I am confused?

[wait22]

I have been dating someone for 6 weeks. She was very intense in the beginning and about 3 weeks in she stated she wanted to slow down. That was fine with me although I believe she was pushing the seriousness of the relationship via the things she said, frequent calls and texts.

After I "slowed it down" for about a week she picked up the pace again.

Now she tells me her ex is texting her saying he wants her back. She says she won't go back. She stated this has been going on during the entire time we have been dating. Her past relationship was 3 years, he has kids, she never met them and he originally ended the relationship after she gave him 30 days to reconsider? Whatever, this is what she says.

 

The other night, given the things she has said and I have said to each other, I told her it bothered me that they were still communicating. She said she did not have to tell me but she wanted to be honest. I explained I appreciated the honesty, however, that does not mean I have to accept the situation. She argued the point ( calm friendly debate) saying she believes she should be there for people in their time of need? I am totally confused and am not sure what to do. I am not a jealous person by nature, however, I really like her and her wishy / washy behavior is making me nervous. Furthermore, I have been broken up with my ex for about the same length of time ( 5 months ) and I would not communicate with her? I think in order to build trust in a new relationship you have to consider the other persons feelings and I would not do something to make them feel unsure or uncomfortable.

 

I would really appreciate anyones thoughts on this because I am really confused and do not want to get hurt anymore that I would be at this stage.

 

Thank You,

[CaptainNapalm]

You're wrong. You've only been dating this girl for 6 weeks!!! At this point there should be very little expectations. You are not in your right mind to tell this girl that she shouldn't be talking to an ex she's dated for 3 years after only dating you for a few weeks. These kind of expectations should only come after at least 4-5 months of dating, even then it's arguable as most people don't have objections to remaining friends with ex's. If you don't like where you're at with her then leave but don't tell her to abandon communication with someone she's been with for many years for someone she's dated a few short weeks.

[wait22]

Thank you for your reply!

 

I suppose you are right. I was taken back by her intensity and her use of the "L" word, in such a short period of time. This has not been the typical dating experience. We talked on the phone for 2 weeks prior to actually meeting. She wanted to make sure I was completely done and over my last relationship before she started dating me.

 

The last person I dated was for 3 months, this was after my 4 year relationship. This the was the typical dating experience and the expectations were as you have conveyed. Although it ended, it ended friendly.

 

I guess the fact he is begging her to come back to him every day is ok and the fact she is communicating back is ok also. However, I am not sure I should interfere since you believe the 3 year relationship takes precedence over our short dating experience. Perhaps I should step aside. That might be the right thing to do.

[catfeeder]

Never wise to involve yourself with ANYone who's still attached to her ex. Period.

 

She's quite a manipulator, trying to guilt you into 'being there' for her. That's not your job. You have every right and reason to seek out relationships with women who are fully clear of past relationships, and you don't owe anyone free social work.

[petite]

This is very simple. If she is OVER her ex an if she cares about you and wants to pursue something with you then yes do ask her to stop if it is bothering you.

 

I don't tink that many people are friends with ex's, there are those rare occasion wheere people are, but really their partners down inside will have some sort of issue with it.

 

Sure they spend an X amount of years together and ended it, but she is with you now. Ex should not be important then.

 

6 weeks is still a pretty long time and if in 6 weeks you don't know if you two want to be together, than don't waste your time.

 

One thing for sure I would never date a man who is friends with an ex. Sure if we run into them together and they wave and say Hi,but not the kind of ex that he has on his facebook/email/text or has coffee with. Not acceptable. And no that does not make me self conscious it just means I don't want anyones ex in the picture, his or mine because there will always be some feelings from one side no matter how much they say it wont.

 

The tings she is saying to you are typical of a person who is NOT over their ex. Explain to her what you feel, and if that bothers her then maybe you should rethink the whole situation between you guys, because it's always easier to leave in the beginning rather than later.

[wait22]

I appreciate everyones imput. I tend to agree with the last two. We met online and there was an understanding based on both our profiles and conversations for two weeks prior to the 6 weeks we have been together, that we were ready to move on and work toward a committed relationship if the chemistry and commonalities exist. Well, it has been a very passionate, although rocky 6 weeks. With intensity and then pulling back and then instensity again. It is driving me crazy.

 

I get text messages, today, professing her desire to be with me, yet I get a phone call early in the evening saying, " my phone is almost dead so if I don't answer you will know why". One could say, " Thank you" as I did, however, I still have that uneasy feeling that I am being played, a crutch or otherwise held onto until she resolves the issue with her ex or maybe finds someone else. The issue with her ex, I am told, he won't commit to marriage and she keeps saying she won't get back together for that reason, although she said he is now saying he will but she does not believe him, so she says. When I ask, what if he comes over and hands you a ring? She just says, " He won't". ???????? What does that mean?

 

I am a decent looking guy with an opportunity to be a "player" if I had less integrity. That is not in my character. She is also very beautiful and says the sweetest things, however, as one of you said, this could all be manipulation. I have to say, I am beginning to hate dating. I find very few that I am intersted in or they judge me as a player based on appearance I presume. I guess the saying could be true, nice guys do finish last.

