New relationship: my boyfriend calls me more than I call him. More, please read

[Traveler27]

What do people think of one person in the relationship doing most of the initiating in terms of daily calling/texting? I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 months and so far, he is doing most of the phone contact. I don't want to play games, but I'm afraid of getting hurt and I don't want to start reaching out and initiating phone calls, etc.

 

Guys (and ladies too), would you be insecure, worried, concerned if a new girlfriend didn't call frequently?

[DrKitten]

It wouldn't bother me, unless there was a pretty sudden change in the amount of contact. But even so, I just try to remind myself he can get busy unexpectedly, be with the guys, just want some space, etc.

 

Why are you afraid of initiating phone calls? If you're in a relationship, I don't think it should be entirely one-sided. I've also been with my boyfriend for about two months, and he just let me know that he'd like me to call more. Guys can get insecure too.

[DN]

A good relationship needs balance and fairly equal effort. If one person starts to feel they are doing most of the effort then they can assume a lack of interest - that can lead to a diminution of their own interest to the point they walk away.

[greywolf]

If you want to live a life without risks, then you need to be single. But if you want to have a good, healthy relationship - one where you feel safe even when you let yourself be vulnerable - then you need to start reaching out and taking those risks.

[Cheeks18]

I get insucure myself if I do all the contacting, I like it when I get a call or text every once and a while, its a nice change of pace and it brightens up my day...

 

Maybe try a little bit of contact first and see how it goes??

[PSYCHOLOGY]

I am curious, why dont you call him as much...however as someone said balance is needed in a realtionship and this sounds like nothing to worry about.

[fLuiD]

I think you are getting caught up in wondering what he will think if you contact him too much. Its OK for an every few hours text and a phone call when you know he isn't busy. Just dont over do it, but dont under do it either.

[Cyclic]

I went out with a girl that would practically never initiate contact or anything... I always felt like I must not be doing enough. For a long time I was "okay" with it. After it ended I felt pretty bad and have since resolved that I need more equal contact...

[melrich]

He may be like me. I hate talking on the phone and only do so when I have to. I rarely initiate the call to my wife but she calls me once a day. I am just not a phone person.

[WomanWriter]

My boyfriend made most of the contact in the beginning and what I thought was he was coming on too strong. But now it seems like it's equal or slightly reversed towards me making a little more contact.

 

I think that it will eventually even out if it's mean to be. I notice from experience that there are periods where you are the chaser and sometimes he is. Sometimes you are burning up with lust and butterflies and emotions and he can't care less. Other times, he's clingy and lovey dovey and you just want to be left alone.

 

When you think about it, it's rare for two people to be in the same "place" at the same time. But if you never call him, he might start feeling resentful later. Maybe you should call him sometimes.

[FathomFear]

I don't want to play games, but I'm afraid of getting hurt and I don't want to start reaching out and initiating phone calls, etc.

 

I'm not sure I understanding your reasoning here. Can you explain in more detail? It almost sounds like you don't want to expend any effort because you want to have an "out", like "I never liked you that much anyway, which is why I never called".

[BriarRose]

Men will usually do most of the calling (if they are interested).

[BriarRose]

Originally Posted by Traveler27

I don't want to play games, but I'm afraid of getting hurt and I don't want to start reaching out and initiating phone calls, etc.

I'm not sure I understanding your reasoning here. Can you explain in more detail? It almost sounds like you don't want to expend any effort because you want to have an "out", like "I never liked you that much anyway, which is why I never called".

 

No, Fathom...she is saying things are going well and she doesn't want to jeopardize that by seeming like she is "chasing" him.

[Maya_A]

I don't want to play games, but I'm afraid of getting hurt and I don't want to start reaching out and initiating phone calls, etc.

 

If the only or main reason you are not calling is because you are afraid of getting hurt (or otherwise you would initiate at times) then you certainly need to address this, yes.

 

Wherever we are holding back out of sheer fear, there lies beneath issues that need healing. As greywolf said so well, if we want to experience human interaction, there are always risks.

 

There is also much, much beauty....

 

Do all you can to heal your insecurities & fears here...

[DN]

I don't believe it is true that if men are interested they will do most of the calling. And even if it is true that most do - supposing this particular guy is not one of those who is happy to do it? It is a risky thing to assume.

[citymouse]

Men will usually do most of the calling (if they are interested).

 

I agree with Miss Kitty, especially the last part. I have seen it happen over and over again among family and friends. Guys who are really and truly interested don't sit around waiting for the phone to ring. It is not in their DNA.

 

I call my new b/f sometimes but he does most of the calling. We are both comfortable with things this way. Tonight he called me as soon as he got home from work. We talked for about a half hour, talked about our plans for the weekend and said goodbye. Then he called about two minutes later (again!) to say, he just wanted to let me know he loved me. (awwwww!!!!!) (hearts flying in the air around my head)

 

I never would have had the guts to do what he did tonight... but it melted my heart. What he is doing is making me feel safe. Safer and safer all the time, to express myself with him. He's creating a comfortable zone where the trust keeps building between us. He's gaining my confidence. In return for that, he will get my complete and total loyalty and devotion. It's not like he's getting the short end of the stick, somehow. If he ever asked me to call him more often, I would do that absolutely, but I would pay close attention to any signals he was giving off. Chasing after guys, calling and texting them constantly, almost always drives them away from my experience and observation.

