

 

It seems he has tried to make an effort to have a relationship and you guys just did not see eye to eye.

 

If he gives you another chance, you should try to go out more with him. Surprise him at his house. Eat the foods he wants to eat.

 

Best of luck, Chris

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If the lack of outings and socialising is due to your surgery and is a recent thing then I think he is being totally unreasonable by bringing this up. But if in general you don't usually want to go out and would rather stay in all the time then I can understand why this would be a problem for him.

 

I think it has to work both ways. I think you could both put more effort in and he needs to realise there are things that he needs to change to. For example, you're mailbox is no concern of his. Things like that. He needs to learn to control his temper and not get annoyed at silly things.

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Why do you sit on the computer all the time and eat away from him?

 

I am a person who prefers to keep the peace. Recently, we've been having some challenges post surgery. My dad was here for two weeks and then my mom was here for two weeks to help me go to the bathroom and take sponge baths and he felt left out. At new year's he expressed some doubts about the relationship and I was floored because I thought things were going well.

 

So, although we had talked about that conversation, and he apologized for what he said, I think I have distanced myself a little bit.

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I appreciate your comments. There is some truth in everything that you have said. He has been accused of being overly critical and controlling in previous relationships. We do well in terms of talking about issues, but I was not aware of this issue as fully. I do agree that it's a good thing to call my attention to issues at the time and to address it then because I'm very attentive to his concerns when he does talk about them.

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