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My world; destroyed


Harryneedshelp

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Us: Trying to work things out or so I thought during an emotional custody dispute with our first child.

 

3 months pregnant with our second child.

 

During a 4 month period, we were under advice by counsel to keep contact to a minimum until after the court hearing.

 

Me: Took this time to better myself. Personal therapy, soul searching and being positive that even after all this, we could grow roots and be a family.

 

Her: Had sex with a married man while pregnant. Daughter was asleep in the other room. Sad thing is the man lived in her apartment complex. Waved to me everyday when I came by. It takes two, but all this time I thought they were just friends. Silly me.

 

Outcome: She calls it a fling. I call it a selfish, self centered act that not only affected our relationship but forever affects the lives of our children. I have lost all respect for her and what she has done to my kids. With every passing day, it consumes me.

 

He pack up his wife, kid and moved.

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Although it's absolutely no excuse, and nothing can forgive this kind of infidelity, also consider that she likely has an extreme hormonal imbalance that could be linked to her pregnancy, and that otherwise, if she was in her right mind, she might not ever do something so thoughtless and callous.

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Although it's absolutely no excuse, and nothing can forgive this kind of infidelity, also consider that she likely has an extreme hormonal imbalance that could be linked to her pregnancy, and that otherwise, if she was in her right mind, she might not ever do something so thoughtless and callous.

 

That shouldn't even be in the equation.

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Although it's absolutely no excuse, and nothing can forgive this kind of infidelity, also consider that she likely has an extreme hormonal imbalance that could be linked to her pregnancy, and that otherwise, if she was in her right mind, she might not ever do something so thoughtless and callous.

 

That shouldn't even be in the equation.

 

I agree. I've been pregnant numerous times...Never once did I experience sudden, unexplained moral blackouts.....

 

Pregnancy and hormones do NOT excuse this kind of behavior. Snapping at your husband because he didn't pick up his socks, sure, but spreading your legs for the married neighbour? uh, not so much.

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^^^

Although not much help for the OP.

 

OP- I am so sorry for what you are going through. It's a horrible situation to be in. I think you realize that because she is pregnant, unless she's HORRIBLY, undeniably unfit, she would get physical custody of the children, because the courts assume babies NEED their mothers-and if they are breastfeeding, they do.

 

I can't even think of what to tell you. What does she want? Does she want to salvage things, or does she just want you to be a doormat. IMO anyone who would sleep around with another married man while pregnant with someone else's child has a screw loose...Does she even see a problem with what she did? Or is she trying to deflect the blame onto you somehow.

 

Do you see any possibility of recovery from this? How long have you been together? I guess the most important question of all is DO you want your marriage to recover from this?

 

uugh- 2 kids. No matter what, she's got you by the wallet. And those kids need you.

 

Keep with the counselling, that's all I've got for you, hopefully it will help you find your best path for your kids and yourself.

 

I'm so sorry.....

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That shouldn't even be in the equation.

 

I agree. I've been pregnant numerous times...Never once did I experience sudden, unexplained moral blackouts.....

 

Pregnancy and hormones do NOT excuse this kind of behavior. Snapping at your husband because he didn't pick up his socks, sure, but spreading your legs for the married neighbour? uh, not so much.

 

Hey guys... I don't want to let facts or evidence based on scientific study and not just your kneejerk reactions get in the way, but here:

 

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Hey guys... I don't want to let facts or evidence based on scientific study and not just your kneejerk reactions get in the way, but here:

 

link removed

 

Except you don't ovulate when you are pregnant...The women in this study were ovulating. But still, interesting to read, thanks!

 

Don't mean to be argumentative, and I suppose anything IS possible- but the most obvious explanation is usually the right one.

 

Don't hand her an excuse on a platter. If it was related to hormones, than genuine, painful remorse should follow...not "oh it was a one-time thing, get over it" kind of attitude...

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Except you don't ovulate when you are pregnant...The women in this study were ovulating. But still, interesting to read, thanks!

 

Don't mean to be argumentative, and I suppose anything IS possible- but the most obvious explanation is usually the right one.

 

Don't hand her an excuse on a platter. If it was related to hormones, than genuine, painful remorse should follow...not "oh it was a one-time thing, get over it" kind of attitude...

 

The point is that your hormones spike during pregnancy, often causing imbalance in some women. If you read my original post, I make a pretty big point about this not excusing her behavior. The point of the post is for the OP.

