What is this feeling? How do I deal with it?

[Vince99]

I have very strong feelings for this girl, which she knows. We talk in some form almost every day, and sometimes she will (maybe once a month) mention the name of her ex. Not talk about him even, but just mention the name in passing.

 

When this happens, for some reason I get very scared. My heart starts racing and I'm overcome with the thought that they are "talking" again, or maybe getting back together. I try to change the subject as fast as possible, even though she wasnt even really talking ABOUT him...just mentioned the name.

 

What is this feeling? It's not classic jealousy is it? She's not even my girlfriend. And that doesn't explain how nervous and scared I get. And why am I having it? How do I deal with it?

[Emily100]

It sounds like you are feeling very threatened and insecure when she mentions her ex. Mentioning his name counts as talking about him. She knows how you feel but apparently doesn't return your feelings which makes you feel even more insecure and inadequate. Please, correct me if I am wrong here. How does she say she feels about you?

 

She will continue to talk about her ex or she may even start to see him again. I'm wondering if this situation is good for you given your strong reaction to her mention of her ex. You could ask her how she feels about her ex?

[Vince99]

I hope it's not insecurity. I know I'm better than the other guy in every way.

 

How does she say she feels about you?

 

I asked her on a date back in December. She was open to the idea, but said she wasn't in a dating mindset at the moment. So I agreed to wait until after the first of the year.

 

You could ask her how she feels about her ex?

 

When I asked her out she said she still had feelings for the guy. But they broke up in May. I figured by now those feelings would have faded.

 

Do you think she's talking about him just to see what I will do? I never give her a reaction or even a hint that it bothers me.

[Taikero]

You agreed to wait until after the first of the year but have you done anything about it? It's already February!

 

Sounds like she's bringing up the ex to goad you into action. You should approach her again and see if she's ready to date you now.

[Vince99]

It's not that easy...we're pretty far apart and she's been out of town a lot of weekends.

[CaptainNapalm]

The feeling is insecurity and it is addressed by an honest realization that you have more to offer her than he does that's why she's with you.

[Taikero]

It's not that easy...we're pretty far apart and she's been out of town a lot of weekends.

 

Okay, I'll grant you distance can be an obstacle, but if she's bringing her ex up casually I'm pretty sure she's hinting at something. I'd be very surprised if she just brings him up around you for no reason, since I'm sure she remembers how you feel about her and what your intentions were in December.

[Vince99]

Ok...but again, she's not talking about him. We'll just be chatting and I'll say like, oh really, where did you hear that? And she'll say, Dave told me. And that will be it.

 

But the question is how do I deal with this anxiety every time she merely says his name, even though it's barely once a month or less? I am not a panicy person. I'm the most low key guy in the world.

[Taikero]

But the question is how do I deal with this anxiety every time she merely says his name, even though it's barely once a month or less? I am not a panicy person. I'm the most low key guy in the world.

 

You could start by asking her out again. Once you know where you stand again, it'll make it easier to hear his name I think. Right now you're in a state of limbo and that makes you feel insecure about the situation, even if you know you'd be better for her than he was. You're reacting to what you want with her, not necessarily reacting to him in particular.