Jump to content

Current boyfriend's previous marriages/relations...


Cece1011

Recommended Posts

So here is the deal with my current boyfriend...

 

He and I have been together for 9+ months now. I am currently 7 months pregnant, so forgive my "out of whack" emotions on this topic.

 

--He started out dating this girl in high school..they broke up after he proposed to her...

--Dated this woman 2 yrs older than him who had 2 children, who he took care of, and had his 1st son with. May I add that she was married at the time they were together. And then followed her half way around North America so he could be close to his child, and maybe rekindle something with this woman. It never happened.

--He ended up in the Army, and married a woman who had 3 children before being deployed overseas. That didn't last due to her cheating on him & spending ALL his money. They got divorced shortly after he made it home.

--He then married a woman that had 1 child, and who had his little girl, who he is currently STILL married to. He also followed her from Texas, to Washington, and back to Texas. He has asked her many times to move to our home state to be with him. And just a little over a year ago met up with her in Texas to get the divorce finalized, as it had been in the process for the past 2 and 1/2 yrs. Well they had sexual relations in that time he was there.

 

I just don't get his previous actions with these women. In the time after his wife, he was constantly at the bar, and bringing just about any girl he could home. And I still believe there are previous feelings there for his ex, and or ex's. I don't think he has completely moved on, because if he had I believe his divorce would have been done quite some time ago.

 

Don't get me wrong, I do love him very very much, but I have a very suspicious mind, especially with him because of all the past he has on me (as he is 11 yrs older than I am), and due to some things he hasn't been completely honest with me with. He says he loves me more than any of the others, but I question myself on how much of that is true.

 

Is this something I should be jealous about??? Should I worry as much as I do??? Any input on this would be greatly appreciated.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We are talking about getting married, but since he is still married I have no idea when it will be, and since I don't have a ring yet. And no, the pregnancy was not planned. I have a little boy that will be 2 in May, and his father isn't and never has been in the picture. So this boyfriend of mine is working & taking care of both of us and is wanting to adopt my son as his own once we do get married. I just don't want to make these life long plans with someone I am so suspicious about. Yes it is a true story...its my life right now. And yes, it has been a BIG red flag from the beginning. The divorce not being done has been a HUGE issue in our relationship & he wonders why I get mad at him for it not being done yet, since its been going on for the past 3 years!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He seems to either follow drama or create it. You only know HIS side of the story, my opinion is when people want to get divorced, they will.

 

As for him, if I understood this correctly, he made a child with each of his marriages or just one, and again with you after only dating you for 2 months? This man might have some serious issues, maybe discuss it with him, or go see a counselor together.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Any decent man would not get involved with another woman until his divorce was final. There are way too many people who refuse to allow a relationship to end, before jumping into another one, and what about time to heal from that relationship?

 

Since you consented to putting yourself in a situation like this, there is no way you can put all the blame on him. I wouldn't put much faith in him to end his marriage at this point.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This guy has major emotional issues...multiple marriages, multiple divorces, promiscuity, making babies all over the place, getting involved with women while still married, not being honest, the list goes on. If you continue to stay with him you will be yet another casualty in his train wreck. Get out of this relationship and find someone who has himself together. He may be 11 years older than you but he has absolutely no clue how to conduct himself in relationships.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Its really hard at this point in our relationship. As I've said before, I'm 7 months pregnant, and not by choice I might add. But things like this happen. I know it wasn't very smart of me to get involved with a married man, but I did and can't really take it back now. Its really hard at this point due to myself becoming pregnant. I have set down ultimatums for him to meet before the baby does come, as in if his divorce is not done by that time, I will leave him. This is the hardest thing to face because I do love him so much. Although, I do question his character for still being married & dating not only married women, but doing the same himself. I put little faith in him to do the right things for "our" family. I know he doesn't have a good track record, and have known that from the beginning. I just didn't know it was to this calibur. I have no idea where to go from here...or how to bring everything up.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He wants to adopt your son and takes care of him?

 

What about his other children? Does he see them, or take care of them? And how about the other children of his ex wives that he cared for while married to them?

 

I would be very leary of making him any sort of permanent part of your son's life. Unfortunately he does have a right to be involved in his biological child's life, but I have to ask how seriously a man who has been married twice and had children with two women and another on the way with a third woman, takes commitment.

 

I think you have right to be be weary.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

he seems to have a history of having a bird in a hand and in the bush at the same time. There are cases where a guy had a baby with someone he wasn't married. You can love someone as a person, but it doesn't mean you have to spend your life with them or choose them as your marriage partner. But it is the child who suffers.

 

Also, since you have a child whose father is not in the picture - it doesn't seem like its "all him" - it seems like you are working on having another baby with another father who is not in the picture unless you make some changes. Men who are married and don't leave their wives have a habit of not leaving them. I think you need to do some soulsearching - seek out counseling and support groups to instill some confidence in yourself because they say if something happens once, shame on them, but twice, shame on me.

 

You do have some options.

