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Husband not sexually attracted to me


louise78

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Hi,

 

I'm 31, slim build, attractive and I've been married for just 9 months when my husband (who's my best friend) told me on Sunday evening he is not turned on at all by me and never has been.

 

We have known each other for 6 years (3 year engagement before we married) and he is the same age as me. We are both fit, healthy and slim and have similar sex drives. It seems as though although we have been having sex for 6 years that he is telling me he has never been sexually attracted to me – is this possible?!

 

He said he'd been wanting to tell me for a while but was just pressurised into proposing to me in 2006 and then marrying me in 2009 and too scared to hurt me or family by calling it off.

 

He plucked up the courage to tell me on Sunday as my dissapointment with a negative pregnancy test result triggered it all off. He didn't want the added involvement of having a child in our relationship and had to tell me once and for all how he felt.

 

(We've been having regular, enjoyable sex as recently as 10 days ago as we had both agreed to start 'properly' trying (no contraceptives) for our first baby in January 2010).

 

I absolutely adore my husband, he's my soul mate and can't understand how he's managed to keep this hidden from me for so long.

 

I'm confused as to what to do next to save our marriage - any advice would be appreciated.

 

Thanks

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What a bombshell to drop. You know as a guy, if he has zero attraction to you, then I dont understand how you could be physically having sex to begin with. But nonetheless, it was totally wrong for him to tell you that.

 

I dont know what to say except that a more in depth conversation is needed. For sure, the concept of having a child should be off the table until you guys have this resolved.

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My first thought was, this is hiding something else.

 

Have there ever been other issues in your relationship? Is this the first sign of discord with your sex life that's brought up?

 

Perhaps you could go and see a sexual therapist together. I think there's an underlying issue here. He'd have to be a very weak-willed man to date long-term and marry a woman that he feels no sexual attraction to. I think there's more to this than he's letting on.

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I don't think he was "never" attracted to you. Maybe that's true NOW, but I don't see how he could go on living a lie for that long. We tend to base our global feelings on our feelings at the time. This is probably what he's doing. He's probably bored and needs more spice, so he's generalizing it since he can't remember feeling that way.

 

Could you add more surprises to the relationship? Maybe take a personal activity?

 

I think you two should go to a counselor and try new things together and as individuals. Usually the passion starts wearing off when there is lack of growth.

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Wow.....I do not even know what to say to that other than I am sorry. You could maybe try counseling. I am not sure that would work because physical attraction can not be "counseled". I know you probably do not want to give this relationship up. For me personally I would not want to be married to someone who was not attracted to me. I would get a divorce and maybe just leave the relationship as friends. I am sorry, you are in a bad place.

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My first thought was, this is hiding something else.

 

Have there ever been other issues in your relationship? Is this the first sign of discord with your sex life that's brought up?

 

Perhaps you could go and see a sexual therapist together. I think there's an underlying issue here. He'd have to be a very weak-willed man to date long-term and marry a woman that he feels no sexual attraction to. I think there's more to this than he's letting on.

 

another woman?

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Good for him for finally speaking up. To a degree, I'm in his shoes, but have never said anything. I was pressured into proposing, and then into having a child. It is very difficult to take action to hurt someone you love, and it takes quite a bit of courage to admit this stuff.

 

All I can say is I'm sorry, I'm sure you're hurting, and make sure no child is had in this environment.

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I agree that it is a hard pill to swallow, however, you are better off to know the truth, if this is how he feels. To me, it seems he is being honest. I didn't get the feeling it was another woman, perhaps he is gay? That would explain why he loves you, but is possibly not 'attracted' to you?

 

I know it would a hard question to ask.

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If you've been having regular enjoyable sex then what he's telling you is not the truth. There's something else he's not saying. You should ask him what it is. Especially if you're trying for a baby. Maybe his heart's not really into that either.

 

I agree with this. I think his heart not being in to having a baby is a good possibility. Whatever it is, it's definitely worth digging in to a little deeper.

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Wow, he's been lying for that long...

 

My thinking is that he is either asexual or gay. Why else would he put commit himself to someone he was (and was never) physically attracted to?

 

That is unless he is lying about never being attracted to you. If that is the case, he probably is saying it to not have a child with you.

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I agree with the previous posts. Realistically one of three things is going on:

 

1) He's not telling you the whole story (such as there being another woman in the picture) and is masking the situation with a lame excuse.

 

2) He's gay/asexual and is just starting to accept it.

 

3) He's actually telling the truth. That he loves you dearly as a friend and went down the path of marrying you out of obligation, but actually doesn't feel there is a real spark of attraction between you.

 

You'll have to do more digging to find out the real answer, I suspect.

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There's something more to this story and there's no way that he was never sexually attracted to you. Is he questioning his sexuality? How old are you both? What does he mean you pressured him into proposing? You should dig a little deeper because this sounds like his first attempt to pull away from you. So, whatever is wrong may be something that has more to do with how he perceives himself sexually, than with you.

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Hmmm I dunno if he would have been having regular sex with you if he was gay.

 

.

I went to college with a guy who dated and to hear him (and some of the gals he left in his wake) tell it, he bedded a fair amount of them. Multiple times.

 

Fast forward....about 15 years removed from college, in our 30's. We've kept in touch sporadically through the years. We get together to catch up after not having seen each other for several years....and he comes out to me. He was very closeted (even to himself) for many years. It wasn't until he moved out of his hometown and away from his family that he figured it out. Had he met a gal who he cared about enough and who wanted marriage, he might've ended up in a situation like the OP's. Had he or his partners been the right combination of "unlucky" and "not using birth control," he might be a dad. As it was, he'd sleep with women, but generally find some reason to break up with them before things got serious and none of them ever turned up pregnant.

 

Last I heard from him, he met a nice guy and they've been together for several years.

 

So, it happens.

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i think some marriage counseling might be the way to go here. does he want to stay in the marriage? (and i wonder about the gay thing myself)

 

and i'm sorry, but 'pressured' into proposing and getting married? sure, i know some women can put on the pressure for a ring and all but ultimately, he does have free will, I am assuming that the OP's dad did not show up to the wedding with a shot gun.

 

I think some counseling right now would be the way to go and try to sort things out. I also have a hard time believing he's been having sex with her for 6 years without being attracted. and obviously, I would put the baby-making plans on hold.

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Whether he's hiding something or being completely honest depends on who he is. I'm with Lecturer, biased towards him being completely honest with no agendas attached.

 

I guess after being with each other for so long, there's no difference between getting married and not. Perhaps the expectation he has about marriage and love didn't meet his expectation of how he feel he should have felt. He may feel there is something more to it than current.

 

Is he the type of person who is hinting to you so you do something about it, or is he just stating that this is what it is and that you don't have to do anything.

 

If he doesn't want a son/daughter, is he implying there's no future between you guys and that a divorce should occur? Or is he in the undecided gray zone?

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I think there's something else going on and he only gave you the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. You're probably going to have to sit down and try to get to the bottom of the real issues and dig a little deeper. But, most of all, put all plans of having a baby on hold for now until you two have sorted out what's going on.

 

Perhaps marriage counselling will help.

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