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Stuck at a crossroads.. What do I do?


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So my ex and I started hanging out again about a week ago after 8 mos broken up and about 7 mos NC. The first night we hung out she was intoxicated and asked me to pick her up. After picking her up she was all over me. She tried to have sex with me that night and I told her I couldn't. That I wasn't looking to hook up with her. That it means something to me. After that night we hung out 4 out of the next 6 days. We went to dinner a few times and the last time, a couple days ago, we went back to my place and watched a movie. We layed in my bed and I rubbed her back. Since the first night when she was drinking, we haven't been physical since. Just hugs, etc.

 

I am very confused as to where this is going. I haven't brought up "us" at all. Just hanging out and enjoying each others company. I feel like I am getting mixed signals. Everytime I see her she is wearing the rings I got her for Valentines day last year. She has told me she has been wearing them for months now. She always brings up times when we were together. A waitress asked if we were a couple last week and she responded with, "we are trying to figure that out."

 

On the other hand she throws me off by in a way being standoffish. Really no kind of affection. She does little things like pinch me or put her head on my shoulder for a moment. She asks me to rub her neck and back etc. Then there are times where she texts or calls but then kinda disappears. Like today, last night she said maybe we would get breakfast in between her classes. If it was too early she would call me wen she gets out of class. I didn't hear from her until about 130. She got outta class at noon. I talked to her for a few minutes and asked if I could call her back. She said, Okay bye... I called her 20 min later and she didnt answer, so I texted her saying, "sorry I was getting my haircut." No reply for the last hour.

 

Last night I said to her, "I know this is new and everything, but I was wondering if you wanted to hang out on Valentines day. We can do something mellow. I'll make dinner and maybe we'll watch a movie or goto the movies."

She said, "Possibly. I dont have anything going on I just dont know if I'm working. If I'm not then we can."

 

I am thinking of just putting it completely out there. Just explain to her that i apologize if I seemed aloof but I don't wanna just hang out on Valentines Day. That I would really like to take her out to dinner. That if she doesn't have to work let me know and I will make reservations.

 

What are your thoughts?

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It sounds like she is just stepping back and waiting for you to kinda get closer to her just like she's trying her hardest to get close to you. She has given you a lot of strong signs that she's interested in you and wants you back... Realize that reconciliation doesn't happen overnight; It takes time and patience on both ends.

 

Good luck!

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Me, been there before. It sounds like to me that she is actually seeing someone else and something happened in her relationship with him and so she is turning to you. Alot of us women have done that. Had an argument with someone of feel that someone in our lives are doing us wrong so we run back to someone from the past. Ive been upfront with it though. I will tell a guy the reason I was there, an old friend or ex, that it is because of the guy Im with doing me wrong. They have respected me for that. Guys do it too. Seems like to me she is using you and keeping you around for when she is ready and if things go well with the person she is with you wont hear from her anymore. I think you have great values and deserve a woman who does too.

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I think you need to set some boundaries. Being intoxicated and needing someone to give her a ride or dust her off...you shouldn't allow that behavior. Listen to her, and call a cab for her. Just like people advise others here to not put themselves in certain situations, don't get yourself in one. It is honorable of you to say "no" to sex. Good for you. The laying together/rubbing her back, etc - is stuff couples do, not two people "getting to know eachother" again. I would step back, and if you see her, use it as an opportunity to reestablish a friendship first. You don't want to start rubbing her neck and touching her to get her to start having feelings for you again if she isn't on the same page.

 

Hanging out on V-day is a "move" at least to me. If you really want to ask her out to dinner, then ask her out to dinner for a different night. When you ask a girl to "hang out" it gives her the message that she is a backup plan. I can't say if she is seeing someone else or not, but it seems to me that you are both giving eachother very mixed messages.

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She said she isn't seeing someone else. The last person she dated ended 4 months ago after dating for 4 weeks. From the moment we started hangin out again we still act like best friends. Thats what I valued most when we were together. How close we were and how much we enjoyed each others company. I am not looking to be just friends with her. She knows that because I have made that clear numerous times. I have been very cautious with her when we hang out. Not to talk about the relationship or "us". However it has definitely eatin me up because I want to know what her intentions are. The reason why I would be asking her to dinner on Valentines is to put it out there. We have hung out alot in the last week and a half. I feel like its time for me to make some kind of move to figure out if we are headed in the same direction.

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So she called me last night and we talked. I said " I want to apologize for last night. For some reason I was nervous when I asked about Valentines Day. To be completely honest with you I don't want to hang out with you on Valentines. I don't wana watch a movie and hang out. What I meant to say was that I want to take you out. I would like to take you to dinner. If you are available and would like to go out let me know and I will make reservations."

 

She replied, "Like a date? Why are you nervous. You're a nerd. haha. I'll find out tomorrow if I work, but yes we can do that. You know I would be completely fine with hanging out you don't have to take me out"

 

I said, "I know you would and thats awesome. However, I wouldn't be. I would like to take you out."

 

She said, "Okay. You know you're different. You have definitely changed."

 

I said, "Hows that?"

 

She said, "I don't know.. Its not a bad thing at all."

 

So I asked, "Well how is it that I changed?"

 

She replied, "Well I'm not saying you weren't before. I don't mean it like that, but you are alot more gentlemanly and chivalrous now."

 

I said, "I understand I wasn't very before"

 

She says, "Noo, don't be like that"

 

I reply, "Don't take that wrong, I'm not doing the whole 'whoa is me' I just understand"

 

So she said, "haha, okay. I can't believe you were soo nervous."

 

Then we talked for a few minutes and I hung up. She called again around midnight, apologizing saying she dozed off on the couch for the last 4 hours. That she wanted to say goodnight, etc.."

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As far as "you don't want a friendship." Actually the best thing is if you developed a friendship with her. It is not a "consolation prize". There was a reason, I am sure, that you broke up before, and if it was due to a lack of communication, then you didn't take the time to establish the friendship, etc, of the relationship that is so important and not be blurred by attraction. People can have a great time together, but when it comes down to it - when stuff happens in life, a good foundation keeps us together with someone rather than break up/relationship in between/get back together.

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I'm curious how the hell do you get back in contact after 8 months and 7 months of no contact? Was when she called you to pick her up, was that the first time talking in 7 months? I'd like to hear how that line of communication gets reopened after so long. I don't see how it's going to happen in my own situation. My ex forces herself to block stuff out and forget no matter how bad it hurts her...or so I think, but after 8 months, damn.

 

I think you're doing fine. She seems receptive and the fact that she is complimenting you and being fun with you is a good sign. The key is not to dive in ... keep testing the waters and don't put too much effort forward. I hate the whole "he who cares the less wins", but it's kind of true. If you go full blast forward you're setting yourself up to get hurt. If you play it cool and just casually contact her to talk or do things together you're on the right track. The time together needs to be just as important to her as it is to you.

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