1) Raise the baby on your own and just accept he will never be a full parent/living with the baby. Maybe you'll get financial support but don't hold out every hope because ultimatums don't work because the person does things half hearted. Also, think about your son in this and what's best for him.

 

2) This may sound harsh, but there is also adoption that can happen with his consent and yours. If you are unable to raise the baby alone alone and he has kids with different women and can't handle another, there is the option of having the baby raised by someone who desperately wants a child. There are closed and open adoptions. I am not saying you won't be a great mom, so please don't take offense - but it just doesn't seem that there is anyway with the different kids and marriages that he is going to "be there" - if his track record continues - he'll never marry you or he'll marry you and move on to the next and cause the child heartache like the others. If you are equipped for being a single mom and want that - thats fine, but its another option if thats best for the child.

 

There is a rare chance that he will just transform, make you first, etc, but I really doubt that from what you have written. Maybe the best case scenario is you meet someone who treats you wonderfully and loves the child as his own but it just seems like this guy has too many kids, wives, ex girlfriends on his plate right now. But I really think that you need to do some inner work to sort things out for the sake of yourself and your children.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As I have said...I've done the whole raising a child on my own and if need be, WILL do it again. And like I said again, he has been separated from his wife for over 3 yrs now and it wasn't him that left ANY of the women in his life. We even paid off her lawyer so he could get the divorce done finally. (& since he's been with me, he's wanted to get it done even more) He tells me all he's EVER wanted is a family. He says this is his last chance for a happy family. He loves my son as is own, and he loves me despite my insecurities. Yes, I know he doesn't have the best of track records, but he is a very very very loving person. He hasn't cheated on me. I think the bigger picture needs to be seen here. This isn't just a post. This is my life, my future, MY family. My boys are going to be effected by this if anything bad happens.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That's the thing... he HAS a family, kids with 2 other women. Where are those kids now? Is he taking care of them? Supporting them? Spending time with them?

 

This really is so sad. He makes kids with women and then moves onto the next woman to try again for the ever elusive 'happy family', leaving multiple broken families in his wake. These kids aren't indispensable.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He's actually been very consistent in his behavior, and shown repeatedly who he really is.

 

What is most important for you is that he just doesn't respect marriage. He got involved with a married woman, fathered a child with her, married two women, and is divorcing two women, etc. You have to look at what he DOES, not just what he says.

 

And you have to be very careful with someone who is comfortable cheating, becuase they are also usually very comfortable lying because they have to do it so much. So he may be casting himself as the injured party, when the reality may be that he cheated on his wives first, or treated them badly to the point they wanted out again.

 

And DON'T risk adopting your son to him until you're really sure that he can and will stay faithful to you and stick around. I would not even consider marrying this man until he's shown himself to be a good partner and father for a few years first. He seems to never manage to last very long with anyone, and you'll save yourself a lot of heartbreak if you wait him out to see if he is sincere or not.

 

You should not let an accidental pregnancy also be compounded by a marriage that is mainly driven by the pregnancy. That could just be doubling your mistake. He has kids, but it doesn't guarantee he'll stick around, so don't assume that as soon as he marries you, he'll turn into the perfect husband. He just doesn't respect marriage or his life history wouldn't be the way it is, especially the part about fathering a child with a married woman. He just doesn't respect marital vows, or he wouldn't behave this way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There are a few things that speak volumes here. "He loves me despite my insecurities". Its time to work on them. now.

 

"WE paid off the lawyer" - this is his business. Don't be his "mother" who is there to clean up after him or be a doormat. I would read up on what codependency is. Also, because you helped pay that bill, it is not making him get divorced any faster and doesn't guarantee that he'll marry you.

 

If a man or woman has a spouse or partner leave them, it is something that happens to the best of is. But if someone is always having spouses and girlfriends leave them one after another, and there is no story of one that they left, then he is not taking responsibility for his part or is lying to you or to himself. It is a vicious circle/ I am divorced. My ex husband told everyone how "i left and abandoned him." He decided to drive away one day and empty the bank account. Because I didn't sit and wait for him to come home in a dark house with no water, "I left HIM."

 

I think for your own sake, stop accepting his stories about women who just don't appreciate him and kick him to the curb and get to the real meat of matters before deciding that you want to spend the rest of your life (or at least the next few years) with this man. He needs to take responsibility and so do you.

 

I am being hard on you because my ex husband was the poor guy who had hard knocks with woman and I was out to prove I was different and respected him, etc, and don't go down that road.

 

And I agree...do NOT let him adopt your son.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

Sorry for saying this, but I think that your boyfriend has major commitment issues, which are not very likely to change. There is a behavioural pattern in his past, which would make me very suspicious. It always takes two to tango and I'm afraid that there is no way for you to discover whether he's been telling the truth about the women in his past.

Hard as it is, at this point I would focus on having my baby and working on my own personal issues, the ones that you refer to as insecurities. To me it is an issue if you decide to have a child with someone you know for two months, with his record, and while you already have a child by somebody else. While you are both adults with the right to do whatever you want, you are responsible for the future that you make for your children.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...