Control

[son1]

Hello- new to the forum and need all the help I can get.

 

My wife and girls are down in Florida with her whole family at Disney World. Anyways, so, here’s how it went. Last year (early fall) I was asked by my wife if her mother told me anything about a trip to Disney World and I said no. Nothing was ever said and I told her that I didn’t want anything to do with it. It was dropped for about a week. We then get a message from her parents on speaker phone asking us if I ever got off for Florida. I asked, what is this? I said, no because I just started a job and didn’t have the vacation… plain and simple that’s how it works. It was dropped for another week and then the calls starting coming in probably every other night from her parents still asking if I got off of work….? I kept saying no and kept saying that my wife wasn’t going either because I felt like it was supposed to be for the whole family to go at least. (The 4 of us) I sat down with my wife a few times to explain to her that we were being pressured on going and she was in complete denial about it and that this was something she always wanted to do with the girls(ages 6 and 3, yeah ridiculous to go at that age) and obviously didn’t care that I wasn’t going. In the mean time her parents are still calling about whether or not I’m going… yeah. At this point in time, I was really getting upset and this whole thing was causing a boat load of stress. (I mean a lot) So, after going back and forth with her about it I thought I have to stand my ground on this whole thing because they’re obviously more to the story here…. So after some heated arguments about Disney World it was dropped for another week. I come home from work one day and saying NO to everything about this, my wife breaks it to me that her mother has told her that this trip is a Xmas gift all of a sudden and is on them….. I said, what do you mean? She said, they’re giving us their time share while we’re down there. I still said no because it really didn’t make a difference because of still not having the vacation. Believe it or not, they wanted me to take it without pay so now they keep calling again to see if I got it without pay… unbelievable right? The phone calls are still coming because my in-laws have to make their arrangements for their timeshare and are still seeing if I can go. So at this point in time I thought to myself, why would I even want to go with 9 kids that you have to keep an eye on?(yes, all the other siblings and their kids) That’s not even a vacation, that’s a boat load of work if you ask me. At this point in time my wife had it in her head that her mom and dad were “giving” us a great gift and besides how can she say no to a Xmas gift, especially from her mother??? (In my eyes, that’s my MIL's way of controlling/pushing it on us because my wife won’t say no to that.) And that's WHY MY MIL DID IT!!! BECAUSE SHE KNEW THAT MY WIFE WOULDN'T SAY NO.

 

 

 

Christmas morning comes around and my FIL (with me standing by his side) makes the announcement to EVERYONE in the family that they’re taking everyone down to Disney World… then looks at me and says… except for "him". (I thought, what a jerk)

 

 

 

 

 

So my wife decides to go with the girls, and this “Xmas gift” that they supposedly “gave” us is costing us a grand total of $2,300 so far right after the holidays. Hey, thanks for the great Xmas gift!

 

 

 

I just thought I would share this with you seeing how my in-laws like to make themselves look so great to others when in reality, the truth and facts are slid under the rug. (like how they MAKE their kids pay for their time shares and at the same time make it look like they're taking everyone down to Disney World) I could be way off here but in my perspective this trip was dropped and forced on us.

 

 

Thanks

[CaptainNapalm]

You are right in saying that you can't go because your work didn't grant you vacation but you'd be out of your right mind to be angry to any degree if your wife wanted to go alone with the kids and the rest of the family. I think that your in-laws were in the wrong pressuring you to go without end on this holiday and your wife should have been more supportive and tell them to stop calling. This should have been resolved right away with you saying you can't go because of work and telling them to go without you because after all, it is a good opportunity for the kids to see Disney World especially since it's free.

[d24]

sounds like your wife was manipulated into thinking she was getting a good deal, you really need to get it into her ead that this is what happened and how angry you are about it all.

 

The $2300 bill for a 'gift' is proof enough in anyone's eyes. Your wife should have known you wanted this to be a FAMILY thing, and you have every right to be angry with her for going without you.

 

FIL... what a jerk

[alli]

Are you sure you aren't taking this a bit too personally? I'd call a $2300 trip to Disney World a gift. They gave you the option to come, and you decided against it because you have no vacation time saved up. A perfectly valid reason if you opt not to, but I don't think it's right to get upset that they are still going on the trip. If your wife & kids want to go on a trip with other family members, why do you have the right to say "If I can't go, no one can go!" That doesn't seem fair to them. I think you're feeling a bit petty & jealous that you aren't going.

 

It sounds like you didn't tell your in-laws that you weren't going. Of course they're going to call you every other day, they have to solidify the plans & pay for it. They were nice enough to wait several weeks/months for your answer before just planning it without you. I can't imagine why they would keep calling & asking you if you were going unless you never gave them an answer. If you did tell them you weren't going & they kept pursuing it, they were definitely off base in doing that.

