bruinsy81 Posted February 11, 2010 Share Posted February 11, 2010 Yep. I've never asked a guy out and have had tonsssss of boyfriends and dates. Perhaps that shy/reserved guy might be the one who might be the right match for you.I am sure there are many shy people who are very attractive but don't date much.Take away there shyness and they might have ''tons'' of potential dates. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bruinsy81 Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 I would never ask a man out. Not because I fear rejection, but because I know if a man is interested, he will ask me out. I don't agree.There are many shy men who miss opportunities because they won't take the plunge.That particular debate has been argued to death here and I don't want to go there.However as a shy man I can say I wouldn't want to date a woman who wasn't sympathetic to my shyness .If she felt I wasn't ''a man '' because I found it very difficult to do the asking then she wouldn't be the right woman for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucius Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 I think one reason that I tend to feel a bit sorry for people (men OR women) who refuse to pursue someone of their own accord is ... it really limits your date/partner/potential husband or wife to those men or women who liked you- not who you liked. I mean sure, you may have liked them just fine, but ultimately they picked you, not the other way 'round. It wasn't someone who caught YOUR eye - it was someone whose eye was caught by you. It's limiting, and by the very nature of that limitation, it reduces your ability to make (admittedly significant) choices on your own terms. It's not like one cannot be happy that way - clearly there are many, many people who DO find love despite their own passivity. But it IS limiting, and it IS unnecessary. It's also a little cowardly, if the only reason one holds back is out of fear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bruinsy81 Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 I agree but I think ''cowardly '' is the wrong choice of word for people who have a significant amount of shyness/social anxiety to deal with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucius Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 I agree but I think ''cowardly '' is the wrong choice of word for people who have a significant amount of shyness/social anxiety to deal with. Fair enough - but I think it's the right one. Choosing to limit your options, long-term, based solely on fear is ... the opposite of courage. The opposite of courage is ... cowardice. It's not meant as a judgment so much as a statement of fact. We can all be a bit cowardly from time to time; choosing that behaviour long-term is what perturbs me personally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 I've never asked a woman out. I don't regret it for a moment. Dating sounds horrible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DatingIsSoHard Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 I've never asked a woman out. I don't regret it for a moment. Dating sounds horrible. But when you think of it, being alone is even more horrible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 But when you think of it, being alone is even more horrible. ...it doesn't really bother me. I don't have many emotional needs. Physical, yes, but not emotional. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HouseKitten Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 I think one reason that I tend to feel a bit sorry for people (men OR women) who refuse to pursue someone of their own accord is ... it really limits your date/partner/potential husband or wife to those men or women who liked you- not who you liked. I do agree that a complete refusal to change your own approach leaves you with the possibility of losing options. But, although I've never asked a guy out, that would be because I've never had to. Never been in that situation. I suspect a lot of women have it the same way - it's not that we've made an active choice to never be the asker, we've just never had to because men tend to do what's expected of them and ask us out first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yeawutever Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 Yes so I don't have to deal with initiating the conversation. Unless I don't get hit on, then I would be doing the asking out or if I find a man attractive and he happens to like me too but is a bit nervous then I'll go for it... only if I knew the answer was ''yes''. I don't really like rejections. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 I chose yes, but not because I expect it as a policy -- it's that men have taken the initiative in nearly all cases. The ones where I sort of hinted at it myself (like offhand, mentioning someplace I like/would like to go) I got the sense it was going nowhere, and the guy didn't run with that, so I didn't make any bold propositions. It just feels natural now, after 25 years of dating, for him to ask. I always feel presumptuous to ask. (So yes, I can see where a shy guy would feel that way.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snickers775 Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 I wouldn't have minded asking a guy out until I read 'he's just not that into you' now I don't think I would!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 I prefer not to be a passive spectator in my own life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allyo Posted February 13, 2010 Share Posted February 13, 2010 No, I don't expect them to ask me out. If I like them enough I will ask them out, but if they don't show any initiative afterwards I leave it at that. I can never seem to figure out if men actually like it when a woman asks them out first. I've seen and heard so many mixed responses, I guess it depends on the guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ljoy74 Posted February 14, 2010 Share Posted February 14, 2010 I would never ask a guy out. It is bad enough being on the female side already as some of us over think and over rationalize without being the one doing the asking! Not to mention the rejection factor... