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Social Media NC FAIL


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I was trying really hard to do NC and limiting contact to recent efforts to exchange stuff with minimal texting, coordination, etc. I was trying REALLY hard to avoid reminders of the ex.

 

BUT the ex is a social media freak so we are connected on literally 50+ social networks with literally hundreds of overlapping connections. That means I get news of him whether I go looking for it or not. It is called "ambient awareness."

 

I was really struggling even having unfollowed, turned off notifications and updates where possible, hidden from chat list, etc.

 

Then today I tried Google's new "Buzz" application, not realizing that by default it connects you with the top people you've emailed. The first thing I see is 46 people Google preselected. 5 were my ex, because of different email accounts and Gah! I was bombed with 5 x unwanted news of him.

 

At that that point I just surrendered and gave up trying NC.

 

Without getting too technical, suffice it to say I traded comments with him semi-publicly on Buzz and as my comments were lighthearted and it was a novel mode of communication it seemed to break the tension. Later we got around to coordinating the stuff exchange offline.

 

So we did the stuff exchange and had dinner and I told him I wouldn't be me unless i was honest with him and basically complained to him about all my grievances from the past and how he was carrying it forward into the post-breakup era. We reached some impasses where I just conceded bad communication and I accepted that he was doing the best he could. Then I said I wanted to go to this jazz thing he mentioned on Friday and he said ok. At one point he asked how my parents were and I said "They hate you" and he laughed. Then I complained some more, and he was getting discouraged, but I said I was going to try to get it all out and not bring it up again, and he said ok. Then we talked some more and I told him I could forgive and forget and get past it. He told me his parents said "hi." And I said tell them "hi" back. Then some more bickering, then more catching up, then I let him pay for dinner.

 

Then we rode back and I said I felt better after complaining to him and he said good, that made him feel better too. And I said we have to figure this out because he is stuck with me because of all this social networking crap. And he said I'm stuck with him too.

 

I'm sure this will suck at some point but I just feel as if there is no other option right now unless I want to be a hermit and live in a cave with no Internet. I've tried hanging out with non-networked friends and it is just not the same. I got a taste for these social groups and I am not prepared to quit them. That is, in order to get "me" back I have to work through these social networks as best I can, and if he is there I just have to deal with him too.

 

So friendzone it is.

 

Bleah, whatever.

 

Anyone else have this situation?

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I don't want to sound harsh squirl, but it kinda seems like you making excuses here. Delete him from as many social networks as you can... ie facebook, myspace, buzz.. take him out of your email address book. Delete as much of him from your life as possible. I know it's hard when you have mutual friends but you have to be tough on yourself, or else you will be forever stuck in this limbo state you find yourself in.

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That's ok, Rob. You can be harsh. I appreciate your feedback.

 

It is much easier said than done.

 

Did you understand what I wrote about "ambient awareness" in social networks? It is not something that can be turned off. I already unfollowed him, turned off his newsfeed, and hid him from my chat list. I don't look at Facebook. Even if I deleted him, he's constantly being mentioned, and I'll get the information anyway. I'd have to quit using all the social networks and resign from the blog we both write for in order to avoid ambient awareness. I'm not going to do that.

 

I guess what I am saying is that social networks in today's age turn the breakup into a package deal. I'd be willing to give up the Ex as a romantic interest in order to keep my place in the bigger social group. Yes, he will lose mystery and excitement to me and vice versa but at this time I like the group more than I like him. Does that make any sense?

 

And if so, I was wondering if anyone else has been influenced by their use of social technologies in coming to such a decision. It just seems counterproductive to stick my head in the sand like an ostrich when that is not the reality I am dealing with.

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Why can't you just cancel your accounts for a while? Or are you that addicted to them that you can't help yourself?

 

yes, perhaps you should just sit out for awhile.

 

you are already aware that he's on all of these social networks, but bottom line is you caved and initiated contact with him.

 

you say you want NC AND you already know he's on all of them, but you keep adding more networks. you could just simply not have contacted him, even if his updates are there, so in that sense it does seem like an excuse.

 

i can't share any similar experiences because i avoided my ex like the plague when i went into NC. to this day i have no idea what his wall/profile looks like and i've long since been over him.

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you say you want NC AND you already know he's on all of them, but you keep adding more networks.

 

Everyone, thank you for reading and caring. Every reply is healing in itself.

 

Actually I don't think I want NC anymore. But since most people feel so strongly, I will be cautious and keep it in mind.

 

I think bishop 2004 gets where I am coming from.

 

Appreciate all of you.

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Everyone, thank you for reading and caring. Every reply is healing in itself.

 

Actually I don't think I want NC anymore. But since most people feel so strongly, I will be cautious and keep it in mind.

 

I think bishop 2004 gets where I am coming from.

 

Appreciate all of you.

 

If you must keep on going, then take my advice you must start NC once he starts dating again. Keeping in contact is, in a way, keeping the relationship going.

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I do now! LOL!

 

I didn't talk to my ex at all on this, but I got the google buzz thing to see what it was all about...he's following me and a bunch of other people. Great, I can see who he e-mails/gchats the most!