 

To the OP...

 

You are hurt right now, so you are going to have to do everything possible just to process this, and that will involve a lot of well-deserved anger. At some point down the road, however, if you have any interest in making a relationship work, it will pay to consider all factors, especially those that did not cause, but certainly affected her brain chemicals when she was choosing to make such a terrible decision.

 

It's super easy for anyone to come on here and just parrot... "Yeah, she's awful! She's a witch! Burn her with fire!" Ok, fine, but that won't help the OP. Everyone knows that cheating is wrong and hurtful.

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Yeah, I know what you're getting at. And if you are familiar with my posts, you'd know I consider a marriage with children something that deserves EVERY effort to save...

 

(In fact, if you read my subsequent post, you will note that I am trying to offer something useful too.)

 

But DAYUM, there's something just so distasteful about pregnant women screwing around...To me pregnancy is sacred...I can't even find the words for how much she disgusts me. And I don't care how many hormones are rushing through her body, at some point, we have to accept responsibility for our actions. Even if she had a momentary lapse of all reason, it would be restored by now. She should be disgusted in herself, not dismissing it as a 'fling'

 

The OP deserves to feel every ounce of outrage, and I am just not interested in minimizing her choices here.

 

But hey, that's why different opinions matter, right? It gives a sort of balance.

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I am with you on that one, and I agree completely that it's simply despicable behavior. That's also why I conclude that anyone who would do this, and risk not on their marriage, but also their children's well being, can't possibly be a stable person. She is not right in the head. And knowing that, I'd be most concerned about why she's not right, and if I had any thoughts about saving my marriage, I would want to decide if it were possible for her to ever change her behavior. If I thought she couldn't, then for the sake of myself and my children, I'd need to bolt.

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I used to think men were the only ones that cheat. This site lets me know there are so many women that do it also. It seems like every woman friend I get seems to be a cheater. They cant understand how no matter how bad my ex treated me why I would not cheat. I would not do it. I feel so badly for you. Did you tell his wife what happened? Have you also thought about a paternity test?

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Have you also thought about a paternity test?

 

This right here. And not only for the one on the way, but the other child as well.

 

I caught my ex cheating on me while she was pregnant, actually caught her and the other guy in bed, and I know how much of a kick in the groin it is. It's been years, but the very thought of what she did makes me sick to my gut in a way nothing else I've experienced ever has.

 

I wish I could give you some sage advice, but I can't. All I can say is get an excellent lawyer, tape every conversation you have with her, never put yourself in a position that she can claim you did something you didn't and fight with everything in you for custody of those kid if they're yours. Good luck.

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I see your point but disagree. Millions of pregnant women have somehow managed monogomy. Hormones and biology don't render you incapable of making logical or moral choices. The argument of hormones or biology could be used by both sides. Plus the argument becomes a slippery slope .

 

I know you weren't making an excuse for her, but ended up justifiying her actions. Imagine a man beating his wife then having someone state that perhaps she instigated it while he was under the influence, so you could see how he would do that.

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I see your point but disagree. Millions of pregnant women have somehow managed monogomy. Hormones and biology don't render you incapable of making logical or moral choices. The argument of hormones or biology could be used by both sides. Plus the argument becomes a slippery slope .

 

I know you weren't making an excuse for her, but ended up justifiying her actions. Imagine a man beating his wife then having someone state that perhaps she instigated it while he was under the influence, so you could see how he would do that.

 

You talk about not employing a slippery slope, and then in the next breath you say that I'm justifying her actions by merely mentioning that hormone changes during pregnancy have a tendency to turn some women manic. That makes sense to you somehow? I'm with you on the slippery slope argument, but if you're going to argue that point, at least refrain from making it the basis of your counterpoint. Otherwise, you end up just setting up pointless stawmen and arguing against a point that I never made.

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Thank you everyone for the replies and the support. Yes she is trying to salvage the relationship. At this point there is nothing she can do to make it right again. Having said that, I found out why the man she slept with had "moved". I can hardly type this but here goes. This individual was seen and reported to have molested a child that lived in the apartment complex. He was not formally charged with direct sexual molestation because what he did was to turn her upside down and peek under her skirt. The child did not accuse him of doing anything wrong. (Maybe she thought it was a game?) Needless to say he was evicted from the complex. I really have no words to describe what I'm feeling right now knowing this mother Fuc%#r was in the same house as my daughter. Perhaps I can't blame the egg donor for this assholes personal issues as it happened after the fact and she did not know. However, if she did not do what she did in the first place, sh!t like this would have never happened. It really is unbelievable and I'm really convinced the woman I have children with is not all together there.