[DN]

Well Traveler27 - it's up to you. You can take the risk of not stepping up to the plate and doing your share of carrying this relationship and see if this guy sticks around. Or you can call him a little more and let him know that you are interested and he isn't wasting his time on a woman who isn't really into him. In my experience a healthy relationship is when both people make an effort but not doing so may work for you.

[Lucius]

Chasing after guys, calling and texting them constantly, almost always drives them away from my experience and observation.

 

"Calling and texting then constantly" is a far cry from calling and texting them half of the time, though. It doesn't have to be either extreme, surely? There's a very broad middle ground here.

[FathomFear]

No, Fathom...she is saying things are going well and she doesn't want to jeopardize that by seeming like she is "chasing" him.

 

Well, I would consider that an extreme end of the spectrum, where someone calls way too often. The other extreme to that is never calling. I think it's healthy to do some legwork and show some effort. It's just a matter of respect.

[Traveler27]

No, Fathom...she is saying things are going well and she doesn't want to jeopardize that by seeming like she is "chasing" him.

 

Precisely, Misskitty.

[Traveler27]

Well Traveler27 - it's up to you. You can take the risk of not stepping up to the plate and doing your share of carrying this relationship and see if this guy sticks around. Or you can call him a little more and let him know that you are interested and he isn't wasting his time on a woman who isn't really into him. In my experience a healthy relationship is when both people make an effort but not doing so may work for you.

 

DN, I am making efforts, believe me. I've noticed that in the past week, his phone and text contact has been more limited - and this is just as I am starting to get very emotionally attached to him. This is why I am being cautious. I have this feeling that part of the appeal (for some men) is to do a lot of the pursuing. I do initiate texts to check in so he knows that I am thinking of him.

 

And I'm trying to call more, but I'm not much of a phone person and he seems to like the phone a lot more than I do. Definitely agree that a healthy relationship needs somewhat of a balance, although I don't believe there are many relationships that are perfectly equal in these regards.

[absinthe]

Even after we've gotten married, I let him call me since he's working out of home and I'm working from home. The last thing I want to do, unless I need him to pick up something after work, is to call him while he's with a client or in court.

 

Pre-marriage from the first day we started dating, he would always call every day, at least once.

 

In retrospect, looking back on all my historical relationships and dating, I rely on the guy to make contact. It's a combination of gauging interest, as well as personality types. I've always preferred the more assertive, strong communicator, less sensitive types of men.

 

Traveler, I don't think it's necessarily an indication of interest in all men. Refer to the previous paragraph about the description of man that it might pertain to. More the hunter-style man.

[Bartok]

Men will usually do most of the calling (if they are interested).

At the beginning, yes, but after being in a relationship for a few months? I STRONGLY disagree. Both people should contact eachother about the same amount. At that point I hope you're beyond "chasing" and "pursuing" crap and both people are putting in an appropriate amount of effort.

 

EDIT: Which, of course, will vary depending on the personalities involved.

[DN]

DN, I am making efforts, believe me. I've noticed that in the past week, his phone and text contact has been more limited - and this is just as I am starting to get very emotionally attached to him. This is why I am being cautious. I have this feeling that part of the appeal (for some men) is to do a lot of the pursuing. I do initiate texts to check in so he knows that I am thinking of him.

 

And I'm trying to call more, but I'm not much of a phone person and he seems to like the phone a lot more than I do. Definitely agree that a healthy relationship needs somewhat of a balance, although I don't believe there are many relationships that are perfectly equal in these regards.

It seems to me that you are beginning a self-fulfilling prophecy. You don't want to get hurt so you are holding back - you hold back and so he starts to withdraw because he senses a lack of interest.

 

And it is always dangerous to make assumptions about an individual based on what you think men, even some men, do generally. Because this man may not follow that assumption and be different. Even if it is true that some men like to pursue - suppose he doesn't?

 

Balance in a relationship is not measured by a precise scale of who does what - it is measured by the satisfaction that both partners feel within it. And if one person feels they are carrying more of the effort and the other person is not, they will either feel resentful and/or feel the other person isn't as emotionally invested or interested. That is corrosive.

 

You are being a little contradictory when you say on the one hand things are going well and then say, on the other, that he is starting to contact you less.

 

My advice is to reciprocate his interest if you feel it and at least mirror his actions that show it.

[JackAfrica]

It seems to me that you are beginning a self-fulfilling prophecy. You don't want to get hurt so you are holding back - you hold back and so he starts to withdraw because he senses a lack of interest.

 

 

Yes, and ultimately, her self protection will become self defeating.