Please help asap! I'm about to break up woth him and I need to know what to divulge

[dcgirl]

So I basically caught my boyfriend of 9 months lying about a bunch of stuff. I called him on it and he was very remorseful, and crying and swearing on his mother's life that he will never do it again. We had a 36 hour marathon session where we basically didnt leave my house and talked about it the entire time. And he swore up and down that he would change. Well I basically kept snooping and listened to his vm (accidentally - more on that later) and from there I could hear that he is saving messages from his ex grilfriend.

 

Some are drunk ones saying how she hates it up in the city that she moved to. Saying how she thinks about him every second. And she knows he deosn't love his girlfriend because she loves him! (And then even says I hope she doesn't hear this because that would be "no bueno") She also says other things like she is coming to visit the weekend after New Years and that maybe they could do dinner. (that weekend there was one night he couldn't hang out)

 

I want to believe that after a 36 hour marathon session of trying to work it out he may have really turned over a new leaf and want to end all communications with everyone.

 

But I think I need to break up with him so how do I do it? Scenario A or Scenario B?

 

Scenario A -

 

When you called me the first time last night I was listening to my vm. It actually dropped the call when you called. So I called my vm back but instead my dumb phone called you. So I hung up and called my vm again and put in my pin, and there was this strange vm from this dude speaking a foreign language that I guessed was a wrong number. Then I heard this vm fom this girl talking about mailing a jacket. DO YOU get where this going? Apparently you and I have the same password for vmail and I was listening to YOUR VM and not mine. So you have all these saves messages from this ex girlfriend that you supposedly don’t speak to. And she knows about me, but isn’t worried at all clearly You must have told her it meant nothing. Is THAT is why you were crying about losing a jacket so much? OMG I don’t even know what to say. You are leading a double-life and I don’t even know who you are. She knows about our trip and that you are dating me and is still trying to get you back? Nice girl. I thought we had something really special, you were my best friend. I am going to feel like a huge part of my life is missing. But I cant even be friends with you because you are a liar. We are done.

 

Scenario B

 

We've had a wondeful time together but it seems like we want different things in life, so let's do the right thing. I love you and I want for you to be happy, I want you to have what you're looking for also. It's time for us to move on. You're my best friend and I will miss you. I hope you get what you are looking for out of life.

[anggrace]

Sorry to hear about your boyfriends lying.

 

Id go with B. But Im sure he'll want you to expand so you'll probably end up saying it all, plus some.

[Jantje19]

Scenario A is much better. Be honest about it. Some 'Oh I still love you but we should go different ways-bull * * * * ' never works well, at least it would not for me.

[pumpkinmoon]

Oh yeah, tell him exactly what you know so he knows what actions of his caused the demise of the relationship.

 

Sorry you are going through this.

[dcgirl]

I want to come out of this classy and my head held high. Is telling him exactly what I know (and risking him thinking I'm crazy for doing that) doing exactly the opposite?

 

Oh yeah, tell him exactly what you know so he knows what actions of his caused the demise of the relationship.

 

Sorry you are going through this.

[iBroken]

Being a dumpee, its best that you divulge the truth and full reason for the break up.

 

Half truths will only cause him to wonder what happened and will ultimately result in constant contact from him.

 

Put it all out there in one go and be firm in your decision to NOT try to work things.

 

Good luck

[dcgirl]

What if I did want to work on things? He did tell me this past weekend that he wanted me and me only and that he would completely change all his behavior. Should I leave all the vm stuff out so that maybe he realizes that he is losing the best thing that ever happened to him?

[pumpkinmoon]

I want to come out of this classy and my head held high. Is telling him exactly what I know (and risking him thinking I'm crazy for doing that) doing exactly the opposite?

 

I think you can tell him what you know in a classy way.

[pumpkinmoon]

What if I did want to work on things? He did tell me this past weekend that he wanted me and me only and that he would completely change all his behavior. Should I leave all the vm stuff out so that maybe he realizes that he is losing the best thing that ever happened to him?