 

Thank you all for your comments. It really helps me think clearly. There is also another dynamic. I have a little girl and was married for 9 years. She does not have kids, never married and we are both in our late 30's. At this point she has not met my child. Also, at this point should I not expect a higher level of sincerity and desire for commitment? We are together every other day or more for the last 6 weeks, but she is still talking to her ex and in the first two weeks I found out she was online talking to a guy we ran into at a club. She got his profile name and told me she looked him up for a friend, but the friend is married and when I spoke to her friend she acknowleged the contact and said she should not have done that. What I assume she meant was the contact was for her.

[catfeeder]

She hasn't been free of her ex long enough to be dating material, much less relationship material. You say she's been broken from him for 5 months, but it sounds like 10 minutes. Then another 10 minutes. Then another... Do you really want to get caught up in the middle of someone else's relationship? This is rebound stuff. It's also nuts.

 

You are, however, smart for keeping your child away from your dates. Kids don't get dating, and they form attachments quickly. The last thing you want to demo is that relationships are disposable. I wouldn't introduce a young child into a romance unless and until you've been dating well into a year and own clarity about your commitment--along with the stability to prove it. Otherwise, it does something to them. Protecting your kid from flakes (and not becoming one) is your number one priority.

 

I hope you'll consider using more discretion in not only the length of time a potential date should be free of past relationships both physically and emotionally, but also in how quickly you offer a relative stranger a deep investment. Six weeks is waaay too early to be this crazy for-and-about someone.

 

Question: are you sure you're not throwing yourself into next frying pan before you've even fully recovered from your own breakup? You sound a bit 'rushy'.

[wait22]

I agree what you say about children and their involvement. As for the "rushy"thing. It is amazing to me I am this way with her. I have dated many and my friends laugh because I become disinterested so quickly. With her it was like a "love at first site" thing. She acted the same way. We have similar backgrounds and she is a master at making you feel like your the one and only. She is extremely charming and when I pulled back, I mean I just stopped calling and or texting, a flurry of texts and calls came flooding in. She at one point said, " I think we need to see each other as soon as possible". She later stated that I was being cold and she feared I would get tired of her and walk away.

I am really the opposite. I date and can move on when I sense an issue that is not good for me or my daughter. Like I said earlier, I had a 3 month relationship, saw her about once a week and broke it off because of differences I thought could not be overcome. With her, she draws me in and then drops bomb shells like her ex and other stuff where she has been mistreated on past relationships. Perhaps to gain empathy. I must say, I have never had anyone be so kind and complentary toward me including my wife of 9 years. I have been divorced for 4 and have not committed since. She just has some kind of hold on me that I cannot explain.

[petite]

1. Why would she call to tell you her phone is dead? Doesn't she have a charger?

 

2. Seems like she is NOT over her ex, when a woman says "but he wont" in the context of her ex committing, that simple means she is in some ways forced to move on.

 

I'm hesitant to say this, but I will anyway, from what you have written on this thread, it seems like you might be her rebound and believe me you don't want to be anyone's rebound. She obviously has issues that aren't resolved.

 

Definitely do not introduce your child to this woman, keep your child protected, and openly speak to this woman you are dating and she can either make her mind up or you will be best to let her go.

[wait22]

Thank you! It is so nice to get honest points of view. It is a crazy situation. She went after me with a vengence. I initially was not interested but was overwhelmed with her persistance, kindness and beauty. So this is what happens, I blow everyone else off I was talking with for her and now I find out she is not over her ex, so it seems. It makes me feel pretty stupid. You are right! I do not want to be anyones rebound and nor do I have to be. I will assess the situation further, however, thanks to all of you, I can approach the situation with a clear mind.

Thank you!

[Ms Darcy]

I must say, I have never had anyone be so kind and complentary toward me including my wife of 9 years. I have been divorced for 4 and have not committed since. She just has some kind of hold on me that I cannot explain.

 

It sounds like she gives you the promise of what you really hope for ... love, kindness, affection. Often times, when someone offers you this so completely before they know you, they are trying to hook you in quickly to gain a committment and not trying to slowly get to know you for who you are and what you have to offer.

 

It's easy to start hating dating when you date ridiculous people. Hot and cold, befriending the ex, friending random guys are all clear signs that someone is not ready for dating prime times. You know what you need to do here. You can either drag it out or end it now.

[wait22]

You are seeing things through my eyes exactly. Absolutely hitting the nail on the head!! Kindness, affection and love. Not to mention, she took me to meet her family after only 3 weeks of dating. At the time I thought it was a bit much, but I thought it was very sweet and genuine.

 

Hot and Cold. Yesterday, after she said her phone was going to die about 7:30p she then text me at 12:30 saying she is home and " Miss U". I called her this morning to say hello and she was back to short conversation so I just said I had to get back to work. By now I would have at least had some communication from her, however, not the case. She is also getting nothing from me. This is a girl in her late 30's and used to having guys chase her. Never married and no kids. Well, I am too old to play games and I have a little girl to think about. Not to mention she has told me things about her past that I would rather not know. Sounds selfish, however, I am having a hard time dealing with it. I guess my struggle is I am open to manipulation from a woman I find very physically beautiful and I thought sweet and down to earth. There are moments of both, but no consistency. Regardless of time spent together, 6 weeks or a year, there should be some consistency. If I do not end it now or see something very different in the next few days, I expect things to end soon. I will keep you all posted. Thanks so much!