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What exactly is going on here?


Dewboy

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Need a little advice……I have been dating my girlfriend off and on for about 6 months. We never really put a label on it until about 2 weeks ago. We tried the FWB thing but it did not pan out. Before putting a label on our relationship we were fighting all the time. The fights usually occurred when I had to go home to take care of things (pay bills, do laundry, have my daughter for the weekend, etc.) You see, we live seperately so I have to leave from time to time to handle things at home. I live with a roomate and she is not ready to meet my daughter yet so she does not come with me when I go home. When I am with her things are great between us. When I go home however things seem to change. She somehow tries to twist things and start arguments with me. She claims she doesn’t want me around 24/7 and claims that she respects the fact I have things to do but at the same time she tells me I’m stringing her along and keeping her on stand by.

 

All I really need is like one to two nights a week to handle business but I can never leave w/o her accusing me of trying to get over on her….almost as if I have a hidden agenda. We have not had any incidents in a while but she texted me from work yesterday and asked If I needed to stay home tonight or if she needed to p/u some things for dinner. I responded by saying that I needed to pay some bills online and do some laundry so she was getting a break from me tonight (I said this jokingly). She responded back by saying that she did not want a break from me but respects that I have things to do. She finished up by saying have a good day/evening. I responded back to her stating that I know she didn’t “want” a break and that I was just joking and then I proceeded to tell her that I received some stuff in the mail (bank cards to my new bank, tax papers, etc) and that I wanted to handle some things online. Here was her response back…….

 

“Don’t patronize me! I just didn’t realize that your mailman brings u ur mail to work, or did u expect me to think u drove home during lunch, maybe you had this planned last night. Either way you should have told me sooner! It’s rude to keep me on hold all the time! Just save it……because I don’t want your lame excuses and stop acting like ur doing me a favor! I deserve more than than that!”

 

Wow! I didn’t even know how to respond. We havent spoken since. What exactly did I do wrong here? Or is she just off her rocker? I am really fed up with her blowing up on me for what I percieve as no big deal. What do you guys think of this?

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It sounds like she is getting fed up with being as she put it 'kept on hold'. If you tend to just pick the day you're going to stay at home on the day based on whatever comes up then I can see how she might be getting tired of never feeling like she can make other plans because she won't know what you're up to.

 

Have you considered having a proper schedule for when you see each other? Before my boyfriend started shifts I saw him 5 days out of 7, and I always stayed home on Monday and Friday nights. That way, we always knew when we were expecting to see each other, so it was clearer when we should tell each other asap of other plans coming up.

 

I think if she feels more stable about when she sees you and knows you're not so likely to decide not to see her at the last moment for whatever reason, the fights will go down.

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I'm curious - if the 'FWB thing didn't work out' until you put a label on it, what is the label? Friends? or Benefits?

 

She sounds weird, but then this is what happens when people in relationships use their phones to text instead of to sepak to each other...

 

The only word I need to see here is 'accusing'. Get out, get out! Run like the wiiiiiiind!!

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Sounds to me like you already know when you won't be able to see her because your busy with bills or w/e which is fine. I think she gets mad because you don't tell her and make her wait till the last minute before she realizes shes not going to see you.

 

I mean if she was making dinner then maybe she was expecting you over all day? Maybe she got mad you didn't tell her sooner like in the morning that you would be too busy?

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Ok the text is a bit loopy but I can see where she is coming from.

 

You describe it was dating....for 6 months, you stay at hers most of the time, she is sweet enough to cook you dinner etc. That's not dating that's a relationship. (imo)

 

I can understand how she feels insecure and 'strung along'. Not that you are doing it intentionally, but 6 months is a long time to wait for officially being gf/bf..partners.

 

You say she doesn't want to meet your daughter yet - have you told her you'd like her to? Maybe she's waiting to be asked...

 

I don't know it's a tricky one...she could just be loopy but when I was seeing my ex I refused to do serious things with him. Going away etc. I stayed over infrequently, preferred to leave in the night. I was reluctant to meet his friends. In my eyes that would have made the whole rel more serious...BUT not in his. I would have been falling thinking I had this amazing guy who involved me so much, but that didn't matter to him. Occasionally then I could take no more and would get angry over the littlest things....

 

Do you want to be committed to her? If so tell her.

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I will try and answer everyone's questions here......

 

We are both 35, we agreed to basically be boyfriend and girlfriend after trying the FWB thing. We both never like the FWB thing because we never quite knew where we stood and did not like the idea of being able to see others.

 

I stayed with her from Friday night until Monday morning so I am not sliding in and out of her door frequently. I have asked her on many occasions to meet my daughter but she has declined. She said she is not ready and I respect that but she also has to respect that I have to spend time with her as well and for the most part she does.

 

I understand and get how she would be upset if we/she planned dinner and I told her i had other things to do but this is not the case. She flat out asked me if i was staying home tonight or did she need to pick up dinner.......

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Ok the daughter thing etc is difficult because it's hard to gauge through this....

 

Do you always stay Fri-Mon? and just those days?

As for the dinner, (I'm not saying she's right but just how I may feel). If you often end up back at hers on Mon she may have been looking forward to seeing you, so she was disappointed. When you left on Mon morning did you say, see you wed, see you later, etc?

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Ok the daughter thing etc is difficult because it's hard to gauge through this....

 

Do you always stay Fri-Mon? and just those days?

As for the dinner, (I'm not saying she's right but just how I may feel). If you often end up back at hers on Mon she may have been looking forward to seeing you, so she was disappointed. When you left on Mon morning did you say, see you wed, see you later, etc?

 

No I do not always stay Fri-Mon. Sometimes its the entire week. We had a discussion a while back in which I told her that I need at least a day maybe two to handle things other than that I would stay with her the other days that I did not have my daughter. I have been getting my daughter about every other weekend (Fri-Sun).