 

I think before you go saying anything, you need to work out if you want to end it or stay with him. Either way though I would tell him abot the voicemails you have heard because if you don't he will just carry on doing what he has been and you will catch him again and find yourself right back where you started.

[dcgirl]

I just love this is happening right before Valentine's Day. We had such a special night planned

[dcgirl]

Should I be stonefaced, or show emotion?

[Mavh25]

You don't have to be stonefaced, but if you're going with telling him about the voicemails I'd say be calm and don't yell.

[alli]

I would ask him about the ex, if he's still talking to her, if he ever met up with her since you've been together, etc. If he denies it, ask him if he's sure he didn't meet her on New Year's weekend. If he still denies everything, just tell him you know he's lying & you aren't going to date a liar & a cheat. I wouldn't tell him how you know.

 

And I would change my voicemail password if I were you. It works both ways you know. I wouldn't want an ex going into my voicemail, listening to my family & my business, possibly deleting important messages before I listened to them.

 

I remember my ex listened to my voicemails right before I broke up with him. I guess he left me a very lengthy (probably whiny) message, decided to delete it so he went into my vm to delete it, but also listened to a voicemail from my sister's bf, who called me because I was thinking of dumping him & wanted to help me work through it. Then my now-ex was all like "I'm so hurt that HE called you to talk about it.. discussing it with another guy". I'm like "yeah, because it's not like my sister's bf was like a brother to me or anything" So annoying. Anyway, got a bit off-topic there. So yeah, change your voicemail password.

[drewciouS281]

Before you actually break up with him, you really have to search deep down and ask yourself if its what you want to do. If you feel in your brain you should but your heart and gut are telling you different, than dont do it. Never do it unless your 150% sure! use your heart and gut and not your intuition.

 

Honestly though, he needs to be made aware of what he did so i would bring up the ex's voicemails. Dont go too into details though because sometimes the more details someone goes into if thats not how they talk. It could backfire in some ways. Yes it is not cool for him to be saving messages from his ex but do you know if he was replying back? she could be the one obsessed with him but maybe he feels nothing for her. Lies are bad but some can be forgiven especially if over a course of time they prove not to do it again.

 

My girl within our first 6-7 months started lying about when she would hang out with her friend i didnt like. I caught her and almost dumped her and so far she has been a different person. its your call though, it depends on how severe the lie is and how sensitive the other person is to being lied to.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. Probably not a good idea to confuse a breakup with a therapeutic device. If you've reached a point of irrevocably wanting out, then Option B is your best bet. All relationships being voluntary, you get to be done when you're done. You've already invested all you could in BF's promised turnaround, and you don't 'owe' anything beyond that. There's no point in trying to rehab or educate someone else when there's zero they can do to change your mind. That's not the purpose of a breakup--it's to break up.

[dcgirl]

Well I went with Option A and he basically said that she has been obsessed with him and that he has told her not to call him anymore and that he still wants to make it work with me. He says he has not been leading a double life and that she has known about me for a while. She is mieserable in her new town, but that chapter is closed for him. I am so uutterly confused I have no idea what to do. I love him and I want him in my life but there has been so many strange things that needed to be explained away....all the new friends on fb, the vm's from his ex..I dont know if I'd be a fool to take him back.

[FreedomRing]

I think its not so much confusion you feel, but moreso reluctance in knowing what you need to do here.

 

The ex is obsessed with him?? Ok, but how does that explain him saving the messages??? If he was so annoyed why would he be holding on to those messages?

 

C'mon..don't overthink these things....all of the incidents combined scream SKETCHY and deep down you know it.

[Leon91]

did he save them or just not delete them?

 

i have messages on my vm from back 2 years ago.

just too idle to delete them lol, would take me days

[penelope13]

I'm a bit confused about some details: when was this 36hour marathon? Did he have contact with the ex after that, or where all the messages from beforehand?

[minou]

There really is not clean sense he's cheating on you. So what if she called him. That doesn't mean he actually cheated on you. If you love him, don't do this.