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovelace Posted February 14, 2010 Share Posted February 14, 2010 I don't EXPECT anyone to ask me out, but I prefer it if the man does the asking. I have found that: 1. When I asked, I ended up with guys who saw me as a pleasant waste of time, who were passive, and who had no real strong urge to be with me 2. I'm more interested in men who are socially assertive. I find them much sexier. I may be single for longer periods of time, but at least I'm not wasting my time with men who don't think effort is a necessary thing to have a relationship, and I KNOW that when a guy asks me out, he's interested. None of this 'is he going out with me because he's bored, or because he likes me?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted February 14, 2010 Share Posted February 14, 2010 I don't expect a man to ask me out. I actually prefer doing the asking. Not for lack of being asked, but because it's been more natural this way for me. That doesn't mean I don't expect a man to show me he is interested, if he is interested. And regardless of who does the asking out, it has to be two ways or else why bother. That said, the majority of folks out there don't seem to roll with that and it can be a pain in the butt sometimes. But the way I see it, if he likes me he likes me - it doesn't matter who does the asking. If him doing the asking is so important, whatever, nothing stopping him from doing so. But if I like a man and he doesn't ask, I won't necessarily think he doesn't like me or that it is necessary to sit and wait for him to decide if will ask me or not. I'll just ask and find out earlier - men are human just like women and you never know until you try. I can 'waste time' with guys who ask me out or guys I ask out, what's the difference, it's up to me to decide if I think it can go anywhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucius Posted February 14, 2010 Share Posted February 14, 2010 I may be single for longer periods of time, but at least I'm not wasting my time with men who don't think effort is a necessary thing to have a relationship So, by that logic, any man asking a woman out is conceivably "wasting" his own time with "women who don't think effort is a necessary thing to have [in] a relationship." It really is a senseless double standard when conclusions like this are being drawn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkelephant Posted February 15, 2010 Share Posted February 15, 2010 I don't EXPECT anyone to ask me out, but I prefer it if the man does the asking. I have found that: 1. When I asked, I ended up with guys who saw me as a pleasant waste of time, who were passive, and who had no real strong urge to be with me 2. I'm more interested in men who are socially assertive. I find them much sexier. This also has been my experience/observation although I prefer to do the asking. I guess I just need someone as aggressive as me and appreciate it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovelace Posted March 8, 2010 Share Posted March 8, 2010 Oh, no, I definitely do my part- no one can accuse me of not pulling more than my fair relationship load. It's a gender difference, in my experience. If a guy is asked out, he ends up usually being quite lazy and just wasting time with me. If a guy asks me, he's willing to put forth some effort to be with me and it simply works out much better. The genders are equal, but not the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FoxMulder Posted March 8, 2010 Share Posted March 8, 2010 I would never ask a guy out. It is bad enough being on the female side already as some of us over think and over rationalize without being the one doing the asking! Not to mention the rejection factor... Do you really think it's easier for a man to get rejected? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
veda999 Posted March 8, 2010 Share Posted March 8, 2010 bravo Lucius, I have tried to make that point on several occasions and it's good to know someone gets it . . . very well said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Dark Posted March 8, 2010 Author Share Posted March 8, 2010 Do you really think it's easier for a man to get rejected? Exactly the same. The problem is.....There are the select men who women feel are that cool that those men know it, because they are told so. Those men know they are worth their weight in gold to women there for can pursue without the fear of rejection. bravo Lucius, I have tried to make that point on several occasions and it's good to know someone gets it . . . very well said. Yes we can go all out and put our balls on th line but ultimately when they get crushed too many times you become reluctant to do so. For harsh example, obsese man asks out a beautiful well adjusted women. Fails, goes by the "must keep on trying" method and keeps on failing. Rejected time and time again. Isn't going to change the statistic that he has been dumped because he is fat and unattractive. Lets be realistic here people. Delusion or harsh reality. EDIT Speak of harsh reality....you guys who are reading this thread.....look at the stats. Even thought you have been rejected time and time again, you will most likely have to be rejected again if you are not wanting to be alone. Or lower your standards to a female equally as attractive as you. Your chances will increase. It is in tradition whether you guys like it or not, that the females for the majority will expect YOU to be rejected or not. Not them. Don't like it? Live alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
veda999 Posted March 8, 2010 Share Posted March 8, 2010 For harsh example, obsese man asks out a beautiful well adjusted women. Fails, goes by the "must keep on trying" method and keeps on failing.Rejected time and time again. Isn't going to change the statistic that he has been dumped because he is fat and unattractive. An obese man will more than likely be rejected by a beautiful woman unless she has a penchant for such men. This is a poor example. Anyone who goes that far out of their league will most likely be setting himself/herself up for rejection. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted March 8, 2010 Share Posted March 8, 2010 For harsh example, obsese man asks out a beautiful well adjusted women. Fails, goes by the "must keep on trying" method and keeps on failing.Rejected time and time again. Isn't going to change the statistic that he has been dumped because he is fat and unattractive. An obese man will more than likely be rejected by a beautiful woman unless she has a penchant for such men. This is a poor example. Anyone who goes that far out of their league will most likely be setting himself/herself up for rejection. Out of their league? Interesting. I guess classism is alive and well in the Western world. Instead of just money, it's attractiveness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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