 

God help me stay in control. I've taken my 45 ACP on more than one occasion; "looking".

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Jettison, I simply disagreed with your insertion of a minor stipulation in your response. We seem to agree on the main thrust of your argument. I stand by my point as per my example as I am not the only one that had issue with your statement. I don't think trying to invalidate my statement is constructive either.

Engaging in Brinksmanship while the OP has to deal with this solves nothing. The OP is best served by actual advice, not bickering.

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Im beginning to think that this piece of a man wanted to get with you wife and also find a way to get at your daughter. Dont take the ACP with you. He is not worth it. She is not worth it. How can she disrespect her home so much. Been there, done that, with a woman who is sleeping in the bed with my ex and son only 2 months after I move because he was cheating on me while I was with him, with her. How can this woman go to such disrespect to have sex with this man while your child is even in the house. I am so glad you have your kids. If she trust him enough to bring him into your home, then she would have trusted him enough to babysit while she is gone. Dont take your ACP, this man is going to run into the wrong person one day. Your wife, the only thing I have to say about her is filthy, filthy, filthy. You and your children deserve better. She is gonna suffer when you are not there for her anymore. Did she realize that f this mad had an intreated or incurable STD that your child could have been born blind or deformed in some way. No she was not thinking about that, only thinking about herself.

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I have contacted my lawyer for a meeting concerning the matter of her relationship with the pedophile. I do not know where I stand but I will do everything legally possible to protect my children. IMO she is an unfit mother and if the court agrees, so be it. I find every apology, acts of kindness and tears of regrets towards me now, a direct insult. If these are the kinds of things I'm finding out about now, what about the things I will never know? Can it get any worse? At this point, the woman disgusts me in such a way that if it were not for my children, I would give absolutely everything, to have never laid eyes on her.

 

My God, how much more of this can I take?

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I have contacted my lawyer for a meeting concerning the matter of her relationship with the pedophile. I do not know where I stand but I will do everything legally possible to protect my children. IMO she is an unfit mother and if the court agrees, so be it. I find every apology, acts of kindness and tears of regrets towards me now, a direct insult. If these are the kinds of things I'm finding out about now, what about the things I will never know? Can it get any worse? At this point, the woman disgusts me in such a way that if it were not for my children, I would give absolutely everything, to have never laid eyes on her.

 

My God, how much more of this can I take?

 

 

Harry, it will get better, and anything you can do to get custody, do it. But document everythign very carefully, as unless she gives them up without a fight, you are in for an uphill battle. So choose your battles carefully, you may have to try for shared custody for the interim, and even visitation for the infant- Unless she's a drug addict or will admit to KNOWINGLY letting a pedophile into the house, chances are the court will not take a newborn from his mother..

 

But she may just walk away, I know someone who did. I watch him parent their child alone, pay for everything (including spousal support), and she now sees him 2 hrs every other week- which is basically her choice...It' a tough road for him, he has a high stress job, but he still says he is happier now in his life than he has been in years and years. Being free of her, and the pain she caused him, gives him ample emotional energy to handle the other stressors in his life and still have enough energy and love for his child to make up for the fact that to her, her child is nothing more than a weapon against her ex, and a prop to make her look legitimate at family events.

 

Good luck to you sir. I wish you the best. Continue to make your decisions in the best interests of your children, (not revenge etc) and it will be ok in the end. It will take time, but don't give up. These are your kids...

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Too bad you didn't heed the warning signs before a second child was conceived into the middle of this mess.

 

If only we weren't so blind to the things that are right in front of us.

 

Our emotions cloud our judgment and therefore we cannot see.

 

If only I wasn't so blind by love for my children and thoughts of a wife and family; my dreams made real.

 

If only my emotions did not cloud my judgment as to permit this blind fool to see into the future; I would have shot myself gladly, and forgone the middle this mess.

 

Umm, thanks.

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Im glad you have your children with you. You are doing everything you can do to keep your sanity. Pray a lot and you will get over all this. I understand your anger. No one in their rite mind would not be anything but angry. I hope one day you can meet a woman who will show you that women are different. As far as your wife, the Lord said vengence is mine.

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