 

They want to go on a trip and did everything in their power to include you. You CHOSE not to go, which is of course your right to choose, but to hold it against them seems unreasonable. Try to be happy that your kids get a fun memorable experience at no cost to you (well, at least the 6 year old). Or did you guys have to pay for part of the time share?

[Sanesoul]

Are you saying that this is costing you $2300?

[karvala]

I think the real problem here is not your in-laws, who are simply selfish and stupid, but your wife. She's supposed to support you in this situation, especially when it's so plainly obvious what's happening, and the fact that she so squarely sides with her parents against you when they're mistreating you is not at all a good sign. You are right to put your foot down with your in-laws, but now unfortunately you really need to get your wife on side, or this thing could escalate still further. Let her know in no uncertain (but not aggressive) terms how disappointed in her you are. Don't make screwing you over an easier option for her than standing up to her parents.

[alli]

So are you having to pay for this trip while your in-laws take credit? Or are they really paying for almost everything on this trip? That makes a big difference on who's in the wrong here.

[son1]

Yes, it cost us 2,300= only god knows what else her mother slapped on the bill. Would it surprise me if we had to pay for the time share.... not one bit. I guess I'll wait for the credit card bill.

 

Alli-

I told them NO from the start but they wouldn't leave it alone. And yes, this should be a family thing that the 4 of us should experience together! Yeah, she got what she wanted, so did I. But that doesn't make it right for them to keep asking and to yes DROP their time share on us.

 

But no, this is what I got from her, "I'm going with you or without you because MY whole family is going and I don't want to miss it" That told me she had already made up her mind made up. Not gonna change her mind because why? HER side of the family is what's most important. She could give a crap about what the priorities are in the household.

[d24]

it sounds like the inlaws paid for the accommodation (which they didn't because they have a timeshare anyway) and the $2300 is from the activites food and flights etc that it cost his wife and kids to get there and do the things.

 

i agree with another poster here - regardless of how bad your inlaws have been to you the real problem here is your wife. you wanted it to be a family trip but not only did she say no to that, but she got conned and manipulated by your inlaws into doing something that you couldn't enjoy and have to pay for. You have every right to be mad with your wife.

 

Not cool.

[alli]

Okay, yeah I definitely wouldn't be happy with that.. footing a $2300 vacation bill that you can't even go on, and then passing it off as a gift when you are paying for it anyway! And I figured the only reason they would continue to ask if you were going was because you didn't tell them. weird that they would keep asking a question you already answered.

 

I can see why you'd want to go & be part of it, but there's always another vacation. I guess I'm used to vacations where not everyone goes. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't, but that doesn't mean everyone else has to miss out on the fun just because I can't go. I'm actually going on a cruise to the Bahamas in a couple weeks, but not with my fiance! It's with my mom & sister. However, since you are PAYING for it, I would be ticked. Especially that your wife didn't discuss if you were ok with paying that much money in the first place, whether you were going or not. I would talk to her about that. Such large financial decisions should be made together.

[Sanesoul]

That's terrible. I would be very, very upset. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It was wrong of the parents to do this, and it's not a gift when you are shelling out your own money for it.

[son1]

They "gave" us the time share in their eyes.

 

We HAVE to pay for:

 

Airfare

Disney tickets

Money saved for the trip for Food, Drinks, Entertainment during the day/night life and anything else, trinkets, souviners, etc....

 

In the mean time extended family members hear.... that my in-laws are "taking everyone down to Disney" (man, that must be real nice right?)when the truth gets slid under the carpet about what really goes on about costs.

[son1]

Now, half way through the fighting/arguing I realized I wasn't going to win so I went out and bought myself a toy because there was no way in hell I was going to win this one so I treated myself to something HOWEVER, it still doesn't make it right for my in-laws to manipulate my wife and my point being is that how many more times is this going to happen??? Catch my drift? I do think they know though that I'm not happy.

 

Anyways

[son1]

Anybody else have any ideas?

[FarthestEdge]

I think it's little crappy for your in-laws to push this as hard as they did, but I wonder how many times they asked your wife, and she said "I don't know, we're still talking about it" hoping you'd change your mind.

 

I think it's unnerving that your wife can't stand up to her parents, and that when push comes to shove, she does as they tell her- she's married to YOU...

 

And I think it's unfortunated that you missed your kids (first/only?) trip to Disney World.

 

-BUT- (and it's a BIG but)

 

I think it's dreadful that you have made this all about YOU. You have 2 children who have been given an opportunity to do something that most kids only dream about. (And 3 isn't too young, there are things there for 3 year olds, and they are old enough to remember the excitement, if not all the details).