 

No i did not say I was coming back over Tuesday when I left. Thats why she texted me and asked if i was staying home or coming over later that day.

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She definitely has some abandonment issues and I can tell you that they wont get any better........I wouldnt reply to that text and just wait for her to cool down and come back around.

 

This shouldnt be the last you hear from her. Especially if she truly does fear abandonment. She will be back to cling on to you.

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“Don’t patronize me! I just didn’t realize that your mailman brings u ur mail to work, or did u expect me to think u drove home during lunch, maybe you had this planned last night. Either way you should have told me sooner! It’s rude to keep me on hold all the time! Just save it……because I don’t want your lame excuses and stop acting like ur doing me a favor! I deserve more than than that!”

 

 

 

THis 'woman' is absolutely unfit to be in an adult relationship - what a self- centered harpie. Dump her azz.

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Or is she just off her rocker?

 

^^^

Sorry to say...

 

Or to put it in a nicer way, as others have said, she has issues. Her response to you was extremely uncalled for. It was way over the top in rudeness, over-emotional, and a big old flapping "red flag".

 

There is nothing you could have done any better. She asked if she'd see you tonight & you told her. She'd have no problem with short notice if it was "yes"... But, it wasn't even short notice. You should be able to discuss things at the days beginning at times. And you are there "on schedule" so often....

 

This is allll her.... 100%....

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I can sort of see where she is coming from because I want some warning about when things are happening so that I can make plans. She probably doesn't like going all day with this up in the air about if she will see you or not. I think you should make it very clear to her, maybe the night before, when you will be staying home. Don't wait until it's your normal time to hang out and make her ask.

 

However, she is overreacting to the situation. Obviously this is a hot button issue for her, but I do think she needs to relax just a bit.

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She sounds incredibly insecure. Spending 5 days a week together after only dating for 6 months is a good amount of time. Her wanting you there 24/7 would worry me if I were you. Do you really want to be wearing a leash in this relationship? She needs to have a little faith.

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I agree that we need to set some type of guidelines as far as what days we spend together. My biggest concern however is that she feels its ok to "go off" on me like this when she percieves that I am doing her wrong. I never do this to her and she has done this to me many times in the past. She usually calls me after a couple of days and says sorry but never fully apologizes. She is very hot headed and admits this but I am not sure I can continue tolerating this behavior. I can deal with someone with an occasional temper problem and by all rights if they want to explode on me for me doing something wrong and I AM at fault....then fine...I will take it and apologize if neccesary. She feels as if simply saying sorry smooths everything over......after about the 50th sorry....it's sincerity wears off.

 

On a side note. she still has yet to contact me. Maybe this is for the better.

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Regarding her not contacting you....from your original post, it appears that her response(albeit very short and curt) was the last contact, no? After gathering your composure, did you ever reply back? She may be waiting on a response from you...

 

 

No I actually responded back immediately when she sent her rant. I was not rude or ugly back....I simply told her that I was not sure how to respond to her text and that I was not out to pull the wool over her eyes. I told her that I just needed her to believe me when I say I have things to take care of vs. her thinking I was plotting on how to leave or "keeping her on stand by". These are never my intentions.

 

She never responded back, that was the last time we spoke.

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Gotcha. Sounds like she is expecting you to grovel(for what reason, I dunno). But of course, you won't be doing any of that.

 

If it's her pattern to usually come sniffing back after a couple of days, then I would definitely wait this one out, and have a serious convo with her asap(preferably not thru text or phone). Stand your ground about her overreaction. Although in this particular instance your joke could have been taken out of context, if she was really looking forward to spending time together and since it was done thru text(so easy for things to be misinterpreted).

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Maybe she does find your "tone" (I know it's written) with her patronising at times. I don't really see why you felt you had to respond to her nice first email .. why not just say "thanks babe, see you tomorrow"? I can sort of see how she'd feel patronised by your second email if she was already feeling irritated with you about something.

 

If you are living with this girl nearly 6 nights a week, in my humble opinion its not respectful of you to not give her advance notice (even just a day or two) of you going back to your place. Instead of waiting for her to ask you if you will be coming home that night. To me that's polite and shows consideration.

 

Maybe that's what irritated her and then your "tone" made her snap a bit.

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That would be understandable if I truly was living with her and was with her 6 nights a week but this is not the case. We never talked about me being over all the time. In fact I will be finding a place to live at the end of this summer. Currently I am living with a roomate. Moving in with her is not an option because her place is extremely tiny and physically impossible for me to move my stuff into but more importantly i have to have a place for my daughter to stay and she is not ready to meet her.

 

We just pretty much wing it when it comes to staying together. She will ask me on certain weekends if i want to hang out and I ask her the same. There is never any pressure or committment to be there on certain nights.

 

I'm not sure why i felt obligated to explain in detail what I would be doing vs. saying thanks babe. I suppose I could have said that but at the same time how am I to know that I was rubbing salt in the wound from her perspective?

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Update:

 

I wrote her an e-mail last night stating that I did not know what exactly is going on with this situation and let her know that I was not happy with it. I told her that I would change my behaviors if i knew what I was doing wrong but at the same time I feel I have done nothing wrong so I cant help fix things if she doesnt communicate with me. I told her that we can either handle this like 2 adults and reach a solution to our problems or we may just need to move on. She sent me this text this morning.....

 

"I'm sorry....not because i was wrong......but because you will never understand me. Please feel free to do whatever it takes to make your life peaceful and happy. No matter what you decide, I do want to be friends. Maybe we can do dinner next Fri??? TTYL"

 

I read this as....its your decision, do what you want.....I've done nothing wrong.

 

thoughts?

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