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He says he's too old to have children


Jetta

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He's 44, and when I'm done with college he'd be 46. Do I break up with him because I may want to have another child? It's hard when you have feelings for someone to just let them go, is there another option I'm not considering? I can't imagine a life without children in it, sure I have my daughter but I don't want her to be alone in the world when she's an adult. It's nice to have a sibling.

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I think you have to decide how important (the possibility of) having another child it to you. If it is something you REALLY want (or may REALLY want), I think it would be a disservice to the both of you to keep on going hoping the other person will change his/her mind.

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It depends on whether the feeling that you may want a child is stronger than your emotional attachment to this man. Sadly, children really are one area where there's no compromise.

 

I do think you need to examine your motives for wanting another one, though. If it really is for yourself, and your maternal instincts and biological clock are an overriding force for you - then you need to find a relationship where the guy shares this future goal (well, not the biological clock bit, but you know what I mean!).

 

If, however, you're doing it for your daughter - that's different. Does she want a sibling? Not everyone does, and having a sibling isn't necessarily pleasant - as many threads on here would testify. Why do you think your daughter will be alone in the world when she's an adult? I haven't looked on your other threads, but does she have a condition which would make it difficult to cope without an immediate relative? There's also no guarantee that a sibling would actually fulfil the role that you would hope for, either, even if this isn't the case.

 

If you really want another child, then you need to pursue this with a like-minded man - or be prepared to bring him/her up on your own. Otherwise, it would be a pity to end a promising relationship, which is a certainty in the here and now, for the sake of something which may never happen.

 

Hope this helps!

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I think he is being......A MAN!

We don't think "oh a new baby" We think "How am I going to raise, pay for and send to college a child" For you a baby is something so much more and possibly to him as well but he is also thinking about the nuts and bolts of having a child at his age.

46 when the baby is born, 64 when the child graduates high school and 68 when four years of college is completed. This is no small thing to a man.

 

If your heart is set on a baby then perhaps this may be the deal breaker in the relationship. Time for some real soul searching before you pull the trigger.

 

Best wishes

Lost

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I would never throw away a great man over this, but that's your life. No right or wrong here. I suspect you aren't extremely into him if you are thinking this way. I honestly wouldn't bring another child into this world just to keep your daughter company, as most of the time siblings aren't extremely close in adulthood. They normally make their own friends and aren't terribly attached. That's going from what I've seen in MANY families. Most of the time, the mothers end up trying with all their might to KEEP the siblings close. Sort of pointless in my opinion.

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You need to decide for sure whether you want children, because since you are 35, many men you meet are not going to want to have more kids. I am 44, and none of the men I have dated in recent years wanted to have more children, and all of them already had children from other marriages. This did not cause me to rule them out since I don't want kids, but it's something you are going to encounter a lot.

 

I have 1 single gf who is 43, and she wants kids and will not date someone who doesn't. She is running into a lot of breakups because many men her age do not want more kids. She's ruled out some good guys...

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I have 1 single gf who is 43, and she wants kids and will not date someone who doesn't. She is running into a lot of breakups because many men her age do not want more kids. She's ruled out some good guys...

And conversely, a lot of guys who are 43 and very much want a child of their own are going to reluctant to date a 43 year old, no matter what she desires or how desirable she is otherwise. Unless they're both happy with the idea of adoption.

 

At 35, Jetta doesn't have to worry about that sort of barrier, yet.

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No because adoption isn't an option for me, otherwise I'd be all for it. I did talk with him and I do understand where he is coming from. I honestly have to really think about it. A big concern of mine was an accidental pregnancy, my form of birth control has a high failure rate (according to the doctor) and I wondered knowing his thoughts how he would take that news and he wasn't bad about it. I just have to think "Do I want to give up what's left of my fertility for this man?". Because I'm not the on purpose accident type.

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No because adoption isn't an option for me, otherwise I'd be all for it.

Hmmm? Why? I get wanting a child of your own, I've got serious urges myself in that direction. But if you're OK with adoption, I'd think it would be an option.

 

Speaking of which, if he's "too old" for children, what about your daughter? Doesn't she count? Won't his reluctance to take on the responsibilities of fatherhood carry over there?

 

I just have to think "Do I want to give up what's left of my fertility for this man?"

I'm sure you've got plenty of fertility left.

 

If this does prove a deal-breaker for you, don't assume all guys in their 40's are going to react this way. Though the comments earlier about many older men not wanting more children are true as well.

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I would never throw away a great man over this, but that's your life. No right or wrong here.

 

I suspect you aren't extremely into him if you are thinking this way.

 

There is definitely no right or wrong but I would not want to be with someone who did not want children. You need to decide for you how much you want another child.

 

It's early in your relationship and it's a good time to ask these questions before dating for too long and getting really attached.

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There is definitely no right or wrong but I would not want to be with someone who did not want children. You need to decide for you how much you want another child.

 

It's early in your relationship and it's a good time to ask these questions before dating for too long and getting really attached.

 

I've seen women force themselves into relationships just to have a child. And then they end up divorcing and that's all they have is the child. It's so sad when that happens.

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I don't think people with documented mental illness are allowed to adopt is why I say that, and I have one. My best friend has looked into adoption and she's overweight and because of that can't adopt internationally. They're very strict about who they allow to be parents.

 

As for the guy he's gotten wishy washy on the child stance. Not sure if it's just to reel me in or what.

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I don't think people with documented mental illness are allowed to adopt is why I say that, and I have one.

Oh, sorry, I'd forgotten about that. I vaguely recall reading a thread in which you mentioned it, but don't recall the details.

 

Personally, I think it makes more sense to be with someone who is enthusiastic about being a parent. Being with someone who is doing it just to make you happy is never good in the long run. I've been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

 

How is he around your daughter? Again, whether you have a second child or not, if you stick with him he's going to be a big part of her life.

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It depends on whether the feeling that you may want a child is stronger than your emotional attachment to this man. Sadly, children really are one area where there's no compromise.
While this might hold true for the short-term, an unfulfilled need is impossible to ignore in the long-term. It builds into a compounding level of resentment.

 

I do think you need to examine your motives for wanting another one, though. If it really is for yourself, and your maternal instincts and biological clock are an overriding force for you - then you need to find a relationship where the guy shares this future goal (well, not the biological clock bit, but you know what I mean!).
No one ever talks about this and I'm not certain why not but men also have biological clocks and life plans. My H. divorced his previous wife, when she changed her mind about wanting to have a family. For many men in their 30's and older, having children is just as important to them, as with women.

 

If, however, you're doing it for your daughter - that's different. Does she want a sibling? Not everyone does, and having a sibling isn't necessarily pleasant - as many threads on here would testify. Why do you think your daughter will be alone in the world when she's an adult? I haven't looked on your other threads, but does she have a condition which would make it difficult to cope without an immediate relative? There's also no guarantee that a sibling would actually fulfil the role that you would hope for, either, even if this isn't the case.
Agreed.
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