 

Perhaps, your wife was putting the kids first, and decided it was worth the conflict because you couldn't see past YOUR wants to find a way to make it work for your kids. Perhaps she was thinking a huge family gathering would give the kids someone else to play with, and the grownups time as well.

 

I do get your frustration, but I have a strong sense that your priorities are ME, ME, ME. That and you are outraged by being upstaged by your inlaws.

 

I'm very conflicted on this. But in the end, I wouldn't want to pass up an opportunity for my kids to go to Disney with their cousins or friends, and while I wouldn't engage in manipulative games to do it, I would be willing to endure some conflict with DH. It would definitely be a 'putting my foot down' moment for me, so long as doing it wouldn't bankrupt.

 

So yes, the flights & tickets are expensive...but how much MORE would it have cost if you had to pay for hotels and restaurant meals 3x a day? It's still a bargain, and your kids got to meet Mickey....

 

Too bad you missed it.

[son1]

ME, ME, ME????? What the hell? Thanks for that one.

 

It all adds up on their part. They have tried and have controlled us from day 1. I realized I wasn't going to stop them after talking with my wife about it numerous times. I told them no but no they wouldn't except or respect that. (talk about ME, ME, ME) My way of showing them to basically screw off was for me to show them FINALLY that I'm going to spend my money on what I want and not for them to come into my home or call us up and say oh hey, you basically HAVE to do this.

[FarthestEdge]

ME, ME, ME????? What the hell? Thanks for that one.

 

Okay...

...I told her that I didn’t want anything to do with it.

 

...) I sat down with my wife a few times to explain to her that we were being pressured on going and she was in complete denial about it and that this was something she always wanted to do with the girls(ages 6 and 3, yeah ridiculous to go at that age) and obviously didn’t care that I wasn’t going.

 

Or perhaps she simply didn't agree with your assesment of the situation...But if she disagrees with you, she must be in denial, right?

 

...Believe it or not, they wanted me to take it without pay so now they keep calling again to see if I got it without pay… unbelievable right?

 

Wait a minute,- you don't have any vacation time, but they want all their grandkidss to share in this amazing experience, and you are the only one who can't get paid vacation, so they suggested that you might be willing/able to make the sacrifice of a weeks pay to share in this?

 

The horror!

 

C'mon, they were trying to find a way to include you. They could have immediately jumped to "Oh well, son1 can't come, too bad for him". Then you'd be complaining that they didn't even CARE that you couldn't come. They likely figured no harm in asking.

 

Hey- if you can't afford the time off, you can't afford it, but there should be no harm in asking. But you're so angry at them about this 'gift' that your looking for righteous indignation...

 

... why would I even want to go with 9 kids that you have to keep an eye on?(yes, all the other siblings and their kids) That’s not even a vacation, that’s a boat load of work if you ask me. At

 

Might not be a boatload of fun for YOU, but what about your kids? Disney is about the KIDS...9 kids on holiday together? Yep- major headache for the parents, but once-in-a-lifetime memory for those kids.

 

This is where the ME thing comes from.

 

..Yeah, she got what she wanted, so did I.

 

But no, this is what I got from her, "I'm going with you or without you because MY whole family is going and I don't want to miss it" .

 

Not entirely irrational on her part. Look, the situation isn't ideal, but I have to say, you dug in pretty quick because it didn't work for YOU. What about what your wife wanted? What about the kids? Does what they want matter at all?

 

Now, half way through the fighting/arguing I realized I wasn't going to win so I went out and bought myself a toy because there was no way in hell I was going to win this one so I treated myself to something HOWEVER, it still doesn't make it right for my in-laws to manipulate my wife and my point being is that how many more times is this going to happen??? Catch my drift? I do think they know though that I'm not happy.

 

Anyways

 

uh ok- so you couldn't afford to take a week off for your family, but you can afford a 'toy'? I'm familiar with the cost of men's 'toys', and I am guessing it was at least 60-75% of a weeks wages..If I am wrong, I apologize

 

Regardless, you are just as responsible as anyone for letting this become a power struggle. Because while your inlaws may have been manipulative, you talk like it was all about undermining YOU, when it really sounds like they wanted a family vacation with all their kids/grandkids. Undermining you became an unfortunate side effect of fulfilling that dream, in part, because you locked down immediately, determined to to let it happen at all.

 

Your wife may, or may not be playing games, and/or being manipulated by her parents...I can't be sure. But again, you are completely dismissive of what this meant to her or what her motives could have been. You are only focused on the fact that she didn't capitulate to YOUR wants.

 

This is why I say ME ME ME. I'm not saying you are the only one in the wrong here, but you certainly aren't in the right either.

 

And hey- you asked for opinions. You're not going to like all of them. If you think I am wrong, then disregard it.