 

Is the list ordered by the frequency of chats? Meaning the people on the top are the ones he talks to the most? This has opened up a whole world of opportunity to my stalker tendencies...luckily he hasn't posted anything there but still...

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Is the list ordered by the frequency of chats? Meaning the people on the top are the ones he talks to the most?

 

Mine seemed to come up in order of people I had most recently had frequent interaction with. I'm not sure. It's a known privacy flaw. You have to turn that off if you don't want it public.

 

If anyone posts, it seems to stack the posts on top with the most activity.

 

This has opened up a whole world of opportunity to my stalker tendencies...luckily he hasn't posted anything there but still...

 

LOL, I know, right?

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Mine seemed to come up in order of people I had most recently had frequent interaction with. I'm not sure. It's a known privacy flaw. You have to turn that off if you don't want it public.

 

If anyone posts, it seems to stack the posts on top with the most activity.

 

That's interesting...I can't see the list of people I follow the same way I can see my ex's. Mine is just ordered alphabetically...I knew about the privacy flaw, so I turned that feature off right away...but I'm confused about the order still...

 

For some crazy reason my name was suggested to my ex and he chose to follow me...I didn't even have google buzz when he decided to do this and I have no clue why he didn't just delete me when it came up.

 

I guess I can just block him if I decide to post something...

 

This buzz thing could end up being useful...I like it how you can post things privately and choose who gets to see it!

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I think blocking him on Facebook would really help. That's what I did with an ex at one point. When we broke up, I actually immediately went into NC, deactivated MY facebook for a week to get my thoughts together and separate myself from the drama-world of social networking. When I reactivated my FB a week later, I blocked him AND removed mutual friends from my newsfeed so I wouldn't see/hear anything that might upset me. When you block someone on FB, it's like their profile doesn't even exist. YOUR profile doesn't exist to them as well. They can't tell you've blocked them unless they ask a mutual friend if your profile is still online or whatnot.

 

Everything I just mentioned is reversible. And trust me. I know how you feel...social networking, IMO, has really changed the way our generation deals with breakups. Before Myspace/FB, we could just cut and run and block people out of our lives much easier.

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Stupid google Buzz set me back as well. I have him blocked on everything (even google) but for some reason he is one of my followers with Buzz. I clicked on him, just out of curiosity and could read all his "buzzes" - why oh why do I torture myself and do dumb sh*t like that? Now I am hemming and hawing over when I am going to block him on there too. ](*,)

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I don't look at Facebook.

 

I also don't use Myspace.

 

What I am describing is a little more subtle than situations where there is a 1:1 social mapping. For me, the social cost of deleting mutual friends or leaving social networks would be too high.

 

Perhaps it is similar to dealing with someone in your workplace. You wouldn't blank the person but you would say hi and keep things less personal.

 

I've been reaching out to mutual friends in these networks. My fears that they would take sides has not been true. They've been kind and mature. I actually think that seeing them instead of avoiding them has been very healing. If my ex decides to avoid situations with them because I am there it is his loss.

 

It's gradually desensitizing me and going ok.

 

This is my choice and I respect it is not for everyone.

 

Thanks for all the support and input.

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It's gradually desensitizing me and going ok.

 

This is my choice and I respect it is not for everyone.

 

Thanks for all the support and input.

 

You are right about that...it feels horrible when you see something you don't like, but once the shock and anger wear off, it takes something much bigger to upset you...and slowly you become desensitized...

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Jazz with the ex last Friday was okay. A couple of times he referred to us being "friends," and that he looked forward to being "friends" for a long time. I said we're not friends. But I said I had fun, and maybe we'll do it again sometime.

 

But to be honest it really didn't have the spark of a date with someone I'd like to see again. I just saw someone who took me for granted, had nothing invested in me emotionally, and a jack@ss who was Tweeting on his phone while we were out at the jazz club (of course not mentioning me).

 

Sunday I went skiing with a mutual friend and some new people. This was great. My friend invited me to an event Monday night in the same group email as my ex.

 

Monday I went to the event. And these new people were actually very nice and not looking on their phones for better places/people the whole time we were hanging out. Imagine that. The ex didn't go but I saw later that he was trolling on Twitter with one of our other friends who did go about what the next stop was, etc. meanwhile texting me "not gonna make it. G'nite."

 

So I unfollowed the ex on Buzz.

 

There, that feels better.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Posting an update in the hope it will help some of you see what a difference 2 weeks can make.

 

Yesterday I deleted my ex from another one of our social networks. It felt great.

 

I'm glad I didn't avoid our mutual friends or quit the online networks. I am getting to know some of these people better. They are very friendly and if they are feeling any pity for me, they don't show it.

 

Last night, I caught a couple passing glances of the ex at social events with mutual friends. I didn't notice him except in passing. I was busy talking with people. Knowing we are connected on one less site seemed to cut a tie emotionally. It was as if I was seeing a casual acquaintance out of the corner of my eye. Not one I would make the effort to seek out and greet.

 

I have no idea whether he saw me. Don't really care.

 

I think I was ready to delete him from this network because I was satisfied with the way I left things last time I saw him. Saying we're not friends, but that I had fun and maybe we'll do it again sometime.

 

If that is how he remembers me, I am ok with that.

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