[son1]

 

 

IT is what it is. As I said, lots of stuff from day 1 that you don't know about. Too bad I missed it but I wasn't the one who pulled the trigger first on this whole mess.

 

"This is what I want!!!" is what came out of her mouth FIRST! (All about me isn't it?)

 

I knew once her parents had any kind of impact or say on this they would never let up until they got what they wanted.

 

What we can and can't afford is nobodies business... I couldn't take the vacation because I didn't have the time YET (that's what I meant and if it came accross differently, I apologize) because of just starting the NEW job and what my company did give me in the beginning..... GUESS WHAT??!!! I SPENT WITH HER FAMILY ON A TRIP WITH ALL THE COUSINS!!!!!

 

IMAGINE THAT!!!! I never went on a trip where I wanted to go or ME, ME, ME wanted to go. It was with her WHOLE family.... LAST SUMMER!!!

[FarthestEdge]

1) Don't get annoyed at me because I don't know information that you choose not to share. My opinion is based entirely on YOUR words. I'm sorry if you don't like the conclusion I came to based soley on what you felt was the pertinent information

 

2) Really? "She started it"? You're seriously going with that?

 

3)Yep, absolutely none of our business. But you keep going on and on about how much it cost, and that you bought yourself a toy, but are outraged that they suggested you consider a week without pay..NO one was asking for your tax assessment

 

4) I refer you to comment # 1

 

Look, you came asking for opinions- Yes, it definitely is what it is. So do you want everyone here to pump you up about what horrible, nasty, evil, manipulative people your in laws are so by the time they come home, you blow your marriage apart by demanding your wife never speak to them again, or do you want to figure out a way to peacefully move forward?

 

What are you looking for here? If you just was a bunch of "yes men" who agree with whatever you say, I think you will find you are in the wrong place. IF you want differing perspectives (including some you won't like), so you can try to figure out where everyone else in this mess is coming from- then you are in the right place.

 

The question here is - what are you looking for? Confirmation that you are completely right and everyone else is wrong/selfish/evil, or do you want peace in your marriage and family and for yourself, which won't come without working through your obvious severe anger and bitterness about this?

 

Up to you- like I said, If you don't like what I have to say, feel free to ignore it. You asked for opinions, my comments are based on how your words speak to me...

 

Take care.

[son1]

I give up, you win.](*,)](*,)](*,)

 

I'm out.

[FarthestEdge]

I give up, you win.](*,)](*,)](*,)

 

I'm out.

 

Wohoo! Do I get a prize?

 

Seriously- I'm not trying to 'win' anything. You want to make sense of this mess & resolve it, you won't do it if you refuse to acknowledge any point of view other than your own.

 

If this is how you look at it, no wonder you feel there is a control issue. Because you are looking at this whole thing in terms of who has control, who 'wins'

 

Your family should 'win'. All of you. THAT should be your focus- not if YOU win, or your wife 'wins', or your in-laws....

 

If your FAMILY doesn't 'win', you ALL lose.

 

Something to think about.....

[son1]

LOL

 

OK, I'll bite again....

 

Perhaps we should talk priorities.... where are my wife's priorities? That's what I want to know. They seem to be just a little mixed up if you ask me. She even told me, MY side of the family comes first no matter what! (that wasn't told in the beginning of our relationship by the way.) If they have a gathering or some trip, that's what's most important. We better not miss it. (example- last summer with the family trip we took with HER family for my in laws anniversary) If all her siblings and neices and nephews are there, she certainly can't miss out. NO WAY! To them I had a choice to go or not, why? Because this was their time and this is what's most important... to THEM. Absolutely NOTHING gets in the way of their time. That was the message they gave me, we are taking your girls to Disney with or without you... obviously!

 

I DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE, MY COMPANY NEEDED ME! And I have the proof if needed.

 

Now you tell me, where do her priorities lie?

[Applewhite]

Don't give up. I completely disagree with the conclusions drawn by FarthestEdge. I don't see a me me me in your posts and I agree that your inlaws were manipulative and your wife was less than understanding and supportive.

[Applewhite]

I agree with your desire to make this a memorable family vacation with your daughters and you (4 of you) and I am so sorry that this was by manipulation taken away from you, along with your money and along with the fake reputation to the inlaws when in fact it was YOUR gift to your daughters and not theirs. I think you need to make your wife see your side of things. There is a big problem if she says and acts 'My side of the family comes first'. That is just horrible.

 

Are you usually able to talk and resolve other issues with your wife?

[son1]

OK, look I know Feather is just trying to help and give her advice and it does help by the way. I just don't want this to be an argument with complete strangers either getting no where... please.

 

Yes, my wife and I can usually work THROUGH our problems and not around however this one is bad... real bad. When her family is standing in the way it's impossible for her to realize what her priorities are which I feel are definitely not in her marriage.